- Mother lives at the Shady Pines retirement home.
- Oh, the Shady Pines.
I know the Shady Pines, it's a lovely place.
- It's a prison.
(audience laughing)
They lock us in our rooms and force us to look like
we're having fun.
(audience laughing)
Then they take pictures for their brochure.
(Golden Girls theme music)
- This is Sophia.
- Well, you must be Blanche's sister.
- You must be blind.
(audience laughing)
- Sophia's home just burned down.
- Well, that's terrible.
- Not to me.
It was a retirement home.
And you know what they did?
They set off the fire alarm in a retirement home.
Who can rush?
Half the people have walkers.
The other half can't get out of their chairs,
but they got bells going off like crazy.
You know what that does to hearts that only beat
a few times a week?
(audience laughing)
It's not pretty.
(audience laughing)
Boy, something smells good in here.
What's for lunch?
It's cat food, Sophia.
- Is that seafood medley?
(audience laughing)
- Yes, it is.
- They used to feed that to us every Sunday at the home.
- Ma, they did not make you eat cat food at Shady Pines.
- I didn't say they made us eat it.
You have the option to go hungry.
(audience laughing)
Boy, we had some great times at the home, didn't we Ida?
- We sure did.
(giggling)
- Dorothy, Ida was the best bar none
at faking an angina attack at dinner
so we could swap on non-fat yogurt for real sour cream.
(audience laughing)
There wasn't a patient that Shady Pines that didn't bless
Ida Perkins every time we sat down to eat a baked potato.
(audience laughing)
- My daughter's checking me into a lovely retirement home
called Shady Pines.
(audience laughing)
- That's great.
Come on out to the lanai.
I'll give you the low down on Shady Pines.
You know, who does what for cigarettes.
(audience laughing)
- All right, all you gals are gonna get locked up
in a closet, and us boys are going for a little walk.
- Wow, were you ever activities director
of a place called Shady Pines?
(audience laughing)
- You've known Sophia before?
- Yes, she was one of the residents a few years ago
at a place I work called Shady Pines.
(audience groaning)
But to tell you the truth,
I don't think that she'll remember me.
- Oh Ma, I'm sure you--
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
Ma, what are you doing?
- I'm rolling for my life.
(audience laughing)
You hired the angel of death from Shady Pines.
- Ma, don't be ridiculous.
She is not the angel of death.
She is a private nurse with excellent references.
And for the last time,
Shady Pines is a very reputable rest home.
- I'm telling you Dorothy, they used to pre-sell
our bodies to medical schools.
(audience laughing)
That was the big joke.
How would you like to go to college?
(audience laughing)
- Now, where's my patient?
- Don't you mean victim?
- Ma.
(audience laughing)
Why don't you join us for lunch?
- Join you for lunch?
Let me check my social calendar.
(audience laughing)
(doorbell ringing)
Oh, okay, I'm free.
- Ma, that calendar's from 1984.
- Oh yeah.
This is the thing I escaped from Shady Pines.
It says right here, I'm free, I'm free.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Petrillo, where were you on the night of
September 4th, 1985?
- Did you see Awakenings?
Throw a ball at me.
(audience laughing)
How the hell should I know?
I don't even remember what color underwear I'm wearing.
(audience laughing)
- Ma, the beginning of September.
That's when Shady Pines burned down
and you came here to live with us.
- Oh yeah.
I'm not wearing underpants.
(audience laughing)
- Mrs. Petrillo.
Were you acquainted with the late Maria Hartgrove?
- She died?
Good riddance.
God rest her soul.
(audience laughing)
- We have a deathbed confession from her stating that
the two of you started the Shady Pines fire.
- That's ridiculous.
What did you do?
(audience laughing)
- She claimed that on the night of the fire,
the two of you were in your room cooking s'mores.
- Nonsense, I don't even know what s'mores are.
- You remember, Sophia.
They're those little toasted Graham cracker
and chocolate sandwiches
- With marshmallow.
Don't forget the marshmallow.
(audience laughing)
Whoops.
(audience laughing)
- In her deposition, Mrs. Hartgrove said
that you were in possession of an illegal hot plate.
And while the two of you were cooking,
the curtains caught on fire.
Then you panicked and fled and the fire continued unchecked.
- Now wait just a minute.
This is crazy.
Do you have any proof?
Did anybody find that alleged hot plate?
- Presumably it was lost in the fire.
- Maria was just out to get me.
She was always jealous because I still had my own hair.
- Ma, I haven't seen you all morning.
Where have you been?
- I went to see my friend, Lillian.
- Lillian at Shady Pines?
- Oh, you remember Shady Pines.
That retirement home
you stuck me in that resembles Sing Sing.
(audience laughing)
My mistake, Sing Sing has a movie night.
- Let's go to bed.
(yawning)
- Okay.
(chuckling)
(screaming)
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
- Ma, that is not funny.
- Are you kidding?
It's a riot.
(audience laughing)
- I pulled once at old man Peterson,
after we saw Psycho at the home.
They had said he would never walk again.
(audience laughing)
He walked.
(audience laughing)
Well goodnight.
Sweet dreams.
(cackling)
- Where's Blanche?
- She said to save her a seat.
She saw a man smiling at her out in the hall.
(audience laughing)
- Everybody's smiling here.
I haven't seen so many goofy smiles since the
great denture swap at Shady Pines.
(audience laughing)
- Ma, why can't we wear something simple in basic black?
- It's a bad idea, Dorothy.
You wear black at Shady Pines,
they'll stop the show for a head count.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Blanche, you remember a few days ago
when I said your car was making a funny
kind of a noise sometimes?
- Uh huh.
- Well, it's making it all the time now.
- Uh oh, that's a bad sign.
Those are the sounds Tony Triano made the night
they wheeled him out of the home on a gurney.
(audience laughing)
- All right, now Rose, go on.
I don't want dead people in my house.
(audience laughing)
- People, we are talking about one man
who was probably sleeping.
- You don't think I can recognize death?
I lived in a retirement home.
Death visited more often than children.
(audience laughing)
- You can't give a good birthday party without a cake.
- Yeah, I seem to recall a party with three cakes
that was not so terrific.
- Three cakes?
- Yeah, Rose had planned a surprise birthday party for me.
You were still living at Shady Pines.
- You mean the home.
Say it Dorothy, the home.
(audience laughing)
- Oh, by the way Ma.
When I was at the library they said that your library card
had expired five years ago.
- Really?
Where could I have been?
(audience laughing)
Oh yeah, locked in an old age home.
(audience laughing)
- I had a terrible nightmare.
- Was it the recurring dream where you're a lonely old woman
and your family doesn't want you,
so they put you in a home and never come to see you
or take you out on holidays?
- That wasn't my dream.
- Oh yeah, right.
That was my life.
(audience laughing)
- Ma, please, for the hundredth time,
Shady Pines was a beautiful retirement village.
- Sure, sure.
And Attica's known for its top-notch tennis facilities.
(audience laughing)
I had a nightmare.
- Tell me about it Sophia.
Sometimes I can interpret dreams.
- Blanche sold the house and I wound up back at Shady Pines.
- That's a tough one.
(audience laughing)
- Dorothy, please don't send me back.
- Ma I'm not sending you back to Shady Pines.
- Oh my God.
She found a cheaper home.
- My we're going away for the weekend.
Just the two of us.
So pack your bags.
We're off to a cabin in the Keys.
- Wait a minute, Dorothy,
you pulled this one on me once before.
Remember Shady Pines retirement village?
(audience laughing)
She told me we were going to a resort.
We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel.
(audience laughing)
And two goons in white coats dragged me inside.
And for the next year and a half,
I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.
- Ma, you know that's not how it was.
- You're right.
Sometimes they forced me to make moccasins.
(audience laughing)
No, thanks.
- Ma, look at this place.
It's lovely.
- Don't get any ideas, pussycat.
(audience laughing)
- I'm not getting any ideas, Ma.
- You're scheming.
Remember Shady Pines, Dorothy?
Honest Ma, this is the way to the new Dairy Queen.
(audience laughing)
- Honey, a trip to the hospital is the best thing for you.
- You think I'm stupid?
This scam has Shady Pines written all over it.
(audience laughing)
- Ma, that's ridiculous.
Why would I take you to Shady Pines when you have a hernia?
- You took me there after I had a stroke.
(audience laughing)
- Listen Ma, I made an appointment for you
for two o'clock this afternoon.
Either you go and get your hearing checked
or I will make life miserable for you.
- Oh, come on.
You said the exact same things to me
before you took me to Shady..
I'll go pretty up.
(audience laughing)
- Hello.
(audience laughing)
I'm a Baptist.
(audience laughing)
Excuse me.
(audience applauding)
- Sister, is it all right if I sit in?
I don't think my mother would mind.
- Think again.
(audience laughing)
- I'd go outside, but there don't seem to be
any Shady Pines to sit under.
(audience laughing)
- Pillow pussycat?
(audience laughing)
So as is tradition,
I am ready to accept your various gifts and offerings.
You may begin Dorothy.
(audience laughing)
- I appreciate your sense of ritual Ma,
but just so you know,
I still have Shady Pines on the speed dial.
(audience laughing)
- Moving on.
- Listen, you vindictive little sea monkey.
(audience laughing)
You are going to tell Rose the truth.
- Or?
- Remember Shady Pines?
(audience laughing)
- Yeah, it wasn't so bad.
- I hear they sold it to some Germans.
- Rose?
(audience laughing)
Rose, sweetheart, Rose.
(audience laughing)
- Now listen up you withered old Sicilian monkey.
(audience laughing)
- I don't have to take this.
Keep it up and I'll take you to Shady Pines.
- That's where I take you.
- Ouch.
Guess I backed into that one.
(audience laughing)
- What are you so happy about?
- If I know my Dorothy,
there's only one thing that makes her this happy.
- You're going back to Shady Pines?
(audience laughing)
- No, you moron.
She has a date.
- Oh gosh, I haven't frolicked since, well since,
since the day I dropped my mother off at Shady Pines.
(audience laughing)
Coincidentally, that was the last time I did a cartwheel.
(audience laughing)
Was a good day.
(audience laughing)
- In your own words Mrs. Petrillo,
the words of a beautiful dignified person
who's got a wild bod for a chick here age.
(audience laughing)
What kind of person is your daughter?
- She put me in a home.
(audience laughing)
- Isn't it a fact that you have a drawer full
of retirement home brochures
and you're just waiting for the first sign of dribble
on your mother's chin to lock her away forever?
(audience laughing)
(laughing)
- She's kidding.
(audience laughing)
- Your sock drawer Dorothy.
You know.
(audience laughing)
The one you know who can't reach?
(audience laughing)
- I knew you were keeping pictures there, but I had no idea.
You disgust me.
(audience laughing)
- Look, I don't have to stand for this.
- Nail her Rose, nail her.
Remember a good reporter always gets her story
no matter what.
(audience laughing)
- That sock drawer is my business.
Look, those times that Ma makes me crazy,
I go into my room and have some pretend time, okay?
(audience laughing)
- This is Rose Nylund signing off in a sad, sad situation.
(audience laughing)
- Oh Ma, I don't know if he'll ever forgive me.
- Dorothy, the day you left me at Shady Pines,
do you remember what I told you?
- Of course you told me you would never forgive me.
- But look at us now.
Everything's fine.
- But are you saying that no matter how bad
things are between Michael and me, they'll change?
- No, I'm saying that when Michael is 83
and his retirement home burns down, you're,
oh, that's right.
You'll be dead.
(audience laughing)
See ya pussycat.