( PIANO RIFF ) IN OTHER INTERNATIONAL NEWS, THE
TRUMP ADMINISTRATION STILL HASN'T SETTLED ON A LEGAL
JUSTIFICATION FOR BOMBING IRANIAN GENERAL, QASEM
SOLEIMANI.
ONE OFFICIAL GRASPING AT STRAWS IS SECRETARY OF STATE AND
ONE-MAN BARBERSHOP QUARTET, MIKE POMPEO.
THE ADMINISTRATION'S OFFICIAL EXPLANATION IS THAT THE STRIKE
OCCURRED TO THWART AN "IMMINENT ATTACK," BUT ON THURSDAY, POMPEO
HAD TROUBLE NARROWING THAT DOWN.
>> THERE IS NO DOUBT THAT THERE WERE A SERIES OF IMMINENT
ATTACKS THAT WERE BEING PLOTTED BY QASEM SOLEIMANI.
AND WE DON'T KNOW PRECISELY WHEN AND WE DON'T KNOW PRECISELY
WHERE, BUT IT WAS REAL.
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: (AS POMPEO)
"HELLO, 9-1-1?
I'M BEING ROBBED!
I DON'T KNOW PRECISELY WHEN, AND I DON'T KNOW PRECISELY WHERE,
BUT I DO HAVE THE ADDRESS OF A GUY I WANT YOU TO KILL.
THIS IS REAL!" "HELLO!
HELLO!
HELLO!" ( PIANO RIFF )
( APPLAUSE ) EVEN REPUBLICANS WERE CONCERNED
ABOUT THE VAGUENESS OF THE JUSTIFICATIONS, SO ON FRIDAY
THE PRESIDENT WENT ON THE FOX NEWS TO CLEAR THINGS UP.
>> DON'T THE AMERICAN PEOPLE HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW WHAT
SPECIFICALLY WAS TARGETED WITHOUT REVEALING METHODS AND
SOURCES?
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK SO, BUT WE WILL TELL YOU THAT PROBABLY
IT WAS GOING TO BE THE EMBASSY IN BAGHDAD.
I CAN REVEAL THAT I BELIEVE IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOUR
EMBASSIES.
>> STEPHEN: HE BELIEVES IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FOUR EMBASSIES.
DO WE REALLY WANT TO LIVE IN A COUNTRY WHERE WE BOMB PEOPLE
BECAUSE OF WHAT DONALD TRUMP BELIEVES?
WE'RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO BELIEVES THAT WINDMILLS CAUSE
CANCER.
SO, RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, HOLLAND!
HE'S COMING!
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GET ON YOUR WOODEN SHOES!
>> Jon: COME ON!
>> Stephen: STICK YOUR FINGER IN THE DIKE!
( APPLAUSE ) ON SUNDAY, DEFENSE SECRETARY
MARK ESPER DID HIS BEST-- AND IT WASN'T GOOD.
>> CAN YOU CLARIFY THOUGH, WAS THE SPECIFIC THREAT THAT THE
PRESIDENT SHARED WITH FOX NEWS ABOUT FOUR U.S. EMBASSIES BEING
UNDER THREAT, ALSO SHARED WITH CONGRESS?
WHY WAS THERE A DIFFERENCE?
>> WHAT THE PRESIDENT SAID WAS HE BELIEVED THAT IT PROBABLY
AND COULD HAVE BEEN ATTACKS AGAINST ADDITIONAL EMBASSIES.
I SHARED THAT VIEW.
>> THAT SOUNDS MORE LIKE AN ASSESSMENT THAN A SPECIFIC
TANGIBLE THREAT WITH A-- A DECISIVE PIECE OF INTELLIGENCE.
>> WELL, THE PRESIDENT DIDN'T SAY THERE WAS A TANGIBLE-- HE
DIDN'T CITE A SPECIFIC PIECE OF EVIDENCE.
WHAT HE SAYS PROBABLY-- HE BELIEVED, COULD HAVE BEEN--
>> ARE YOU SAYING THERE WASN'T ONE?
>> I DIDN'T SEE ONE WITH REGARD TO THE FOUR EMBASSIES.
>> Stephen: WOW.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION IS LIKE
THE COUPLE WHO DIDN'T COORDINATE THEIR LIE BEFORE LEAVING THE
PARTY.
"WELP, WE'VE GOTTA HEAD OUT.
THE BABYSITTER CALLED.
WHAT'S THAT?
MY WIFE SAID IT'S BECAUSE FOUR EMBASSIES ARE UNDER THREAT?
YES.
IT WAS THAT, TOO.
THEY ARE THREATENED BY... THE BABYSITTER.
SHE'S A MANIAC.
KEEP THE TUPPERWARE.
BYE."
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
THIS MORNING, TRUMP TOOK TO TWITTER TO SAY HE AND ESPER ARE
ON THE SAME PAGE: "THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA AND THEIR
DEMOCRAT PARTNERS ARE WORKING HARD TO DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT
THE FUTURE ATTACK BY TERRORIST SOLEIMANI WAS EMINENT OR NOT."
NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED TRUMP USED THE WRONG WORD THERE.
"EMINENT," WHICH MEANS, "FAMOUS AND RESPECTED WITHIN A
PARTICULAR SPHERE."
I'LL USE IT IN A SENTENCE: "DONALD TRUMP IS THE MOST
EMINENT EXAMPLE OF A MAN WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL
"IMMINENT."
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT HOW "EMINENT" THE THREAT WAS
MAY NOT MATTER BECAUSE THIS MORNING, WE FOUND OUT THAT TRUMP
AUTHORIZED THE KILLING OF SOLEIMANI SEVEN MONTHS AGO.
SO, WE KILLED HIM ON LAYAWAY?
( LAUGHTER ) IS IT AN INSTALLMENT PLAN?
(AS TRUMP) "WE'LL KILL HIM A LITTLE BIT
EVERY MONTH."
( LAUGHTER ) OR DOES TRUMP JUST HAVE PILES OF
AUTHORIZATIONS LYING AROUND FOR THINGS HE WANTS TO DO AND CAN'T
JUSTIFY YET?
(AS TRUMP) "THIS ONE IS TO BLOW UP ROSIE
O'DONNELL, AND THIS ONE IS TO MAKE TUBE TOPS MANDATORY."