♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: OH, HEY.
JUST KEEPING IT REAL.
WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.
LET'S SAY HELLO TO JON BATISTE.
HELLO, JON BATISTE.
IT IS AN HISTORIC DAY.
YET ANOTHER HISTORIC DAY HERE IN THE LAND OF THE FREE, THE HOME
OF THE BRAVE.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
>> Jon: THEY JUST KEEP COMING.
THEY JUST KEEP COMING.
I'M FEELING VERY RAW, EXPOSED.
MY INNARDS ARE EXPOSED.
( LAUGHS ) IT FEELS...
IT FEELS LIKE I'M SEARCHING FOR MAGIC THAT IS LEFT IN THE WORLD
THAT I HAVE FAITH IS LEFT IN THE WORLD.
I'M SEARCHING FOR IT.
I WANT TO BALANCE OUT ALL THE RIFT OF THE STUFF THAT'S COMING
IN, WITH A LITTLE BIT MORE MAGIC TO KIND OF HEAL MYSELF, YOU
KNOW.
>> Stephen: YEAH.
I SAW A LITTLE BIT OF MAGIC TODAY.
WE SAW SOME PEOPLE VOTING AGAINST THEIR OWN PERSONAL
POLITICAL INTERESTS FOR THE GOOD OF THE COUNTRY.
THAT WAS-- THAT WAS SATISFYING.
THAT MADE ME-- THAT GAVE ME SOME HOPE.
>> Jon: YEAH, BUT ISN'T IT KIND OF LATE A LITTLE BIT, YOU
KNOW?
>> Stephen: HEY, MAN, HEY MAN, THE 11th HOUR CONVERT GETS
THE SAME PAY THAT THE OTHER WORKERS IN THE VINEYARD DOES.
DO I HAVE TO SEND YOU A BOOK?
>> Jon: I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
>> Stephen: JON, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING PATRIOTIC AT YOUR
FINGERTIPS?
>> Jon: OH, MY GOODNESS.
LET'S SEE.
♪ ♪ ♪ >> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON.
JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME LINING A PATH WITH THE
BRIGHTEST, MOST TOPICAL CHERRY BLOSSOMS, LAYING THEM BY THE
NEWSIEST BUBBLING BROOK AND CAREFULLY RAKING THE SANDS TO
CREATE THE JAPANESE ZEN GARDEN THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT ONCE IN A WHILE, I LIKE TO DIG A SHALLOW PIT, LINE IT WITH
SOME TWO BY FOURS I FOUND BEHIND THE HOME DEPOT, FILL IT WITH
GRAVEL AND SAND I STOLE FROM THE SCRAPYARD, AND TOP IT ALL OFF
WITH SOME USED CAT LITTER TO ASSEMBLE THE DERELICT SANDBOX
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"
QUARANTINE-WHILE, POLICE IN NEW JERSEY RESPONDED TO A 911 CALL
THAT "A FLOCK OF ANGRY CHICKENS WAS WREAKING HAVOC AT A
McDONALD'S DRIVE-THRU."
YOU CALLED 911?
YOU'RE IN A CAR.
THEY'RE CHICKENS.
"THE CHICKENS ARE COMING!
WHAT DO I DO?!
WHAT DO I-- I JUST DRIVE AWAY?
OKAY, I WILL DO THAT, THEN."
( LAUGHTER )
WERE, BUT WHEN ANIMAL CONTROL ARRIVED AT THE McDONALD'S, THEY
"SAW THE CHICKENS HARASSING AND CHASING CUSTOMERS, ALONG WITH
PECKING AT CAR TIRES."
FORTUNATELY, NO ONE WAS HURT, AND THE CHICKENS WERE ROUNDED UP
AND SAFELY GIVEN A NEW HOME.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IN ROBOT NEWS, "THE PETIT QOOBO IS A CUSHIONED
ROBOT WITH A TAIL THAT WAVES GENTLY WHEN THE ROBOT IS PET."
AWW, IT'S LIKE SOMEONE WANTED TO DRAW A CAT BUT THEY STARTED AT
THE BUTT AND THEN LOST INTEREST.
ACCORDING TO THE COMPANY, THE QOOBO IS "DESIGNED TO OFFER
USERS EMOTIONAL SUPPORT."
COME ON.
REAL CATS DON'T EVEN DO THAT!
PLUS, YOU'LL NEED TO REGISTER IT WITH THE AUTHORITIES IF YOU WANT
TO TAKE IT ON A PLANE AS YOUR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT ROBOT CAT ASS.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S TIME FOR EVERYONE'S FAVORITE
GENITALIA-BASED QUARANTINE-WHILE SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-WHILE."
AND, BELIEVE IT OR NOT, IT'S ACTUALLY TIME FOR EVERYONE'S
FAVORITE PEEN-WHILE SUB-SUB-SEGMENT: "PEEN-JAIL."
PEEN-JAIL, "A HACKER TOOK CONTROL OF PEOPLE'S
INTERNETCONNECTED CHASTITY CAGES AND DEMANDED A RANSOM TO BE PAID
IN BITCOIN TO UNLOCK IT."
GETTING PAID IN BITCOIN?
THAT'S THE SECOND STUPIDEST IDEA I'VE HEARD!
NOW, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR, A "CHASTITY CAGE" IS "A SEX TOY
THAT USERS PUT AROUND THEIR PENIS AND SOME OF THEM CAN BE
UNLOCKED REMOTELY."
NOT SURE HOW PEOPLE DO THAT LAST PART, BUT IT COULD EXPLAIN WHAT
THAT THIRD LIGHT SWITCH DOES IN MY GARAGE.
SO, APPARENTLY, THESE PEOPLE HOOKED UP THEIR DONG CAGES TO
THE 'NET, AND THEN THEY GOT HACKED, WHICH ACTUALLY LEADS TO
OUR PEEN-JAIL SUB-SUB-SUB-SEGMENT:
"WELL, YEAH."
WELL, YEAH, OF COURSE THIS IS GOING TO HAPPEN.
I MEAN, IT'S ONE THING TO GIVE CONTROL OF YOUR DEPRIVATION BOX
TO A LOVED ONE, BUT IT'S QUITE A LEAP OF FAITH TO SAY, "LET'S
PUT MY JUNK IN THE CLOUD."
ANYWAY, OBVIOUSLY, WE DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHO IS LOCKED IN THESE
DEVICES, BUT IT'S PRETTY SCARY STUFF.
AND HERE TO DISCUSS THE MATTER IS MY WRITER WHO BROUGHT THIS TO
MY ATTENTION, DJANGO.
DJANGO, WHAT DO YOU THINK-- >> WE MUST MEET THESE HACKERS'
DEMANDS, STEPHEN.
WHATEVER THEY WANT, JUST GIVE IT TO THEM.
>> Stephen: BUT DON'T YOU THINK IT SETS A DANGEROUS PRECEDENT TO
JUST-- >> THE NEGOTIATIONS HAVE FAILED.
WE JUST NEED TO GIVE THESE CYBER-TERRORISTS THEIR INTERNET
MONEY SO THAT THIS NIGHTMARE CAN END.
>> Stephen: WHAT I WAS TRYING TO SAY IS THAT IF WE APPEASE THESE
PEOPLE NOW, IT WILL JUST TEACH THEM THAT THEY CAN GET AWAY WITH
DOING IT AGAIN IN THE FUTURE.
>> THAT'S A GREAT THEORETICAL ARGUMENT, STEPHEN.
AND I CAN TELL THAT WHOEVER'S MAKING IT ISN'T LOCKED IN
SOLITARY RIGHT NOW.
>> Stephen: DJANGO, MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST MOVE ON.
>> SURE, SURE, YOU'RE IN A POSITION WHERE YOU CAN SAY THAT.
BUT, YES, LET'S CHANGE TOPICS.
HEY, DO YOU LIKE MUSIC, STEPHEN?
>> Stephen: YEAH, OF COURSE I DO, DJANGO.
>> WANT TO KNOW WHAT MY FAVORITE FIONA APPLE ALBUM IS?
>> Stephen: SURE.
>> "FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS."
>> Stephen: THAT WAS A RAIL LONG WALK.
DJANGO, EVERYBODY!
>> I NEED OLIVE OIL, STAT!
>> Stephen: WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SAMANTHA BEE.