Stand aside Captain America, we’ve got this covered lad.
Welcome to WatchMojo UK and today we’ll be subverting superhero movies into an all-out
British affair!
For today’s video, we’ve rallied against the all-American stranglehold on the superhero
genre to propose something different – and we think, something better.
Probably.
The standard origins story needs two things; an idea for where, when and why a character
gained superhuman powers, and a training montage showing their development.
Usually there’s some kind of accident, scientific oversight, supernatural event or the discovery
of an unknown other world.
And while nearly all of these things could happen over Friday drinks at the Dog and Duck,
we’d wager that the best superheroes are those you’d least expect – the shelf-stacker
at Poundland, the guy at Greggs who’s always knackered, or the weather reporter on an unusually
windy day.
And obviously they’d live in an out-the-way village with some obscure sounding name like
Wetwang, Pucklechurch or Barton in the Beans (all real place names, by the way).
Swap Peter Parker’s spider for that daddy-long-legs on your ceiling, and we’re away.
The Batman of Bitchfield who got bit by a pigeon; that’s something we’d pay to see
– as long as it’s narrated by Stephen Fry with a David Bowie soundtrack.
As cool as superhero costumes are, they’re not exactly hard to miss – or especially
practical.
What if Spider-Man needed stealth mode?
What then?
The full-body leotard is a bit of a giveaway…
In Brit hands our heroes would rock an understated style – slipping into spandex for special
occasions only.
James Bond basically has slick suits copyrighted, but no-one suspects Shorts-and-T-Shirt Man.
The Brit badass is ready to fight crime at any given moment, even when he’s dressed
like a dog-walker.
And obviously his wardrobe is all-weather ready, and fully-stocked with factor 50 sun-cream.
But, the Brit hero has an eye for fashion, too.
Even the Doctor stays on-trend, and he’s had all of time and space to sport something
other than Converse and a trench coat.
And then there’s Sherlock Holmes, who makes a deerstalker look dapper.
According to the Avengers, a battle’s not a battle until entire cities are reduced to
rubble.
But is the carnage really worth the clean-up?
There’re only so many skyscrapers that can count as collateral damage, and you won’t
find many outside of Canary Wharf.
Why not just relocate the Hulk to Legoland, and give him the run of the place for a few
hours?
“Hot Fuzz” has already proven how intense a model village scene can be.
But of course, the bad guys do need bringing to justice, and despite what Simon Pegg says,
these things very rarely blow over.
Brit characters bring unrivalled versatility when it comes to their weapon of choice.
Thor’s Hammer or the Sonic Screwdriver?
Cap’s shield or Shaun’s cricket bat?
We know which we’d rather wield.
Just watch an EastEnders omnibus for more far-fetched fight-scene ideas, but don’t
ask for Ian Beale’s help.
Everyone knows that Brits play baddies best, and it seems like every comic villain requires
a well-rounded Oxford accent these days.
But why not smash the stereotype and give the antagonist a rural ramble, instead.
The countryside is far from crime-free (five minutes in Midsomer will attest to that),
and a West Country drawl could actually prove more ominous.
Think Samwise Gamgee, but swap the ‘po-tay-toes’ for machine gun kills.
Alternatively, Brit supervillains could clearly channel the UK’s rich reputation for gritty
gangster flicks.
Set the action in East London, and have an army of Danny Dyers plot global domination.
And we’re thinking exact replicants too, like a clan of Cockney Oompa Loompas stationed
at the Queen Vic.
If that’s not the stuff of nightmares, nothing is.
Here’s where the Brits win out, no question.
A small island we may be, but we’re also responsible for The Beatles, Bobby Moore,
Stephen Hawking, Vivienne Westwood, Wallace, Gromit, Rachel Riley and Superhans from “Peep
Show”.
We’ve redefined music, fashion, the internet, we invented almost every sport ever played,
and the US just can’t help but copy everything we put on TV.
So, a couple of superheroes should be a stroll.
But there’d be no chest-pumping, glory-hunting glamour poses to match our American counterparts.
Who needs waffle like that when you can save the world and still be home in time for “Pointless”
– get a zero on that show and you truly stand amongst the Gods.
And Brit heroes know what’s worth fighting for, too.
Yes, a crazed inventor with a robot killing machine is something to worry over, but there
are worse things in life – like a 10p price hike on the Boots Meal Deal, or half a hobnob
at the bottom of a coffee cup.
Marvel, take note, we’re coming for you.
What do you think would be better in British hands?
Let us know and we’ll make it happen!