WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
I JUST WANT TO -- ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL THANK YOU!
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE MY FAVORITE KIND OF PEOPLE, FULLY VACCINATED AND
CHANTING MY NAME.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WE'VE BEEN OFF FOR TWO WEEKS AND
I COMPLETELY UNPLUGGED FROM THE NEWS.
PLUGGED IN AGAIN LAST NIGHT, AND NOW I NEED A VACATION.
( LAUGHTER ) THE NEWS IS A LITTLE ROUGH.
THERE'S A FOURTH WAVE OF CORONAVIRUS, WE JUST GOT A
GLOBAL WARMING RED ALERT FOR HUMANITY, THERE ARE WILDFIRES
CONSUMING NORTHERN CALIFORNIA AND GREECE, SO NATURALLY THERE'S
ONE QUESTION ON EVERYONE'S MIND: DID I GO TO BARACK OBAMA'S
BIRTHDAY PARTY?
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERING )
( APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: I SAW.
>> Stephen: I KNOW.
SEE, THIS WEEKEND OBAMA TURNED 60.
IN JUST 18 YEARS, HE'LL BE OLD ENOUGH TO BE PRESIDENT.
( LAUGHTER ) HE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE BY
THROWING A HUGE BLOWOUT ON MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
EVERYBODY WHO IS ANYBODY WAS GOING TO BE THERE, INCLUDING
YOURS TRULY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: HERE'S THE THING -- A HOT TICKET IS WHAT IT
WAS.
BUT GIVEN THE WHOLE PANDEMIC THING AND THE DELTA VARIANT, A
CELEBRITY MOSH PIT WAS MAYBE NOT THE WISEST CHOICE, SO OBAMA
SCALED BACK THE GUEST LIST FOR HIS PARTY.
HE WAS FORCED TO LIMIT THE INVITES TO ONLY HIS CLOSEST
BEYONCES.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, "THE NEW YORK TIMES" SAYS
THAT A LOT OF PEOPLE MISSED OUT.
FOR INSTANCE, THEY CLAIM THAT LATE-NIGHT TALK SHOW HOSTS DAVID
LETTERMAN AND CONAN O'BRIEN WERE CUT FROM THE GUEST LIST.
BUT YOU KNOW WHO THEY SAY WASN'T?
COMEDIAN STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Jon: HEY!
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I MEAN -- IT MAKES SENSE, I AM KNOWN TO
FILL IN WHEN LETTERMAN DROPS OUT OF SOMETHING.
( LAUGHTER ) AND I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING:
SO, STEVE, WHAT WAS THE PARTY LIKE?
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW.
( LAUGHTER ) I DIDN'T GO.
IN THE MASSIVE SCALING BACK, I GOT SCALED.
( LAUGHTER ) AS SOON AS WE HEARD, EVIE SAID,
"THAT MAKES SENSE, COMEDIANS SHOULD BE THE FIRST PEOPLE
CUT."
AND I DON'T THINK SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT JUST PARTIES.
I THINK SHE MEANT THINGS LIKE LIFEBOATS AND STUFF LIKE THAT,
TOO.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, THE NEWS THAT I DIDN'T GO
MIGHT BE NEWS TO SOME PEOPLE IN THE NEWS.
THE "BOSTON HERALD" REPORTED THAT THE GUESTS INCLUDED
LATE-NIGHT HOST STEPHEN COLBERT AND HIS WIFE, EVELYN, WHO ALSO
OWN PROPERTY THERE.
WHICH, OF COURSE, LEADS TO THE QUESTION:
SO, STEVE, WHAT'S YOUR HOUSE LIKE ON MARTHA'S VINEYARD?
( APPLAUSE ) I HAVE NO IDEA.
"BOSTON HERALD," COULD YOU PLEASE SEND ME THE ADDRESS AND
THE KEYS AND MAYBE THE ALARM CODE?
I'D LOVE TO STAY THERE SOMEDAY.
I DON'T OWN A HOUSE ON MARTHA'S VINEYARD.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HERE'S "DAILY MAIL, TOO.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED: WE WERE INVITED.
HONORED TO BE.
TOTALLY GOING.
EVIE GOT A NICE DRESS.
I GOT A NICE JACKET, REALLY NICE PANTS, EXPENSIVE ENOUGH TO
GIVE YOU AN ITALIAN ASS.
WE BOOKED A FLIGHT, GOT A HOTEL.
AND THEN, FIVE DAYS BEFORE THE PARTY, I GOT A VOICEMAIL SAYING
THEY WERE SCALING BACK.
MESSAGE RECEIVED.
ONCE WE CALLED THEM BACK AND SAID "SO, ARE WE CUT, OR WAS
THIS JUST AN F.Y.I.?" THEY SAID, NO --
( PIANO RIFF ) ( LAUGHTER )
-- BUT WE HAD THE FLIGHT, WE HAD THE HOTEL, SO EVIE WONDERED IF
WE COULD STILL GO TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD, AND SINCE IT WAS ALL
NONREFUNDABLE, I SAID, "YES, WE CAN."
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND I GUESS THAT'S WHY THE PRESS THOUGHT I WAS STILL INVITED,
BECAUSE "DAILY MAIL" SPOTTED ME IN THE AIRPORT, IN ALL OF MY
CELEBRITY GLAMOUR.
WORK!
YOU BETTER WORK WORK WORK!
FANTASTIC!
AND I UNDERSTAND WHY THEY PRINTED THOSE BECAUSE LOOK AT
THOSE LEGS.
COME ON, BABY!
WE KNOW THAT SEX SELLS!
ANYWAY, WE DIDN'T GO TO THE PARTY, BUT STILL HAD FUN.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL ISLAND.
IT JUST GOES TO SHOW, KIDS, THAT IF YOU WORK HARD, PUT IN YOUR
TIME, AND GET THE NUMBER ONE SHOW IN LATE NIGHT TELEVISION,
YOU TOO CAN GET DISINVITED FROM THE COOL KIDS' PARTY.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BY THE WAY --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TRUE STORY.
TRUE.
BY THE WAY, MR. FORMER PRESIDENT, MY OWN 60TH BIRTHDAY
IS COMING UP IN THREE YEARS, AND YOU, SIR, ARE NOT... GOING TO
WANT TO MISS IT.
PLEASE COME.
I'D BE SO HONORED YOU CAME.
I'D SCALE ME BACK JUST TO MAKE ROOM FOR YOU.
AND MY SHELL, OBVIOUSLY.
IT'S NOT JUST OBAMA'S BIRTHDAY PARTY.
THE DELTA VARIANT IS RUINING A LOT OF PLANS.
I'LL TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT IN MY NEWEST VIRAL SEGMENT, "THE DELTA
BLUES."
♪ DOWN AT THE CROSSROADS BETTER GET MY SHOT ♪
♪ YEAH, WE'RE DOWN AT THE CROSSROADS, BETTER WATCH YOUR IS
NOT ♪ ♪ ASKED THE LORD ABOVE FOR MERCY
'CAUSE COVID SUCKS A LOT ♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: NICELY DONE.
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL.
SOLD HIS SOUL TO THE DEVIL FOR THAT SONG.
( LAUGHTER ) EARLIER THIS SUMMER, IT LOOKED
LIKE THE PANDEMIC MIGHT BE ENDING.
IN JUNE, THE U.S. WAS AVERAGING ABOUT 11,000 CASES A DAY, BUT
THANKS TO THE DELTA VARIANT, WE'RE RIGHT BACK IN "MUDDY
WATERS," BECAUSE NOW THE NUMBER IS OVER 100,000.
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
OKAY.
IT WAS 1 1 -- IT WAS 11,000 THE BEGINNING OF MAY.
IT WAS 107,000 TWO MONTHS AGO.
IT'S GOT A REPRODUCTION RATE OF R-8, CARRY THE 1, THAT EQUALS --
( LAUGHTER ) OMIGOD, SOMEONE ELSE TOUCHED
THIS MACHINE!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
THERE YOU GO.
OH, I'VE MISSED YOU VODKA HANDS.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
THIS FOURTH WAVE IS BEING CAUSED BY THE DELTA VARIANT, WHICH HAS
A SHORTER INCUBATION PERIOD AND SPREADS MUCH FASTER THAN COVID
CLASSIC, AS ONE EPIDEMIOLOGIST EXPLAINED:
>> THIS IS MAYBE THE MOST CONTAGIOUS VIRUS THAT WE'VE EVER
SEEN IN LIVING EMORY.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IT'S GOING THROUGH AMERICA FASTER THAN MONO
THROUGH A HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA CLUB.
L( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, HE'S JUST ONE GUY.
WHAT DOES HE KNOW?
HIS NAME IS ONLY DOCTOR LARRY BRILLIANT.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
I WANT A SECOND OPINION THAT SAYS EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE
OKAY.
SOMEBODY CALL DOCTOR BOBBY DUM-ASS.
AS WITH ALL BAD NEWS, THERE'S BAD, AND THEN THERE'S FLORIDA,
WHICH HAS BROKEN ITS OWN RECORD FOR NEW CORONAVIRUS
CASES.
LOOK HOW RED AND INFLAMED THAT THING IS.
SOMEONE BETTER WRUB SOME OINTMENT ON THE PANHANDLE!
ONE TV DOCTOR EXPLAINED IT THIS WAY:
>> IT'S SO HIGH IN FLORIDA THAT I THINK THAT IF FLORIDA WERE
ANOTHER COUNTRY, WE WOULD HAVE TO CONSIDER BANNING TRAVEL FROM
FLORIDA TO THE UNITED STATES.
>> Stephen: GOOD LUCK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) YOU CAN CLAP ALL YOU WANT, YOU
WILL NEVER KEEP FLORIDIANS OUT.
YOU COULD BUILD A WALL, BUT THEY'D JUST POUND MOJITOS AND
BANANA BOAT RIGHT OVER IT.
( LAUGHTER ) THERE'S ONE FLORIDA MAN WHO'S
NOT WORRIED: GOVERNOR AND CAVEMAN ASKING --
( BOOING ) >> Stephen: -- HOLD FOR BOOING -
( LAUGHTER ) -- RON DeSANTIS.
DESANTIS ISN'T WORRIED.
HE SAYS THAT THE SPIKE IS SEASONAL, AS FLORIDIANS SPEND
MORE TIME TOGETHER INDOORS TO ESCAPE THE SUMMER HEAT.
IT'S JUST LIKE WHEN THE GOVERNOR OF POMPEII ANNOUNCED, "HEY GUYS!
IGNORE THE RAIN OF ASH!
IT'S JUST VOLCANO SEASON!
OKAY, LET'S ALL MAKE A FUN POSE FOR NO REASON!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) TOO SOON?
TOO SOON?
IT'S NOT JUST THE PLAGUE THAT KEEPS GETTING WORSE.
IT'S ALSO NEW YORK GOVERNOR AND GUY HEARING --
( BOOING ) >> Stephen: THAT'S CALLED AN
INSTA-POLL WE DID RIGHT THERE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: NEW YORK GOVERNOR
AND GUY HEARING THE NEWS ABOUT ANDREW CUOMO, ANDREW CUOMO.
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE MAY NOT BE GOVERNOR MUCH
LONGER GIVEN THE REPORT THAT JUST DROPPED FROM THE NEW YORK
ATTORNEY GENERAL, WHICH FOUND THAT CUOMO SEXUALLY HARASSED
MULTIPLE CURRENT AND FORMER STAFFERS AS WELL AS WOMEN WHO
DID NOT WORK FOR HIS ADMINISTRATION.
SO, HE ONLY HARASSED TWO KINDS OF WOMEN: THOSE WHO WORKED FOR
HIM AND THOSE WHO DID NOT.
( LAUGHTER ) THE REPORT CONFIRMS ACCUSATIONS
MADE BY 11 WOMEN AGAINST CUOMO, AND INCLUDES DISTURBING DETAILS
LIKE HE ALLEGEDLY, RAN TWO FINGERS ACROSS THE CHESTOF AN
ENERGY COMPANY EMPLOYEE, GRABBED THE REAR OF AN UNNAMED EMPLOYEE
AND ASKED AN AIDE IF SHE HAD PIERCINGS ANYWHERE OTHER THAN
HER EARS.
INTERESTING QUESTION, GOVERNOR.
FOLLOW UP: DO YOU HAVE PIERCINGS ANYWHERE OTHER THAN YOUR
NIPPLES?
( LAUGHTER ) JOKE'S BASED ON A TRUE STORY.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DAY THE REPORT DROPPED, THE
GOVERNOR RESPONDED IN A LENGTHY PRE-RECORDED VIDEO THAT MAYBE
DIDN'T ADDRESS ALL THE ACCUSATIONS.
>> "THE NEW YORK TIMES" PUBLISHED A FRONT-PAGE PICTURE
OF ME TOUCHING A WOMAN'S FACE AT A WEDDING ND KISSING HER ON THE
CHEEK.
THAT IS NOT FRONT-PAGE NEWS.
I HAVE BEEN MAKING THE SAME GESTURE IN PUBLIC ALL OF
MY LIFE.
I ACTUALLY LEARNED IT FROM MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER.
IT IS MEANT TO CONVEY WARMTH.
NOTHING MORE.
INDEED, THERE ARE HUNDREDS IF NOT THOUSANDS OF PHOTOS OF ME
USING THAT SAME GESTURE.
I DO IT WITH EVERYONE-- BLACK AND WHITE, YOUNG AND OLD,
STRAIGHT AND L.G.B.T.Q.
POWERFUL PEOPLE, FRIENDS, STRANGERS, PEOPLE WHO I MEET ON
THE STREET.
>> STEPHEN: (AS CUOMO) "I'M NOT A HARASSER BECAUSE I DO
IT TO EVERYONE.
( LAUGHTER ) NO ONE'S SAFE!
BLACK, WHITE, STRAIGHT, GAY, CONSENTING, NON-CONSENTING
THOSE WHO SEE IT COMING, THOSE WHO ARE SURPRISED, SLEEPING
PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO ARE AWAKE, BUT WHO ARE WISHING THIS WERE
ALL A BAD DREAM!
I LEARNED IT FROM MY FOLKS!
IT'S A FAMILY RECIPE!" ALSO, KISSING PEOPLE ON THE
CHEEK IS NOT WHAT HE'S BEING ACCUSED OF.
THAT'S LIKE JEFFREY DAHMER APOLOGIZING FOR NOT HAVING A
PERMIT TO GRILL.
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, IN LIGHT OF THE REPORT,
MANY DEMOCRATS HAVE CALLED FOR CUOMO TO RESIGN, INCLUDING
PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN.
YOU HEAR THAT?
JOE BIDEN KNOWS YOU DON'T TOUCH WOMEN LIKE THAT.
YOU SMELL THEIR HAIR AND GET BACK TO WORK.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE STEPHEN KING AND "BLACK PANTHER" STAR WINSTON
DUKE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, SHOULD CELEBRITIES WASH THEIR CHILDREN?
THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ♪♪