I don't have any kids as I ment,
that's on purpose by the way.
I have a lot of lady friends my age who are like,
"I don't want kids 'cause I wan.
And I'm like, "Tight".
I don't want kids 'cause they come outta your body
and turn into people. (audience laughing)
Did y'all see people today?
(audience laughing)
How many did you see, and how my
were you like, "That's a good o?
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
Feels like a gamble.
I love kids so much though.
I want you to know I'm not walking around town, looking kis
in the face like, "You shouldn't be here". (laughs)
I love kids once they have happ.
I love all of you, I'd love to be any of your mommies.
Especially you. (audience laughing)
I used to teach, which you can probably tell
by my face, voice, outfit, haircut and body (laughs).
(audience laughing)
I used to teach in the Oakland Public School District
and it was an assistant teacher,
they wouldn't let me do the who.
One day I was teaching and the head teacher,
the main bitch, she called out .
Hungover, lying, they always ar.
(audience laughing)
So they brought in a substitute
and the substitute was very hot.
And was I distracted a little b?
Yeah I was distracted.
I mean we were teaching, but we were laughing.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) We were flirting, but watching and learning
and something happened, which hs
with elementary school children.
After lunch they choose one of two options,
they either pass the fuck out
or they lose their goddamn mind.
And our class chose the latter .
We lost control, we honestly just lost control.
There were just children crying in the corner,
there was a fight, there's kids running in the street,
And one child, Arthur, the larg,
very much third time's the charm
on third grade for old Arthur, ?
(laughs) Arthur decided to run into the special ed trailer
and I didn't put him in a trail,
please don't get mad at me for .
And I'm saying special ed because that's what it was,
and it was fucked up and we never should have had that shit.
And it's different now,
and I'm not using current compassionate terms,
like special needs or neuro divt
because this was special ed and for the young folks in here,
it was fucked up (laughs).
It was like, yes, there are some kids in there
that have severe mental disabil,
but also it's just like anything that might be
slightly difficult for the teac,
you're going in that fucking tr.
Diabetes, trailer. (audience laughing)
Little bit gay, trailer. (audience laughing)
I'm pretty sure there was a kide
that just had thick glasses (la)
God forbid a child goes on a family ski trip
and comes back with a broken le.
You're in special ed now dude, you came back with a crutch.
If you wanted to keep your clas,
you should have walked it off.
It was fucked up, it was not ok.
So Arthur's very mad at me,
and Arthur decides to run into the special ed trailer,
into their kitchen and grab a k.
Also don't know why they had kns
in the special ed trailer.
Again, Oakland Public School Di,
I don't know what to tell you.
He ran in to get the knife
'cause he was gonna fucking sta.
And I know that 'cause Arthur s,
"I'm gonna fucking stab you".
(audience laughing)
And I was so proud because we had been working on him using
his words and setting intention.
(audience laughing)
(laughs) So he came back with a knife and I ran
and then we both got called into the principal's office.
And I was like, "Why am I in tr,
I almost got fucking stabbed".
So the principal sits us down and she's a real cunt
and she goes, "What happened he"
And Arthur goes, "Ms. Miller was acting like a slut".
(audience laughing)
(laughs) And he was so right.
(audience laughing)
I really had been throwing it at this substitute.
(audience laughing)
And I laughed so hard.
(audience laughing)
And then the principal laughed .
(audience laughing)
Then Arthur never got in any fucking trouble
for trying to stab me (laughs).
(audience laughing)
So this is what I tell people if you are gonna have children
and they're gonna be dumb and b,
make sure they can tell a fucking joke, okay?