WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
(APPLAUSE) VERY NICE, VERY NICE.
NOW SHARP-EYED VIEWERS WILL NOTICE
I'M SITTING FOR TONIGHT'S MONOLOGUE.
THAT'S BECAUSE WE TAPED THIS EARLIER.
YEAH, EARLIER. RIGHT NOW, I'M ACTUALLY ON MY
WAY BACK FROM THE EMMYS. I'M EITHER VERY PROUD OF MY
STAFF-- OR I'M VERY PROUD OF MY STAFF
AND WE WON AN EMMY. TONIGHTS--
TONIGHT, WE'VE GOT A TON OF GREAT, NEVER-BEFORE-SEEN STUFF
FOR YOU FEATURING THE SEXIEST CELEBRITIES PLUS THE GUESTS I'M
INTERVIEWING. BUT FIRST FOR YOU TONIGHT,
WE PUT TOGETHER A SPECIAL LOOK BACK AT FORMER PRESIDENT
ONE TRICK PHONY. THE MAN JUST WON'T GO AWAY.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK, THERE'S ANOTHER STORY ABOUT HIM.
HIM UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR THIS OR THAT OR THE OTHER NUCLEAR
SECRET. SO
BUT THE BIGGEST STORY WILL ALWAYS BE JANUARY 6th-- THE DAY
HE ATTEMPTED TO THROW OUR ELECTION OUT THE WINDOW, THEN
HIS CHICKEN NUGGETS AT THE WALL. THIS MONTH, THE SELECT COMMITTEE
WILL BE BACK WITH MORE REVELATIONS THAT WILL SHOCK
ANYONE... WHO HASN'T BEEN WATCHING MY
SHOW. BECAUSE WE LOOKED BACK, AND,
TURNS OUT? WE PREDICTED EVERY INSANE,
CRIMINAL STEP HE TOOK DOWN NUTBALL TREASON HIGHWAY.
AND OUR JOB HERE AT THE SHOW IS TO TALK ABOUT ALL THAT
STUFF THAT WE ALL HEAR AND NEWS EVERY DAY, AND TALK ABOUT IT
WITH YOU, WE TALK ABOUT IT TOGETHER SO YOU DON'T FEEL
ALONE. WHICH WE ALL WERE.
BECAUSE THIS WAS DURING COVID, WHEN I WAS DOING MY SHOW FROM A
SUPPLY CLOSET ON THE 8th FLOOR WITH THE HAIRDO OF
OF A LASCIVIOUS ENGLISH PROFESSOR.
"MY OFFICE HOURS ARE 4:00 P.M. TO BREAKFAST."
SO LET'S TAKE A LOOK BACK AT THE LEAD-UP TO JANUARY 6th,
AND HUMBLY REMIND OURSELVES WHAT WE WERE TOTALLY RIGHT ABOUT
ALL ALONG. WE JUST FOUND OUT THE TRUMP
CAMPAIGN IS ACTIVELY DISCUSSING RADICAL MEASURES TO BYPASS THE
ELECTION RESULTS. BUT ACCORDING TO A TRUMP
CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN
IS CONSIDERING ASKING "LEGISLATORS IN BATTLEGROUND
STATES, WHERE REPUBLICANS HAVE A LEGISLATIVE MAJORITY, TO BYPASS
THE STATE'S POPULAR VOTE," AND TO CHOOSE ELECTORS LOYAL TO THE
G.O.P. AND THE SITTING PRESIDENT.
WELL, LIKE LINCOLN SAID AT GETTYSBURG, "A GOVERNMENT OF THE
PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM
THIS EARTH. UNLESS I LOSE.
IN WHICH CASE, I'M KING NOW. BOW BEFORE LINCOLN!"
WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE, AFTER THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE!
TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN:
THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS! THE SHOW-MAN VERSUS THE JOE-MAN!
GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO CRUUUUUUMBLE!
>> I AM URGING MY SUPPORTERS TO GO INTO THE POLLS AND WATCH VERY
CAREFULLY. >> Stephen: "MAYBE GO HANG OUT
THERE, WEARING YOUR FAVORITE BROWN SHIRT, AND JUST, YOU KNOW,
S.S. THE SITUATION." BUT THE MOST HORRIFYING MOMENT
OF THIS, OR REALLY ANY DEBATE, WAS WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES DID NOT CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACY.
>> YOU WANT TO CALL THEM? WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL THEM?
GIVE ME A NAME. GIVE ME A NAME.
>> WHITE SUPREMICISTS, PROUD BOYS, AND RIGHT-WING MILITIA.
>> PROUD BOYS. >> PROUD BOYS, STAND BACK AND
STAND BY. >> Stephen: THE PROUD BOYS HEARD
TRUMP'S MESSAGE LOUD AND CLEAR. BECAUSE, WITHIN MINUTES, "GROUP
MEMBERS CALLED THE PRESIDENT'S COMMENT A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF
THEIR VIOLENT TACTICS." NOW, THAT'S JUST NOT FAIR.
THERE WAS NOTHING TACIT ABOUT IT.
THAT'S LIKE SAYING CARDI B. OFFERED A TACIT ENDORSEMENT OF
NATURAL LUBRICATION. NOW, HAVING SEEN TONIGHT'S
DEBATE, THERE'S TWO THINGS- >> BLAH, BLAH, BLAH BLAH BLAH.
>> Stephen: NO! NO!
GET OUT OF HERE! BACK!
BACK, BACK! IT'S IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP HIM OFF
THE FURNITURE. BUT IF TRUMP DOES END UP
LOSING... (MOUTHS "PLEASE")
I'M SURE HE WILL BE GRACIOUS WHEN HE PRETENDS THAT HE WON.
BECAUSE, ACCORDING TO "AXIOS," TRUMP PLANS TO DECLARE
PREMATURE VICTORY. PREMATURE IS NO SURPRISE.
LIKE HE ALWAYS SAYS TO HIS LADIES:
"I WAS FIRST. I WIN SEX!"
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO PRECEDENT FOR A PRESIDENT TO ACTUALLY--
>> I WIN, I WIN, I WIN-- >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!
I CAST YOU OUT! GO!
GET! I'LL TELL YOU, I'M HAPPY TO
BE HERE ON SHOWTIME, BECAUSE HOLY (BLEEP), THIS IS A WEIRD
(BLEEP) ELECTION. WE ARE NOW ABLE TO PROJECT
THAT DELAWARE HAS BEEN WON BY JOE BIDEN.
WELL, I SHOULD HOPE SO! IT'S HIS HOME STATE.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE DONALD TRUMP LOSING NEW YORK--
HE WHAT?! AND, 24 HOURS LATER, WE STILL
DON'T KNOW THE WINNER OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
>> I WIN! I WIN!
I WIN! >> Stephen: GET OUT OF HERE!
GET! GO!
SCAT! >> (HISS)
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, AT 12:45 A.M., WITH MILLIONS OF BALLOTS
STILL UNCOUNTED, AND BIDEN AHEAD IN THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE AND THE
POPULAR VOTE TRUMP TWEETED, "WE ARE WINNING BIG, BUT
THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.
WE WILL NEVER LET THEM DO IT. VOTES CANNOT BE CAST AFTER THE
'POLES' ARE CLOSED!" FIRST OF ALL, YOU'RE LITERALLY
NOT WINNING. SECOND, I REALLY DON'T THINK YOU
MEANT THAT SPELLING OF "POLLS." "I HATE IT WHEN THE POLES CLOSE.
ALL THE DANCERS LEAVE THE STAGE, AND YOU'RE LEFT ALL ALONE,
TOTALLY BROKE, COVERED IN GLITTER AND SPITTLE."
BUT, YOU KNOW, TWEET SCHMEET. IT'S NOT LIKE, RIGHT AFTER
MIDNIGHT, HE MARCHED INTO THE EAST ROOM AND DECLARED VICTORY
AND SAID "STOP COUNTING." HE WAITED UNTIL 2:00 A.M. FOR
THAT. >> WE WERE GETTING READY TO WIN
THIS ELECTION. FRANKLY, WE DID WIN THIS
ELECTION. >> Stephen: THERE IT IS.
A POWER GRAB BY A TERRIFIED STRONGMAN IN THE DEAD OF NIGHT.
CLASSIC. IF THERE'S ANYTHING 2:00 A.M. IS
KNOWN FOR, IT'S DESPERATE MOVES BY SAD LITTLE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID
TO GO HOME FEELING LIKE A LOSER. JOE BIDEN DID IT!
("CELEBRATE") HE'S OUR NEXT PRESIDENT!
IT FEELS LIKE AMERICA IS... WHAT'S THE WORD?
GREAT AGAIN. IT'S BEEN TWO DAYS SINCE THE
ELECTION WAS CALLED FOR BIDEN, AND AS OF THIS TAPING, DONALD
TRUMP HAS REFUSED TO CONCEDE. THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN HOLED UP
IN THE WHITE HOUSE TANTRUM PANTRY, WHERE THINGS ARE SO
STRESSFUL, THE "DAILY MAIL" REPORTS HIS STAFF IS LIGHTING
ROSE-SCENTED CANDLES IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOFTEN THE
ENVIRONMENT. AND TO COMBAT THE SMELL OF
FAST FOOD DELIVERED TO THE PRESIDENT.
JUST A PREVIEW OF THE INTENSE DE-STANKIFICATION
THE BIDEN-HARRIS TEAM WILL HAVE TO DO.
MIGHT BE BEST TO JUST REPLACE THE RESOLUTE DESK WITH A GIANT
GLADE PLUG-IN. OUR SOON-TO-BE FORMER PRESIDENT,
CITING BASELESS CHARGES OF NON-EXISTENT FRAUD, INSTRUCTED
GOVERNMENT LEADERS TO BLOCK COOPERATION WITH PRESIDENT-ELECT
BIDEN'S TRANSITION TEAM. HERE'S THE THING-- PEACEFUL
TRANSITIONS ARE IMPORTANT. YOU DON'T SEE ME STARTING THE
SHOW EVERY NIGHT GETTING IN A KNIFE FIGHT WITH DAVE LETTERMAN.
I WOULDN'T DARE! THE GUY'S GOT THE REACH!
THOSE HOOSIERS ARE SCRAPPY! IT HAS BEEN FIVE DAYS SINCE IT
BECAME CLEAR THAT JOE BIDEN WON THE ELECTION, AT WHICH POINT,
THE CURRENT PRESIDENT REFUSED TO CONCEDE, DUCT-TAPED HIMSELF TO
THE RESOLUTE DESK, AND SLAPPED A SIGN ON THE OVAL OFFICE DOOR
THAT SAYS "NO DEMS ALOUD." WELL, BUCKLE UP, BUDDY BOYS,
BECAUSE GETTING THIS GUY OUT OF OFFICE IS GOING TO BE A
BUMPY RIDE. YESTERDAY, THE ADMINISTRATION
REMOVED SENIOR DEFENSE OFFICIALS AND INSTALLED LOYALISTS,
TRIGGERING ALARM AT THE PENTAGON.
PRESIDENTS DON'T USUALLY SACK TOP DEFENSE OFFICIALS WHEN
THEY'RE PLANNING TO LEAVE OFFICE IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
ONE DEFENSE OFFICIAL PUT IT THIS WAY:
THESE ARE DICTATOR MOVES." YES, BUT THEY'VE INSPIRED AN
EXCITING NEW MAROON 5 REMIX. GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN
I'VE GOT THE MOVES LIKE STALIN I'VE GOT THE MOOOOO-VES
LIKE STALIN TODAY, AT AROUND 4:00 EASTERN
CRAZY TIME, THE PRESIDENT POSTED A CONSPIRACY-THEORY-FILLED RANT
ON FACEBOOK. >> WE'RE LEADING BY A LOT.
AND THEN, AT 3:42 IN THE MORNING, THERE WAS THIS.
IT WAS A MASSIVE DUMP OF VOTES. >> Stephen: AGAIN WITH THE
MASSIVE DUMPS? BUT, GIVEN HIS CHEESEBURGER AT
BEDTIME, 3:42 IN THE MORNING SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT FOR HIM.
SHOWING A SURPRISING AMOUNT OF SELF-AWARENESS, THE PRESIDENT
EVEN KNEW HOW POORLY HIS STUPIDITY WOULD BE RECEIVED.
>> EVEN WHAT I'M SAYING NOW WILL BE DEMEANED AND DISPARAGED.
BUT, THAT'S OKAY. >> Stephen: WELL, AS LONG AS
IT'S OKAY... YOU'RE A PETTY, ANGRY MAN,
DESPERATE FOR VALIDATION THAT YOU WILL NEVER RECEIVE, AND HAVE
NEVER DESERVED. AND IN 50 DAYS, YOU'LL BE OUT OF
THE WHITE HOUSE, WITHOUT THE PROTECTIONS OF EXECUTIVE POWER,
AND NO COURT IS GOING TO UPHOLD YOU PARDONING YOURSELF.
PLUS, YOU'RE UGLY, AND YOUR MOTHER DRESSES YOU FUNNY.
WE GOT A HOT NEW RECORDING OF A JAW-DROPPING PHONE CALL BETWEEN
THE PRESIDENT AND GEORGIA SECRETARY OF STATE, AND MAN
TAPING A HOSTAGE VIDEO FROM A LAQUINTA INN...
BRAD RAFFENSPERGER. >> IF WE COULD JUST GO OVER
SOME OF THE NUMBERS, I THINK IT'S PRETTY CLEAR THAT WE WON.
WE WON VERY SUBSTANTIALLY DOWN IN GEORGIA.
YOU EVEN SEE IT BY RALLY SIZE, FRANKLY.
WE'D BE GETTING 25,000 TO 30,000 PEOPLE A RALLY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, 25,000, 30,000 PEOPLE.
THAT IS A LOT OF PEOPLE. CAN'T DENY THAT.
ONE PROBLEM? RALLY SIZE DOES NOT DECIDE WHO
WINS AN ELECTION. THAT'S WHY, ON THE 20th OF
JANUARY, WE WON'T BE SWEARING IN PRESIDENT B.T.S.
"MY FELLOW AMERICANS, THE STATE OF OUR UNION IS...
(HEART FINGERS)." BUT THE MAIN THING ON HIS MIND
WAS TOMORROW'S CONGRESSIONAL CERTIFICATION OF JOE BIDEN'S
WIN. THE PRESIDENT STILL THINKS HE
HAS A CHANCE TO SOMEHOW OVERTURN THAT, PARTLY BECAUSE THE GUY
OVERSEEING THE CERTIFICATION CEREMONY IS VICE PRESIDENT,
AND FEDERALLY PROTECTED FLY-HABITAT...
MIKE PENCE. AND HE REALLY EXPECTS PENCE TO
HAVE HIS BACK ON THIS: >> I HOPE MIKE PENCE COMES
THROUGH FOR US. I HAVE TO TELL YOU.
(APPLAUSE) I HOPE THAT OUR GREAT VICE
PRESIDENT-- OUR GREAT VICE PRESIDENT--
COMES THROUGH FOR US. HE'S A GREAT GUY.
OF COURSE, IF HE DOESN'T COME THROUGH, I WON'T LIKE HIM
QUITE AS MUCH. >> Stephen: IF THIS WERE AN
AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL, THIS IS THE PART WHERE WE WOULD
TELL MIKE PENCE THAT IF THE PRESIDENT SAYS HE WON'T LIKE YOU
UNLESS YOU GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS, THEN HE DOESN'T REALLY
CARE ABOUT YOU! HE SHOULD LIKE YOU FOR WHO YOU
ARE. ALTHOUGH, WE UNDERSTAND WHY
HE WOULDN'T, BECAUSE WHO YOU ARE IS MIKE PENCE.
THOUSANDS OF MAGA PROTESTERS STORMED THE CAPITOL BUILDING.
IT'S A HORRIFYING DAY THAT WILL GO DOWN IN U.S. HISTORY...
HOWEVER MUCH LONGER THAT IS. NOW, IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING
WHAT KIND OF AMERICANS WOULD TRY TO VIOLENTLY OVERTHROW THE
GOVERNMENT, YOU GUESSED IT: IT'S THIS KIND.
IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES THAT THING ALWAYS SEEM TO SHOW UP AT
ONLY THE WORST EVENTS? YOU NEVER READ, "THE CONFEDERATE
FLAG WAS SEEN TODAY WAVING OVER FREE YOGA IN THE PARK."
TODAY, THE HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES IMPEACHED THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. I FEEL LIKE I JUST TOOK DOWN
MY DECORATIONS FROM THE LAST IMPEACHMENT!
TODAY'S VOTE IS HISTORIC, BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME,
A PRESIDENT HAS BEEN IMPEACHED TWICE.
MAKES SENSE. THIS PRESIDENT LOVES HAVING
SECONDS. (RIM SHOT)
ALSO, HE'S A TRAITOR. IN THE END, THE TAKEAWAY
FROM THIS PRESIDENCY IS, TAKE HIM AWAY.
WE HERE AT "THE LATE SHOW" HAVE BEEN COUNTING DOWN TO THIS
DAY FOR FOUR LONG YEARS. LITERALLY COUNTING.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THAT WHEN WE WERE IN THE THEATER,
THERE WAS A NUMBER IN THE BACK OF THE DOME.
AND THAT WAS THE NUMBER OF DAYS TILL THE END OF THE PRESIDENT'S
TERM. AND WE COUNTED IT DOWN EVERY
NIGHT, FOR FOUR LONG PAINFUL YEARS.
AND TONIGHT, THE NUMBER ON THE DOME HAS COUNTED DOWN TO ONE.
("HIT THE ROAD JACK" PLAYING) >> Stephen: WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW
FOR YOU TONIGHT. COMING UP, IN NEVER-SEEN-BEFORE
FOOTAGE, I GIVE THE "COLBERT QUESTIONERT" TO ETHAN HAWKE AND
ROBERT DE NIRO. STICK AROUND.