Hi, I'm Kai Cheng Thom, and you're watching 'Ask Kai: Quick
Tips for the Apocalypse', a series of short videos in which
I give you amazing advice that will change
your life.
Or maybe it won't, but it'll probably still be fun
to watch.
So
today's question is from a person who writes
to us: Hi, I've recently realized that I'm
asexual, but my partner isn't.
I really want to stay together.
What should I be thinking about?
First off, I just want to say to the person who wrote this
question, congratulations on doing this piece of self
discovery. I think it's really amazing when folks do
self reflection and really think about what they want
and what they need, and come up with something
that maybe gives them more clarity about what they're
looking for in life, in a partnership, in a relationship.
Now, the sticky part, of course, is once you realize what
you want and what you don't want, and if one is asexual,
then what may be something that one doesn't want to have is
a ton of sex that might not
line up with people who are currently in
your life, and in this case, particularly
the romantic partner.
So the question is, I really want to stay together.
What should I be thinking about?
And without knowing this particular couple very well, I
think I would say it's important to take stock of where
is the partnership more generally outside of sexual
life? So sometimes, folks
in partnerships are already having a
rocky time for reasons outside of sexuality and
physical intimacy. And then a shift
like discovering one is asexual
comes along, and that opens up a bigger conversation
about, is the relationship in general one
that should be continued right now?
On the other hand, a lot of relationships are
doing pretty OK, or really, really well outside
of the realm of physical intimacy and sexuality.
And so this one possibly
big change might not
affect those other things quite so much.
So I guess what I'm saying is, well, just take
stock of how are you really feeling about your
romantic partner? How are they really feeling about you?
This may be a conversation to have in therapy.
I would suggest doing that individually with a therapist or
counselor first and then coming together, if that's
something you want to do, so that you can get what you want
to say and what you're feeling clear before you address
each other. It's important to do some thinking individually
before you have that conversation in general.
As someone who has jumped into a lot of big conversations
with my romantic partners without thinking it through
first, I'm just going to say, try to think it through
first.
If the two of you still love each other and you both want
to stay together, then I would
say communication and working
through it collaboratively is key
and also very possible.
I know a lot of folks who are asexual in romantic
partnerships with folks who are more sexual and
things tend to work out OK.
How is that possible? Well, first, I would say
it's important for both people in the partnership to
do more self reflection and get even more clarity about
what they're wanting and willing to do in terms
of sexuality.
So your partner might have some really specific
needs around what they want from their sexual life
and their partnership with you.
It would be important for them to get a sense of what are
those needs, what do they need to do, or maybe they
actually don't have that many sexual needs.
And it's kind of OK not to
have that much sex, or maybe not even to not have sex at
all.
For the person who is newly discovering
or uncovering their asexuality, it's important to get a
sense of, well, what does asexuality
mean to you? A lot of asexual folks still want to have some
kind of physical intimacy with a partner and
some don't want any at all.
But important for you to get a sense of, is there anything
that you want from your sexual life with your partner, and
even if there's nothing that you want, is there anything
that you are willing to give that your partner might want
that wouldn't be terrible for you and would still feel like
building intimacy on an emotional level, even if it is not
the most physically exciting or pleasurable.
Now, this is kind of like a tricky, edgy area
because it brings up these big questions of, like, consent.
One thing that I've heard that I don't love so much
from the third wave college feminism is
this idea of consent, sexual consent, needing to
be enthusiastic at all times.
So, yes, we definitely need consent,
but enthusiasm sort of implies it's like, gosh, I love
the sex I'm having all at every single moment!
It's so amazing! It's blowing my mind!
And that idea about
enthusiasm that we have to be having one hundred percent
pleasure at all times, or the sex is bad
and evil and wrong, just doesn't actually line up
with most people's sexual lives, particularly the sexual
lives of people who have been in a partnership for any
significant period of time, because anyone who has been in
a partnership like that can tell you it waxes and wanes.
But still, sometimes you want to have sex
that you're not so enthusiastic
about jumping for joy about, because you still want to
build a bridge of physical intimacy that then
becomes emotional intimacy with that other person.
So I really love the work of a sex
educator and body worker named Betty Martin.
She's written a book and also made many online resources
that you can access for free. It's amazing, called "The
Wheel of Consent." So you can look up "The Wheel of
Consent' or the school of consent or Betty Martin or
Google, and you'll find a lot of great resources on this
about how consent can look when
you want to have intimacy with your partner as
a gift you are giving to them, even if you are not so
excited about it. I think that this is a really awesome way
to conceive of sexuality and consent, because as
desire crests and falls, we still may want
to give access to our bodies,
to our partners as like a sacred
gift, something that we are doing to create romance
and intimacy, something we are still getting something out
of, even if it isn't that sort of immediate erotic
pleasure that we see in porn
and movies and stuff like that.
So that's something to consider.
But there's a difference between being willing to
have sex that you're not immediately excited about so
that you can build emotional intimacy with your partner.
That's something that you might still want and it's
something that can be done in a healthy way.
I wouldn't say, though, that
just having sex because if you don't, you're afraid
that the partnership will end is a good reason to have it.
There's a fine line there.
But if sex is something that is really, for example,
repulsive or painful or emotionally
triggering, I really would not suggest doing sexual
activity just for the sake of keeping your partner happy.
In my experience, that never tends to work, and that does
cross some fairly concerning consent lines, at least
in my mind.
So that's something then that you might want to have
a bigger conversation about with the folks in your life,
with your partner. If sex is just really not pleasurable
at all for you and it's uncomfortable or
painful, I would say not to do it.
And then so in this case, you can have a conversation with
your partner about if they have sexual needs, maybe
they can get them met in another way.
Do you need to consider polyamory or an open relationship
of some kind? What are they getting from you that they
still love and need and want that
is not in the realm of sexuality?
And maybe your partner should continue to function in that
way. And also, I just want to
hold as a reality to validate and affirm
that sometimes, when we discover that our needs are really
different from those of our partners, the partnership
sometimes comes to an end, and that is OK.
It doesn't mean anything about you.
It doesn't mean that you failed.
It doesn't mean that you're wrong. It doesn't mean that
you're broken. It doesn't mean any of these other things
that can sometimes come to mind when a partnership ends
because we're not able to meet our partners erotic or
romantic or other needs.
It just means that your needs and their needs are
different.
That's it for today kids.
You've been watching 'Ask Kai: Quick Tips for the
Apocalypse.' I'm Kai Cheng Thom.
Stay safe, wash your hands.
I think we're supposed to be still washing our hands.
That's probably still a good idea,right?
Even if it's not like for Covid, you probably should still
wash your hands anyway. Wash your hands and,
you know, have fun.
Enjoy yourselves. But also, stay safe.