And I've had some embarrassing
moments in my life, you guys.
Like, that was just the first, and . . .
Yeah, there's more.
So, we go, now we go to college, right?
College.
I thought I made it through my life
without all the embarrassing stuff,
But I go, I get to college,
and I had two scholarships in college.
I had competitively fought.
I got a Judo scholarship.
So Judo martial art.
Competitively fought in Judo
from age four to 22.
Even competed in the junior Olympics,
when I was 17 years old.
So, yeah, did some cool stuff with it.
But I got a scholarship.
And, here's the thing about Judo, guys.
It's throws, chokes, pins, and armbar.
There's no judo kick or chop. Okay?
It's just throws, chokes,
pins, and armbars.
Now I was pretty good at the chokes.
All right, I knew the chokes pretty well.
Now, you know you got
a good choke by the sound
the person's making,
when you're choking 'em. Okay?
Yeah. Now if they're just like, whoa,
that means you almost got it. Okay.
It's the squeak on the end
when you know you really
got it locked in.
They're like, "Hrrgh!" You know?
The reason I know this is
because before I passed out,
that's the sound I made.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
It's very, difficult.
So I had that scholarship in Judo,
and I was also—I got a scholarship
for being the mascot at my college.
Now, I'm an Eagle.
We were the eagles, right?
And I look like
seven foot tall in this thing.
I need a big muscle suit,
big huge head, right,
and I'm goin', and we're
doin' a basketball game.
I'm doin' my thing,
I'm dancin', I'm doin' stuff.
Then, the other mascot
on the other team.
Decides he wanna mess with me!
Yeah, it was the snow badger
is what it was.
It was the snow badger.
Right? And their badger,
they didn't have the muscle suit.
It was very, they could move
and do all the stuff.
I'm very boxy and stuff.
But they pushed me! In my back!
Pushed me in the back!
Well, pfft!
You know, you can't talk
'cause you're a mascot.
So you're doin'
body language stuff, right?
(audience laughing)
Just like, what, you wanna?
You know? He pushed me.
They go straight in for
a double-leg takedown, guys.
If you know—it was right in.
But I have the Judo background,
just came right through.
Yeah, come right here.
I get right underneath the arm
and just whoosh!
And their feet go woop! And then bam!
That floor, that place shook, you guys!
It shook!
The whole crowd's like, oh!
And I'm just like this, I'm doin' this.
You know, I did one of these.
I'm like, by the end, you know?
I'm feelin' so good about myself.
Turns out it was a woman.
(audience laughing)
I felt terrible.
I was feelin' so terrible after,
I'm like, I am so sorry.
Why did you come at me
like that? You know?
She's like,
"I didn't know you were gonna
"throw me on the ground."
I'm like, I'm sorry!
(audience laughing)
You were a badger, I was an eagle.
I don't know.
it was terrible.
I was totally embarrassed, man.
It was crazy.
Oh, another embarrassing time.
It's more in the adult time.
I went to the beach with the guys
and I went into the ocean.
I'm terrified of the ocean.
There's stuff in there.
(audience laughing)
I don't know if you know this.
Things in the ocean.
And so I go in the ocean,
I'm all by myself.
You know, I'm all by myself, chillin' out.
I worked on cruise ships.
That's why, I don't just go
to random beaches by myself,
like a creeper.
(audience laughing)
So, so I'm in the water.
Everything's fine.
I'm hanging out with my dad.
Bod's all out and everything, and
yeah, it's totally that bod
thing goin' on here.
Yeah, I take this jacket off,
it's like the biscuits can.
Just, poof! Everything comes flyin' out.
Have to avoid sharp corners, is terrible.
All right, so I'm in the water.
Everything's goin' great
'til I feel this, pfft,
right on the side of my leg.
Somethin' hits me there.
And out of nowhere, I'm just like
ahhHHHH! And, like, scream.
So I bet everybody . . . so loud!
People were running
out of the water, right?
They're freakin' out.
They're running out of the water.
I'm screaming. And I'm, I'm just like,
I'm so sorry, it's fine!
It's all right, it's just seaweed,
hit me in the leg.
Guys, come back in the water. It's okay.
I felt like a complete idiot, right?
But then this big buff dude saved me.
Okay. Big buff dude.
He didn't carry me out of the water
like a baby, all right?
He just looked like
the bigger idiot than me,
because he had the—
this, we're talkin' this guy was,
no neck big, guys.
Bodybuilder, you know
what I'm talkin' about?
When their head just grows
into their shoulders.
They do that big guy walk,
like this. Right?
And he's wearin' a Speedo,
so it's very uncomfortable
for everybody, anyways.
He comes into the water.
Now he's, you know,
he turns back towards the beach.
He starts yelling at his lady.
She heard me scream, she's scared.
She thinks there's sharks
in there and stuff, right?
He's like, "Babe!
"Babe!
"Come on in here, babe!
"Babe, get in the water,
"there's no sharks here!
"I'll punch it in the face!
"Just come on, get in here!"
So I figure, I'm gonna
mess with this guy, right?
He's about from me
to the end of the stage. So what I did
is I grabbed that seaweed,
that hit me in the leg, right?
And I just tossed it at him.
And I hit him right where
the neck would be, if he had one.
(audience laughing)
Right?
I'd never seen a man
run on water before,
but it was impressive.
That guy was gone. He was like, ahh!
Like, he was outta there.
But I'll tell you this,
as soon as I threw that seaweed,
I became a Navy SEAL,
went under the water.
I was just like, pfft!
Just did short breaths,
all the way down the beach.
'Cause he would've murdered me.