WE CAWELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
I'M STEPHEN COLBERT, AND NOT ONLY IS THIS AUDIENCE ALIVE,
TONIGHT WE ARE LIVE BROADCASTING FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BOOM!
LIVE MEANS IN THE EXCITEMENT OF THE MOMENT, IF I MAKE A MISTAKE,
IT CAN NEVER BE TAKEN BACK.
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO KEEP THAT IN MIND, WHEN YOU GO VOTE THIS NEXT
NOVEMBER.
NEVER CAN BE TAKEN BACK.
>> Jon: PLEASE DO.
>> Stephen: SO DEEP BREATH, EVERYBODY.
LET'S COME UP FOR AIRPORT WE ALL JUST WATCHED DONALD TRUMP AND
HILLARY CLINTON DEBATE FOR AN HOUR AND A HALF.
COMING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE, DEMOCRATS WERE DIVIDED BETWEEN
TWO STRONG EMOTIONS, PANIC AND PANTS-CRAPPING.
( LAUGHTER ) DEMOCRATS HAVE NOT BEEN THIS
NERVOUS SINCE ANTHONY WEINER ASKED TO BORROW THEIR PHONE.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: WHOOPS!
>> Stephen: OF COURSE, I WOULDN'T DO IT.
NOT WORTH IT.
>> Jon: NO.
>> Stephen: THE EXPECTATIONS FOR THE TWO SIDES WERE VERY
DIFFERENT.
FOR HILLARY TO WIN, HAD TO BE CONFIDENT, NOT SMUG,
KNOWLEDGEABLE WITHOUT BEING KNOW IT ALL, CHARMING BUT NOT
AFFECTED, COMMANDING BUT NOT SHRILL, LIKABLE, WARM,
AUTHORITATIVE AND NOT COUGHING.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, DONALD TRUMP HAD TO
NOT COMMIT MURDER.
( LAUGHTER ) ON CAMERA.
( LAUGHTER ) AND THAT LOW BAR WAS REFLECTED
IN DONALD TRUMP'S DEBATE PREP.
INSTEAD OF DOING A BUNCH OF MOCK DEBATES, THE WORD IS THAT HE SAT
DOWN WITH FRIENDS OVER BACON CHEESEBURGERS, HOT DOGS AND
GLASSES OF COCA-COLA AND TESTED OUT ZINGERS.
WOW!
THAT'S HOW I PREPARED FOR TONIGHT'S DEBATE, TOO!
( LAUGHTER ) AND HE MAY NOT HAVE PREPARED,
BUT IT ALSO LOOKED LIKE HE DIDN'T.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, HILLARY WAS SO
PREPARED, MY NEW NICKNAME FOR HER IS PREPARATION H.
( LAUGHTER ) YEAH, IT'S A COMPLIMENT.
IN THE PRIMARIES, SHE ALREADY PROVED SHE COULD SOOTHE THE
BURN.
( LAUGHTER ) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
OF COURSE, IT DID NOT TAKE LONG FOR ONE OF THESE TWO CANDIDATES
TO TELL A LIE.
>> DONALD, IT'S GOOD TO BE WITH YOU.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: FALSE!
WHERE ARE THE FACTS CHECKERS?
WHERE ARE THE FACT CHECKERS?
PINOCCHIO!
THEN SECRETARY CLINTON WENT ON THE OFFENSIVE ON THE TOPIC OF
CLIMATE CHANGE.
>> DONALD THINKS THAT CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX PERPETRATED BY
THE CHEESE.
I THINK IT'S REAL.
>> I DID NOT.
T'S SCIENCE -- DO NOT SAY THAT.
>> Stephen: LET'S GO TO THE TWEET.
DONALD TRUMP TWEETED THE CONCEPT OF GLOBAL WARMING WAS CREATED
FOR AND BY THE CHEESE TO MAKE U.S. MANUFACTURING
NONCOMPETITIVE.
LOOK, IN ALL FAIRNESS, THERE IS A CHANCE THAT TWEET WAS CREATED
BY THE CHEESE TO MAKE TRUMP NON-COMPETITIVE.
YOU DON'T KNOW.
( APPLAUSE ) YOU DON'T KNOW.
>> Jon: WE DON'T KNOW!
>> Stephen: FOR MONTHS NOW, DONALD TRUMP HAS QUESTIONED
HILLARY'S HEALTH REPEATEDLY, AND I GOTTA SAY, THERE WAS ONE
POSSIBLE HEALTH SCARE ON STAGE TONIGHT.
TRUMP SOUNDED LIKE HE WAS FIGHTING OFF A COLD WITH
COCAINE -- (SNIFF, SNIFF)
>> WE HAVE TO RENEGOTIATE OUR TRADE DEALS WITH MEXICO --
(SNIFF, SNIFF) ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: HE SOUNDED LIKE THE COKED UP BEST MAN IN THE
BATHROOM AT A WEDDING.
NO, NO.
YOU GUYS, I GOT IT -- SNIFF -- I KNOW HOW TO FIX THE ECONOMY.
LET'S GO IN TOGETHER -- SNIFF -- BUY A BOAT.
WE'RE GOING TO START A RESTAURANT TOGETHER!
(SNIFF) ( LAUGHTER )
HE WAS LIKE SCAR FACE BUT WITH MORE FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) THE DEBATE WAS MODERATED BY
NBC'S LESTER HOLT WHICH MAKES SENSE SINCE HE HOSTED DATELINE
AND IS USED TO TWO RICH WHITE PEOPLE WHO WANT TO MURDER EACH
OTHER ( LAUGHTER )
AND AT TIMES THE CROWD WAS A LITTLE ROWDIER AN ALLOWED IN THE
RULES AND LESTER HOLT HAD TO SCOLD THEM.
>> LET ME ADMONISH THE AUDIENCE ONE MORE TIME THERE WAS AN
AGREEMENT.
WE ASKED YOU TO BE SILENT.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT, SO HELP ME I WILL TURN THIS DEBATE
AROUND AND NEITHER ONE OF THESE PEOPLE WILL BE PRESIDENT.
STOP CLAPPING.
TRUMP -- NO, NO CLAPPING.
WHERE WAS I.
OKAY.
TRUMP WENT ON TO EXPLAIN WHY HILLARY'S DETAILED PLAN TO
DEFEAT I.S.I.S. WAS A BAD IDEA.
>> LOOK AT HER WEB SITE -- YOU KNOW WHAT?
IT'S NO DIFFERENT THAN.
THIS SHE'S TELLING US HOW TO FIGHT I.S.I.S.
JUST GO TO HER WEB SITE.
SHE TELLS YOU HOW TO FIGHT I.S.I.S. ON HER WEB SITE.
I DON'T THINK GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR WOULD LIKE THAT TOO
MUCH.
>> Stephen: YEAH, GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR WOULD BE,
LIKE, WHAT IS THIS WEB SITE YOU HAVE?
AND WHAT IS THIS -- WHY IS IT ASKING ME TO DONATE $50 TO A
HILLARY CLINTON?
( LAUGHTER ) NOW, WHEN THE TOPIC MOVED ON TO
RACIAL STRIFE IN THIS COUNTRY WHICH IS A TOUCHY SUBJECT, TRUMP
FELT HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS.
>> FIRST OF ALL, SECRETARY CLINTON DOESN'T WANT TO USE A
COUPLE OF WORDS, AND THAT'S "LAW" AND "ORDER."
(LAW AND ORDER THEME SOUND BYTE) >> Stephen: THAT'S A CHEAP
JOKE AND SERIOUS SUBJECT.
YOU WERE SAYING?
I'M SORRY.
>> WE HAVE TO BRING BACK LAW AND ORDER
(LAW AND ORDER THEME SOUND BYTE) >> Stephen: VERY GOOD SHOW.
WE SHOULD BRING THAT BACK.
HE'S RIGHT.
FACT CHECK.
A VERY GOOD SHOW.
WE MISS YOU SAM WATERSTON.
( LAUGHTER ) STILL WHEN IT COMES TO PUBLIC
SAFETY AND NATIONAL SECURITY, TRUMP WAS PROUD OF HIS
ENDORSEMENTS.
>> I WAS JUST ENDORSED BY ICE.
>> Stephen: NOW, ACTUALLY, I DON'T THINK IMMIGRATIONS AND
CUSTOMS ENFORCEMENT IS ALLOWED TO ENDORSE A PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE.
IN FAIRNESS, HE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TALKING ABOUT BEING ENDORSED BY
VANILLA ICE.
IT SURE WASN'T ICE T.
IT WASN'T PHYSICAL SCUMPLET HE ALSO KNOWS ABOUT CYBERSECURITY.
>> AS FAR AS SCIESH, I AGREE, CYBER --
>> Stephen: YEAH!
HE KNOWS A LOT ABOUT CYBERRING.
HAS AMERICA TRIED UNPLUGGING TERRORISM AND PLUGGING IT BACK
IN JUST TO REBOOT THE MIDDLE EAST?
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
AND TRUMP WENT ON TO EXPLAIN THAT HE DIDN'T KNOW IF THE
RUSSIANS HACKED THE D.N.C., IT COULD HAVE BEEN SOMEONE ELSE.
>> IT ALSO COULD BE SOMEBODY SITTING ON THEIR BED THAT WEIGHS
400 POUNDS, OKAY?
( AUDIENCE REACTS ) >> Stephen: HEY!
I DON'T CARE IF IT IS ESSENTIAL TO THE SECURITY OF OUR COUNTRY,
WE DO NOT SAY THINGS LIKE THAT!
NO!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MAYBE WE DO.
THEN TRUMP TOLD THE BIGGEST LIE OF THE DEBATE.
>> I THINK MY STRONGEST ASSET MAYBE BY FAR IS MY TEMPERAMENT.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: MAYBE.
OF COURSE, WE'LL NEVER KNOW IF HIS TEMPERAMENT IS REALLY HIS
STRONGEST ASSET BECAUSE HE WON'T RELEASE HIS TAX RETURNS.
( APPLAUSE ) DO YOU REALIZE HOW LESTER HOLT
IS ANGRY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW FOR CLAPPING?
( LAUGHTER ) AND AT THE END OF THE DEBATE,
THINGS REALLY STARTED TO GO OFF THE RAILS.
>> THIS IS A MAN WHO HAS CALLED WOMEN PIGS, SLOBS AND DOGS, AND
SOMEONE WHO HAS SAID PREGNANCY IS AN INCONVENIENCE TO
EMPLOYERS -- >> NEVER SAID THAT.
AND WOMEN -- NEVER SAID THAT.
THOUGH I DID SAY THE SLOB THING AND IT WAS FUNNY.
( LAUGHTER ) SO WE GOT THROUGH IT.
WE MANAGED TO GET THROUGH 90 MINUTES OF THESE TWO PEOPLE ON
STAGE GOING AT EACH OTHER'S THROATS.
IN TEND, THERE WAS REALLY ONLY ONE WORD THAT SUMMED UP HOW THIS
WHOLE DEBATE, THIS WHOLE ELECTION FEELS AND DONALD TRUMP
CAPTURED IT.
>> WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.
>> Stephen: WRONG.
WRONG.
( APPLAUSE ) WRONG.
THE ONLY PHRASE HE SAYS MORE OFTEN IS "I DO."
WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHEN WE COME BACK, WE'LL FIND
OUT IF TONIGHT'S DEBATE CHANGED ANY MINDS, PLUS WE'VE GOT ROB
LOWE AND KAL PENN!
SO STICK AROUND, EVERYBODY!