My kids are older so I go
to McDonald's a lot less now, which
is good, but we still go.
Are you clapping for McDonald's
or against them?
I don't know.
(audience laughing)
Let's just clap for grimace.
We don't see him much anymore.
(audience laughing)
Very tiny hands, grimace.
"Hooray."
(audience laughing)
But we always get that hot apple pie
there.
It's good.
It's more like a burrito
with hot apple glue in it.
(audience laughing)
It's that hot little rectangle
in a box.
It's so hot there's a warning
on the box.
"Caution.
"Filling is hot."
And the last time I ordered one,
the lady was having a really intense
day behind the counter,
and so she actually said it to me.
She goes, "Here's your hot apple pie.
"And be careful, that filling
"is hot."
I was like, Yeah, whatever.
And she goes, "Hey, I'm serious."
(audience laughing)
Thanks for the warning, lady.
I did not realize
the lethal hot lava inside.
Does this come with mic-tongs
before I go?
Some flame retardant mic-gloves
for me to--
You know what?
I'm going out into a dark parking
lot.
Why don't you give me five or six
of these, and in case I get mugged,
I could just throw some hot apple
pies on them.
He'll find rectangular burns
all over his face.
(audience laughing)
Someone should get killed
in a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie
with a hot apple pie, right?
(audience laughing)
And CSI finds him in the morning,
"Got him with a hot apple pie again.
"We've got to get a warning
"on that box."
♫ As coroner, I must reply ♫
♫ this man was killed ♫
♫ with apple pie. ♫
(audience laughing)
(audience applauding)
It's a fallback.
That does sound like a waste
to die in Munchkinland.
It sounds delightful,
death by apple pie.
Another dessert that I love
is the fortune cookie.
There's paper inside so don't learn
that the hard way.
You crack it open,
and you read a fortune.
Here's my problem.
I think the fortune cookie people
are slacking off.
I think they're getting soft.
he's like, "Preach."
They're not predicting the future
anymore on those.
They're just saying little
abstract phrases and sayings
like, "A gathering of friends
"will bring you happiness."
That's not a fortune.
That's like a Martha Stewart
helpful hint cookie.
I can't use that.
(audience laughing)
Or they'll say something I already
know like, "Saving money will prove
"financially rewarding."
Well no, duh.
Thank you, fortune cookie.
Let me write that down, saving money
what?
That's why I kept my very favorite
fortune.
This was real.
I cracked open the cookie,
and it said, "Maybe someday you will
"go to the moon."
(audience laughing)
I said, Now we're talking.
That's a prediction, man.
That takes guts.
That's laying it out there.
I'm going to the moon!
Although it said "maybe"
at the front of the whole thing.
That's what made me laugh.
Like, just in case.
Like, the legal department
got a hold of it first.
(audience laughing)
You know, like, they're working
in the fortune cookie factory
on those teeny-tiny typewriters,
they're like--
"Going to the moon.
"That is good.
"Better put 'maybe' in there.
"We don't want a lawsuit."
(audience laughing)
You don't want me showing up,
"You said I'd go to the moon.
(audience laughing)
"Oh, maybe.
"My bad, sorry."
(audience laughing)
If you're shopping at the grocery
store for a dessert, you might want
to pick up a Sara Lee cake,
one of those Sara Lee pies
or danishes in the white box.
They're good, they're good.
But the slogan for Sarah Lee,
do you know it?
♫ Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee. ♫
Nobody doesn't like Sarah Lee.
Nobody doesn't-- You know what I
don't like, Sara Lee?
Double negatives.
Your slogan is a confusing logic
problem.
There's too much work there.
That's weird.
Like, what were the other rejected
slogans at the Sara Lee factory?
Like, "Sara Lee, we're not ungood."
(audience laughing)
"Sara Lee isn't not liked."
"Those that don't not like Sara Lee
"never don't not tell us."
(audience laughing)