- It's so refreshing to not have to worry.
I don't have to put on a front,
I don't have to pretend things are great,
I don't have to care what I look like.
You just show up, 'cause they show up.
And I think that like close connection is invaluable
and to not cultivate those relationships
can be detrimental, you know?
And I think sometimes when we're not feeling good,
we wanna isolate.
Hey, everybody, today we're gonna talk about
improving our self-talk and body image
because it's so difficult.
And I brought my good friend Khalyla here
to share her insights.
Khalyla, tell where they can find you and what you do.
- I am a podcaster.
I do a podcast with my ex-boyfriend,
and one of my best friends, Bobby Lee, called "Tiger Belly".
I also do one with comedians Annie Lederman
and Esther Povitsky called "Trash Tuesday".
- And I love them both,
you should check them out.
They actually get into mental health stuff quite often,
which I do enjoy.
A lot of it's funny, but a lot of it's serious.
- Yeah.
I think that we just tell our stories
and, you know, sometimes we find relief
in telling the most horrible things about ourselves
in a more like comedic way.
- If you can't laugh about it, you know,
that's what I always say to some people,
it's like you don't have to be serious all the time.
- Right.
- Like, it's exhausting, right?
Which is why today we wanna talk about
improving body image and self-talk.
(relaxing music)
So you grew up,
just for a little background, you were a swimmer.
How did that affect body image
being a competitor?
- Well, I grew up in the Philippines
and I had very, how do you call it,
a helicopter mom.
Who was fixated in my sister and my's athletic prowess.
And so by the time my sister and I were 9, 10 years old,
we were part of the national team.
- [Kati] Wow. - And what that meant was
we were already doing two-a-day practices.
By the time I was eight years old,
I was in the water at 5:00 AM, school,
and then as soon as school was over,
back to the water I was.
- Wow.
- And I think
my mom, who was really into fitness
and into her own aesthetic
put a lot of pressure, I grew up with a mom,
I could hear her counting calories and macros all day long.
- Wow.
- I don't remember a time when she picked up a food
and didn't outwardly count something.
- Oh, so she would like, you would hear her out loud
saying like, "Oh, I could have X amount,
it's gonna be this."
- Right. - She was running numbers
doing the gazintas.
- Right, so, and then I would see her buy SlimFast products.
I would see her buy senna tea as like the laxative effect.
And this was like in the nineties and, you know,
there wasn't a lot of conversation about eating disorders.
I mean, certainly not something I could understand
even at eight years old anyways.
- Yeah.
- But still, you know,
it's a conversation I heard all the time in my family.
- Yeah, totally.
And same, my mom was a weight watcher,
up and down diet person.
And I was even thinking about this recently,
I don't know if this applies to you too,
but I grew up in the family,
I mean a lot of my family was really poor,
and so having food was like a good thing
and you should clean your plate.
And I remember like grandmas, aunts, uncles,
everybody like asking if I was hungry for more.
Like, I'd already finished something,
but before I could answer, it was like more was on my plate.
You know, you don't wanna waste the food.
- Yeah, similar, similar.
I think that food is a blessing
and every morsel of rice should be cleaned off the plate.
On top of that, my mom was, again,
because she was so fixated on my sister and I
being these athletes, she would almost create this,
like high caloric menu for us.
For breakfast, say for instance,
she would feed us pork chop, rice, two eggs, six tomatoes,
I always remember it was six tomatoes,
and a big glass of milk.
And I was in the 10 year old body.
And I remember think telling her,
"I cannot consume this much, I am full."
There was no such thing as full.
- Yeah.
- Also, I could not control what I could and could not eat
because I was spoonfed until the age of almost 13.
- Wow.
So do you remember then the first time
coming outta that, like making your own decisions for food,
was that hard?
- Yeah, especially when swimming was competitive,
swimming was out of my life.
I must have put on 25 pounds almost immediately,
because it's like I have some autonomy now
and I just didn't know how to choose for myself.
It was both like, oh now I can get to do all of this,
but then there was a lot of shame and guilt.
All decisions food related involved some kind of like shame
or uncertainty
'cause I just didn't know how to choose from myself.
- Yeah, and that makes sense.
You were never given the opportunity.
So how have you,
'cause I know you work on yourself a lot,
which is, you know, part of why I love you so much,
because you're doing that hard work and it is fucking hard.
But like, are there certain things you've done
to help mitigate like negativity or food,
like issues with food?
What was, yeah...
- I'll say it's an ongoing struggle still.
But how I've been able to be kinder to myself about it
is a couple things.
I don't own a weighing scale.
- I love that.
- I go by feeling.
I tell myself if I feel strong, if I am moving,
I feel strong and I look at food as nourishment,
I don't look at it as macros or calories
or they're trying to-
I've kind of just renamed everything in my life
and I don't, when I look at food,
it's like I get to be nourished by this.
When I think of exercise, it's like I don't have to do this.
I get to do this.
This is something that I really do enjoy.
So it's a having to reframe all of these things
that I like thought of so negatively for so long.
When I was done being a swimmer,
I had lost my identity of like, what do I do, you know,
to keep my body active and I overdid it.
I worked out, I would stay on the treadmill
for two and a half hours.
So it was definitely a battle to get to where I am now,
and I still deal with it,
but I am much kinder to myself about it.
- Yeah, and I think, I mean for me
the self-talk is the worst.
Like, that's where I'll get myself where I'm like,
"You're not treating your body right".
You know, and I'll like just trash myself.
"You're to this, you're not enough that, you're whatever."
So I try to catch that early.
- Yeah.
And I think there's something that happened to me
in my early thirties was I was diagnosed
with a heart condition and that injected so much perspective
into my life because not only was I unable
to be as physical as I once was, I now had to worry
about whether or not I was, my heart was gonna give out.
And so I eventually got the procedure done
to fix the abnormal part of my heart.
But in that time,
I remember going through a really terrible depression
because I'm like I don't trust my body,
like this thing, I'm breaking down.
The flip side of that was me saying, "Oh, my God,
like I have underappreciated how well
this thing, this vessel has served me for so long."
And it wasn't until I couldn't do things
where I was like, "Oh, my God,
you should be so thankful for the air in your lungs."
And when I got over that, I don't know,
I felt a little bit nicer to myself.
- And I think the people I spend time with
can also affect this.
And yes, I'm responsible for myself.
I don't want anybody to think
that I'm like blaming my friends or family for this.
It's all about me and the way that I interact.
But I have noticed that back in the day in my twenties,
I used to spend time with people who weren't healthy for me.
They weren't healthy for themselves either, I'll be honest,
but it's on me.
And the more I've been careful
about who I spend my time with
and who I allow myself to be around,
like especially long-form,
that's really affected my own mental health in a good way.
Have you found that to be true for you?
- A hundred percent.
I was very indiscriminate about who I was friends with
in my twenties and the only prerequisite
was, oh, you down to party?
I guess we'll be friends.
- Yeah.
- And when you get older, just your requirements change,
your requirements for yourself change.
And I've been so lucky to have
sort of the same core group of friends that I've had
since I was 15, first coming to America.
And I hold them so dear and so tightly to-
I hold them close because
I deem these people just generally, like they're good eggs.
I think that it really matters who you keep around
and it matters that they are people who understand
your mental health journey,
and it matters that they're people who you can call
and say, "I'm having a mental health day,
keep a close eye on me.
I'm sounding the alarm on myself.
I am feeling X, Y, and Z."
And them saying, "I'm here for you."
And then they come over
and check on you 'cause they know your history.
And I just, I feel emotional thinking
about like how lucky I am
that I have that core group of friends
that just understand me.
- Yeah, totally.
I think, I mean because we lived in LA for 20 years
and we've moved away for a year and a half,
it's been a hard transition for me to find those people.
And you made me cry.
I'm like, "Pull it together."
Because it feels good to be seen
and to have people know you.
And I was getting together
with one of my good friends, Joanna,
and I was like, oh, it's so refreshing to not have to worry.
I don't have to put on a front,
I don't have to pretend things are great,
I don't have to care what I look like.
You just show up, 'cause they show up.
And I think that like close connection is invaluable
and to not cultivate those relationships
can be detrimental, you know?
And I think sometimes when we're not feeling good,
we wanna isolate
and then the shit-talking gets worse, right?
And then we're like, "Why am I feeling so bad?"
Or, "Why is this happening?"
But I think, you know, being able to call on people
or have someone that you will tell, like your sister,
who then lets other people know so they can show up.
Sometimes you see that one person, they'll be like,
"Hey, let's do this thing."
"Let's make Khalyla feel good."
'Cause it's a tough transition and it's hard.
But then they were there for you.
And then I would've been like.
Obviously.
They don't wanna cry or I cry.
It's just how- - Oh, well me too.
I probably cry every other day and like, not just the,
oh the, you know, 30 seconds of tears.
Like, I have myself a good cry.
- And that vulnerability, like I hated it.
And you guys know I've talked about vulnerability hangovers,
like, when you share and then you're like...
Or somebody, 'cause we're online
and you guys are online too,
like when we engage on social media
and an get feedback right away,
and people can be nasty
and then you can be like, "Oh, nope."
Like, I talked about this on "Trash Tuesday" a little
that like I've always been very soft
and I like that about myself.
But I was raised in the country
and I was super competitive in sports
and it was like girls don't cry and like suck it up
and I wanna be competitive and be tough.
But then I realized it wasn't really serving me anymore.
It was essentially like I don't wanna wanna be hardened
so much that I like have throat polio.
But it's hard to put yourself out there
and it's hard to be online.
- It's incredibly hard to be online.
It's just...
I don't even have the words.
I think one of the biggest
like ongoing wounds that I can't seem to heal
is this feeling that people just hate me, right?
And it's like, you know,
you put out content about yourself and you say things like,
"I accept that my life is up for consumption.
I've been podcasting for 10 years
and this is what makes me money.
This is the livelihood I chose, this is the bed I made."
But you can intellectualize it all you want
and you can justify all, you know,
all the things that they're saying to you
and you having to accept that.
It's probably been the hardest eight years of my life.
You know, as a teen I had a lot of trouble with
self-harm and I was,
I was in a psych hospital three times when I was younger.
It was hard for me to make the transition
from the Philippines to America as a teen.
My father was dying.
There was a lot of things going on.
And I found myself feeling that same helplessness
that I did when I was 17, 16, 17.
- Super true.
- Where I'm like, wow, I'm 37, it has been 20 years
and here I am finding myself just so,
just rinsed
by the public and it's fucking scary
and it fucking sucks, and it's still something
that I'm learning how to get through.
- Nobody shares the full story online.
Even the people who like share, they don't share the truth.
You know, no one wants to pull out their camera
on Instagram and show like their kids
throwing a wicked tantrum and then them crying.
Like, you don't think about that in those hard moments.
We put out one hour or a little video
where you know, it's like very curated
so it's not the truth,
so then they don't really know you.
Yeah, so what do you do to manage it?
Are you doing better with it now, do you think or no?
- I have my days, I have my days of feeling really strong
and I have my days of feeling,
"Fuck, this feels heavy on me."
But to manage it, I don't read things.
Like you said, like over the years I've found myself
not posting as much
because I wanted to sort of protect myself
a little bit better.
But I'm like, why did I have to bend in that way?
Why did I have to, like I do enjoy posting,
I used to enjoy sharing my life.
I used to enjoy being silly.
But when you're just like every tiny thing is, you know,
looked into, pulled apart, dissected, you're like...
- Yeah, and I, but I think it's because we're soft.
- Yeah. - I wanna engage
and I like that.
And I think that's been the beautiful thing for my community
over time is like not allowing for the, like I block
and mute, and so it has become more of a safe space.
But every once in a while,
I'll get thrown into like a shitstorm of online whatever
and then I have to wait for that storm to pass.
But it is exhausting, it is hard.
Since people who watch are all different ages,
any advice for someone who's just maybe younger
and online or dealing with bullying?
We can deal with bullying at any age.
So, yeah someone going through that.
- Yeah, so this is what I always tell my 14 year old niece,
the same thing that I tell myself.
This place is just not real.
Look around you, look at the people you love,
look at your life in real time.
That place is a make believe place.
None of those things that people are saying are true.
And
I think that especially when you are that young
and that impressionable, being a 14 year old girl,
it's like, you know, everything can feel extra heavy,
everything can feel extra real, but none of it is,
none of it is real.
- Yeah, they don't really know you.
I think that's something, first of all for young people,
private your account, please.
- Please.
- It just makes it safer.
I mean, even if I was online,
I wouldn't have an open account.
I don't need to engage with that many people.
I would just want it to be my people
and then be very cognizant
of who you follow, who you allow to follow you.
There's nothing wrong with muting or blocking someone.
It doesn't have to be done out of hate.
It can be done out of love for yourself.
Those people don't really know you.
That's what I try to tell myself when people try to say
that I'm stupid or I am ignorant
or I am whatever they wanna say,
that they've never met me.
And then like the the like feisty part of me is like,
"Say it to my face, bitch."
'Cause I know nobody would.
You would never talk to someone like that in public
and you would never say something like that.
Think about what it would take
for you to get online and to spout hate about someone.
Like, that's a sad place.
So yeah, just try to keep that in mind.
But thank you for taking the time to sit with me.
- Of course.
- I always love your insights and yeah.
Where can people find you?
You got "Trash Tuesday".
- Yeah - You got "Tiger Belly".
- My handle on Instagram is khalamityk.
K-H-A-L-A-M-I-T-Y-K.
I'm on "Trash Tuesday", I'm on "Tiger Belly"
and yeah, that's basically where you can find me.
- Yeah, go listen, it's great.
And I'll put all the links in the description, everything.
Thanks for listening and watching, guys.
Bye.
(relaxing music)