(upbeat music)
- From the beginning of time,
dogs have been a man's best friend.
They give us companionship, they assist the blind,
and they don't make fun of us,
even though they've seen how bad we are at sex.
We do it the wrong way.
Well now, dogs might be coming to the rescue again.
You see, dogs can be trained to detect diseases
like cancer and Parkinson's in patients
because of the way those diseases
subtly change a person's body odor.
Yeah, and now researches in Britain
are attempting to do the same thing with coronavirus.
And I mean, if you can still smell coronavirus
even after nobody has showered for like 3 days,
consider me impressed.
But that just shows you how amazing animals are.
Your dog can tell you if you have corona. And then your cat
will be there to eat your body after you die.
And in some good news for students,
San Francisco's school district is now proposing
that every student should just get an A,
because it's unfair for them to fail due to corona.
And I think this is a great idea because online learning
is already such a challenge, alright?
One, many students don't have broadband at home,
and two, it is harder for teachers to keep track
of how their students are doing.
And three, sex ed is 100 times more awkward
when your parents are sitting in the same room.
Sorry son, could you ask about
the location of the clitoris again?
I missed that part. Could you ask that again?
In other news, while some schools in America
might be throwing their hands up, schools in the UK
just signed a big name: Sir David Attenborough.
White people's Morgan Freeman,
and the last thing a gazelle hears
before being eating by a lion.
(lion roars)
It has been announced that Attenborough
will begin teaching geography and nature classes
as part of the BBC's virtual learning program.
And this is amazing! Can you imagine being a kid
and your teacher is David Attenborough?
Although I will warn all the kids out there.
Thanks to coronavirus,
David Attenborough sees the animal world
a little differently now.
- [Narrator] And here we have the bat.
Look at him, acting all innocent like he didn't do shit.
Thanks to them, I can't even get the mail
without press saying I'm like a broke ass ninja.
That's right, you better stay in that cave, bitch.
"Zoom". It's the popular video conferencing app,
and the reason why one corner of your house is so clean.
And now, an animal sanctuary in California
has announced a new service where they'll be renting out
their animals to appear in your zoom meetings.
Yeah. You can pay anywhere from 65 to 100 dollars,
and then you can have a goat, a llama,
a cow, a pig, or a turkey make a surprise appearance
on your Zoom call, which is all fun and games
until the goat outperforms you in your meeting.
I'm sorry to tell you, James,
but Scruffy really has some great ideas
and blew you out of the water, so (laughs) you're fired.
But on the real though, this is a really novel idea.
Because I mean, usually, the only animals we have on calls
at our company is Craig from IT.
Close your mouth when you eat, Craig!
We can see you! It's a camera.
Oh, a little advice though,
if you are gonna Zoom with animals, please,
remember to be sensitive to your new coworkers,
because otherwise things could get really awkward.
- So to some up, great job all around, team.
I think we're gonna land the Henderson account.
If you'll excuse me real quick,
I'ma take a quick bite of my burger.
- Wow!
Wow, really?
- What?
- You're just gonna eat that burger right in front of me!?
- That's my bad, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry about that.
- That could be my uncle, man.
How would you feel if I just started eating your grandad
on a Zoom call?
- I do not know what to say, other than, I am sorry.
I am so sorry for that.
(cows mooing)
- Man I'm just playing with you, its cool.
I eat a burger every now and then, too.
- You had me going there for a second. I thought...
Wait, you what?
- I love cows. Now, insulting animals
isn't the only thing you can do online these days.
Andrew Cuomo, the only governor in America
who can pull off a track suit,
has signed an executive order allowing New York couples
to get their marriage licenses online.
And, he's authorized clerks
to perform wedding ceremonies over video.
Now look, if you ask me, I don't think anyone,
I don't think anyone of us,
should be making any big life decisions
during quarantine, okay? No one.
Your concept of love is totally skewed right now.
You can trust me on this. I spent most of last week
in a relationship with a bottle of Purell.
I mean, think about it.
You're locked up with one person for so long,
you're probably gonna forget other people exist.
Yeah, you'll be like,
"you're the best guy in the world, lets get married!"
and then you're gonna take one walk and you'll be like,
"what have I done!?"
Basically, any marriage during quarantine
should have the same store policy as Best Buy:
if I'm not happy with product after three months,
I can return it or at least make an exchange.
Alright then, finally,
a heart warming story out of Massachusetts.
A chain of hospitals there
have started a new tradition called a "Code Rocky".
And what that means is whenever a patient is discharged
after being successfully treated for Covid-19,
all available staff reports to the lobby
and they applaud the patient while they play them
the theme song from the "Rocky" movies.
And I don't care what anyone says, this is so great.
Can you imagine, they play the "Rocky" music,
you know, its such an inspirational tune,
when you getting out of the hospital,
getting back into life.
And then I'm assuming when you get your bill,
they play you the theme from "Jaws".
(imitates theme from "Jaws")
How much? You gotta be careful with that music though.
'Cause that "Rocky" music really gets people going.
I mean, what if you play it for the patient,
and it ends up pumping the coronavirus instead.
I was about to throw in the towel,
but that music makes me believe I can do it!
It's time for the second wave!
(imitates "Rocky" theme song)
Today is day 37 of us staying at home
to try and prevent the spread of the coronavirus.
And not only is it day 37,
today is also Earth Day. Yes, the day when we celebrate
one of the top planets humans have ever lived on.
And you know, honestly, you gotta admit man,
Earth is having the best Earth Day ever.
Because ever since coronavirus
locked all of us in our homes,
animals have been roaming free,
the smog has cleared from the sky,
the waters of Venice are blue again.
Basically, as bad as coronavirus has been for humans,
it's been amazing for the Earth. In fact,
I don't want to be a conspiracy theorist,
but isn't Wuhan a part of the Earth?
IKEA: the perfect place to buy furniture that's cheap,
but looks cheap.
The Swedish company has decided to release
an easy version of the recipe for its famous meatballs.
So that you can make the meatballs at home. Yeah.
And since quarantine
already has you fighting with your significant other,
once you've got the meatballs,
you'll have the entire IKEA experience.
Now, this is a really cool idea.
Although the last time I ate meatballs at IKEA,
it gave me some indigestion, and I learnt the hard way
that those display bathrooms
are not hooked up to the plumbing. Someone should fix that.
But I do appreciate that IKEA released this recipe,
and honestLy, I couldn't wait to try it for myself.
I don't understand,
why there's extra screws? It's meatballs.
(sobbing)
Alright, I wasn't crying.
This next story is for everyone out there
who's forced to work from home.
Do you feel like your work is taking over your living space?
Well, you should thank your lucky stars
that you don't live with this guy.
- Banksy, striking again. - I love him.
This time in his own bathroom? - (laughs) Yeah, not sure
if you'll like this, Kim. Take a look.
England's mysterious street artist
posting these photos online showing rats running amock
during the lockdown in the artist's bathroom.
One rat hanging from a light switch by its tail
looking down at another hanging from a towel holder,
while squirting toothpaste onto the wall.
There's also this one of a rat
playing on a roll of toilet paper.
There's also one by the toilet
which you probably don't wanna look closely at. Yikes.
- Man, I don't know how Banksy did it,
but I want in on this scam.
'Cause when he draws all over his wall,
he's a "brilliant artist", but when I do it,
I'm "losing my security deposit".
And this must have been really weird
for his roommate when you think about it.
Because nobody knows who Banksy is,
so they walked in to the bathroom and they're like,
"oh my God, this is a Banksy!" Wait a minute. Mark?
Do you think Banksy was in our bathroom?
And finally, every day, we read tragic stories
of how many lives the coronavirus has claimed.
But maybe what we should also be doing
is celebrating the people who've come back to life.
- [Narrator] We do wanna mention one person
who was singled out today by Governor Murphy.
26 Year old Jack Allard, who was in a medically induced coma
after coming down with a virus.
After spending time on a ventilator
in five full weeks in the hospital,
the governor today announcing that Jack has died.
- It was a long month
but slowly Jack rebounded,
and last Thursday he was clapped out
by the doctors and nurses who saved his life,
as he walked out of the hospital.
- [Narrator] I feel horrible. Jack is very much alive.
Jack, we love you! Again, Jack is alive and back home.
He has come home, not in the figurative sense,
but in the quite literal sense.
And my deepest apologies for that.
I was just, misread everything and I apologize.
But he is alive and we are grateful for that.
- Wow.
That was quite the emotional rollercoaster.
Jack has tragically died,
and I'm hearing Jack is very much alive! Good on you, Jack.
Okay, let's turn to Glenn for the weather forecast. Glenn?
Oh my God, he's dead! Oh no, wait, he's on the other side.
Sorry, Glenn. What's the weather looking like?
I actually wonder if this is what happened with Jesus.
(angelic choir)
Because, I mean, what's more likely:
that the son of God died and then came back to life, or,
that some Jerusalem news anchor just read the story wrong?
No, I,
I still believe the bible story, and I'll tell you why.
Because my grandmother might watch this episode.
Hi, gogo.
(upbeat music)