(audience applauding) - Happy to be back here in LA,
'cause I'm traveling a lot y'all.
I do a lot of traveling for comedy
so whenever I can do shows here in LA, like, I love it.
I love it, absolutely.
I love my LA audience, 'cause y'all,
y'all not easy to please.
- [Audience Member] Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
(audience laughs)
- 'Cause there's a lot of ****
going on in LA, like, it's like
am I gonna go to the comedy show
or am I gonna go to the "Grammys," *****?
Like, I get it. (audience laughs)
I get it, I get it.
I know there was a drink with this ticket
so I know that's why y'all here.
Thank you for coming. (audience laughs and cheers)
We appreciate that.
I've been doing a lot of traveling.
I was just recently in Edmonton, Alberta, Canada.
(audience cheers)
No. (audience laughs)
They tricked me. (everyone laughs)
They had a ***** excited for nothing.
(audience laughs)
Okay, when I landed I was excited,
the comedy club sent me a little email.
They were like, "We got you in the best hotel in town."
Let me tell y'all something.
(audience laughs)
When someone says it's the best hotel in town,
look at the town ************.
(audience laughs)
'Cause that's saying a lot.
Like, if they had booked me at the Ritz Carlton,
they would've said like, "*****, you going to the Ritz."
They wouldn't say the best hotel in town.
(audience laughs)
The best hotel in town make me think
that every other hotel is a motel.
You understand me? (audience laughs)
So I get there, I pull up y'all
to the Fantasy World Hotel.
(audience laughs)
I check in, the girl behind the counter's all excited.
She's like, "Are you the comic for the weekend?"
I say, "Yeah."
She goes, "They broke the bank with your room."
(audience laughs)
I said, "Oh, ****,"
I thought I had me a suite or something.
I said, "What they did?"
She said, "They gave you one of our themed rooms."
Now... (audience laughs)
I said, *****, "What's the theme?"
(audience laughs)
'Cause I might not like that ****.
(audience laughs)
I don't like what you like, you know?
She goes (chuckles) "Well, they gave you
our Western-themed room." (audience laughs)
Now I'm from California, I heard West.
I said, "Hell yeah, take me to the West Coast room."
(audience laughs)
I thought it was gonna be pictures
of Nipsey on the wall and ****.
(audience laughs)
Make a ***** comfortable in Canada.
(audience laughs)
You know?
I get off the elevator, y'all.
I got to the front of the hotel room door.
Now ain't nothing supposed to be on that
except the hotel room number.
(audience laughs)
There was a picture of a horse's face.
(audience laughs)
And I'm not talking about like some majestic black beauty.
The horse was a... (audience laughs)
Like, I'm like this motherfucker's gonna bite.
(audience laughs)
This was a lot for the front of the door.
(audience laughs)
What's behind? (audience laughs)
I'm nervous.
I open the door, it's a huge hotel room,
but it's weird as hell.
(audience laughs)
In the middle of the room there was a hot tub.
This bothered me.
(audience laughs)
'Cause cowboys didn't have that ****.
(audience laughs)
If we sticking to theme, *****.
(audience laughs)
And then I'm looking at it
and it wasn't even, like, they put any effort.
I'm talking about the hot tub was,
it was carpet-adjacent.
There was no tile.
This is an above ground pool in the ************* room.
This nasty.
(audience laughs)
But they were paying.
So, I'm like, "We can deal with it."
So I started looking around the room
trying to capture the theme a little bit more.
There's pictures of, like, cactuses
and cowboys and just white people **** everywhere.
(audience laughs)
And then I get to the bed.
My bed, y'all, was a life-size
replica of a horse and carriage.
(audience laughs)
Complete with wheels.
(audience laughs)
Yeah, the ************ moved if you did too much,
and I'm talking about you fart,
it'd send you across the room.
(audience laughs)
And that's not even the weird part.
At the head of the bed where I'm laying all night,
there was a life-size mannequin of a white man
who was riding the horse that was pulling my bed.
I'm, like, "This is Harriet Tubman's dorm room.
Get me the **** outta here."
(audience laughs)
Fantasy world, whose fantasy is this?
(audience laughs)
This is some weird ****.
Black people don't fantasize about no **** like that.
(audience laughs)
The Western time? Hell, no.
We was going through some ****.
We don't fantasize about that.
(audience laughs)
We don't talk about that,
but the 29 days of February this year,
we gonna talk about that and that's it.
That hotel had me nervous, y'all.
I **** near had to use a green book to get to the bathroom.
I'm like this is a lot for me. (audience laughs and applauds)
You know? I just knew.
I'm like, any moment Jonathan Major's
gonna come outta somewhere and call me his Coretta.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Where is this *****? (audience laughs)
(Kalea laughs)
They be confusing us 'cause we got the same hair,
but it ain't me *****.
(audience laughs)
I did not choke you.
You know? (audience laughs)
So (laughs) I'm stressed out in this hotel room.
I'm like, "I got five days in this *****."
I'm like, "There's no way that I can get
through these nights without at least smoking some weed,
'cause it's a lot for me."
Get to the comedy club,
start talking to some of the comics.
One of them comes up to me, he's like,
"Kalea, you came from LA, right?"
I'm like, "Yeah."
He was like, "Do you smoke weed?"
I'm like, "This weekend, yes." (audience laughs)
Yes. Got me in this antebellum hotel room, yeah.
(audience laughs)
And he's like, "Well, you know,
do you wanna kick it after the show?
I'll get ya some tree, da, da, da, da."
I'm like, "Yeah we can kick it."
He's like, "Oh, I don't live far from Edmonton."
Now I don't just hop in the car
with any old white person,
so I need to know exactly where I'm going.
I'm like, "Well, where are we going?"
He's like, "Well, my hometown is the next town over.
Y'all can Google it."
I said "Well, what's the name of the town?"
This man looked me in my eyes
and I was like, "Oh, it's a little city called Slave Lake."
I looked at him. (audience laughs)
That was the first time I had ever called
a white person ******.
I said, "******, what?" (audience laughs and applauds)
You not about to have me sleeping
in this Mason Dixon line hotel room
and smoking slave weed.
I've seen this movie, ************.
(audience laughs)
I was looking for Jordan Peele like, nope, get out.
What is this? (audience laughs)
I'm never going back.
I did learn a little something though.
I learned a little something while I was there.
Y'all ever heard of poutine?
- [Audience] Yeah.
- Okay, well I hadn't.
(audience laughs)
Y'all, I'm at this restaurant,
I thought me and the waitress was flirting with each other.
(audience laughs)
You hear me?
'Cause we vibing a little bit.
She gonna come up to me after my meal and she was like,
"Can I interest you in some dessert poutine?"
(audience laughs and applauds)
I said, "Hell, yeah, you could interest
me in some dessert *****.
Why? What we got going on?"
(audience laughs)
I didn't know, I followed the ***** to the back.
(audience laughs)
I did not know that poutine was french fries
with cheese curds and gravy.
I said, "*****, you need to call that **** french fries
with cheese and gravy."
(audience laughs)
"'Cause it sound like ***** to me."
(audience laughs)
You ask me if I want some poutine,
I'm thinking we about to be gum to gum *****.
(audience laughs)
You hear me?
And I'll be dental damned if you waste my time up in here.
(audience laughs)
I don't got no time to waste,
'cause like in my defense,
like poutine sound like something I'm a call it
about 30 years from now, you understand me?
(audience laughs)
Right, like when you stop wearing panties full time,
it's a poutine.
(audience laughs)
What you doing today?
"Oh, just chilling, letting my poutine air out
'cause it's hot."
(audience laughs and applauds)
I didn't know, that ***** done ruin my favorite food.
I can't eat french fries without getting moist.
(audience laughs)
Like Five Guys is a problem for me
with what the **** they be doing
with the poutine over there.
(audience laughs)
(Kalea laughs)
About a month ago, y'all, I was in Omaha, Nebraska.
(audience groans) I know.
(audience laughs)
Y'all, I feel like I'm on a civil rights tour right now.
(audience laughs)
Everywhere we were done wrong, ******,
I'm here to do it right.
(audience laughs)
Soon as we landed I turned my phone on,
it said that it was six degrees outside.
(audience moans)
I said, "*****, of separation?"
(audience laughs)
'Cause we not talking about the air.
That's a lot, six degrees.
My dad called me, he's like,
"Kalea, you need to turn your location on.
It ain't no black people in Omaha."
(audience laughs)
Turned my location on
and I started mulling around the city a little bit.
I like to get to know places,
that's how I connect with my audience.
Especially, like, if I've never been there before,
my first show and it was like the longer I was there,
the more I realized I don't think
that there are no black people in Omaha.
I just think that it's that cold
(audience laughs)
that folk are ashy as ****
in Omaha. (audience laughs)
Like, I don't know if you've ever tried
to put lotion on in six degree, *****,
it go back in the bottle, it's not coming off.
(audience laughs)
Right now us nigger's translucent in Omaha as we speak.
(audience laughs)
And, like, I came to this scientific conclusion
(audience laughs)
'cause after my first show I'm doing meet and greet
and a whole *** white lady come up to me
and she was like, "That **** was funny as hell, my ******."
And I looked at her.
(audience laughs)
'Cause nobody else thought this was weird but me.
I looked at her a little closer.
I did like this right here.
I said, "Oh, ****, thank you, sis."
(audience laughs) Appreciate you.
She was ashy.
Ashy. (audience laughs)
I almost quit comedy on the spot.
I'm, like, "If I could sell Vaseline in Omaha,
I could be Wanda Buffet out this ************.
I don't need to tell jokes, you know?
They teased me when I first got there,
when I got to the club,
when I walked in I had my little mask on.
Y'all remember the little mask?
The little N95 mask, had my mask on.
Hostess says to me, "Ugh, you must be the LA comic,"
(audience laughs)
"because you're so COVID-conscious."
I'm looking at this *****, it's six degrees.
(audience laughs)
I said, "*****, I'm trying to keep my lips
from falling off my ******* face right now."
(audience laughs)
'Cause you gotta understand I'm a lesbian,
this is my dick, this is all I got."
(audience laughs and applauds)
I don't play about my mouth.
If you see me with a mask,
it ain't got **** to do with the disease.
Like, *****, I got somewhere to be tonight.
(audience laughs)
And I'm trying to protect this ****.
I can't be walking up in no woman house with chapped dick.
You hear me?
(audience laughs)
She not gonna wanna see the rest of the package.
(audience laughs)
Six degrees, that shrinkage.
Would you pull your dick out in six degrees?
(audience laughs) It would disappear.
That's why, like, I can't be eating ***** like that.
Hell, no. (audience cheers)
That's why I ain't let no white girls eat me out yet
'cause that's how they lips look.
I'll be, like, *****, you better.
(audience laughs)
You bit me, ouch.
Don't like that, you know? (laughs)
I wanna get a quick feel for y'all real quick.
Make some noise if you got your asses whooped as children.
(audience laughs and applauds)
That's why you're good people.
(audience laughs)
Nobody in here was gently parented, were they?
(audience laughs)
Wasn't nothing gentle about it, no.
You can't do that anymore.
You can't whoop kids' ***.
I mean, you can, but not like in Target.
You get in trouble for that ****.
(audience laughs)
You end up on TikTok and all that.
That's some ********.
'Cause I got two young nieces,
so I'm learning a lot about,
like, school-age kids through them.
Like, that sounded weird, no R. Kelly ****,
but you get what I'm saying.
(audience laughs)
Did you know that if your child has a birthday
during the school year and they have a birthday party
that it is highly suggested
that they invite the entire class
to the birthday party so that nobody feels left out.
Did you know that?
- [Audience] No.
- That's some ********.
(audience laughs)
'Cause it's like back in our day
if somebody had a birthday, *****,
and everybody got an invite but you,
you knew you had some **** to work on, ************.
(audience laughs)
Change yourself.
(audience laughs)
You know what I'm talking about?
Like, we going to Chuck E. Cheese, you staying.
(audience laughs)
And don't come to school on Monday
'cause we gonna be talking about that ****.
(audience laughs)
You gotta start faking the tummy ache,
like, right after church, *****,
'cause you weren't invited.
Now all these kids think they good people
'cause everybody getting the invite.
I'm on the flight the other day,
soon as we land flight attendant
goes running past me on the flight.
I thought it was a ******* emergency.
(audience laughs)
There was an unaccompanied minor couple rows back.
She goes up to him, gives him a sticker
and says, "Congratulations."
Now I'm looking at the little boy
'cause I ain't see him do ****.
(audience laughs)
Now, I was drunk so I could have missed it.
(audience laughs)
But I didn't see it.
So I look at him, I was like, "Hey man, what'd you do, man?
You got a sticker, what'd you do?"
(audience laughs)
Yeah, I talk to kids the same way I talk to my dog.
"What'd you do?" (audience laughs)
He just looked at me.
I was like, "All right, I get it."
'Cause this is a lot in the airport.
I'm put together, in the airport,
*****, I'm they, them, all the way.
You don't know what the **** going on.
(audience laughs)
Just give me the tequila, *****, don't worry about it.
(audience laughs)
So, I basically scared the **** out this little boy.
So then I look at the flight attendant
and I was like, "Ma'am," I was like, "What did he do?"
I was like, "You told him congratulations,
let's give him a shout out or something, what did he do?"
(audience laughs)
She looked at me (chuckles)
and she was like, "Well, you know,
he made it through the flight."
(audience laughs)
"Without crying." (audience laughs)
I said, "*****, give me, so did I.
What are we talking about?"
(audience laughs)
So did I. (audience laughs)
Like, if you don't want me to be drunk at 8:00 a.m.,
don't open the Delta Lounge, *****.
Gimme my ******* sticker.
(audience laughs)
I done sat on that flight.
I watched "The Fox and the Hound."
(audience laughs)
I watched "The Notebook" and I did not shed a tear.
Like, I deserve something for that.
(audience laughs)
Those movies are sad sober.
So, listen. (audience laughs)
So I'm not gonna lie to you.
I bumped into the little boy on the jetway
and I took his ****.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Welcome to the world, ************.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Now I'm Delta's number one junior pilot, you hear me?
(audience laughs)
Y'all think I'm bullshitting?
This is the sticker right here
that I took from that little boy.
(audience laughs) And that's for you, yeah.
Congratulations, give it up for my girl right here.
(audience laughs and applauds)
You like that ****, don't you?
(audience laughs)
You single? (audience laughs)
Oh, she nervous now.
Yeah, Black History Month coming up, you single?
(audience laughs)
'Cause I need a 29-day sponsor, *****.
You here for it? (audience laughs)
(vibrant music)