I’m watching the 3 little dots working away on my phone.
Typing dot dot dot - gone.
Typing dot dot dot - gone. Dot. oh.
‘I’m on my way.’
Right. Ok. A chat.
For context I sent the first text, which – in all fairness was fairly loaded.
Four words. We need to talk.
I think the fact she didn’t ask why justifies sending it.
So no beating around the bush.
I’ll say
I love you, fuck, so much,
but I don’t think this is working for me.
Simple opener - we know where we’re going.
She’ll say something like – I saw this coming ,
or
I’ve been feeling the same way. Fine. Fine.
Or conversely,
she might say ‘no’.
That’s not the most likely option at all,
and we’re both fairly reasonable, in tune,
but there is a world a universe where she just says ‘no’.
And I’ll say what do you mean ‘no’.
And she’ll say ‘no’, take off her coat and go about the day.
Then I’ll say you can’t avoid talking about this,
and she’ll say
You say all these big things and then nothing happens.
You say this isn’t right or we should do something,
and you do nothing, so. No.
If you want to leave, I won’t stop you, good luck to you
but if you’re still here in the next hour,
I’m ordering pizza and I get wedges with my deal
(which you know I don’t want) so they’ll be on the table.
And I’ll stand there baffled by it, but also wanting
to order a pizza too if that's the way it's going.
I’ll resist, I'll say ‘God, don’t you wanna end the cycle of it?'
Then she’ll pause and say ‘d’you know what, I’m tired'.
And that was even before the fucking ‘we need to talk’ text.
I literally have so little brainspace in my head
I’d need captions just to understand what you’re saying.
I’m worn out.
That's my point, I’d say. Why don’t we question why that is? That's the point!
‘The fuck’ she’d say ‘it’s because I have to go to work
and then come home and deal with your shit’
My shit?
Yes your shit – I get it you’re passionate about the world,
about changing structure but why is it everyday
I have to carry that for you.
Why can’t you just come home and talk about some basic shit like.
Like fucking Love Island or Real Housewives
Yes, sorry but I FUCKING LOVE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF THE O.C.
Its fucking brain mush TV AND I NEED THAT.
I CRAVE IT, FEHINTI. I'm a capitalist.
And I like having nice shit, quite frankly I want more of it.
If you want a girl who doesn’t shave her legs then just go find her.
I’m not judging, I tried it, I just wasn’t comfortable.
But if you want that then do it. Otherwise I’m ordering a pizza
I never asked you to do anything.
Ah, no, you just said everything was wrong.
Recycling is useless, rich people are the cause of climate change.
What the fuck am I meant to do with that?
I wake up, drive to work, order a coffee, don’t order that dress I want
because I’m trying to do my bit
And I know how that sounds now I say it out loud
but I’m genuinely trying to reduce.
then boom, Pakistan sinks, or there is another forest fire.
And its my fault - by doing or not doing my recycling?
That is how you make me feel
What ?
You make me feel guilty.
Right ok.
At this point she'll say, 'What are you doing?'
Processing, my love, I am processing.
Because I want to have an argument with you loudly.
Because I’m hurt.
And I don’t want to speak from hurt.
Or I might say something about how you sound just like your fucking mother.
Sorry, sorry.
Look, I never meant to make you feel guilty.
But that’s kinda the point, right?
Capitalism. Our man made system, our structure functions on
‘get money and fuck whatever else.’
Climate change exists because it makes someone some fucking money.
Yeah I get that: rich people bad
But why is it we can't want nice things? We run on money.
So are you saying wanting that is bad? Because - I mean fuck, maybe it is.
But life is hard, so we’re owed nice stuff.
Like a nice house and a holiday or -
Listen, that system tells you IF you’re worthy and work really hard
you will be awarded the golden bare minimum and
at the SAME time
you are individually responsible for everything
that is wrong with the world.
Instead of that structure and the people upholding that structure
being held reasonable for any of it .
Then they give us little solutions that do very little.
So somewhere in the back out our heads we think
if it was really that bad
the system would do something big - and we carry on.
And then we’re surprised when the next bit
of destruction happens. Your guilt is intentional but not by me.
I’m not surprised Fehinti and I don’t think many people are.
You care in ways more deeply than I understand
and I try and understand, I really do.
You see parks on fire, rivers drying up, and all this fucking dodgy weather,
and you don’t sleep.
You barely eat.
I don’t feel that way. I see it and I think, well fuck.
It;s fucked but we saw it coming right,
We’ve been talking about climate change for years
and no one did anything.
They knew, they’ve known. I learned about climate change in school.
But nothing changed. So I get on, I find a way to live
and yeah I’m scared.
But I don’t feel it like you do. I don’t have the energy
to do what you do.
See then I’d look at her, my love, my friend. and I’d say
Ok.
Why do you feel so powerless?
No, I'm not, I'm just. Please
The same reasons you do.
We lose all the time, we lose rights, laws, elections,
black people keep dying,
pollution isn’t improving, always new oil here and new gas there,
misog-fucking misogyny fucking all the isms.
And I'm sorry, I want to buy ethically but the cheapest shit
is always on Amazon.
And if I can’t make some small change in my life
that does fucking anything,
where is the hope?
I want to break the cycle, Faints.
I just don’t know how.
I actually like The Real Housewives of Orange County.
I do!
I like the little things that make
it easier to do the harder stuff, kill me.
And I’m sorry if I’m intense all the time.
Well I know I can come across like that.
If I'm honest, it just feels like if you don’t look into the void with me and
instead act like it doesn’t exist,
how am I supposed to know I can survive it?
I need to push past that so I can imagine
what a real future might look like.
But I need my people to do it with me.
That’s why I talk about white supremacy and capitalism,
if those things get forgotten,
we just end back in the same old shit –
and I don’t think wanting nice shit makes you an evil Capitalist, we all deserve nice shit.
I just think if we’re gonna talk about it, lets BE about it.
Ok boss man. How do we BE about it?
What?
Your words have moved me.
Right, you work for that big theatre, make them get radical.
Make them look at the money.
Babe, we’re a theatre company, we don't have any money.
We're constantly scrounging, fundraising.
Yep, but where do the funders get their money from?
The arts are tax havens.
The history is in the money.
Get that money out of fossil fuels, the pension investments,
the accounts,
Spend more money on time, less on stuff
Give people time to do the work that has never been done.
Whoa, soldier, that’s a lot.
That’s why you need community.
We don't have a community, we are constantly moving every two years.
What community?
Your friends, your family, your grassroots groups, your union,
your street, your fucking Facebook groups.
It’s there. We can't do this on our own, we'll burn out.
And if we're not ready to push the radical as a collective,
as a group of people who know -
could know - so many -
can we really say thinking about our future?
Listen, I’m not blaming you,
or shaming you,
No, I'm inviting you,
I'm daring you.
Find your group, find your people
Find your target and push.
Ok. She’d say
And then I'd say,
Do you mind ordering me a pizza too?
And she’d say I already ordered it.
*bell rings*