If immigration reform was the centerpiece
of your entire campaign
and you were maybe going to shut down
the whole government over it,
it would help if you knew any of those things
instead of this.
Cancel the lottery program.
They call it visa lottery.
I just call it lottery.
Where countries come in and they put names in a hopper.
They're not giving you their best names.
Common sense means they're not giving you their best names.
They're giving you people that they don't want,
and then we take them out of the lo-lottery.
And where they do it by hand,
where they put the hand in a bowl,
like, probably what's in their hand
are the worst of the worst.
But they put people that they don't want into a lottery,
and the United States takes those people.
You know, sometimes Trump is so stupid
that it's not funny.
The names are in a bowl?
There's 15 million applications,
and it's all online.
This is not some scam
where other countries send America
their worst individuals, right?
People apply, and then after vetting them,
the U.S. State Department chooses who comes in.
Trump makes it sound like there's just some dude
on the local news like, "Your lucky immigrants tonight:
"Rizwan, Shakir, Masiko,
and your power immigrant, El Chapo!"
(laughter)
So, either Trump is lying about the visa lottery,
or he's a dumbass who doesn't know how it works.
And I really don't know which one it is.
So, let's move on to the other immigration program
that Trump desperately wants to end: chain migration,
which, according to him,
goes a little something like this.
Chain migration is one of the disasters.
-You allow one person in, -Yeah.
and that one person brings in ten or 12 people.
The individuals right now
who are receiving green cards,
they can bring in, say, an elderly relative
who could immediately go on to...
um, public assistance if they become unable
to support themselves financially.
And then that person can bring in a relative
who could bring in a relative who can bring in a relative,
and that's why they call it chain migration.
Okay, okay, okay. Slow down, daytime Dracula.
You've got everything right there
except the facts.
Because he makes it sound
like the minute an immigrant gets a green card,
they can bring their whole village with them.
Sort of like this.
(whistles)
(all shouting)
For Trump, that was based on a true story.
But here's the thing. If you have a green card,
you can't just bring your whole family.
You can only bring your unmarried children
and your spouse.
And even if you go on to become a U.S. citizen,
the time it takes to bring your family is a lot longer
than Donny and the Trumpettes make it sound.
If you're a legal resident filing for your adult child,
the wait time for that adult child
is roughly nine years.
If you're a U.S. citizen filing for a sibling,
uh, the wait time is roughly 13 years
for them to get a visa,
and that time is even longer
if you're from China, India or the Philippines,
and so... a-and Mexico.
And for some of them, that wait time
pushes at 20 years.
That's right, it could take up to 20 years
to bring a foreign family member to live with you in the U.S.
Which, for some relatives,
is going to mean some hard choices.
It's like, "Grandma, look, I love you.
"But 20 years, I mean...
"It's a lot of paperwork, and, I mean,
"I don't know if you're going to make it, and...
I'm just saying."
Look, the bottom line is Trump wants
to cut immigration in half by any means necessary.
And, again, not just illegal immigration.
Legal, lawful immigration.
Yeah, he wants to kick the brown out of town.
So if you're from El Salvador, you ain't welcome no more.
If you're from Haiti, bye-bye, lady.
If you're from the Philippines...
Look, rhymes are not what we're here for, all right?
The point is Trump wants fewer immigrants
coming into the U.S.
And while facts haven't always been his friend,
there's always one tool
he always knows how to use: fear.
People come in,
and they're not necessarily good.
Like the man that ran over...
the animal that ran over many people
in New York City the other day.
According to chain migration,
he may have as many as 22
to 24 people that came in with him.
-His grandfather, his grandmother, -(booing)
his mother, his father, his brothers, his sisters.
We have to end chain migration.
-We have to end chain migration. -(cheering and applause)
Okay, once again, that's not true.
The New York bike terrorist was here on a green card,
so he couldn't bring his grandmother,
his grandfather, his brothers and sisters.
But Trump is using his fictionalized version
of the story to crack down on all immigration.
And, look, the truth is I see what's happening here.
First, they said no to illegal immigrants,
and now they have a problem with legal immigrants coming in.
I mean, I know they say they're not coming for us
if we're already here legally,
but the way this is going,
we may want to get on Pornhub one last time,
because time may be running out.