My job now is to find you a good partner.
Okay.
That's what I'm gonna do.
So, you have to tell me what you're looking for.
Okay, employed.
Okay.
Nice- Okay.
Handsome-
Mm-hmm.
Tall.
I guess he doesn't have to be tall.
Why tall?
I just, I like the feeling of someone like-
Give me a height-
Enveloping me.
Because people are listening right now,
and you know what, a lot of people listen to this podcast.
This is a good chance to get this message out.
Okay.
Give me a height minimum for you.
Minimum?
I think I'm really tall, so I'm gonna say 6'2".
Okay.
Maximum 6'5".
Anything bigger, that's scary.
Wait, how tall are you?
I'm, 6'4".
Okay great, you're not scary.
No.
But if the hair is puffed up?
6'5", 6'6"?
6'7", so yeah.
No but I'm 6'4", so I would still slide in under the bar.
Okay.
Well, probably not for other reasons,
but we'll talk about those later.
Impotence.
Okay. (everyone laughing amusingly)
Old war injury.
(Nicole laughing amusingly)
So 6'2", what else about this fellow?
Let's see, employed, nice, attractive.
That's it.
Oh, we have to have things in common.
Ooh, a good sense of humor,
Right.
Likes to tee-hee-hee.
(Conan laughing loudly)
Uh-huh.
'Cause I didn't understand what you meant
by good sense of humor,
so I'm glad you said likes to tee-hee-hee.
Yeah, you know, I'm just trying to clarify.
Yep.
Big hands, I like big hands 'cause I have big hands.
That's a strange one, I have to say, "I like big hands."
Yeah, I like big hands.
Sometimes I've been hanging around with someone...
It's not something you notice right away,
but then eventually you look down,
you'll be talking to a guy,
and then you'll see that his hands are just so tiny.
So tiny.
Yeah, and it's a little...
I know what you mean, you think they're up to something.
It's a little jarring.
You ever see a "Scary Movie 2"?
A long time ago, yeah.
Oh when he's like, "Get my good hand!"
And it's just a tiny hand.
(Conan laughing amusingly)
I don't want tiny hands.
I like big meaty hands.
Okay, what if a guy tricked you and wore like fake gloves?
Or got a bunch of bee stings?
(Nicole laughing loudly)
Okay, or got a bunch of bee stings,
so he just had big mitts.
Swollen.
But they tricked you,
they tricked you because they heard this
and they checked every box, and they said,
"I can't wait now to date
and become the long-term boyfriend of Nicole Byer."
And then they reached over to shut off the app,
they had the podcast on it,
and looked down at their hand,
and it was this tiny little hand.
And they tricked you!
I guess if they went through the trouble
of getting a realistic prosthetic hand
to make it seem like a bigger hand,
I think I could forgive it.
And be like, "Wow, you really did something nice."
Right, and then in the end you realize,
"I didn't care about that all along,"
Yeah, I cared about you.
Yeah, exactly.
And then I'll be like, "I'm shallow"
And then I go through a journey
and they've taught me so much, and it's great!
So, that's my love story!
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Well,
their hands have to be big enough to honk my titties.
I was just thinking that,
if they're too tiny you'll get more of a...
(Conan squeaking loudly)
(Conan honking loudly)
(Conan squeaking loudly)
Is this doin' it for you, Nicole?
Big honks. (Nicole laughing amusingly)
(Conan squeaking loudly)
Oh God, no it's-
No, I just need big honks.
(Conan squeaking loudly)
Oh my God,
get your prosthetic hand out and honk on my titties!
Hold on a second, I'll go get it.
(Conan whirring comedically)
Hi, Nicole! (Conan honking loudly)
(Nicole squealing comedically)
And that's me coming.
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Do you ever say that as your orgasm,
"And that's me coming!"
(Nicole laughing amusingly)
That'd be fantastic to announce it that way.
You know what, I think I might.
That's really funny.
You should look to a camera.
You should have a camera there
so that you can look to the camera, "And that's me coming."
And that's me coming! (Nicole giggling amusingly)
And then little credits come up,
"Produced by, directed by."
Conan, are you putting me in a porn?
Well, yes.
I don't think I could do a porn.
You don't think so?
I don't think so,
just 'cause I'd be like worried about my performance
and the angles.
Mm-hmm.
That's about it.
(everyone laughing amusingly)
So, all the other questions that might come up
wouldn't bother you at all,
"What's this doing for my psyche?" All that kinda stuff.
No, I think that's all fine.
Okay.
I'm just like, "The angles, like do we have them all?"
Right.
And then also it's like, you've shot like scripted shit,
you get it from like different angles,
like a wide, a mid, a close-up, like-
Yeah, yeah.
Do they do that in porn?
Well first of all,
the times I've been involved in porn
or even contemplated it,
I've always insisted on director's cut.
Ah.
I wanna be able to sign off on the final product and say,
"I'm not happy with this shot,
I'm not happy with that shot."
Many of my comments about my work,
my complaints have been about my actual body.
So, we've done CGI and stuff like that.
I see.
We've enhanced everything
and we've come up with a very different product in the end.
But if you ask for control, you'll be quite happy.
Okay.
I feel like you're doing a bit,
but I think that's good advice, to have full control.
I love that for a second, you thought
I was actually really contemplating doing a porno.
I don't know, maybe, I've thought about it.
No you haven't, you haven't really though about it.
But, I don't know if it's good money.
I'm just gonna... I don't know.
I don't know either.
I don't think it would be good money.
You're looking at me?
We both looked at you. (Nicole laughing amusingly)
And it is, trust me, it's great money.
But, is it?
Oh no, it can't be, unless you're a name I think.
'Cause there's a lotta porn. You have to be a name.
How do you become a name in porn?
Well you're already a name,
so you could just go into porn and then you've done it,
you know what I mean?
Mmm.
You go and reverse engineer it.
I'm gonna say, I don't know.
First of all, I don't think the money would be that great.
Me either.
I really don't think so.
What about soft-core, like Skinemax porn?
Does that still exist?
It should.
(Nicole laughing awkwardly)
You know, I'm sure it does.
"It should."
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Where things get all-
What are you looking at?
Where it's all foggy.
Yeah, like filmed through Vaseline
or like panty hose on the lens,
and not because of a cinematic technique.
(everyone laughing gently)
It just was random that there was panty hose-
It just got thrown.
Just got thrown and they said, "Keep rolling."
Yeah.
No, I think these are all bad ideas.
Okay.
I think these are all bad ideas.
I think the important thing that you should stick to is...
I like this mission that you have
to find a real person to be with
who's gonna be your partner, your confidant,
your best bud.
That's what you want.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think that's good.
Yeah, whenever a couple's just like,
"That's my best friend!"
I'm like, "Ooh, that seems nice.
A best friend that you get to fuck?
That's like a double double."
I've had a hard time finding that Hallmark card.
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Where's "the best friend I like to fuck" cards?
"Right over here.
Here we go, here we go, right here."
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Well, the only thing is...
I mean over the years, and when you've been talking to me,
you've been quite vocal about physical attributes.
You're looking for a guy, and sexual needs,
and things like that, and so that might be intimidating-
I forgot, I would like a big dick.
I know, but-
I can't believe I forgot that!
Yeah, but that may be intimidating to some guys
who feel they don't measure up in that department.
Okay.
And then they're then they think, "Well, I can't."
And maybe there's a guy who is just sort of normal, average,
and he'd be a fantastic partner for you-
Okay.
But, he now feels that that's not possible.
I'll revise it.
I would like a dick that's nice.
What do you mean?
Nice like kind?
Yes, a kind, giving dick.
It does volunteer work.
(Nicole laughing loudly)
It does volunteer work.
Yeah, it feeds hungry children.
It tithes, it gives up 10% of its income to charities.
I like a tithing dick.
(Nicole laughing amusingly)
It's just gives a very good-
Complimenting dick. Good services.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
No, just like nice to look at.
A handsome dick, you want a handsome dick.
A handsome one, yeah.
Or, someone who knows how to use it.
Or we can just go get another one,
you could get a little dildo or something if-
Oh, I thought you meant have a transplant.
No!
(everyone laughing amusingly)
I don't think they do that.
They don't.
'Cause who's donating their dick?
They do not, they do not.
Trust me, trust me.
(Nicole giggling loudly)
Trust me, they do not and it's a crime!
(everyone laughing amusingly)
Maybe one day in the future, they will!
We're the richest country in the world,
with the most sophisticated...
And you'd think
that people would put a little bit of effort!
They'll put one right next to it,
but they won't swap it out!
Right next to...
I have seven different sizes.
Like a pan flute?
Yes, it's a pan flute basically.
You can play all kinds of complicated songs on it.
(Conan laughing amusingly)