WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HAPPY FRIDAY, ONE AND ALL.
YOU MADE IT!
WE MADE IT, WE EARNED IT.
WE EARNED IT THIS WEEK COULD NOT END SOON ENOUGH BECAUSE ALL WEEK
DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN INSULTING OUR ALLIES IN
NATO AND COZYING UP TO RUSSIA.
IT'S LIKE THAT OLD SAYING: THE ENEMY OF MY ENEMY IS ALSO MY
ENEMY.
FRIENDS MAKE YOU WEAK!
( LAUGHTER ) THEN YESTERDAY, HE INVITED
VLADIMIR PUTIN TO THE WHITE HOUSE.
WE HAVE A COPY OF THE INVITATION:
PLEASE CHOOSE: CHICKEN, FISH, OR THE LAUNCH CODES.
( LAUGHTER ) BY NOW, IT'S AN ESTABLISHED FACT
THAT RUSSIAN MILITARY OFFICERS HACKED D.N.C. SERVERS TO HELP
GET DONALD TRUMP ELECTED.
BUT THIS WAS NO ONE PRONGED STRATEGY.
THEY ALSO PRONGED THE N.R.A.
WITH THEIR SPY MARIA BUTINA.
S♪ ( LAUGHTER )
SHE WAS CHARGED WITH CONSPIRACY TO ACT AS AN AGENT OF THE
RUSSIAN FEDERATION WITHIN THE UNITED STATES WITHOUT PRIOR
NOTIFICATION TO THE ATTORNEY GENERAL.
WHAT?!
I DIDN'T KNOW SPYING IS OKAY IF YOU
JUST GET THE ATTORNEY GENERAL TO SIGN A PERMISSION SLIP?
"TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN, PLEASE EXCUSE MARIA FROM THE LAW.
SINCERELY, JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD-OVICH SESSIONS."
( LAUGHTER ) PROSECUTORS ASKED THAT BUTINA BE
DETAINED AHEAD OF HER TRIAL.
THEY SAY SHE'S A FLIGHT RISK BECAUSE OF "HER HISTORY OF
DECEPTIVE CONDUCT, THE STRONG EVIDENCE OF GUILT, AND HER
EXTENSIVE FOREIGN CONNECTIONS."
OH MY GOD, DONALD TRUMP IS ALSO A FLIGHT RISK!
( LAUGHTER ) CHECK THE AIRPORT FOR A WHITE
MAN, 6'3", WIG MADE OF MOLDY HAY-- IF YOU SEE HIM FLEEING THE
COUNTRY, LET HIM GO.
( LAUGHTER ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) BUT HERE'S THE DEAL --
BUTINA DOES HAVE TIES IN THE UNITED STATES.
FOR EXAMPLE, SHE WAS IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH LONGTIME
REPUBLICAN INSIDER AND PENNYWISE WITHOUT THE MAKEUP, PAUL
ERICKSON.
THESE DAYS, ERICKSON IS A SUPER-CONNECTED POWER PLAYER IN
CONSERVATIVE POLITICS, WHICH IS A BIG STEP UP FROM HIS JOB IN
THE '90S AS "MEDIA ADVISER FOR JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT, THE MAN
WHOSE WIFE, LORENA, CHOPPED HIS PENIS OFF WITH A CARVING KNIFE."
CAN YOU IMAGINE BEING JOHN WAYNE BOBBITT'S MEDIA ADVISOR?
"JOHN, THE PUBLIC'S STARTING TO LOSE INTEREST-- HOW WOULD YOU
FEEL-- AND HEAR ME OUT-- WE CHOP OFF YOUR PENIS AGAIN?"
( LAUGHTER ) AS PART OF THAT GIG, ERICKSON
SENT BOBBITT ON AN INTERNATIONAL "LOVE HURTS" TOUR THAT INCLUDED
SELLING AUTOGRAPHED STEAK KNIVES.
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) I GUESS IT WAS EITHER THAT OR
MONOGRAMMED PENISES.
( LAUGHTER ) ERICKSON NOT ONLY BOUNCED AROUND
MANY DIFFERENT JOBS, HE ALSO MADE LOTS OF ENEMIES.
HE WAS SUED MULTIPLE TIMES FOR FRAUD, AND ONE SOURCE DESCRIBED
HIM AS KIND OF LIKE A TALLER, MORE PHYSICALLY UNAPPEALING
LEONARDO DICAPRIO IN "CATCH ME IF YOU CAN."
( LAUGHTER ) I BELIEVE THAT VERSION OF THE
MOVIE WOULD HAVE BEEN CALLED, "ANYONE WANT TO CATCH ME?
NO?
OKAY, WELL, I'LL BE HERE IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND."
( LAUGHTER ) THINGS BETWEEN ERICKSON AND
BUTINA GOT SERIOUS PRETTY QUICKLY.
THEY MOVED IN TOGETHER, BUT IT TURNS OUT THAT A 29-YEAR-OLD
RUSSIAN SPY DATING A 56-YEAR-OLD POLITICAL OPERATIVE MIGHT HAVE
ULTERIOR MOTIVES.
BECAUSE THE F.B.I. SAYS THAT, "SHE APPEARS TO TREAT THAT
RELATIONSHIP AS SIMPLY A NECESSARY ASPECT OF HER
ACTIVITIES."
WHAT?
DO YOU MEAN TO SAY A WOMAN IN HER TWENTIES WASN'T REALLY
ATTRACTED TO THIS MAN?
( LAUGHTER ) HE'S GOT A FOREHEAD THAT JUST
WON'T QUIT, LADIES.
( LAUGHTER ) WHAT PRETTY YOUNG THING WOULDN'T
WANT TO BE SEEN AROUND TOWN WITH A SHINY EGG DIPPED IN PUBES?
( LAUGHTER ) BUT HE BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY.
HE BETRAYED OUR COUNTRY.
( APPLAUSE ) BUT STRANGELY, BUTINA WAS IMMUNE
TO HIS CHARMS, BECAUSE ACCORDING TO THE LEGAL DOCUMENTS RELEASED
TODAY, SHE REPEATEDLY EXPRESSED DISDAIN FOR CONTINUING TO
COHABITATE WITH ERICKSON.
YOU THOUGHT IT WAS BAD TO GET DUMPED VIA TEXT.
HE JUST GOT DUMPED VIA COURT FILING.
( LAUGHTER ) THIS GUY HAD IT BAD FOR HER.
WHILE BUTINA WAS IN COLLEGE, SHE WOULD ROUTINELY ASK ERICKSON TO
HELP COMPLETE HER ACADEMIC ASSIGNMENTS, BY EDITING PAPERS
AND ANSWERING EXAM QUESTIONS.
"HMM, I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT MEDIEVAL EUROPEAN HISTORY.
ANY QUESTIONS ON THAT TEST ABOUT SELLING STEAK KNIVES FOR MEN
WITH SEVERED PENISES?" ( LAUGHTER )
AND SHE WASN'T JUST CHEATING ON HER TESTS, SHE WAS ALSO CHEATING
ON HIM.
BECAUSE THE FILING SAYS BUTINA "OFFERED AN INDIVIDUAL OTHER
THAN ERICKSON SEX IN EXCHANGE FOR A POSITION WITH A SPECIAL
INTEREST ORGANIZATION."
ALTHOUGH THE PERSON POLITELY EXPLAINED SHE ONLY NEEDED A
VALID LICENSE AND $50 TO JOIN A.A.A.
( LAUGHTER ) AND 24-HOUR SERVICE.
( LAUGHTER ) AND ERICKSON WASN'T BUTINA'S
ONLY CO-CONSPIRATOR.
HER BOSS BACK IN THE MOTHERLAND WAS RUSSIAN OLIGARCH AND PATTON
OSWALT OF THE EASTERN BLOC, ALEKSANDER TORSHIN.
THE F.B.I. REVEALED THAT ON ELECTION NIGHT, AFTER TRUMP WAS
DECLARED THE WINNER, BUTINA WROTE TORSHIN TO SAY, "I'M GOING
TO SLEEP.
IT'S 3:00 A.M. HERE.
I AM READY FOR FURTHER ORDERS."
BY THE WAY, "I AM READY FOR FURTHER ORDERS" IS THE THEME OF
TRUMP'S NEXT MEETING WITH PUTIN.