- Here we are with Zainab and Moshe, and we're excited!
(intense music)
I had a turtleneck on this morning but I switched it.
- Yeah, I wear them because they say that coronavirus
starts with the throat and the nose and stuff
and so, this, I let the blow dryer go up my nose...
- That's the trick?
(all laugh)
I haven't read that.
- You think that your turtleneck is gonna prevent
COVID 19 from coming in? - [David] Yes.
- You should be be be a scientologist!
They all wear turtlenecks.
There's no way any of them are catching it.
- No, it doesn't prevent it, but it comforts me
and then my stress levels are low
and that way my immune system is high.
- I like that.
- They hug me.
- Spade, before we get started,
can I plug some of my live dates this weekend?
I got a bunch of really hot shows coming up.
- Yeah, tell me.
- Oh yeah, I'm gonna be...
I'm doing an open field show at the Greek Theater
this very Friday.
Senior citizens get in free.
Anybody with asthma, half off.
- That's great.
You know, you could go to the Greek and stand there.
(Moshe laughs)
- They'll let me in.
- You should just have a camera
and then people will think you played it.
I am doing...
I'm appearing in my kitchen,
I know Saturday for sure.
So, I'll be in there, if anybody's interested.
- I'll be outside peering into your kitchen.
- Yeah, it's not a bad deal.
I like that you guys are blurred in the back
and I'm not and I have the most boring background.
But, enough about me.
I feel that...
By the way, I got paparazzi coming...
This is like a new office I'm putting together,
and I got a camera guy, I didn't know followed me
and I just got out and in the middle of the street
he's like, "David, David!"
like it's the middle of non-coronavirus,
like this is the most important thing now.
- You know, I haven't been paparazzi'ed this whole time.
It must be because of the virus
that they're not following me around.
- I though they were gonna lay low, but they're out.
Who's out?
Who's-
- I saw people taking pictures with the Hollywood
walk of fame when I was walking to the grocery store
the other day.
Like, laying on the ground.
They were like, "Fuck corona."
(David laughs)
- That's so gross.
- You just gotta stay away from Andy Dick's star
and I think you should stay healthy.
(all laugh)
- They spray that thing down all the time, I feel.
- It's got an auto-Purell for that star.
- Speaking of celebrities, this brings me to
Harry and Meghan Markle.
They are officially moving to LA.
It's offic' and sources claim the couple left Canada
because people couldn't handle seeing celebrities up there,
but we feel like the sources were Meghan's PR team.
(Zainab and Moshe laugh)
So, she's down, and I don't know if we're ready for it.
- I love the idea of hiring a PR agent for the COVID period.
"I just gotta get that buzz going right now."
(David laughs)
I don't know, if they thought a folksy Canadian guy
in a plaid shirt staring at them was uncomfortable,
wait 'til they move nextdoor to 42 Persian Jews.
They'll be like, "Look, honey!
It's the real Shah of Sunset right there."
(David and Zainab laugh)
- I don't know, Harry is moving around.
First he was at his grandmother's house.
Now he's in his girl's momma's house.
Harry sounds like a fuck-boy.
(David and Moshe laugh)
- He might be.
- He's a fuck-prince, Zainab.
- He's a fuck-prince? - He's a fuck-prince.
They do seem to keep moving to countries
with incrementally worse healthcare.
Like, pretty soon they're gonna be
doing the dry cough samba in Brazil.
(David and Zainab laugh)
- If he plummets from prince to regular Joe to fuck-boy
that fast, that's a record time.
- Yeah, I feel like he must be kind of regretting
his choice to leave the royal family at this point, right?
He's gotta be looking at Meghan like,
"We could have been quarantining in a castle, Meghan,
not a one bedroom in Studio City!"
- Exactly.
I was saying, "Chi."
Her whole job, they quit, and all they did was shake hands.
Now, they wouldn't even have to do that.
So, she quit early,
because they would have just been in the castle
and they would have said,
"For a couple months, don't meet anyone,"
'cause they have to shake hands with everyone
in England.
"Hi." "How are you?"
"Hey." Hug.
You know, hug, now and then for a photo op,
little kid, "Hey."
But now, she would have been off the hook.
- How is Queen Elizabeth alive?
(Zainab laughs)
- And they were worried about Prince Charles
and he's her son, right?
- Well, didn't the father
just test positive for coronavirus?
- Yes!
- Prince, prince, what's his name?
- Prince Charles. - Prince Charles.
(Zainab and Moshe laugh)
The prince formerly known as the prince.
- The artist formerly known as healthy.
- Yeah.
(David and Zainab laugh)
I think it's good though that they're here now
while they have to stay inside
because it's about to be summer
and like, the California sun,
it will destroy Harry's pale ass skin.
(Moshe laughs)
- Bring your SPF.
Oh, you know what?
I should warn them, "Don't bring any tigers
over the border," like in the Tiger King.
They don't like that.
They're not carry-on.
If we learned anything from that...
- Didn't Harry grow up riding on the back of a tiger?
Isn't that how he got from place to place?
(David laughs)
- I wanna see Meghan on Cameo.
I'll order that one.
Happy birthday.
- What do you think her price is, on Cameo?
- It's up there with Caitlyn Jenner.
It's up there with the higher ones, I think.
- I gotta say, this quarantine is kinda depressing
watching people that I know slowly become
willing to do Cameo because no one's making any money,
but then, watching them set their own price
is kinda like, "Aw, come on, buddy.
You could have done better than that."
- Oh, they dropping it now?
- Yeah, they're just com...
Listen, I don't think I would have a very high price either.
That's why I'm not on Cameo.
Because I can't go public with what I think I'm worth.
- Oh yeah, it's too-
- I mean, is Cameo better than asking people to drop money
in a cash app?
(Moshe laughs)
- That's fair.
- Cash app.
I can't believe how many Amazon wish lists
I've plugged into these days.
I mean, I'm just throwing money out.
Sorry.
You guys...
- Oh, for some of your favorite stars, Dave?
- Yeah.
- Some of your favorite actresses?
- Cam stars.
- Yeah, sure.
(Zainab laughs)
- No, listen.
I thought I saw Meghan and Harry at Ralph's yesterday,
but it wasn't.
I can safely say it was not.
- Yeah, no, if it was Whole Foods, maybe,
but not Ralph's.
- That's true.
Ralph's is a little...
But I was there.
- You really went to a Ralph's yesterday, Dave?
- I don't touch anything.
I go in, I make sure everyone knows it's me,
and then I go, "Oh, hi,"
and then I act like I don't want to,
and then I go to Carl, who gives me chicken salad,
and it's just one exchange.
Chicken salad.
And then that was all I needed yesterday.
And then it was like in a thing,
and then I went home,
did another lap for paparazzi,
nothing.
Went back in, went in my car, and left.
- I like how it sounds like celebrities are having
paparazzi withdrawals.
Like, "I don't need any essentials,
but I need to go out to be seen."
- You're sort of nailing what I'm-
- Also you get-
You get chicken salad from a person named Carl at Ralph's?
- At a store named Ralph?
(all laugh)
I do.
Celebrities, we're gross too.
All right, we gotta go on because it's getting too personal.
In prison news, which everyone's asking about,
the Federal Bureau of Prisons,
hard to say,
they moved an Amish man in jail.
He was doing beard cutting attacks.
That's their big crime there they worry about.
He's gonna finish the rest of his sentence at home
and say what you want.
He's not gonna see this.
He doesn't get computers, so, we're good.
(Zainab laughs)
Yeah, yeah, you can't test the house arrest bracelet
with no electricity, right?
- Oh, that's right.
They plug it in and it goes out in two days and that's it.
- No, for him it's a wooden house arrest bracelet.
It's just, it's an honor system.
- Uh, yeah.
Zainab- - By the way, the guys
Go ahead - Go ahead.
Okay, I was gonna ask her if she would be interested
in Amish guy.
Would that be like, if he popped on Riot or something.
- No, I would not.
Although, I do like guys with beards,
but I prefer them to be like Muslim, so...
(all laugh)
but also, I don't think it's fair
that he got to keep his beard.
I think that should have been the first consequence
- Number one. - like yo, run me that beard.
Yeah.
What was his name, Samuel?
Run that beard, Samuel.
Like, I think that's what shoulda happened first.
- I like when those nails get in the camera.
(Zainab laughs)
- I mean, Zainab, you could try to take his beard,
but this dude was a straight up Amish gangster.
Those people are lucky it was just a beard trim
and not a drive-by.
That's the only...
The Amish drive-by is the only drive-by
that begins with the word "Giddy-up."
- Yeah, they take...
I wanted to see that chase
because if he took off on a horse,
then the police would be like,
"The suspect's on an actual white bronco."
(all laugh)
- David!
Yeah, I love it.
- Look at me go.
- I think he shoulda stayed in jail.
I think he shoulda stayed in jail.
They didn't allow Tekashi 69 out,
why should they let Samuel out?
- Well, he had to get back to his village
to help them hand churn the Purell.
- They hand churn it?
- That's right. They're...
- Like a butter thing?
- Hold on, the hand sanitizer's almost ready!
- Don't come in, I'm hand churning!
- Who does an extremist Amish guy,
like click up with in prison?
I feel like even the Nazis would be like.
"Eh, that guys extreme for us."
Oh yeah, I'm scared of Amish people.
I saw that movie "Witness" and I really learned a lot.
I didn't retain it, but I learned a lot.
All right, they invented social distancing, by the way,
because they're always...
I feel like I'm living like an Amish guy right now.
- That's right.
I feel very old school with my Skype session
into a television program, and my lighting setup.
This feels very old-school.
Classic Amish.
By the way, we're- - I'm churning butter!
(all laugh)
Get in the corner!
- I got something for your wish list!
Hold on, here it comes.
- I have to move on, I have to.
We have so much to get to, we have no time.
We don't?
(Zainab laughs)
A medical fetish website, that Moshe,
you forwarded to me once,
and it was very interesting, - That's right, that's right.
- They donated disposable scrubs through health officials,
they helped out.
So, if your nurse is wearing ass-less scrubs,
this is probably why.
I guess this is positive news.
You know, everyone's pitching in.
- Absolutely. - Yeah,
I think we should take a book from New York
and clap to the sex toy shop. - [Moshe] Okay.
- I am game.
Oh, like on the balconies?
- Yeah.
(Zainab laughs)
- Oh, you mean everybody turns on their vibrator
and it's just like a song?
- Or, maybe we-
(David makes vibrating sounds)
(all laugh)
- It's New York!
(all make vibrating sounds)
- You could go,
(David makes vibrating noises)
- Wait, doesn't it go like,
♪ Start spreading your legs ♪
something like that?
- Something like that. - That would work.
- That's a classic Frank Sinatra!
- If you have one with enough vibrations on it,
like you go low, medium, high, higher, high, jack-hammer,
like a blender, you could make a song if you go,
(vibrates melodically)
- Yeah, they usually have 10 settings.
- Oh, they do? - Oh!
- Thank you!
(all laugh)
- The tenth one is in case of corona.
You're like, "I never get to this one, but..."
- Yeah, you put it on your throat over your turtleneck.
(Moshe makes vibrating noise against throat)
(all laugh)
It just goes to show you that in these trying times
everybody needs to pitch in and lend a hand.
Even if it is a prosthetic hand covered in cum.
We all need to- - Hey!
Zainab's right there.
She's too sweet for this.
Hey, and did you hear that she's gonna be very interested-
- Not during a pandemic.
I'm not too sweet for anything.
Give it to me, Moshe.
(Moshe and Zainab laugh)
- Did you spend all morning taking the locks off your doors?
- With the vibrator!
(David and Moshe make vibrating noises)
- I will admit, though, I have this fantasy
that this really fine doctor comes into my house
and he's like, "I just cured COVID.
You can go outside now,"
I'm like, "Ooh."
(Moshe laughs)
- Why would he come to your house?
- That's part of fantasy. - Specifically
to tell you-
- 'Cause it's my fantasy!
(Zainab and Moshe laugh)
- He says, "Don't tell anyone else."
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, "Shh."
- Are there other people in your fantasies?
- Me, I think about myself being more successful.
Every fantasy is the same.
- That's your dream?
You wake up and you're a little bit more famous,
and you go, "Aw." - Yeah.
(all laugh)
That's my sex dream.
(Moshe laughs)
- The good news is that they did convert the bang bus
into an ambulance.
This is great news.
- A very sticky ambulance.
Yeah, I heard about that.
There's other good news, by the way.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- The good news is the scrubs do prevent the spread
of COVID 19.
Bad new is they will infect you with Hepatitis C,
100% guaranteed.
- So, it's a push?
- Yeah, it's a push, I guess.
- No, you come out a little ahead on that one, I think.
- No, but every third surgical mask comes with
a surprise ball gag in there, so it's kinda cool.
- Just to suppress the coughing?
(Moshe laughs)
- That's right!
- Phase one is doctors.
Phase two is strippers dressed as doctors.
We're running out of doctors right now.
- Oh, they'll just burst in?
- I feel bad.
They're gonna put...
They're like, "Hey, can we use your kitchen
for a hospital?"
I'm like, "Are we already there?"
I mean, let's give it a beat.
I think there's other places.
(Zainab and Moshe laugh)
"Can we use your cutting board as a stretcher?"
"No, we're not...
We're that out?
Already?
We're that out of everything?"
All right, well on that sad antic,
(all laugh)
I just wanna know where furries fall into all this.
'Cause they're sort of a fetish, but,
you know what furries are, don't you or not?
- Sure, sure. - I do not, I don't.
Bring me up to speed.
- I actually am a furry.
I don't know if you can see that from where you're at,
but I actually...
I'm a OG natural furry.
- I love it. I think they're
- Oh, like a hairy person?
- No, I think they're people that dress-
- Yeah, they dress like animals.
It's a fetish of theirs to dress like animals.
And to be honest, I don't really understand the appeal,
truth is.
(all laugh)
Yeah, I'm camping from my daughter's nursery.
Okay.
(all laugh)
♪ Ba, ba, ba, beds, ba beds ♪
That was good.
All right, well let's end on furries and cosplay
and we'll pick it up there next time.
Thank you guys.
I know you've gotta get back to laying down.
We will talk soon.
Miss you
- Bye! Thank you, bye!
(Intense music)