(chill theme music)
(game warfare sounds)
- What's this one, a new Halo?
- You literally asked me that exact question last time,
(Mario coin sound effect)
and no, it's Call of Duty.
Much more realistic than...
You know what, yeah. It's Halo.
I really don't care anymore.
(chuckles) - You're kicking ass.
This like a tutorial mission or something?
- No, actually, I think it's one of the last levels.
- Seriously, how are you killing so many people right now?
- With robot spiders that explode in your goddamn face.
(laughs) - That's awesome.
This is way better than those earlier Call of Duties
about the horror and futility of actual war,
and all that learning and crap,
empathizing with those caught in the middle
of global conflict?
Yuck. - Alright.
If you can let go of any kinda grip
on the history of this franchise,
or, you know, history, yeah, I guess it's pretty fun.
It's like war was hell, but now,
thankfully, it's the future.
We have jetpacks and magic grenades,
so war's a freaking cake party.
- Oh snap, watch out for the spider bots.
- Nah, it's fine.
I have super-cyborg reflexes or some (bleep).
See how slow they go?
- So you're like immortal?
- Kinda.
I have all these future gadgets and gun load-outs
at my disposal that pretty much kill anything
automatically and with minimal effort.
Now I'm remotely hacking an enemy robot in the next room.
Oh! And using it to assassinate the boss of the game.
- This is the boss fight?
You're owning that guy.
- Yep.
- Wait. Is that Jon Snow?
- More like Jon Schmo!
- Seriously, is that Kit Harrington?
- More like Split Skullington!
I'm sorry, yes.
Yeah. It's Kit Harrington.
- So your guy is so powerful that he's impervious to war?
Where's the challenge in that?
- There isn't one.
I mean, it's mostly just violent meditation, at this point.
Although in a way, I guess that is a solid commentary
on modern warfare.
Punching buttons, you know?
From the safety of my couch?
Watching my drones do the dirty.
Totally unintended, I'm sure.
- So are you playing the bad guys?
Jon Snow must be good, right?
- No. No, he's the big baddie.
My side's the United Nations Space Alliance
who run the galaxy.
Oh, so I guess that actually makes sense
that we would have the resources to quell any rebellion.
- Your side runs the galaxy?
- Yeah. Well, we're trying.
I mean, what happened was, see,
a small group of rebels started waging war
against our mining colonies.
Now I'm flying my warship planet to planet,
snuffing out the resistance.
- Okay.
So you're the evil Empire from Star Wars?
- What!?
No!
No, no.
These assholes were gonna blow up Geneva.
I had to stop 'em.
- Yeah, but terrorist tactics or not,
your side has all the resources and power
and uses it to fly around,
easily stifling any attempt by the poor
to unionize or rise up.
I mean, this series has gone from you fighting Hitler
to you literally upholding the power structure
of a galaxy-spanning republic.
That apparently treats its miners like (bleep).
- I think you're missing some nuances of the story.
- Are you controlling a Death Star right now?
- It's not a Death Star.
It is a ship that fires high-energy particle beams
that incinerate anything in their path.
- This is mass genocide.
There are families on those ships.
- No, there's not!
You don't bring your kids to space.
I mean, yes, actually, now that I think about it,
you do see a baby crib at a fueling station
in an earlier mission, but that's just creepy atmosphere.
I mean, come on.
There's probably no kids on these ships.
These are fighter jets.
Will you stop looking at me?
I don't need this, okay?
I don't need your silent judgment
from this side of the couch
while I'm over here trying to hold together
the very social fabric that keeps the galaxy from--
Oh!
Oh god!
Damn rebel scum!
Must not be allowed to escape!
Take it away. Take it away from me.
(breathing heavily)
Thank you.
(laughs excitedly)
- Yeah. Do it.
- I didn't say you could play.
- Shut up! - Alright!
(strumming guitar)