We all know someone who's struggling with depression, it's a common thing that
we all experience. How do we help someone with depression?
I'm Dr. Paul, I'll give you some pointers today at Live On Purpose TV.
At the time of this recording,
I've been a psychologist now for 23 years,
clinical psychologist. Honestly, you can't shock me.
I have heard some of the darndest stuff you can imagine and none of it surprises
or shocks me anymore. I'm sharing this with you because obviously, the topic of
this video today is how do you help someone who's going through some
depression, who's having some issues in their life and aren't we all, right?
It's a common human experience and that's probably the first thing that's
important to understand, that depression does not mean that something is wrong
with you or that you're broken or fundamentally goofed up in some way.
Unless of course we all are which to some people is good news, other people
it's just kind of a negative view of life but really, is it? I mean we are
human beings and we have typical human experiences. One of which is depression
and it happens to normal regular awesome people.
So understanding depression is part of the key here but I shared with you my
clinical experience a little bit that you can't shock me because that actually
puts me in position to help people better because I'm never shocked or
tipped over by what they tell me. This is a clue for how we're going to help our
loved ones, our friends, those who are are struggling with something that in their
mind is this huge weighty thing, the way we respond to that can convey confidence
and an assurance that they can handle it. There's a book called
Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway by Dr. Susan Jeffers. It's a good book and
actually the title is probably as good as the book is. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
Dr. Jeffers pointed out in her book that there's a common belief at the
root of every fear and that belief is, I can't handle it, I can't handle it.
That belief causes us to have a little surge of panic, a sense of threat that if
I can't handle something, that's not good for me. As we can make confidence and
trust in the opposite of what that feeling is, suggesting that they can
handle it. That tends to be one of the most reassuring beliefs. So notice that
as you're talking with someone or interacting with someone who is going
through an experience, that they believe at some level that they can't handle,
it's going to create anxiety and depression, that's just the nature of the beast.
What if we were able to convey some trust and confidence that they can
handle this? Now what that means is as a helper, as someone who is listening,
actually, let's go there for a minute because listening, I think is one of the
main keys here. You want to be open and present a listening ear to this person.
Listening is a skill and we address that in another video.
Actually, the actual skills of listening, so you can visit that one as
well here at Live On Purpose TV. The listening aspect is so key because
people sometimes get stuck in their own mind in a way that they don't even
realize that they're doing this, to have someone listening to them gives them a
chance to give voice to some of the thoughts and feelings that they're
having and in doing so, it separates them just far enough from those cognitive
processes that they can actually take a look at
and experience more choice in what it is that they're thinking.
So you're listening provides a tool for them that they have a hard time getting themselves.
As you listen, you will feel drawn, sometimes sucked into a position of
giving advice. I want to caution you about that. This is not the time to offer
a lot of advice even when it's requested but I'm talking specifically about when
it's not requested. You might feel pulled or drawn into giving advice or offering
your opinion about what they need to do. This typically is not very helpful.
Sometimes they will request specifically to hear your advice on some particular
thing and if you have an opinion about it,
please preface it with that and let them know well this is my opinion and this
may or may not work for you but here's what I think, that's okay,
I'm not talking about that, I'm talking about that need that you might feel to
actually solve their problem. One of the things that we run into depression
all the time is a sense of dependence that people develop and they don't
believe that they can handle their own life. We want to send a very different
message, it's much more helpful to them to understand that they can handle their
own life and anything that comes up in it. Do you believe that? Do you believe?
Maybe for yourself first if we start there. Do you believe that you can handle
anything that comes up in your life? See, I'm not sure where you are with that and
I struggled with this for a while myself, I think we all do. I think we need to
come to terms at some point with, can I or can't I handle what's possibly going
to come up for me, what's happening now, what might happen in the future and then
extend that belief to, do you believe that about them? If you don't believe that
they can handle it then you will try to rescue them. If you believe that they can
handle it then you will approach them in a way
that empowers them to do just that and that is my preference, that we
empower people to handle their life. I don't want to create a dependency where
they're looking to me to solve everything. You know who taught me this?
The kid, 10 year old kid came here to see me.
His parents were murdered, he found them.
I can't think of anything much harder than that, can you?
He was 10 years old at the time and as I was visiting with him and I asked him,
"Hey, before all this happened, what if I would have asked you, do you think you
can handle it if both parents were killed? What would you have told me?"
And he responded the way you might expect, "Oh, no way, man." Then he lit up a little bit,
he says, "But I am handling it huh?" That hit me, you guys, because if he's handling
that, now I'm not saying it was easy, I'm not saying it was pleasant, probably the
hardest year of his life, that year after his parents passed but the point is he
was handling it and he learned from that that he can do hard things, not just hard
things, I mean, unthinkably hard things and what is it that you were thinking
you couldn't handle? See that cost me to take a look at my own life, I was kind of
upset about a few things, circumstances, relationships, whatever it
was and as I learned that from this young client, I had to ask myself,
"What is it that I'm thinking I can't handle?" You guys have come to a belief
and I am solid on this that you can handle anything, anything that happens in
your life. I believe that and because I believe that, I listen differently then I
show up differently for the people who need my help.
Can you help someone who's depressed? Yeah, yeah, you can and there's a paradox
and it has to do with your own belief as to whether they need your help.
If you believe leave that they have what it takes,
you're more likely to show up in ways that empower them to actually do what is
required to handle their own depression. In that way, we get to assist because
they don't really need us instead of paradox, I think it is, I think it is but
I found it to be a powerful one in my experience with my clients and with
people that I love even with myself, we can help, we can make a difference.
Let's go out there and empower people to live their life on purpose.
So you got some ideas now?
How you might be able to help? This is a big casket requires all of us
so make sure you share this episode with someone that you think could really
benefit.