Today, we're coming to you with 5 lessons you should avoid teaching your children.
As a little disclaimer, I don't think any parent intentionally teaches their children
something that is going to harm them or cause them psychological difficulties later on. But
we do it unintentionally all the time. So, these 5 lessons are ones you want to
avoid listen to all 5 because you may be at risk. Your feelings are wrong.
You'd never come right out and teach your kids that, right? Can I just say as a clinical
psychologist, you are never wrong about how you feel. And neither are your children. Our feelings
are completely consistent with the way our mind is processing our experiences. But for children,
it's also important to understand that they don't have very good emotional regulation.
And so, sometimes their feelings come out in very dramatic and powerful ways. And this
kind of tips over the parents. Even though we wouldn't intentionally tell our children that
their feelings are wrong, sometimes we jump in by saying, "Stop crying. Knock that off.
Get control of yourself." Well, that's really hard for a child to do
they don't have the tools or the skill sets yet to really control their feelings very well.
We're not very good at it as adults sometimes. Then why do we say these things to our kids?
Because of our own discomfort with their feelings. Be honest about this and connect.
You get uncomfortable when your child is having some emotional issues. And that's when we're at
risk for sending that message to our children. We want to avoid teaching them that message
because it can lead to psychological problems later on.
As they don't deal with appropriately, the intense feelings that come up for them,
they might get into avoidant patterns or even maladaptive behaviors when they experience
those feelings if we haven't given them the tools that they need to deal with that. So, instead of
sending the message that their feelings are wrong, teach your kids what I already shared with you
that you're never wrong about how you feel. Your children are going to love hearing this from you.
And especially as you model it for them. I think it's a really good idea to start giving children
labels or titles for the feelings that they're experiencing. Usually,
when you ask people to list as many feelings as they can think of, they come up with like mad,
sad, and happy. Well, there's a whole lot more feelings than that that we can experience.
And so, as they learn to express, I'm feeling frustrated, okay? That's a good word to teach
children because when things don't go the way that they wanted it to go, yeah, that causes some
frustration. Help them to identify that feeling. Sadness, disappointment. Let's give our children
a vocabulary that allows them to understand and process their feelings a little bit better. Now,
what are we going to do with the parents' discomfort about the child's emotions. Look,
if your child is out of control, instead of sending the message that they're wrong about
how they feel, help them identify the feeling and then take them to a place where they can
resolve the feeling. And feelings change. Have you noticed this? They're going to need a little
bit of time to calm down. They're going to need a little bit of time to have a chemical shift
in their body so that they can feel different. Take them out of the mainstream of activity at
that point. Take them down the hall or to another room or behind that tree at the park. Wherever
you can go where they can feel a little bit of isolation. They can feel the safety and security
of having you there with them. You're reassuring them that they're never wrong about how they feel,
helping them to identify their feelings. They're going to move through this feeling
and they'll do it more efficiently and in a more healthy way as you help them to label and accept
their feelings. -The second lesson to avoid teaching is that mistakes are bad.
-Why do we think this? -I don't know and I don't think we even realize sometimes that we are
teaching our children that. -Talk to me. How are teaching our kids that? -I think
it's cultural and I think we learned it from our own parents because there's an emphasis
in many cultures to get it right, to learn it properly. And so mistakes are usually not
celebrated. -Yeah. -In fact, you get penalized for mistakes in our school systems. You know, there's
there's a big emphasis on getting the correct answers. -I was just working with a girl just this
weekend and we talked a lot about the word fail. You can look at it as an acronym, First Attempt
In Learning. That it's not a mistake. She got really nervous every time she did something wrong.
I say, "No, we've got to step back and talk about this is all part of the process of learning." -And
that's the alternative. So, instead of teaching that mistakes are bad or wrong... -They're just
part of the process. -They're part of the process for learning, it's part of a success building
experience. -And you as a parent, you got to get this deep in your heart because even parenting,
the mistakes are not bad. We make mistakes. -Right. -I've made so many parenting mistakes.
I can't even tell you all of them. They're part of the process of learning. -Yeah. How do you
think we know this stuff that we're sharing with you, right? -Yeah. -So, let's get clear and try to
avoid that lesson. -So, the alternative then is to teach that mistakes are a good part of learning.
That it's something that can be celebrated and it becomes a valuable part of our experience.
Let's go there instead. The third lesson that we don't want to teach our kids... -Okay. -You're not
good enough. -I would never teach my child that. -I know, right? Is that terrible and horrible and
awful? But we do. -Yeah. The message comes out when we're constantly telling them, "You can
do better. You can be better at this. Ah, you did pretty well but..." -So, pause for just a minute.
Honestly, when will that stop being true that our child could do better? You can always do better.
-Right? Now, if they hear this all the time, they start to get the impression that they can't
be good enough. And that's the lesson we don't want to teach them. So, instead, I think we want
to connect with our children with empathy. -Right. -So, if they have an accomplishment or even one of
those valuable mistakes, we can connect with them through empathy and saying, "How did you
feel about that?" -Yeah, always trying to get back to having them do some of the evaluation. -Right.
-You know? Rather than us always evaluating it, let them be the ones to do the evaluation. -And
the self-reflection and everything else that comes with it. We want to send a message to our child
not that they're not good enough but that they can learn from their mistakes. And that we trust
them to make good choices for them. -And that we trust them to learn, to be good learners.
I mean that's one of the greatest things is if they can learn from their mistakes and we
show them that we are confident they can do that, wow! -Yes. This is so important. I can't tell you
how many kids I've met with over the years and the decades now of my clinical practice
who have expressed to me their feeling that they can never be good enough for their parents.
That is tragic. Let's turn that tide, let's send a very different message to our kids. Okay, we got
2 more lessons that we're going to share with you. Before I do that, think about some people that you
know that would really benefit from having this information. Would you make a commitment right now
to share this video with them? We would love to help you help your friends. Don't be a tattletale.
This is one that we teach children because we don't want them running to us every time
somebody does something that they're unhappy with. Well, "Billy took my thing. Suzie hit me."
This usually comes from parents trying to help children do problem-solving on their
own without running to us as parents every time they need to resolve a conflict or a dispute.
When we tell our kids don't be a tattletale, we're sending them a message that it's not really okay
to come to me with all of these concerns that you have. Or sometimes we'll put children in a
position where they think that they need to keep things private or secret instead of being able to
talk to their parents about it. Now, while this is very understandable because we don't want our kids
running to us with every little thing, we want to keep those lines of communication open. So,
instead, let's teach our children and encourage them to talk openly about anything that's
bothering them. And we can put appropriate limits around that so they understand that there are
appropriate times and places and ways to do that. If it seems trite or insignificant, this concern
that they're coming to you with; be patient. Remember, to your child, it's a big deal. And it
is based on their world and their perceptions. So, be patient as you listen to them express whatever
their concern is. And then don't jump too fast to fix it for them. Actually, this is one of the
things that trains our children to come and be a tattletale if we jump in and intervene every time
that they do it. Instead, listen with patience. Reflect back to them what you're hearing. Oh,
you're really concerned because your brother took that toy that you were playing with?
Okay, show the empathy reflect, it back to them, and then encourage them to do some problem-solving
but in consultation with you. We're not trying to shut it down, we're trying to open it up. What do
you think you can do about this that would help to solve the problem? Now, obviously, that has to be
gauged according to your child's development and what they're capable of doing. We want to empower
them to solve their own problems without shutting them down. Because when the big concerns happen,
we want those lines of communication to stay wide open so that they feel they can come to us
to talk about anything. And finally, that fifth lesson that we don't want to teach our kids:
"You are acceptable if or when or upon completion of..." Or whatever. Right? -It kind of ties back
to the not quite good enough, you know? -It does. -Yeah. How is it that we're sending that message?
-I think it's because we express our disapproval. -Now, I think we have to be very,
very careful because our body language our facial expressions might be doing all of this unbeknownst
to ourselves. -Right. -Where's your eyebrows when they're talking to you? So, just kind of
become aware of what it is that you're telling them. -And our kids are really sensitive to this
too. They're like little radars. Okay? They'll they're watching up on the emotional energy,
the subtle body language, or other cues that we're giving them that express disapproval. And in
that moment, they don't feel approved, they don't feel loved, they don't feel that they're adequate
in that moment. Now, that's not how we really feel as a parent. We love them no matter what
and even if. -Right. -In fact, that's the remedy. We get back to our job --to love
them no matter what and even if. Give up on your job to make sure that they whatever
because you're really bad at that. And it and it sends the wrong message to our kids. I think
that's part of how they get that message. -Love them.... -No matter what and even if. -Always.
Parenting can be kind of tricky. But you don't have to do this on your own. I don't know if you
were even aware of the immense resources that are available to you through Live On Purpose Central.
Go.liveonpurposecentral.com. Come and check out the amazing positive parenting
resources that we've put together just for you. We've got your back.