This is my first time here.
I walked around your lovely town
today and I realized
that every place I went I was
the oldest person there.
(audience laughing)
What have you done with all
the old people?
(audience laughing)
Where are you hiding grandpa
and grandma?
(audience laughing)
How did you escape, you old?
(audience laughing)
I am old, man.
I got a birthday coming up.
I'm at this age where I can't even
lie about my age
anymore without getting the face.
I was telling people I was 60
for years
but I just kept getting this--
(audience laughing)
So I did go shopping today.
I almost got--
I went, I was going to get earbuds
but I couldn't decide to get earbuds
or a hearing aid
so I went with the--
(audience laughing)
I'm in my golden years.
Do you mind if I ask how old you are?
- 77.
- No, you're not.
(audience laughing)
- 78 this year.
- You said 77, right?
I hate you.
(audience laughing)
What is it?
You live up here?
What, do you climb mountains
and stuff?
(audience laughing)
Wrestle bears?
Look at you.
You look fantastic.
What's your name?
- Paula.
Oh!
Oh, OK.
Paula.
Jersey.
I don't speak Utah.
(audience laughing)
Where I am it's Paula!
Because that's what Italian guys
yell at their wives.
"Paula, make me dinner.
(audience laughing)
"I'll help you.
"Bring the stove over here."
(audience laughing)
77?
Unbelievable.
So you're in your golden years too.
Kind of-- what idiot named them
the golden years?
Oh, please.
Let me tell you something
about the golden years, OK?
I'm standing in front of the mirror
naked this morning--
(audience laughing)
Wait.
(audience laughing)
So I'm standing in front of the mirror
and I'm looking at myself.
I'm going, oh man, if these are
the golden years then the price
of gold just collapsed.
(audience laughing)
And my friends are all like, ah,
what are you worried about?
65?
That's the new 55.
That's the new thing now,
right Paula?
You hear people say that.
They just take 10 years
off their age.
What kind of math is that?
Oh, you're 40.
That's the new 30.
You're 20.
That's the new 10.
(audience laughing)
You're 10?
Go back up the birth canal.
You're not even born yet.
(audience laughing)
If you think 65 is the new 55,
try sleeping through the night
without getting up to pee like
four times, right?
(audience laughing)
Try climbing a flight of stairs
without stopping halfway up
and going, oh.
(audience laughing)
Stairs, right?
If you think 65 is the new 55,
try getting a job.
And when the HR person says to you,
"so where do you see yourself
"in five years?"
(audience laughing)
Try not to laugh at their face
and go, aren't we the optimist?
(audience laughing)