WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR , STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND I'M GOING TO START OFF
TONIGHT -- I WOULD LIKE TO WISH EVERYONE A HAPPY DUWALI.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DO NOT KNOW,
IT'S THE SOUTH ASIAN RELIGIOUS FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS THAT
CELEBRATES THE "VICTORY OF LIGHT OVER DARKNESS, GOOD OVER EVIL,
AND KNOWLEDGE OVER IGNORANCE."
SO BASICALLY, "TED LASSO."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
WE'RE STILL DIGESTING THE THE DEMOCRATS DID NOT HAVE A
GOOD NIGHT, BUT IT WAS PRIMARILY TWO STATES WHERE, HISTORICALLY,
THE PARTY IN THE WHITE HOUSE LOSES.
AND THE DEMOCRATS NARROWLY HELD ONTO ONE OF THEM, NEW JERSEY.
SO, DISAPPOINTING.
BUT A MIXED BAG.
OR, AS CABLE NEWS PUT IT: >> A FIVE ALARM FIRE FOR
DEMOCRATS.
>> FIVE-ALARM FIRE.
>> NO SILVER LININGS.
>> MAJOR SETBACKS ON ELECTION DAY.
>> THE ANATOMY, REALLY, OF A DEMOCRATIC MELTDOWN.
A COMPLETE AND TOTAL MELTDOWN.
>> YOU DON'T THINK YOU'RE PART OF THE PROBLEM, AND YOU'RE A
DEMOCRAT IN POWER?
YOU HAVEN'T LOOKED IN THE MIRROR THIS MORNING.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> STEPHEN: AND IF YOU COULDN'T
STOP LOOKING IN THE MIRROR THIS MORNING, YOU'RE CHUCK TODD.
THE MEDIA, WHO ALL LIVE I ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE MEDIA, WHO ALL LIVE IN VIRGINIA OR NEW JERSEY,
COINCIDENTALLY, ARE FREAKING OUT SO BADLY THAT NBC IS LAUNCHING A
NEW SUNDAY SHOW: "SEDATE THE PRESS."
( LAUGHTER ) THE MEDIA'S NOT ALONE IN
OVER-REACTING.
ONE FORMER OFFICIAL COMPARED TUESDAY'S LOSSES TO THE LAST
BIG OFF-YEAR DISASTER FOR DEMOCRATS, SAYING, "THIS IS 2009
ALL OVER AGAIN."
YES, BACK IN 2009, AMERICANS WERE ALL ENJOYING THE OLD MAN IN
"UP."
AND NOW WE'VE ELECTED THAT MAN PRESIDENT.
WAIT, WE BETTER CHECK ON HIM.
DON'T GO, JOE!
MAYBE YOU'LL PASS INFRASTRUCTURE BY THE MIDTERMS!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) IN RESPONSE TO THEIR DEFEATS,
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS HAVE VOWED TO PASS THE "BUILD BACK
BETTER" PLAN.
ESPECIALLY SENATE MAJORITY WHIP, AND MAN FAILING TO "NAY NAY,"
DICK DURBIN.
DURBIN SAID OF THE POOR SHOWINGS IN NEW JERSEY AND VIRGINIA
"I THINK IT'S AN ACCELERANT.
IT'S TIME FOR US TO GO TO WORK."
A LITTLE LATE FOR THAT!
(AS COLLEGE STUDENT) "OKAY, I KNOW I GOT A BAD
MIDTERM REPORT CARD, SO I'M REALLY GOING TO BUCKLE DOWN.
AND STUDY.
STARTING TOMORROW.
FIRST, I GOT TO POLISH OFF ALL THE COORS LIGHTS IN THE FRIDGE
AND SMOKE A LITTLE OF THIS.
ANYONE GOT ANY ACCELERANT?" ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ONE OF THE REASONS CONGRESS
HASN'T DONE MORE-- OR ANY-- IS CONTINUED OPPOSITION FROM
MODERATES JOE MANCHIN AND KYRSTEN SINEMA, AND DEMOCRATS
ARE GETTING SICK OF IT.
TAKE ARIZONA REPRESENTATIVE AND SINGING SNOWMAN, RAUL GRIJALVA.
GRIJALVA COMPLAINED THAT THERE'S A CODE OF SILENCE AROUND MANCHIN
AND SINEMA, EXPLAINING, "WE'RE MAD AT THEM, BUT WE CAN'T SAY
ANYTHING, BECAUSE IT MIGHT MAKE THEM WEIRDER."
( LAUGHTER ) WEIRDER THAN PRESIDING OVER
THE U.S. SENATE WEARING HARLEY CASUAL?
( LAUGHTER ) (AS SINEMA)
"DON'T TEST ME, PROGRESSIVES!
I HAVE SASSY PATCHES AND I WILL IRON THEM ON!"
( APPLAUSE ) IT'S A GOOD LOOK -- SLEEVELESS.
AND THE WEIRDNESS HAS ALREADY STARTED WITH JOE MANCHIN.
HERE'S FOOTAGE OF HIM NEGOTIATING WITH CHUCK SCHUMER
TODAY: ♪♪
♪♪ ( LAUGHTER )
>> STEPHEN: POINT IS, THE DEMOCRATS HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.
AND THEY ARE...
ISH.
LAST WEEK, BECAUSE OF MANCHIN'S OPPOSITION, DEMOCRATS TOOK
PAID FAMILY LEAVE OUT OF THE "BUILD BACK BETTER" BILL.
BUT AFTER WHAT HAPPENED IN VIRGINIA, NOW, THE HOUSE HAS
ADDED A PROVISION TO PROVIDE FOUR WEEKS OF FEDERALLY-PAID
FAMILY AND MEDICAL LEAVE.
OKAY.
THAT'S SOMETHING.
IT'S NOT WHAT ANYONE ASKED FOR, BUT IT'S BETTER THAN NOTHING.
COINCIDENTALLY, THAT'S ALSO THE SLOGAN OF RC COLA.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THE ELECTION WASN'T ALL DOOM AND GLOOM.
ON TUESDAY, DETROIT VOTED TO DECRIMINALIZE PSYCHEDELIC
MUSHROOMS.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) FINALLY!
DETROIT HAS SOLVED ITS ONLY PROBLEM!
STARTING NOW, IN THE MOTOR CITY, POSSESSION AND USE OF MAGIC
MUSHROOMS BY ADULTS IS THE CITY'S LOWEST LAW-ENFORCEMENT
PRIORITY.
NOT THAT IT WAS A BIG LAW ENFORCEMENT CHALLENGE BEFORE.
IT'S PRETTY EASY TO ARREST SOMEONE WHO'S SPENT THE LAST
40 MINUTES IN THE CEREAL AISLE WEEPING WHILE LOOKING AT A BOX
OF FROOT LOOPS.
"THEY'RE ALL MY CHILDREN."
( LAUGHTER ) "THEY'RE ALL MY CHILDREN."
MUSHROOMS HAVE BEEN GAINING ACCEPTANCE RECENTLY, AS DOCTORS
HAVE FOUND THEY CAN BE USED TO TREAT A VARIETY OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
ISSUES, INCLUDING DEPRESSION.
MUCH NEEDED IN DETROIT.
WITH THIS HELP, THEY MAY ONE DAY BE ABLE TO WATCH THE LIONS.
-- WATCH THE LIONS PLAY.
( LAUGHTER ) ( PIANO RIFF )
REALLY, REALLY?
THERE ARE THAT MANY LIONS FANS HERE TONIGHT?
GET SOME MAGIC M MUSHROOMS, MY FRIEND.
( APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
I CAN MAKE THAT JOKE BECAUSE IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW I LOVE
SPORT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE SMELL OF A NEW BASEBALL
MITT; THE SMELL OF THE FRESHLY CUT GRASS; THE SMELL OF THE
POPCORN.
I MOSTLY LIKE SMELLS.
THERE'S SPORT-NEWS ABOUT GREEN BAY PACKERS QUARTERBACK AARON
RODGERS, SEEN HERE NOTICING A CLOUD THAT LOOKS LIKE A BUTT.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS WEEK, RODGERS TESTED
POSITIVE FOR COVID.
OKAY, NOT A HUGE DEAL.
PROFESSIONAL ATHLETES TEST POSITIVE FOR A LOT OF THINGS.
BUT HERE'S THE KICKER-- WHICH IS A FOOTBALL TERM:
NEWS BROKE THAT RODGERS IS NOT VACCINATED.
ACCORDING TO N.F.L. RULES, THAT MEANS HE HAS TO MISS SUNDAY'S
GAME, AND SIT OUT THE NEXT FIVE STATE FARM COMMERCIALS.
( LAUGHTER ) GOING TO BE TOUGH ON JAKE TO
CARRY THE TEAM WITHOUT HIM.
( APPLAUSE ) BROAD SHOULDERS, THOUGH.
>> Jon: YEAH.
>> Stephen: THAT'S A RED SWEATER.
THIS IS A BIG DEAL, BECAUSE RODGERS HAS WORKED REALLY HARD
TO GIVE THE IMPRESSION THAT HE'S VACCINATED.
HERE'S WHAT HE SAID RIGHT BEFORE THE START OF THE SEASON:
>> ARE YOU VACCINATED, AND WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON-- ON
VACCINATIONS?
>> YEAH, I'VE BEEN IMMUNIZED.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT OF CONVERSATION AROUND IT, AROUND
THE LEAGUE, AND THE GUYS WHO HAVE MADE STATEMENTS-- AND I
MADE STATEMENTS, OWNERS THAT MADE STATEMENTS.
>> Stephen: THAT'S REALLY VAGUE.
HE BETTER NOT TALK THAT WAY IN THE HUDDLE.
OKAY, BRING IT IN.
THE NEXT PLAY IS A RUN, OR MAYBE A PASS?
THERE HAVE BEEN A LOT OF CONVERSATIONS AROUND IT, AND THE
COACH HAS MADE A STATEMENT IN MY HELMET, BUT THE MAIN POINT IS...
LET ME BREATHE ON YOU."
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: OH, NO.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( PIANO RIFF )
>> Stephen: NOW, YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT
RODGERS SAID HE WAS "IMMUNIZED."
THAT DOESN'T MEAN VACCINATED.
TURNS OUT, RODGERS PURSUED AN ALTERNATIVE TREATMENT, AND THEN
PETITIONED THE N.F.L. TO RECOGNIZE HIM AS VACCINATED.
THE N.F.L. REFUSED, BECAUSE IT WAS A "HOMEOPATHIC TREATMENT
FROM HIS PERSONAL DOCTOR TO RAISE HIS ANTIBODY LEVELS."
UH, OH, MY GOOP SENSES ARE TINGLING!
( LAUGHTER ) MM-MM-MM...
( LAUGHTER ) I'M NO EXPERT, BUT I'M GUESSING
IT'S A LOT EASIER TO JUST PLAY FOOTBALL WITH A SHOT IN YOUR ARM
THAN A JADE EGG WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
( APPLAUSE ) THEN AGAIN, THEY ARE CALLED
"THE PACKERS."
>> Jon: OH, MY GOSH!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: FOOTBALL PLAYERS
AREN'T THE ONLY ONES TESTING POSITIVE.
A NEW STUDY FOUND THAT THE MAJORITY OF IOWA'S WHITE-TAILED
DEER MAY ALREADY BE INFECTED WITH THE CORONAVIRUS.
HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?
I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT DEER PREFER OUTDOOR DINING!
NO SURPRISE-- IT APPEARS THE DEER ARE GETTING SICK FROM
HUMANS.
THAT MEANS IOWA HUNTERS ARE KILLING THESE DEER FROM LESS
THAN SIX FEET AWAY.
"SCREW THIS GUN, I'M GOING TO STRANGLE THIS BASTARD.
DIE!
LOOK IN MY EYES!
OIM GOING TO CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF,MOUNT IT ON MY WALL!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: I REALLY GOT INTO
CHARACTER THERE FOR A MOMENT.
I HOPE I DIDN'T UPSET ANYBODY.
THE REAL CONCERN HERE IS THAT THE DEER MIGHT TRANSMIT COVID
BACK TO HUMANS, IN WHICH CASE THE ANIMALS COULD BECOME A
RESERVOIR FOR THE VIRUS.
IT'S A NIGHTMARE SCENARIO, THAT'S ALSO THE PLOT OF QUENTIN
TARANTINO'S NEXT FILM: "RESERVOIR DEER."
( LAUGHTER ) WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MY GUESTS ARE BILLY PORTER AND
ANNALEIGH ASHFORD.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) OH, STICK AROUND.