WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
WE HAVE A LOT OF FUN HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" TALKING ABOUT
THE NEWS OF THE DAY, BUT I HOPE YOU DON'T GET YOUR NEWS FROM ME
BECAUSE, NEWS FLASH: THIS ISN'T NEWS.
THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT.
IF YOU WANT NEWS GO TO CBS' JOHN DICKERSON OR THE "WITH THE
JOURNAL."
BUT DON'T GO TO SOME ANONYMOUS GUY ON SOCIAL MEDIA, BECAUSE A
LOT OF THE NEWS ON SOCIAL MEDIA IS A LIE.
AND NOT JUST BECAUSE BRIAN CLAIMS HE'S TOTALLY OVER LISA
AND IS HAVING A GREAT TIME ON HIS SOLO TRIP TO ICELAND.
THERE'S SO MUCH FAKE NEWS OUT THERE, AND IT'S HAVING SUCH AN
INFLUENCE ON OUR LIVES THAT TODAY-- AND THIS IS TRUE-- POPE
FRANCIS SAID: ( LAUGHTER )
AND IF THE POPE'S TALKING POOP, YOU KNOW WE'RE IN DEEP DOO-DOO.
( APPLAUSE ).
( CHEERS ) AND THE CRAZIEST--
AND THE CRAZIEST FAKE NEWS OF ALL IS SOMETHING CALLED
PIZZAGATE.
PEOPLE ACTUALLY BELIEVE A CONSPIRACY THEORY THAT HILLARY
CLINTON AND HER FORMER CAMPAIGN MANAGER, JOHN PODESTA, RAN A
CHILD SEX RING AT A PIZZERIA IN D.C.
THIS IS A LIE.
WE ALL KNOW THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO ARE TRAPPED IN A PIZZA PLACE ARE
THOSE ROBOTS AT CHUCK E. CHEESE.
( LAUGHTER ) I'VE SEEN "WESTWORLD."
ONE DAY THEY'RE GOING TO RISE UP AND KILL US ALL.
NOW, ACCORDING TO THE FOLKS WITH THE SPIDER EGGS HATCHING IN
THEIR BRAINS, CLINTON AND PODESTA HAVE A SERIES OF
SMUGGLING TUNNELS THAT CONNECT TO THE BASEMENT OF THE PIZZERIA,
BUT POLICE REFUSED TO INVESTIGATE THE BASEMENT CRIME
SCENE ON THE FLIMSY EXCUSE THAT THE PIZZERIA DOES NOT HAVE A
BASEMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) THAT'S HOW DEEP THIS GOES--
GROUND LEVEL.
SO WHERE DID THIS CONSPIRACY THEORY START?
APPARENTLY SOME ALT-RIGHT FOLKS WERE COMBING THROUGH CLINTON
CAMPAIGN EMAILS HACKED BY RUSSIA AND PUBLISHED BY WIKILEAKS AND
NOTICED THERE SEEMED TO BE MORE REFERENCES TO PIZZA AND
PIZZERIAS THAN THEY HAD EXPECTED, WHICH CAN ONLY MEAN
ONE THING: SECRET SEX RING.
( LAUGHTER ) A LOT OF UNINFORMED, GULLIBLE
PEOPLE FELL FOR THE CLINTON-PODESTA SEX RING THEORY,
PEOPLE LIKE TRUMP'S PICK FOR NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR,
MICHAEL FLYNN, WHO TWEETED OUT A LINK, WRITING, "NEW HILLARY
EMAILS: MONEY LAUNDERING, SEX CRIMES WITH CHILDREN, ETC.
MUST READ!" INTRODUCING IT, "U DECIDE!"
OKAY!
THEN, I DECIDE A GUY WHO SPREADS THIS BULL-(BLEEP) SHOULDN'T BE
IN CHARGE OF NATIONAL SECURITY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) AND HERE'S THE THING-- HERE'S
THE THING.
DONALDONALD TRUMP'S TRANSITION T HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT THIS IS
DISQUALIFYING MADNESS, AND THEY'VE DONE THE RIGHT THING, BY
FIRING MICHAEL FLYNN'S SON FOR TWEETING ABOUT PIZZAGATE.
PHEW!
WE REALLY DODGED ONE OF THE BULLETS HERE.
SO, PRETTY WEIRD, BUT HARMLESS FUN, RIGHT?
WRONG, BECAUSE OVER THE WEEKEND, THIS HAPPENED.
>> POLICE SAY A 28-YEAR-OLD GUNMAN ENTERED COMET PING PONG
AND FIRED OFF AN ASSAULT RIFLE.
THE SHOOTER CLAIMS HE WAS INVESTIGATING THE SO-CALLED
"PIZZAGATE STORY."
>> Stephen: THANKFULLY, NO ONE WAS HURT, BUT IT DOES RAISE
DISTURBING QUESTIONS LIKE, WHO NAMES A PIZZA PLACE "COMET PING
PONG"?
WAS "ASTEROID AIR HOCKEY" ALREADY TAKEN?
( LAUGHTER ) AND THIS INTERNET MAKE-'EM-UP
DOESN'T JUST IMPLICATE MY FAVORITE FOOD.
IT IMPLICATES MY FAVORITE ME, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO SOME FOLKS
ON REDDIT, I'M IN ON PIZZAGATE.
BECAUSE AT THE END MY ELECTION NIGHT SPECIAL, I TALKED ABOUT
PIZZA, WHICH THEY CALLED-- ALL CAPS-- "CREEPY."
THIS IS INSANE.
I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO PART IN THE PIZZAGATE CONSPIRACY...
IS WHAT THEY WANT ME TO SAY!
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BECAUSE AS THESE SUPER-SLEUTHS, THESE DA VINCI CHOADS HAVE
FIGURED OUT, I'M ON THE CLINTON PAYROLL.
THEIR EVIDENCE: WIKILEAKS IS NOW TWEETING AN EMAIL SENT TO JOHN
PODESTA THREE YEARS AGO THAT SOME REDDIT FOLKS SAY "REVEALS
COLBERT IS DIRECTLY INSTRUCTED BY POLITICIANS ON WHAT TO PUT ON
HIS SHOW (DISGUSTING)."
WAIT A SECOND.
WHY IS THAT "DISGUSTING" HIDDEN IN THOSE PARENTHESES?
WHAT DOES IT KNOW?
DID CLINTON TRAP IT THERE?
I'VE ALWAYS SAID PARENTHESES ARE THE BASEMENT OF PUNCTUATION.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW-- DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.
IT'S SPOOKY.
NOW HERE'S WHERE IT GETS...
GOOD?
THE EMAIL IN QUESTION IS ABOUT MY INTERVIEW WITH BILL CLINTON
ON STAGE DURING THE CLINTON GLOBAL INITIATIVE AT WASHINGTON
UNIVERSITY IN 2013.
CLINTON'S PRESS REP WROTE TO JOHN PODESTA, "I HOPE YOU GOT A
CHANCE TO SEE 'THE COLBERT REPORT'S' TWO SPECIAL EPISODES I
HAD THEM DO ABOUT C.G.I.-U."
NOW, I AM FLATTERED THAT THIS GUY CONSIDERED IT AN ACHIEVEMENT
THAT HE SOMEHOW BOOKED PRESIDENT CLINTON ON MY BASIC CABLE NEWS
PARODY PUPPET SHOW.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT BECAUSE THIS STAFFER TOOK
CREDIT FOR GETTING BILL ON THE SHOW, THEY THINK I'M ON
HILLARY'S PAYROLL.
FOR THE RECORD: SHE CAN'T AFFORD ME.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT-- BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY, THIS EMAIL
BLOWS THE LID OFF OF WHAT THE ILLUMINATI CALL "TALK SHOWS,"
AND NO ONE BLOWS LID QUITE LIKE HOST OF "INFO WARS," TRUMP
ADVISOR AND ALIEN SASQUATCH LOVE CHILD, ALEX P. JONES.
>> JOHN, I HOPE YOU GOT THE CHANCE TO SEE "THE COLBERT
REPORT'S" TWO SPECIAL EPISODES.
SO "THE COLBERT REPORT" SPECIAL EPISODES-- THAT WAS THE TITLE OF
IT-- THAT'S WHAT THEY'RE DOING IS, IS EVERY MAJOR MEDIA OUTLET
COORDINATING, SCRIPTING IT.
YOU DON'T NEED TO KNOW THAT WHEN OBAMA GOES ON "JIMMY FALLON
LIVE" AND HAS SOME SCRIPTED PIECE RIFFING OFF OF JAZZ AND
IT'S ALL PERFECTLY DONE, IT'S ALL CHOREOGRAPHED, AND THEY ARE
CHOREOGRAPHING THINGS.
IT'S DISGUSTING.
>> Stephen: OH, YEAH.
OH, YEAH, HE'S RIGHT.
IT'S NOT JUST ME IN TH CONSPIRACY.
IT'S THAT SHOW "JIMMY FALLON LIVE" AND THEIR FAMOUS SEGMENT,
"SLOW JAZZING THE NEWS RIFF-OFF."
IT'S ALL CHOREOGRAPHED.
I'M STARTING TO THINK THESE SHOWS MIGHT BE REHEARSED.
( LAUGHTER ) I'M BUSTED.
( APPLAUSE ) WE'RE BUSTED!
YOU GOT ME!
THE EMAIL PROVES IT!
I ASKED BILL CLINTON TO COME ON THE SHOW.
HIS GUY SAID, "OKAY.
COULD YOU DO IT IN ST. LOUIS?
BECAUSE HE'S DOING HIS CHARITY THING, AND HE WANTS TO TALK
ABOUT IT."
AND WE SAID, "YES."
THEN, WE FILMED THE WHOLE THING, PUT IT ON TV, AND EVEN PUT
COMMERCIALS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.
OH, MY GOD!
WE WERE IN IT FOR THE MONEY!
( LAUGHTER ) IT'S LIKE THESE SHOWS ARE SOME
KIND OF BUSINESS!
( LAUGHTER ) LISTEN, LISTEN.
THE SCARY PART IS, HOW HIGH DOES THIS GO?
ALL THE WAY TO OUR NEXT PRESIDENT, BECAUSE WHEN DONALD
TRUMP WAS ON THIS VERY SHOW-- AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'VE
FORCED ME TO ADMIT THIS-- WE TALKED TO DONALD TRUMP BEFORE HE
CAME ON.
AND I HOLD IN MY HAND THE ACTUAL PRE-INTERVIEW WE DID WITH DONALD
TRUMP DAYS BEFORE, WHERE WE TOLD HIM WHAT I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT,
AND HE TOLD US WHAT HE WANTED TO TALK ABOUT.
THEN WE HAD HIM ON, TALKED ABOUT IT-- I THINK HE HAD A PRETTY
GOOD TIME-- AND I TREATED HIM WITH RESPECT.
YOU KNOW WHO DIDN'T LIKE THAT?
LIBERALS.
YOU CAN LOOK IT UP.
IT'S A FUN READ.
NOW THAT HE'S GOING TO BE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES,
THIS IS AN ACTUAL HISTORICAL DOCUMENT.
IT SHOULD BE IN THE NATIONAL ARCHIVES.
AND HE SAYS SOME GOOD STUFF IN HERE, STUFF THAT I WOULD LIKE TO
READ TO YOU RIGHT NOW.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M NOT GOING TO.
( LAUGHTER ) BECAUSE THERE'S AN UNDERSTANDING
THAT THIS IS PRIVATE.
BETWEEN ME AND A GUEST THERE'S A TACIT AGREEMENT.
SO...
>> Audience: OOOOOH!
>> Stephen: OKAY.
I HAVE ANOTHER COPY, OF COURSE,.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT I'M NOT GOING TO READ THAT,
EITHER, BECAUSE HERE'S WHAT THESE CONSPIRACY THEORISTS DON'T
GET: THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CONSPIRACY AND AN
AGREEMENT.
A CONSPIRACY IS WHAT VILLAINS DO.
AN AGREEMENT IS WHAT ADULTS DO.
LOOK AROUND THE COUNTRY.
WOULDN'T YOU AGREE WE NEED SOME MORE ADULTS?
( APPLAUSE ) SO WIKILEAKS, ALEX JONES, AND
THE SUBREDDIT SUBGENIUSES-- AND I MEAN THIS IN THE NICEST
WAY POSSIBLE-- GROW THE (BLEEP) UP.