-Welcome back to "The Tonight Show."
Thank you so much for coming back on the show.
-Oh, please, James Kanye Fallon, we adore doing your show.
[ Laughter ]
You know, and so of all the late night shows,
this is the easiest one to fall asleep to.
-Thank you so much. -[ Laughter ]
-First of all, I think that your comedy is just brilliant.
I do. I was watching the monologue.
To me, your comedy is like crypto.
I don't understand it, but I admire it.
[ Laughter ]
But really, tell everyone what you were -- what you were
telling about why it's finally the right time
to suspend the Constitution. What did that mean?
-[ Laughter ] -I don't want to get into it.
-Jimmy. -Yeah?
-If Marty starts humping your leg,
it's best to just let him finish.
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
-It's gotten me through a lot of flights and dinners,
I'll tell you that. -Oh, my gosh.
-And all I got to say -- I know this is not right.
First, I say, your beard -- I was going to make a little fun
of it because I thought at first, it looked like, you know,
a COVID mask that they cut a mouth hole in.
[ Laughter ]
I actually love the beard. I really do.
I miss the cold sore, but I like the beard.
[ Laughter ]
-You miss the cold sore?
-When I grow a beard, I look like the guy in the Western
that goes, "Dag nab it."
[ Laughter ]
-No, I'm not used to your beard. It's kind of jarring in person.
It's like seeing Steve with a tan.
You know, because --
[ Laughter ]
Steve is whiter than a Mormon golf team.
[ Laughter ]
But you look great.
You look like the offspring if Santa had sex with an elf.
-Oh, thank you so much. -[ Laughter ]
-It makes you look like a cool youth minister.
-Oh, thank you. -But honestly, I think you do
look like -- you look like you bathed in testosterone.
-Yeah, you do. -And I'll tell you what.
It's given you that buff Marjorie Taylor Greene physique.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you so much. -Wow. What a compliment.
-I'm excited that you guys are -- you're hosting
"Saturday Night Live" this weekend
with musical guest Brandi Carlile.
-That's right. -That's right.
-That's a big deal. -Very big deal.
-This is a big deal. -She's a genius, you know.
-And the truth, we are very busy.
But we always have time to come down here
and do five to seven minutes with you and...
[ Laughter ]
...possibly ruin our careers
and destroy everything that we built.
-Well, it's appreciated. -It's always a risk.
But it is exc-- I mean, I don't -- you know, Steve and I
think of ourselves as the Lennon and McCartney of comedy.
-Oh. -No one else does, but we do.
-Oh, that's good. -[ Laughter ]
Steve, are you going to play the banjo on "Saturday Night Live"?
-No, I'm not. -You're not playing?
-No. -Oh. Why not?
-I'll tell you why. Because the cast voted.
[ Laughter ]
-I see, yeah. -No, listen, when he pulls out
his banjo, people in China beg for lockdowns.
-That's interesting.
[ Laughter ]
-Thank you so much. Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you.
Oh, you're here.
I thought everyone had wandered off.
-I'm here too. -I forgot.
-You can't just put me down and then ignore me.
-I want to say, I saw a very funny promo that you guys did
for hosting "Saturday Night Live" this week.
It was so funny, I want to show everyone here.
Do you mind? -Absolutely.
-That's what it's for. -That's true. You're right.
Here's Steve Martin and Martin Short.
Here's the promo for "Saturday Night Live" this weekend.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
♪♪
[ Muffled groaning ]
-[ Gasps ] Water. I need water.
[ Choking ]
-Hey. Hi. It is such an honor.
I'm so excited to meet you two.
-Likewise, big fan.
Ugh!
-I grew up watching your movies.
The "Three Amigos!" and --
-Could you get me a green tea with extra ice?
-Oh, I'm -- I'm actually one of the cast members.
-Oh! Oh, yeah.
With a holiday cup?
-Holiday cup?
Got it.
-Can't breathe.
-Hi, I'm Martin Short, and Steve and I are so excited
to be hosting "Saturday Night Live" this week
with the great Brandi Carlile.
-Steve, got your green tea.
-Aaah! -Thanks.
-Come on. That's how you do it.
That is fantastic.
-Thank you. -That is so good.
I loved it so much. -Thank you.
-I cannot wait for this weekend.
Are you guys in the holiday spirit?
-I am. -I looked in the monitor,
and this is like Margaret Hamilton wore these
in "The Wizard of Oz." Look at that.
[ Laughter ]
It's this thing.
-Yeah, I remember that.
[ Laughter continues ]
Oh, my God.
Auntie Em, Auntie Em.
-And I'll tell you another thing.
Those aren't socks.
-[ Laughter ] -Oh, no. My gosh.
-I have the worst rash. Yeah.
-But I have noticed, actually,
that I find this so sweet about New Yorkers.
They take their mittens, and they cut a hole in their mittens
so they can still give each other the finger.
[ Laughter ]
-But it's difficult. I mean, I never --
Steve and I are very close, and I never know what to get you
for Christmas because of the whole atheist thing.
[ Laughter ]
Although he's in the spirit.
He's already hung his compression stockings
by the chimney with care.
[ Laughter ]
-I will say that my favorite part of decorating the tree is
when at the end, I just put a little tiny star on top.
And thank you for being up there because --
[ Laughter ]
I know that can get uncomfortable.
-Oh, my God.
But, you know, office parties.
This is when STDs can be spread, you know?
But I don't think of them as a disease.
I think of them as regifting.
[ Laughter ]
And I love this -- when New York -- when there's snows
in New York, the whole city
looks like Donald Trump Jr.'s desk.
[ Laughter ]
I did that for the band. -Yes!
♪♪
-You guys have such a long history.
You've worked professionally together for --
-We have. And we have been together so long,
we can actually finish each other's careers.
[ Laughter ]
-We're like the co-anchors on "Good Morning America"
without the office sex, you know.
-Yeah.
[ Audience oohs ]
-Are you still touring --
[ Cheers and applause ]
-Thank you!
Thank you.
[ Cheers and applause continue ]
Oh, you're still here?
-Yeah. -Yes, we're all --
-I wish I had something to bow for.
[ Laughter ]
-Are you still touring with the show?
Your show is called
"You Won't Believe What They Look Like Today!"
-Yes, that's true. -Are you still touring?
-Well, it's fun -- -Yes.
-It's fun. I love touring with Steve.
But, you know, at his age, there are certain problems.
You know, I mean, when the curtain goes up, Steve says,
"I'm ready, Jesus!"
And he starts heading toward the light, you know?
-Interesting.
[ Laughter ]
-[ Loudly ] I was telling people how sometimes you get confused.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Steve! -Yeah.
-We toured -- Right before COVID started,
we were touring Ireland. -Oh, that's fun.
-Yeah, but we had to leave suddenly because [Laughs]
Marty couldn't say "air lingus" without giggling.
[ Laughter ]
-You both got a bunch of things going on.
"Only Murders in the Building," come on.
How great is that show?
-[ Cheers and applause ] -It is unbelievable.
-Thank you. -TV at its finest.
-Go ahead and bow. -Yeah, now you got to bow.
-Give them your bow. -No, not like I'm not in it.
-No, you co-created it or created or whatever you did.
You should take the bow. It's true. It's his idea.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-That's a bow. -Yeah.
-You're hosting "Saturday Night Live" --
-I'm not going to bow like you because I don't need to.
-Wow!
[ Audience oohs ]
-Steve, you have this fantastic memoir, by the way.
-Oh, thank you. -Oh, look at that.
-"Number One Is Walking." Congratulations on this.
This is a fantastic memoir. -[ Cheers and applause ]
Memoirs, your time in movies.
Marty, you're in the "Beauty and The Beast: 30th Anniversary."
You are playing Lumiere. -Lumiere.
[ French accent ] Be our guest. Be our guest.
This is our service to the guest.
[ Normal voice ] And of course, the fabulous H.E.R.,
who will be out soon is Belle.
She's Belle.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-You guys have never been busier.
-Yes, we're busier than Nick Cannon's child-support lawyer.
-[ Laughter and applause ] -Congrats on everything.
Steve Martin, Martin Short, everybody.
Catch them hosting "Saturday Night Live" this weekend
with musical guest Brandi Carlile.
Steve, Martin, and I are playing a fun game when we come back.
Stick around.