Another reason I don't have kids people
is because I'm not married yet.
I'm trying to do it the quote, unquote, right way.
Yeah, yeah, you don't have to clap because
I don't think it's going to happen.
I don't think it's going to happen, see?
See, women would be ready to get married when they're like 25.
Men, we're ready to get married when we lose a leg or something.
Like, "Damn, look at this right here. (groans)"
"Who going to want me like this, man?!"
"I guess I'm stuck with your ass."
"Let me get down on this one knee I got left."
Fellas, learn to compliment your women.
Tell her nice things even if you don't mean it.
Tell her nice stuff. "Look at you babe, look at you."
"Look at your ass, it's getting big. I like that."
Now, when you compliment a women, they can't
just accept the compliment. They gotta make
the compliment make sense. "You know what,
the elevator was out of work today and I took the stairs."
"So, that's probably why my ass is looking like this right now."
But I hate when women get mad at guys
for not keeping the relationship spicy.
Ya'll can do stuff too, man. It don't gotta be us all the time.
I had this one girl, she was on point with that.
She used to call me at work, talkin' dirty to me.
She called me one day, she said, uh,
"What time ya'll comin' home?"
I said, "Ya'll"?
She said, "Yeah, you and that dick."
I was like, Goddamn...
I said, "We on our way."
I got to the door, she had two oven mitts on. She was like,
"Mmm... give me that hot sausage."
"Mm... you want the hot sausage?"
Ladies, just try to understand men.
I'll tell you one thing about men, ladies.
We cheat. That's what we do. We cheat.
And, uh, when we do cheat, it has nothing do with you.
Stop beating yourself up, talking about
"What's wrong with me, what'd I do?"
There's nothing wrong with you other than the fact
that you don't have more than one vagina.
Everybody made a big deal about Tiger Woods
because he was cheating with 17 women.
Listen, 17 women is better than one women.
Because you can't keep up with 17 women.
You don't care about them.
Ladies, when your man got one women on the side,
that's when your ass is in trouble.
Because that's his other girlfriend.
Whatever you got for Christmas, that bitch
got that (bleep) in white.
The point I'm trying to make is,
"The more women your man cheat on you with,
the more he love you."
Yeah, we're nasty though. You got to
understand that about men. We're nasty.
We are disgusting by nature.
I'll give you a secret, ladies, about men real quick.
If you ever go over to a man's house
and you go in his bathroom, and his body wash is on the sink
instead of in the shower...
He just washed his dick in the sink before you got there.
He didn't take a full shower.
He shoe-shined them nuts up real fast.
He like, "Yeah, that'll do."
Nothing is nasty to a man.
We do anything. Nothing is nasty to us
until we bust a nut. Then after we bust a nut,
then we feel disgusted.
Before, we'll do anything. We got a thing in your (bleep).
"Mm...! Take that...(moaning)"
"(spits) (moaning)"
You got a foot in your mouth. (growls)
(growls)
Soon as you bust a nut, "(spits) what the..."
(whining)
"Oh, no..."
(moaning) You got do-do on your finger.
(sobbing)
Ah...
Oh, no...
What the hell is wrong with me?