♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(bell rings)
- [Narrator] Bayside's in the cheerleading finals.
Zack's only thinking about a prank war.
- I intend to go down in history
as prankster prince.
- [Narrator] A royal pain in the ass.
Zack has no prank ideas and belittles Screech and Slater
during what should be a supportive brainstorm.
- Can't let Valley strike first.
- [Narrator] He did, Valley must have heard Zack's booming,
unfocused meeting and beat him to the first punch.
Zack vows retaliation but has no clue how he'll do it.
Zack does not assist his fellow students,
leaving them in the capable hands
of a sword-wielding waiter.
A cheerleader got sick, Bayside might forfeit.
Slater encourages Jessie to join.
She reluctantly signs up for the good of the school.
Zack barges in on practice to brag about his pranks.
They put glue on Valley's track to make them run slower,
which will make them run faster at competition.
They pumped helium into the glee club.
A prank so dastardly, they do it themselves for fun.
Zack's biggest prank, stealing their banner
that's smaller than a beach towel.
Jessie notes the other pranks were just lame.
Theft is a crime.
Zack sees no issue,
until he discovers Valley pranked them back.
Real pranks, none of Zack's amateur hour horse piss.
Belding's disappointed they're continuing
this asinine tradition.
He's calling for a truce tomorrow with Valley's principal
before things get worse.
Zack begs without success to let this nonsense go on.
- No more pranks.
- [Narrator] You really gotta hand it
to these Valley students.
Belding tells Valley's principal Elliot
this war needs to end
as Zack has escalated hijinks to crime.
Elliot agrees.
Instead of keeping the truce, Zack looks like he's going
to goddamn Vietnam, his master plan?
- I don't know yet.
Spent all our time gettin' dressed.
- [Narrator] Just like Vietnam.
Zack has Screech wound so tight,
he's ready to kill someone with a brick.
The gals reduced to Zack's level by propinquity once again
see a way to channel his aimless misconduct
into something productive.
They ask for a spy report on Valley's cheer practice
as long as they're over there not doing shit.
Jessie has a new cheer routine.
It's risky for the mascot, Screech,
so they'll need every available second to practice.
Zack butts in on their dwindling rehearsal time
to reveal instead of spying, he kidnapped Valley's mascot,
a living, breathing dog who has no idea
what the hell is going on.
But Zack's not done.
He wants to taunt Valley while snitching
on himself with a photo.
Zack grabs Belding to pose,
making him an unknowingly documented accessory
to his felony.
Valley is rightfully livid.
They infiltrate Bayside to retrieve their pooch.
Screech, thinking he's talking to peers,
gets them hyped up to see the new routine.
He's provoked rivals with a combined age of 67, kidnap him.
Zack who has not been paying attention because he never does
inquires how necessary Screech is to this operation.
Jessie reiterates, he's the star.
Bummer, because Valley took him in a desperate attempt
to get their dog back.
Screech's friends who aren't heartless are scared.
Zack's focus lies elsewhere.
- If we don't get him back, Valley will win the prank war.
- [Narrator] Zack envisions a world
where Valley wins the prank war.
Oh, the humanity.
Even in Zack's fantasy he's a mark three times over.
The gang says now that a life is on the line,
it's time to tell Belding the truth.
Zack forgot that crap existed.
Belding, for unknown reasons,
is shocked Zack's word means nothing.
He called Elliot who loves a good knee-slapper
but concurs this has gotten all the fuckin' way out of hand.
He says take that tiger back,
but these students had been pushed by Zack
to board a runaway train for revenge.
Screech's tears, will they never end?
Slater's caring for the dog while Zack isn't.
Valley exchanges one tiger for one dog.
Then Zack zings him.
- Go walk your dog. - Wow.
Really told that guy with a dog to walk his dog.
Screech escaped, zero thanks to Zack.
He says the Valley guy in the costume plans
to throw the routine.
Instead of reporting this to get Screech in there,
Zack says it's time for one more prank.
He needs Screech's access to the insect club.
Zack got bored stealing one animal from another school
and stole thousands of animals from his own school.
He dumps a jar of angry ants down the tiger's back.
Bayside is doing great when this untrained, unprepared,
unaware of what the fuck is going on,
poor soul flips all over the place in unbridled agony,
almost snapping his spine multiple times
as he is eaten alive by ants.
He collapses and crushes as many as he can under his weight.
Bayside won their ill-gotten trophy
with a death-defying routine
which could have been earned sans ant genocide by Screech.
They expose Valley, deflecting from Zack's many crimes.
Zack celebrates winning the prank war
and does not mention the cheerleader's victory.
And we never see this Valley student ever again
after the torture of being eaten alive by ants.
He probably fucking killed himself.
Let's review: Zack Morris planned to win a prank war
with awful pranks and petty crime,
when he was clearly outmatched,
did not keep his promise for a truce
and instead stole a dog, then rubbed Valley's face in it
and implicated an innocent peacemaker.
After this brought payback which got his friend kidnapped
which didn't seem to bother Zack.
Zack put everyone's hard work in jeopardy for another prank.
A prank that almost got someone killed
and decimated lord knows how many ants.
Zack Morris is trash.
♪ Zack Morris is Trash ♪
(bell rings)