- How to stop fighting in a relationship
and how to resolve conflicts in marriage.
- Do you always fight in your relationship?
Stay til the really end,
we're gonna show you three tips
on how to stop fighting in your relationship.
- Now we used to fight a lot
but we don't do that anymore.
I think it's also that we learned how to communicate better.
I think that sometimes friends come to me and say,
hey Dan, how do you and Jenny work so well together?
We fight now maybe once a year?
- For like one hour.
- Yeah, we fight once a year for like--
- And not really fight.
It's just oh, okay let's just calm down
and then yeah, that's it. (laughs)
- And I think the reason we are able to do that,
just because of the work that I do,
working with entrepreneurs
and being a mentor to so many people
that I understand human psychology
and I have a deep understanding
of human communication, right?
And through that I also think we communicate
and I also taught you and transferred those skills to you.
- Yes.
- So we are both very good communicators to each other.
I think for reason number one is,
sometimes people have conflicts in relationship
is the reason they are fighting
is not really the reason they are fighting, right?
By that I mean they are fighting about certain things,
oh, how come you didn't pick up the kids?
How come you didn't do that?
I wanted to go do this and you don't wanna go do that.
Whatever the incident is, is usually a trigger.
It's not really the cause of the fight.
It's usually something deeper.
But you let it accumulate for so long
and then suddenly, you know how sometimes when you fight,
you talk about, remember six months ago?
Remember a year ago?
Remember five years ago?
- Remember when we get married, you didn't propose?
- Yeah, and all this and you did that and you said that,
that hurt me!
Well, like that was five years ago, I didn't remember.
No, but you hurt me so deeply. (laughing)
And you did this to me.
All this stuff.
So whatever the fight is, it's just a trigger, right?
- Yes.
- So if you think about it,
I think the very first tip I have for you,
how to stop fighting in a relationship
or even resolves some conflicts in a marriage
is don't let things accumulate.
If you have something you wanna say, say it.
Sometimes I think for a woman,
something happens that you kind of bottle it up
and you wait and you wait,
and you say, you know what, I'm gonna wait.
And then suddenly when you explode--
- Yup. - Three months later,
the man is like what are you talking about?
Remember that time you got me flowers?
I didn't like roses, right?
I like some other flowers.
Well, why didn't you tell me?
Well, you should have known!
You should have read my mind.
Trust me, ladies, man, we cannot read your mind.
We are not psychic.
We are not that smart.
That's why it's Alpha Man Smart Woman.
You gotta tell us exactly what's,
if you tell us that day, I don't like roses, guess what?
Next time we won't get roses.
You'll get something else, right?
I want yellow roses, fine.
Tell us, we'll get yellow roses, right.
It is that type of thing. - Yeah.
- Don't let it accumulate.
Same thing with men.
If there's something that you want to say,
just say it right there.
But of course, not in a fighting kind of tone.
But you communicate, you know what, honey?
This doesn't work for me.
Or this, I don't like the way you talk to me about this.
It makes me feel this way.
It's that kind of communication, right?
- And also, why you want to address
just instantly on the spot is because,
same thing will happen again.
If you don't address it, it will happen again.
And the first time you think,
okay, well maybe he didn't pay attention.
Second time, how come he's still doing that?
The third time, you start questioning your relationship.
Are you actually truly in love or not?
And you are thinking taking it way far beyond.
It's actually just very tiny problems.
So what we're saying is, let's say,
maybe sometimes Dan is super busy.
We will have dinner appointment
or dinner something, special date,
but then he forgot.
Most of the time like for a woman
will be very very disappointed
and then they will take it so personally.
But then for me, I was like,
hey baby, I know your are busy
but then you know you did know
you forgot about our dinner date right?
And then he goes, oh yeah, I feel so bad baby.
Let me do something else.
It's like the way you're saying it also,
but also tell the other half, tell the man,
because they will not remember trust me, they just don't.
But then teach them how to remember those.
And then also, remind them before this happens,
you know it's such a special day.
Hey baby, we have a dinner tonight, don't be late.
Come back home.
Also remind them one more time
so this kind of thing will never happen, right?
- And sometimes men, again, in this kind of scenario,
men sometimes feel linear, right?
It's just the way we kind of think like one track.
And that's why most men cannot multitask.
We think like this.
So it's not so much.
But woman sometimes, you like to think of stories, right?
You exaggerate.
- You put too much emotion into it.
- Yeah, at first, so let's say I forgot something.
I forgot a dinner.
At first, oh you forgot, you know?
You're not the same as before. - You don't love me.
- And then you don't love me no more.
And then, oh what happened? - You don't respect me.
- You changed, you're not the same guy I'm married to.
And then now you're thinking, are you with somebody else?
Are you cheating behind my back?
Oh my god, you must be sleeping with somebody.
- How do you know?
How do you know that's how we think?
- Oh my god!
Next month, oh he's gonna ask me for a divorce.
- Then you check his cellphone.
- Oh my god, he might have two kids outside of the home.
- There's a lipstick stain here!
- Oh my god, right? - What happened?
- It's all this thing.
Oh maybe is he turning gay?
What is going on?
Like you come up with all this craziest things.
It is not true! (laughing)
We just freaking forgot!
That's it, we forgot!
So remind us.
Do me a favor, just remind us and say hey,
we gonna have dinner.
Okay good.
And then remind and then put in the calendar, right?
- And always comes with consequences.
If you forget...
We're not gonna have sex tomorrow or something like that.
Do a punishment so they will remember.
- It's very simple.
If I forgot something, Jenny's like,
I'm gonna buy something,
you know that right? - Yeah.
- I'm gonna go online.
- I'm gonna use your credit card.
- I'm gonna use your credit card, right?
- That freaks you out!
- That freaks me out
'cause everything she buys is expensive, right?
So when I think about it, I'll remember, trust me.
I don't want any costly mistake.
It's a very costly mistake. - That's right.
- I do remember.
So, well go.
You know you forgot, you know?
You're working, you're making money.
Good, I'm gonna spend some money.
That's what happens, right?
But that's kind of our relationship.
We kind of have fun with it, right?
I remember, I'll share a quick story with you.
The other day, we were supposed to have dinner
with some of my mentees, right?
So we were driving our new Bentley--
- Yes. - All the way to Richmond,
and there was a huge line of traffic at the light, right?
So I was waiting and Jenny was like,
well why don't you just take this side?
Why you wait for the light, it's stupid.
Okay, so I turn right and it was very dark
and was kind of like-- - It was foggy.
It was winter and very dark, yeah.
- So I turn right and I hit two potholes
and instantly it blew my tires.
Like, boom, boom!
You hear my two.
It's like fuck, what happened, right?
- Yeah. - Now, here's the thing.
Most couples, when that happens,
what would they do?
They'd be like, I told you!
Why you told me to go through this side?
- But I want you to cut through the light.
I'm trying to help! - I'm like shit!
- Why you blame on me?
You drove your car now me?
You were driving, not me!
- You should have known, right?
- Yeah, you stupid!
You don't know how to drive.
- And I know how expensive it is to replace those tires.
- Yes, yes.
- Like that is like $10,000.
- They were brand new.
- Like brand new tires.
Like poom ,poom, on the right side.
Both like blew up. - Yeah, instantly.
- But guess what?
Didn't happen, we didn't do that.
We hit that.
The first thing comes to mind,
I didn't blame her, she didn't blame me.
The first thing is, okay, what should we do?
Should we pull over and maybe call the tow company?
Or maybe I know that we're already
pretty close to the city,
can we at least drive another five minutes
to go to a repair shop?
So we look at each other and say, you know what?
We hear the tires, but I think it will still be okay.
- Yeah. - I felt okay.
So I said, let's go to the closest repair shop.
And then while I'm asking her she's like,
okay, let me call as see if they're open.
At that time was like 6:50-ish or so?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Something like that.
So we drove to the repair shop,
we got there, it was closed, it was closed.
Again, we didn't fight, we didn't complain.
Oh, I told you, don't go this repair shop!
You stupid!
I should have done that.
Maybe you should have stayed there.
Okay, now we're stuck.
You're so dumb, we can't park the Bentley here.
It's not a safe neighborhood, all this stuff.
We could argue, we did not a single argument.
- We were thinking maybe we should
park the car in that repair shop.
And then instantly I was like, you wait in the car,
I walk for another give minutes to another repair shop,
make sure they're open,
because when I get there the gate was already closed.
But I was knocking on the gate and luckily,
there was somebody there but said,
although we're closed.
But I was like can we park the car here tonight
because we cannot drive it, right?
And then maybe tomorrow morning we'll come--
- There's like a locked gate, it's safe--
- Yeah. - So we parked the car.
- We'll come early and we can start repairing.
And then that's how we solved it.
- And then I call Desmond, my right hand guy,
my executive director.
He come and pick us up, we still go to dinner,
still have a good time and a good meeting.
So there was no argument, there was nothing.
And then next morning, right,
we go and we talk to the repair shop,
they order the tires.
Couples days it was fixed.
So I wrote a big check, like a few thousand dollars.
We fixed that, but there was no argument.
And so tip number two, if you're fighting all the time is,
don't focus on emotions, focus on the solution as a couple.
'Cause it's easy to have these high and lows
and all these emotions,
'cause there are plenty of opportunities for us
to fight in that incident.
When it happens during and also after.
I coulda blamed on her and say,
hey, because of you pointing me directions,
that just cost me thousands of dollars.
- What, is that what you were thinking?
- And I was saying, right?
Thousands of dollars.
Or she could have blamed on me,
well, if you were a better driver,
it wouldn't have happened, right?
You're a lousy driver!
And then as a man, what do you mean I'm a lousy driver?
That hurts my self-esteem. - And on and on and on.
- And then I started raising my voice.
Why are you raising your voice?
You don't love me no more, right?
- Exactly. - And all this stuff.
No!
Focus on the solutions as a couple.
So that's how we communicate.
Something happens, we don't fight, we don't argue.
Okay, let's focus on solving this problem.
It's inconvenient, we didn't like it, but it happened.
We just solved the problem.
So that's the second big tip.
Don't focus on emotions,
focus on solution as a couple.
But here's the thing, after we solved it as a couple,
we learned a lesson.
Next time, we won't go through that way no more, right?
Next time, we drive a little bit more careful.
- Exactly.
- Every time, actually, we joke about it.
Now every time we pass by the section, it's like,
there's a damn hole, right?
- That's a $10 K ditch hole.
- $10 K ditch hole. - It cost us.
- And we tell our friends about
hey, make sure, there's a ditch hole, every time.
I tell my friends, hey make sure, seriously, right?
But seriously we learned our lesson, right?
That's tip number two.
What's tip number three?
- Tip number three would be,
don't try to talk to each other,
try to write things down.
- And here's what I mean.
This is for you if you're a couple
that you're fighting constantly.
You're always fighting and you don't know why.
It's very easy for you to trigger
your partner or your spouse.
You don't even know why.
You love them, they love you,
but somehow they do tiny little things
and you just get pissed off for no reason.
You don't know why. - Yeah, yeah.
- They say something, it triggers you, right?
When that happens a lot,
knowing it could be your personality type.
Like in this video, we don't have the time to go into that.
But in a future video I might go into
the different personality types
and how you communicate with them.
But for now, understand that the personality type
that you have, maybe both of you have,
tend to be like that.
So when you know it's easy when you talk,
'cause you don't filter it out,
and knowing that sometimes your partner and you,
they're are certain things that you shouldn't say.
And you gotta communicate that.
- Each other's hot buttons.
- Yeah, hot buttons. - Never touch, yeah.
- You can talk about, but you would never.
You talk about an issue but maybe,
your partner would have certain things
that if you say to her,
it would hurt her like very deeply.
As a man, visa versa. - Yeah.
- You just communicate that.
Maybe put it on a piece of paper.
Baby, we can argue however we want,
we just don't go there.
Like example, we're not gonna talk about divorce.
Like some couples are, you know what?
You don't like it, you can divorce me!
- Yeah, yeah. - They like to use it.
Or like a boyfriend, girlfriend.
You know what, let's breakup.
They breakup every single week, right?
That is not a good thing.
Or you attack certain things where,
you attack their family. - Parents, yeah.
- You're just like your mom!
That kind of thing. - Exactly.
- Suddenly, it triggers it, no!
Knowing you don't go there.
You just don't go there.
That's the bomb, that's the explosion.
You just don't go there.
It's a landmine.
You don't go there.
And when you communicate that, it's good.
But when you take the time, if you argue a lot,
take the time and say hey,
don't talk, it's okay.
It's like a cool down period,
and you write. - Yeah.
The thing about is, you know right now,
people have so many stimulations, cellphones, TVs.
They're on their cellphone constantly.
They don't really talk to their spouse or partners,
look through their eyes.
You know, like a truly honest communicate,
people don't do that anymore.
Because of that, you sometimes say things
without going through your brain.
So you say things very hurtfully without knowing it.
Damn, it was too late, you already said that.
So the thing about this is,
try to give yourself a period of time,
let's say 24 hours.
Try not to talk to each other
because when you're constantly fighting,
the talking becomes a weapon, become a knife.
- It is. - It will hurt each other.
- It is a verbal weapon.
- Yeah, it is.
So try to do that.
And then whatever you want to say,
try to write down on a whiteboard or a piece of paper
because when you are writing down,
your brain is going through the words
and then you will filter them out.
Some of the things you know,
you shouldn't be able to say that.
Imagine this is your husband or this is your wife,
you wouldn't even say those kind of things to
- [Both] A stranger.
- But you will say that to your husband or wife.
- Yes, yes, you shouldn't do that, right?
- Which they're the one, the closest and love you the most.
- Exactly. - Makes no sense.
- So give yourself a little bit time.
Try to filter those words
and try to communicate effectively
but not hurting each other.
- And I think also, is knowing know your partner's,
I call that kind of the instant cure.
You know, like I know her.
If anything, we argue, and she told me this.
If we are fighting, we're arguing,
just a few many years ago, right?
She said if we're fighting,
just come and hug me and don't say anything.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - You'll be fine.
Doesn't matter what we're saying,
just come hug me, we'll be fine.
- That's right.
- So I learned the technique.
If there's fighting, it's like, let's hug.
And then that's it, that's it, right?
Same thing with me, right?
If there's something, I think like for you,
if you just say it in a soft kind of way.
- Yeah, I was like baby,
do you want to drink some honey green tea?
- Yeah, that was it.
It doesn't matter, fight, oh okay.
- Yup, yup.
- See how simple man is.
Some food, some drink.
Hey honey, you want to drink a beer?
Oh sure. (laughing)
That's it. - That's it.
- Problem solved. - That's it.
- When you're fighting just say oh,
you want to drink some beer?
Yeah, sure.
Problem solved, I'm serious, right?
It's like a pattern to rub, right?
You just interpret the pattern.
Then just drink some beer.
It's stupid to think about that, right?
Why are we fighting over this, right?
- And it's funny, we'll try to portray people,
how people fight.
It sounds so stupid to me.
I hope you feel the same way
because when you are fighting,
you didn't realize how stupid that was.
But when you see we were trying to do that,
you know, that was really wasting our time.
- And keep in mind, what Jenny was talking about,
I think now we're so plugged into technology
that you can see couples, very common, right?
Where like before they'll go to bed,
husband is on the phone, playing with the cellphone.
The wife is on the iPad doing that.
There's not enough intimacy and communication.
I'm not just talking about physical intimacy.
I'm talking about connection.
Because when was last time you actually looked
very deeply into your partners eyes and say nothing,
and you just connect?
Not four, five seconds, not for 10 seconds,
but for five minutes?
Just like this, you just connect.
- Imagine when you were just fall in love.
- Just connect.
You are speaking through your soul, connecting with them.
When was the last time you did something
like that as a couple?
If you haven't done in a while,
I would say go do that.
You'll see that's a very powerful, powerful exercise.
And I mean connecting with no distractions,
nothing thinking about other things,
not looking away, you just connect.
And sometimes you'll notice
it takes a while to make that connections
because you haven't done it in a long time, let's face it.
- And it's tough. - It's tough.
It's very tough, with no distraction,
and you're trying to communicate
the love, the emotion-- - Yes.
- The I love you, I care about you,
without saying a single word. - Yup.
- Not text, not smiley face, not emoji, this.
We don't do enough of this deep, deep, communication
and that's the problem.
But when you do that, something magic happens,
especially for ladies. - Yes.
- That melts her heart.
That is like wow, I've chosen the right man, right?
And that's what we're talking about.
So those are some of the tips
on how you can stop fighting in a relationship.
And if we solve some of these conflicts
in your marriage or maybe in your relationship,
comment below.
Let us know how these techniques and strategies
work for you, right?
If you have any other questions,
also let us know.
We love doing this show
and we've been getting a lot of comments from you.
- Thank you for your support.
- Thank you for your support
and we never thought about,
'cause I teach business, I teach entrepreneurship,
but this is a different aspect of our life
that maybe will add value
to your life and your relationship
because it doesn't matter how successful you are,
it doesn't matter how powerful you are,
or how much money you make,
your relationship not working?
Your life not working.
And if your life not working,
relationship not working, guess what?
Your business will not work, that's 100%.
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Alpha Man Smart Woman, check them out on here as well.
Until then, always remember,
behind every successful man there is a,
- [Both] Smarter woman.