Yeah, not until recently have I thought
about the role my culture plays in my love life.
I'm like, 'Oh yeah, I need someone to hold emotional space,
I need physical intimacy,
I need someone that stimulates me intellectually'
but never even thought of it
from a cultural point of view, which is wild.
Who made up the needs?
Probably a white person.
My name is Grace and I'm 25.
My mum is Chinese and my dad is Taiwanese.
I'm a robotics analyst.
I own a jewellery company called Baobei
and an audio protection company called Sets,
and I'm recently single.
We broke up last night.
The relationship had me swinging on a wrecking ball.
I desperately wanted him to tend to my needs,
and then I would diminish them
in the fear of creating cracks
in a seemingly otherwise perfect relationship.
Then back again.
One thing I wanted in the relationship
was consistent domestic needs,
being able to come home together
and enjoy a sit-down meal with no distractions.
But the lifestyle that we had created together
was a little bit hectic.
It was like a lot of opportunity,
a lot of like new things popping up.
But I was craving safety and consistency.
I would tell myself that I'm overreacting
and that if I just go to enough therapy and heal myself
and heal my trauma from when I was a child,
I could receive any type of relationship.
I think the relationships that I see,
western relationships,
have been very goal-, career-orientated.
How does this person work with my career?
And in an Asian family it would be:
how does my career feed back into my family?
I see it with my mum being like,
'I want to send you to a good school for good education.
Therefore, I'm gonna need to work
seven days a week, 10 hours a day.'
She worked backwards and was like,
'What do I want for my daughter?
What do I want for my husband?'
I think I was always chasing after a relationship
that would fuel my ambition
and be really individualistic,
and I completely would ignore what my parents said
about creating a home with someone.
I grew up with one hardworking Chinese tiger mum
and one soft-spoken Taiwanese dad.
Mum immigrated to New Zealand
to chase after her potential,
build a retail empire starting from flea markets,
and she lives her life in fear
that I'll make the same mistakes she did
when she was dating.
I landed in Wellington today.
It's the first time I've been back home since my breakup.
The first thing we did was just host
a massive potluck in perfect Chinese fashion.
I was like, 'Wow, this is like in my DNA.
'This is what my ancestors would have wanted me to do,
is, yeah, bond over food and share love through flavours.'
One of my family friends,
she's Year 10 and she is,
she's awesome!
When I spent time with her,
it almost felt like I was spending time
with, like, my inner child.
I hope that she never forgets the moments
that were all around a big Lazy Susan
pouring tea for each other,
absorbing passively what our parents
are saying to each other,
watching them fight for the bill.
This is a part of who she is,
and it's very special and very sacred.
When she's older,
whether it's dating, professional life, friendships,
I hope that she remembers to pay homage to that part.
That's her roots.
That made me realise that those were the hopes
that I had for myself as well,
that perhaps I had neglected somewhere along the line.
It helped me realise that those domestic needs
are rooted in my culture,
in my upbringing, my parents' values.
Like, my dad has only started to say
that he loves me in the past few years.
And he sings it, because I think he feels uncomfortable
saying it, so has to go...
♪ I love you ♪
But he made my lunches every single day
until my last day of Year 13.
It's how we express to each other that we care.
So it feels really safe when I can have that quality time
and eat with someone.
That realisation almost took a massive weight
off my shoulders,
because I was no longer gaslighting myself to be like,
'Oh, these are unreasonable needs.'
I was like, 'No, these are part of who I am,
'and part of being Asian, and part of my heritage,
and I deserve to have them met.'
I think after every breakup, you come back home to yourself.
I trust myself.
I'm never gonna betray myself.
My next relationship,
I'd want to feel safe with this person,
to feel like my nervous system
is not activated all the time.
I don't wanna be chasing someone.
I don't wanna to be pulling away from someone.
I just wanna feel secure and safe.