Have you ever wondered why you are attracted to some people and not others?
And I don’t only mean as romantic partners, which is probably where your mind just went.
What, for example, led to us developing our close friendships?
And what prevented us from developing friendships with others?
And, to take it one step further, what causes us to stay together—to keep wanting to stay
in those relationships?
You might say that you are “drawn to each other,” and some might say there is a magnetic
attraction.
Well, that’s not too far from the truth—at least according to the research relating to
interpersonal attraction, which is the degree to which you want to form or maintain an interpersonal
relationship.
That’s what we will focus on in this video: The factors involved in interpersonal attraction—what
factors increase our likelihood of being attracted to others as potential interpersonal partners,
or short-term attraction, as well as those factors that keep us wanting to stay in interpersonal
relationships, long-term attraction.
As we go through this, realize that different theorists and textbooks will identify different
factors or use different terminology so, if you’re being tested on this information,
check out what your instructor wants you to know.
We’ve already defined “interpersonal attraction” as the degree to which you want to form or
maintain an interpersonal relationship.
Let’s start with the “forming” part, which is what draws you to that relationship:
short-term, sometimes called “initial” attraction.
These factors help you determine who you are going to approach as a possible new communication
partner, be they potential romantic partners, friends, or even employers and coworkers.
The two most obvious factors are proximity and physical appearance.
Proximity means that you are more likely to form or pursue relationships with people who
are near you—in close proximity.
(I’m adding in virtual closeness as not all interpersonal relationships require physical
interaction.)
That only makes sense.
Two people may be just right for each other, but if they never meet, then it doesn’t
matter.
Also, for example, if you meet someone on the last day of class but you don’t anticipate
that you will ever see them again, then you are less likely to be attracted to them: the
predicted lack of proximity acts as a deterrent.
In fact, the propinquity effect addresses that, the more we see and interact with someone,
the more likely that person is to become a friend or romantic partner.
Another way to think of this is frequency of interactions; if you interact with someone
on a frequent basis, physically or virtually, you become more comfortable with them.
But you can also consider a related concept, the “mere” exposure effect or the familiarity
principle.
This concept predicts that the more we are exposed to something, the more we end up liking
it.
Studies have found this to be the case with inanimate objects or concepts—in fact, one
study focused on exposure to Chinese characters—but you likely have similar experiences with people.
The more we are exposed to people on a regular basis—at work, on a sports team, in a classroom,
or wherever—the more we end up liking—or at least, tolerating--them.
The second most common short-term factor is physical appearance.
All you have to do is look at how much time people spend trying to choose the best pictures
for dating profiles to understand how important this factor is.
In fact, the dating website, eHarmony, said, “What matters more than anything when it
comes to your online dating profile?
One word: Photos.
Photos can drastically increase your chances of getting more communication and dates.
Or not.”
You may think that this only applies to being attracted to romantic partners, but it’s
true for friends, as well.
Consider the flip side of this: you are less likely to be attracted to someone who is physically
unattractive.
It doesn’t mean it can’t happen—indeed, many of us have developed friendships and
romantic relationships with those others might consider “ugly”—but, oftentimes, that’s
because we’ve spent a lot of time with that person to the point that physical appearance
isn’t that important (remember the “mere” exposure effect?).
Consider every version of a story like the Hunchback of Notre Dame or Beauty and the
Beast, Disneyfied or not.
As the story progresses, the physical attributes become less of a deterrent to an interpersonal
relationship.
And, of course, we can’t discount the draw of sexuality, which is associated with physical
attractiveness.
We probably don’t need to spend much time on this topic, but you know that it can be
vitally important to many—to the point that, even though I’m including it as a part of
physical appearance, many scholars classify this as its own factor in short-term attraction.
A related concept is the Matching Hypothesis, proposed by psychologist Elaine Hatfield in
1966, which suggests that we are attracted to someone who represents the same level of
physical attractiveness as we perceive we have.
Before you reject this, saying, “Hey, I want to get that hot babe or hunky fireman”—yeah,
I know those are stereotypes, but you get the point—realize that this refers to who
we are attracted to as a potential for an interpersonal relationship.
You may have heard someone say, “she’s out of my league,” or “he’d never talk
to someone who looks like me.”
If you have, you’ve seen the matching hypothesis in action.
The good news is that we all have different ideas of what “attractiveness” looks like.
Consider the 2001 Dreamworks’ movie, Shrek, where the ogre finds the spellbound Princess
Fiona unattractive in her traditional princess form but lovely in her ogre form.
The even better news is that this factor often decreases in importance when we get into the
relationship.
You’ve probably heard the cliché, “Beauty is skin deep.”
Someone who is attractive on the outside might not have the same qualities on the inside.
That brings us to those factors that increase the likelihood that we maintain or deepen
our relationships: Long-term, or Maintenance attraction.
While short-term attraction is what “draws you,” long-term attraction is what “keeps
you.”
The two factors we just discussed, proximity and physical appearance, can also come into
play here.
There are many cases where people divorced because one of them had to travel extensively
for work—resulting in reduced proximity—or because one or both partners was unable or
unwilling to maintain their physical appearance.
But, for many of us, as we get to know each other, the attention to our partner’s physical
appearance decreases and we may intentionally increase our proximity by meeting by design,
rather than by circumstance.
They may still be important in maintaining our relationships or the desire to spend more
time together, but other factors begin to emerge.
One of the most important is similarity: We tend to be attracted to people who are similar
to ourselves, in personalities, values, experiences, and so on.
For example, we are attracted to people who do the same things, socially, as we do.
If you like going to movies, you tend to be attracted to those who also like going to
movies.
If you like playing a pick-up game of basketball, you tend to… well, you know.
This is why we search for common ground when we meet people.
We are also drawn to people who perform the same tasks we do, professionally or otherwise.
Parents of toddlers tend to be attracted to other parents of toddlers.
Students tend to be attracted to other students—hey, they have a lot in common to complain about—I
mean, talk about.
If someone has gone through some of the same experiences we have, sharing similar backgrounds,
we tend to relate to them.
It could be growing up in a small town, having attended the same schools, or served in the
military—but, again, something we can talk about.
And, in most cases, we enjoy being around those who share our same values and attitudes.
I, for example, tend to value education so it’s not a surprise that I tend to maintain
relationships with others who value education.
Similarities support the cliché, “birds of a feather flock together,” but you know
there’s a contradictory cliché of “Opposites attract.”
This relates to the concept of Differences or Complementary Needs.
Usually, we are attracted to someone who is different from us in a way that compliments
us.
If you are a really funny person, you tend to be attracted to someone who appreciates
your sense of humor.
If you are spontaneous, someone who is more of a planner, in the words of Dorothy Boyd
in the 1996 American film, Jerry Maguire, helps “complete” you.
Other factors related to long-term interpersonal attraction are competence (we are attracted
to those we view as intelligent, skilled in what they do, and credible), charisma (they’re
just so darn positive and fun to be around!), and self-disclosure (how else are we going
to find out what we have in common if we don’t self-disclose information about ourselves?).
One last factor: Reciprocal Liking.
This is the concept that we tend to like people who like us.
Let me use an example from elementary school: Your friend comes up to you and tells you
that Ryan likes you.
Now, before this, you had never thought of Ryan as a potential romantic partner but…
well… now, you do.
Yes, that concept still applies long past elementary school.
If someone demonstrates that they like you, like holding a seat for you in class, smiles
encouragingly at you, flirts with you, then you are more likely to like them back.
Many therapists recommend couples spend time dating again, start complimenting each other,
and demonstrating that they still care for each other because, oftentimes, romantic relationships
become more on being there for each other than showing you like or love each other.
Two exceptions to reciprocal liking: When you feel the other person doesn’t really
like you but likes what you can do for them (a hidden agenda), we are less likely to want
to maintain that relationship.
And, sometimes, if someone has a different view of you than you have of yourself, that
disconnect makes it difficult to stay in the relationship—it’s too uncomfortable.
With a better understanding of how interpersonal attraction works in both the short-term and
long-term, you can analyze your relationships with friends, romantic partners, and others.
Interpersonal attraction—or lack of it—plays a large role in how we form, develop, maintain,
and escalate our interpersonal relationships.
And, perhaps it’s worth a warning: If we don’t pay attention to these factors, like
not spending time together, exploring our similarities, and so on, we may find our relationships
deteriorating.