(intense music)
- Major League Baseball.
America's leading metaphor
for how far you went during a hookup.
Just four days after the season started with a record
4 million viewers tuning in it looks like the season
is already at risk with a report today
that at least 14 players and coaches on the Miami Marlins
have tested positive for coronavirus.
And this is a real blow because the league had been trying,
literally, everything it could think of
to try and stay safe.
- There's so many things different
about Major League Baseball this season.
If the Pirate were to wrap up their first series
of the season at St. Louis on Sunday,
and check this out your home plate umpire
tosses a player from the Pirates.
So new manager, Derek Shelton goes out there, and new rules,
you have to social distance and mask up to argue.
- Corona's really changed our lives.
Hand me my mask is the new hold my earrings.
I mean, seriously props to these two,
because this is an expert demonstration
on what it means to take coronavirus seriously,
because yes, these guys wanted to fight,
but they also know that coronavirus is waiting
to beat both of them up.
And if these guys can remember to put on their masks
before a fight, you have no excuse
when you're going into Walmart.
Plus it definitely slows down a fight
when you have to Purell after every single punch (mumbles).
(mumbles)
(hands slapping)
If you ask me, managers and umpires
should have always been arguing from six feet away,
'cause have you seen how they normally argue?
I mean, look at that,
this dude is literally inside the other guy's cap.
He looks like a really insane dentist
who's angry because his patient forgot to floss.
"Why aren't you going beneath your gum line?"
Now, unlike the MLB,
the NBA has decided to reduce the risk of corona infections
by forcing all the basketball players
to live in Disney World for the remainder of the season,
what they're calling the bubble.
And as of the last round of testing,
not a single player has coronavirus.
So as long as the players stay in the bubble,
everything should be okay.
The only issue is,
one player decided to visit another magical kingdom.
- In the NBA Clippers guard, Lou Williams
has been placed in a 10-day quarantine
and will miss the first two seeding games of the restart.
Williams was photographed at the strip club, Magic City
in Atlanta, Georgia, last Thursday,
Williams had been excused from the NBA bubble by the team
to attend a funeral.
While he tweeted on Friday, that Magic City
was his quote, "Favorite Restaurant in Atlanta,
"and he was not there to party, but to get some wings."
- You have got to be kidding me.
This guy was allowed to leave the bubble
for a family emergency.
But then the NBA found out he went to a strip club.
How did they bust him?
Did he come home with glitter on his coronavirus?
And I love that his excuse was
that he was only at Magic City
for the wings, not for the strippers, just for the wings.
Look, there are excuses out there,
but guys, there are tons of places
you can get wings in Atlanta.
Something tells me he was actually there
for the breasts and thighs. (trumpet blaring).
Okay, who keeps doing, like...
(anticipatory music)
The Black Lives Matter movements.
Although you may be hearing less about them than you used to
protest are still going on around the country
in part because police brutality is still going on
around the country.
And the ripple effects of this movement are reaching all
aspects of American life,
including a long awaited change in the NFL.
- The Washington Redskins have officially retired,
the Redskins name and Indian head logo after 87 years.
The football team announced the change
following recent pressure from sponsors
and decades of criticism, that they are offensive
to native Americans.
They are now working on a new name and design,
which might take some time due to trademark issues.
Warriors, Red Wolves and Red Tails
are just some of the most popular choices among fans
on social media.
Major retailers have already removed Redskins apparel
from store shelves and websites.
- Yes.
After decades of resisting, the Washington Redskins
have finally decided to change their name.
And look, this is a step in the right direction,
but it almost feels like dismantling structural racism
is so difficult that instead America's just crossing off
the easier items on it's racism to-do-list.
Okay, our next item.
We've got to create an equal and just society.
Hmm, all right, let's skip that one.
What about changing the name of a football team
and canceling Aunt Jemima?
Yeah, that should hold us over for a year.
So the old name is officially gone.
But now the team is searching for a new name.
And I'll be honest, I think when it comes to a new name,
they've got to keep it simple.
Keep it safe.
Change the name to the Washington Washingtons.
Yeah, it's catchy.
It's easy to remember.
And most importantly, it honors
one of the greatest Americans of all time.
My man, (laughs).
(intense music)
Baseball.
America's pastime and the sport Michael Jordan
cheated on basketball with.
The coronavirus pandemic shut down the major league season
before it could even start.
But now teams are ready to get underway, COVID style.
- [Announcer] As Major League Baseball
gets ready to resume play,
it turns out they're gonna to be using crowd noise
from a video game.
The sounds will come from the game, "MLB: The Show."
The league is hoping that the crowd noises
combined with stadium announcers and all the walkup music
that'll make it sound like the stadiums are actually full.
- Yes.
While it's still too dangerous to fill a baseball stadium
with a real crowd, the MLB is at least gonna fill it
with the sounds of people watching baseball.
And I think we actually have a clip
of what that sounds like.
(loud yawning)
(baseball bat thuds)
(loud yawning)
Now, even though fan sounds will be piped into the stadiums,
the actual fans will still be watching baseball at home.
So for fans who wanna recreate
the stadium experience at home,
there's a lot of things that you can do,
to make you feel like you're actually at a game.
First of all, make sure to watch the TV
from really far away, so you have no idea what's happening.
Then grab a beer from your fridge and rip up a $20 bill.
And finally, cover your bathroom in another man's urine.
Now that's baseball.
I do like this idea though.
In fact, I think we should apply this to other areas
of our new coronavirus lives, you know.
Like a lot of us miss eating out at restaurants.
So why don't just pipe in some restaurant sounds
while you're eating dinner at home.
- [Waiter] Hi, there, I just wanted to see
if you're enjoying the food?
- Well, actually you just gave me the food,
so I haven't actually tasted any of it yet.
- [Waiter] Yeah, no problem.
I'll come back in 10 seconds
and ask you again while you're chewing.
- Could you just come back like after I've eaten
a bunch of it?
- [Waiter] Okay, that's perfect.
I'll come back at the most inconvenient moments,
but then when you need the check,
I'll totally disappear, forever.
- Sounds good.
(intense music)
With the 2020 summit games, postponed and social distancing,
taking its toll on sports.
The International Olympic Committee
is urging member countries
to consider eSports as a real sport.
And you know what that means,
somewhere in Russia, a team of scientists
just developed thumb steroids.
(roaring) Yeah, they're so strong got to lift up
with the rest of my hand (groans).
And boy, how the tables have turned.
Because for years, for years, the Olympic Committee,
they looked down on us gamers.
"We will not allow video games into the Olympics.
"These are not real sports.
"You think shooting cartoon characters is a real sport?
"'Call of Duty' is not a sport.
"It is just an immature way for kids to kill you.
"Then you die.
"Then you come back, they kill you again.
"They're camping, clearly
"and they're using like aiming bot or something."
But now eSports could be on their way
to becoming a real Olympic sports.
And man, I cannot wait to watch those medal ceremonies.
- [Announcer] Please rise for our national anthem.
(computer gaming music)
- I'm sorry but your medal is in another castle.
(intense music)
- What's up sports fans?
I'm Roy Wood Jr., he's Michael Kosta.
Sports is back, which means we are back.
Kosta, are you amped to be talking sports again?
We can't.
I can't, I can't hear you, bro.
You're on mute.
- Yeah, I was saying that I'm excited.
- Same here.
Hockey's on it's way back.
Baseball's starting up again.
Let's get it man.
- I can't wait.
Those are my two favorite sports to ignore
while I look at my phone.
But the return that everyone's talking about, Roy,
is the return of the NBA.
- That's right, coronavirus cut their season short
right before the playoffs.
But the NBA is back with a plan
that's more complicated than trying to pronounce
Giannis Anakoutopo, (mumbles).
- Giannis Antekplulko, Antepelka.
- Topo. - Antetokounmpo.
- The NBA hopes to shield the rest of its season
from COVID-19 by keeping players and staff
inside an isolation bubble.
The teams will live, practice and play in Orlando
without outside visitors or fans.
- [Announcer] Players, and staff
from all 22 teams participating
will be sequestered in a so called bubble
at the ESPN Wide World of Sports Complex
at the Walt Disney World Resort.
League officials hoping that will keep teams safe.
- [Announcer] The league lays out in great detail,
everything from how the players will work, play, relax,
eat as well as be monitored for COVID-19 when play resumes.
- There's gonna have to be consistent surveillance
on a daily basis to make sure that people are,
who are negative for coronavirus, stay negative.
- That's right, the NBA is gonna finish their season,
playing inside a bubble.
And Roy, I love this idea.
It reminds me of sleep away camp growing up, playing games,
spending all your time together.
Your most trusted friends, shoving Q-tips up your nose
while you sleep. - Wait, wait, wait.
Camp? - Yeah.
"Cause what I'm hearing is a bunch of mostly black dudes
locked up under constant surveillance.
This is basically prison with less defense.
And whose idea was it to bubble up down in Florida
with all the cases spiking down there?
What was the second option?
What, to have the season in the middle of a Trump rally?
- Roy, it's fine, they're in a bubble.
A bubble.
- Yeah, and if they respected the bubble, it could work.
But the problem is that players
are already breaking the rules.
- The NBA is not playing around
when it comes to the bubble boundaries
for players who are staying at
the Walt Disney World Campus in Orlando.
Sacramento Kings' forward, Richaun Holmes
says he accidentally crossed the campus line
to pick up a food delivery.
Well, now he's under a mandatory 10-day quarantine.
An unnamed NBA player contacted an Instagram model
named Anna and invited her to the bubble.
- Unbubbleivable.
The NBA season could be at risk because selfish players
want takeout and hot, hot sex.
So selfish, so hot.
- Incredibly hot, Roy.
But breaking quarantine for outside food
is just unnecessary.
They've already got great food options in the bubble.
Look at this delicious meal, Denver Nuggets' player,
Troy Daniels tweeted out,
"It's a cornucopia of culinary delights,
"arugula, two bags of chips, watermelon,
"a roll in a giant plastic bag,
"a smaller thing of watermelon."
Roy, that's at least 11 calories, right?
- The point is they haven't even started playing games,
and the bubble has already fallen apart.
Kosta, this season is gonna be like you having sex
with an Instagram model.
It's gonna end prematurely.
- Not so fast, Roy?
That was in private, I told you that.
But if you look at the numbers,
it's actually pretty promising.
- The NBA has zero positive cases
in its recent round of testing.
The league testing close to 350 players
living on the NBA campus at Disney World,
all of the tests coming back, negative.
- Damn, I didn't know it was working.
Let me in the bubble MBA.
I've got to get in there.
I'll do whatever it takes NBA.
I'll be a water boy.
I'll be the kid that mops up the sweat
underneath the basket.
I'll be Anthony Davis' backup unibrow.
Just whatever it takes, you've got to let me in that bubble.
You won't even have to pay me.
- You know, I don't blame you for wanting
a piece of that bubble, Roy.
Not only is it the safest place in America, right now,
but based on the videos
players have been sending out
on social media, it looks like
they're having a pretty good time in there.
Chris Paul is like everyone else
embracing the outdoor life at Disney World.
This is a fish CP3 caught Monday before practice.
- [Announcer] Meanwhile, the Dallas Mavericks,
they were doing a socially distant dance party
on their balconies.
(upbeat dance music)
- Meyers Leonard getting in on the latest challenge,
Leonard chugging beer for the second week in a row.
This has gotta be less than a second for the shotgun.
- See, NBA players are just like us,
shotgunning beers alone.
- And he was fast too.
He made that beer disappear like a Q-Tip
up your nose at sleep away camp.
Yo, Kosta I'm sold.
I want in on the fun in the bubble.
We've got to figure out a way inside.
- I'm way ahead of you, Roy.
I'm already turning myself into an Instagram model
so I can seduce the players.
All I've gotta do is post this pic.
What do you think about that bubble, Roy?
I'm gonna DM the NBA and I've been kicked off of Instagram.
- It was worth a shot.
(intense music)
- South Korea.
The birth place of K-pop and the best place
to raise a family in somebody else's house.
After successfully dropping their coronavirus cases
to basically zero, South Korea has decided that it's time
to play ball, responsibly.
Baseball season is underway in South Korea,
but no fans are there to see it.
- Posters posing as fans filled the seats
for yesterday's opening game of the KBO League.
They may not see anything more bizarre though, than this.
That's a nine year old inside a big baseball bubble.
He walked himself from the pitcher's mound to home plate
to create a socially distant first pitch.
- Yes, South Korea has found a way to bring back sports
in the age of coronavirus.
And I mean, it looks really safe.
Look, don't get me wrong,
people are still gonna die of boredom,
I mean, it is baseball after all.
But thankfully, they're safe from corona.
I've got one question though.
Why are the fake people wearing mosques?
It just seems unnecessary.
America has already shown that if you're a person
made out of cardboard, you don't need to wear a mask.
Also, I hope they told the announcer
that those fans are made out of paper.
Otherwise that guy's gonna freak out,
"And there it is, looks like it's a,
"oh my God, that ball just went through that guy's chest.
"Oh my, God, why is nobody helping him?"
You know what was also creative?
Is how they put that kid in a giant bubble baseball.
I feel like they should just do this with every sport,
especially the NFL.
Put players in bubbles.
Then when they get tackled,
the ball bounces into the stands,
and then the fans would get to punch the bubble
back into the field.
Tell me that doesn't sound like a fun sport, huh?
And you solved the concussion problem.
Roger Goodell, call me.
(intense music)