♪ ♪ >> Stephen: RIGHT THERE, GIVE
IT UP FOR THE BAND, EVERYBODY. NICE TO SEE YOU.
KIDS. ACCORDING TO
STATISTICIANS, AT SOME POINT, MOST OF US WERE ONE OF THEM.
AND NOW THAT WE'RE BIGGER AND SMARTER, IT'S OUR JOB
TO TEACH CHILDREN THINGS. THAT'S WHY I DO A SEGMENT
ON MY SHOW WHERE I ANSWER ACTUAL QUESTIONS FROM ACTUAL KIDS
TO GIVE THEIR ACTUAL PARENTS JUST AN ACTUAL BREAK.
UNFORTUNATELY, WE'VE HAD A HARD TIME COMING UP WITH A GOOD NAME
FOR THE SEGMENT. WE STARTED OUT CALLING IT
"STEPHEN TAKES YOUR KIDS," AND THEN SWITCHED TO
"STEPHEN'S RE-EDUCATION CAMP." BUT BOTH OF THOSE DIDN'T
FEEL RIGHT. SO THIS TIME I TOLD MY TEAM
I WANTED TO TAKE THE HIGH ROAD AND JUST TALK TO SOME LITTLE
KIDS. SO, I'M HAPPY TO SAY,
IT'S NOW TIME FOR "STEPHEN COLBERT TALKS DOWN
TO CHILDREN." HI, KIDS.
I'M STEPHEN I CAN ANSWER ANY QUESTION.
HOW DID I GET SO SMART? IT'S SIMPLE.
IN THE '90s I DRANK A LOT OF SNAPPLE AND MEMORIZE THE FACTS
INSIDE THE CAPS. WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR ME?
>> HOW DO I BECOME GROWN-UP? >> Stephen: THAT'S EASY.
JUST GO TO A CARNIVAL, FIND A MACHINE CALLED RESULT ARE, MAKE
A WISH TO BE BIG AND THEN HAVE A PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH
AN ADULT WOMAN THAT LOOKING BACK ON IT DECADES LATER ACTUALLY
SEEMS KIND OF DISTURBING. NEXT QUESTION.
>> HI, STEPHEN. WHY DOES AUNT WANT TO LIVE IN AN
ANT HILL?
>> Stephen: GREAT QUESTION, IT'S BECAUSE AN ANT IS RIGHT
THERE IN THE NAME AND TAIL. IT'S THE SAME REASON DOGS LIKE
TO LIVE IN DOG HOUSES. BATS LIVE IN BACK CAVES AND
PLATYPUS IS LIVE IN PLATYPALAZZOS.
>> HOW DO YOU STOP SOMEONE LIKE KIM JONG UN?
HERE ARE THE BEST WAY TO STOP THE DICTATORS WITH A STUFFED
MOOSE WEARING SOCKS. THE DICTATOR WILL SAY IT AND SAY
IS THAT A MOOSE? THE THING ABOUT A MOOSE, WAS THE
PLURAL? MOOSE, MEESES?
I NEED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT THIS MOOSE.
WELL HE'S DISTRACTED, YOU AND YOUR BUDDY STAB HIM TO DEATH IN
THE ROMAN FORUM. >> HOW DID YOU LEARN ABOUT
QUANTUM PHYSICS? >> I LEARNED ABOUT QUANTUM
PHYSICS THE OLD-FHIONED WAY BY GETTING INTO MY ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL TEACHERS MAGIC SCHOOL BUS OF BEING SHRUNKEN DOWN TO THE
SIZE OF A CORK. OH, SHE ALSO TAUGHT ME ABOUT
SPACE BY SENDING US TO MARS IN ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY BY
INJECTING US INTO A CLASSMATE'S BLOODSTREAM.
SHE WAS EVENTUALLY ARRESTED AND IS AWAITING EXECUTION.
WHO'S NEXT? >> STEPHEN, WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE
AUSTRALIAN ANIMAL? >> Stephen: THAT'S A TOUGH
ONE. BUT I HAVE TO SAY MY FAVORITE
AUSTRALIAN ANIMAL IS THE WOLVERINE.
ALTHOUGH I'M ALSO A BIG FAN OF THE GREAT TUFTED CROW AND
OF COURSE THE SHORT TAILED HEMSWORTH.
NEXT QUESTION. >> HEY, STEPHEN, WHAT'S YOUR
FAVORITE MUFFIN? >> Stephen: MY FAVORITE
MUFFIN, WOW. THAT'S TOUGH.
I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO SAY PAUL OR JOHN BUT MY HEART, IT'S
GEORGE. WHO'S GOT ANOTHER QUESTION FOR
ME? >> HEY, STEPHEN.
WHY DO YOU LOSE HAIR WHEN YOU GROW OLDER?
>> Stephen: GOOD QUESTION, ETHAN.
WELL, IT TURNS OUT THAT HARRIS JUST LIKE CHILDREN.
WHEN IT GETS OLD ENOUGH, IT WANTS TO LEAVE HOME AND EXPLORE
THE WORLD. IN FACT, THAT EMOTIONAL JOURNEY
IS THE BASIS OF THE NEW PIXAR MOVIE.
AND I'M BEING TOLD WE HAVE A CLIP.
>> MOM, DAD, THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE FOR ME
ALL THESE YEARS. BUT IT'S FINALLY TIME FOR ME TO
LEAVE MY FOLLICLE AND GO TO A PLACE WHERE I TRULY BELONG.
>> IT'S HARD TO SEE YOU GO, HAROLD.
>> BUT WE ARE SO PROUD OF YOU FOR FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS.
>> WELL, THIS IS MY GUST OF WIND.
DON'T WANT TO MISS IT. >> WE LOVE YOU, HAROLD.
GOODBYE, SON. >> OH!
OH, MY GOD, THE SHOWER DRAIN. IT'S JUST AS BEAUTIFUL AS I
PICTURED IT. >> Stephen: IS IT POSSIBLE TO
BE SO HAPPY THAT YOU CRY? NEXT QUESTION.
>> HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE FAMOUS?3
>> Stephen: GREATEST QUESTION I'VE EVER HEARD, XANDER.
THANK YOU. FROM THAT PERSPECTIVE ON WHAT IT
FEELS LIKE TO BE FAMOUS, I'M GOING TO THROW IT TO SOMEONE A
VERY FAMOUS. TAKE IT AWAY, JOHN CENA.
>> WELL, XANDER PRAYED OF GOT TO SAY IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING ON A
GIANT RIDE. YOU ARE SITTING THERE WHILE THE
MACHINE SPINS YOU AROUND AND SOMETIMES YOUR WAY UP HIGH AND
SOMETIMES YOUR DOWNLOAD. YOU JUST KEEP ON SPINNING UP AND
DOWN AND UP AND DOWN. SO MANY LIGHTS.
WAIT, DID YOU ASK ME WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE FAMOUS OR ON A
FERRIS WHEEL? EITHER WAY YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL
LIKE YOU'RE THROWING UP. >> Stephen: THANK YOU.
I THINK WE HAVE TIME FOR ONE LAST QUESTION.
>> STEPHEN, WHY DO PEOPLE GO CRAZY SOMETIMES?
>> Stephen: SIMPLE, JOSEPH. PEOPLE GO CRAZY SOMETIMES
BECAUSE WE ARE TOO TIRED TO GO CRAZY ALL THE TIME.
WELL, KIDS, I HOPE THAT ANSWERS ALL YOUR QUESTIONS.
PARENTS, YOUR KIDS HAVE QUESTIONS AT HOME, POST QUESTION
ON SOCIAL MEDIA. WE JUST MIGHT FEATURE IT IN OUR
NEXT INSTALLMENT OF... >> STEPHEN COLBERT TALKS TO
CHILDREN. THANKS, KIDS!
WHEN WE COME BACK, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER TAKES
THE COLBERT QUESTIONERT.