*Achievement Hunter and Rage Quit intro*
I don't know, are you ready?
ARE YOU READY?!?
*Beatboxing*
This fight brought you tonight by ROCKST★R Energy Drink!
Patrick Stewart versus the other guy!
Oh, it's the lightweight division? I didn't notice.
'Cause he weighs like SEVEN FUCKING POUNDS.
Boooooooooo! You suck!
PATRICK "THE PROFESSOR" STEWART, MOTHERFUCKER!
GONNA GO PROFESSOR X ON YOUR ASS!!
Judge: Patrick "The Professor" Stewart!
Michael: He actually said Patrick Stewart. What a jerk off.
Come on, Pat!
They taught you better than this than the Star Fleet!
Oh my God! No! Get up!
GET UP YOU OLD MAN!!!
NO!
NO! (2x)
WHY?!
TKO?!
MORE LIKE B-U-L-L-S-S-H-I-T FUCKING EXCLAMATION POINT!
I DON'T EVEN CARE IN THE WORLD! THAT WAS RIDICULOUS!
THAT WAS LIKE A FORTY SECOND-
THAT WASN'T FORTY SECONDS!
That was like a eight second knockout!
NO!
No-
Why you gotta show it again?
I saw it. I was there.
I would like to say that I demand a rematch.
Come here!
Come here and I hit you in the face!
I'm hitting you in the-
Oh God, what are they doing?
No!
You FUCKING MAKE UP LATER!
FIGHTING NOW, MAKE UP LATER!
No!
Hey! Oh, woah-woah-woah!
It's- why you hit me in the face?
Ok, THIS IS JUST LIKE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!
NO!
Show off asshole! Fucking run around, whip your dick out!
Fucking twirl it over your head!
Congratulations!
You beat a fucking slender old man in a-in a-in a martial arts fight.
Look at that, that's just-
why would you show up?
Use your fucking block, Pat!
Don't EMBARRASS ME AGAIN!
No!
We got this.
HE'S KICKING ME?!
YOU'RE GONNA KICK?!
I'll kick too, jerk!
Look, I kick you!
Uh!
Uh! (2x)
Uh! (3x)
EYE FOR AN EYE, BITCH!
OH NO, YOU DICK!
NO!
OH FUCK, MELENDEZ!
WHEN I SEE YOU IN A LOCKER ROOM, I AM WHIPPING THE FUCK OUT OF YOU WITH A WET TOWEL, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
*Sigh*
I just realized, I'm glass-fucking Joe!
That's who I am!
WHO'S THAT ONE GUY THAT I BEAT?!
I NEED MY ONE WIN!
Look at Melendez' stamina and look at mine.
I have NO fucking hope.
I'm a frail 71-year-old man
from FUCKING FRANCE!
I-I can't get out of this.
This is like-
This is-this is what I do on the weekend.
I end up in a room with the lights off,
there's me and somebody else,
and this is it.
There's just fucking legs everywhere,
a lot of hitting in the FUCKING FACE,
my groin is just fucking pulverized with like a meat cleaver,
and I wake up with an empty wallet and no kidneys.
HE'S TRYING TO BURP HIM!!
He's not a baby!
It'd be great if the ref came over here and fucking sprayed us with water.
*spraying water noise*
"Break it up you two!"
"Hey!"
"Hey!" (2x)
"Hey!" (3x)
Oh my God, we're just gonna roll around the floor for another two minutes and six seconds!
Which is about two minutes longer than it normally lasts!
It's a sex thing.
He's on top of me now, just have your way with me and be done with it.
It's just easier this way.
Dude, if this guy fucks up Klingons, he should be able to win an MMA fight.
Let's go.
THE MAN WAS CRIPPLED AND NOW HE WALKS!
He is healed, by the Lord!
I'll fucking elbow strike as much as I want!
Don't tell me what I can-can not do.
Can
Can not
Can not (2x)
Can not (3x)
I-I can't do it.
THIS FOR TAKING MY LUNCH MONEY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!
NO, he's trying to make me the ninja turtle in his turtle soup!
"Yeah, come in Star Fleet,
can I get, uhhhh...
BEAMED THE FUCK OUT OF HERE?!"
Imagine he took your last Capri Sun.
That was YOURS!
YOU PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE, YOU HAD YOUR NAME ON IT!
IT WAS WITH YOUR LUNCH, YOUR MOM MADE IT!
SHE EVEN CUT THE CRUSTS OFF!
SHE SLICED THE SANDWHICH DIAGNOLLY!
YOU'RE GONNA LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU?!
HE ATE YOUR LUNCH!!
LOOK AT THIS!
HE'S TURNING YOU INTO THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE!
GODDAMN IT!!
NO!!!
FIGHT BACK PICARD!!
FIGHT BACK YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT!!!
*Achievement Hunter outro*