-Welcome, everyone. Welcome, welcome, welcome
to "The Tonight Show."
You're here. You're watching at home.
[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for watching.
Let's get to some news.
Well, guys, yesterday, the director of the CDC
appeared on four Sunday morning talk shows
to defend the quick reversal
of mask recommendations for vaccinated Americans.
[ Scattered cheers and applause ]
Yeah. See, half of the audience is clapping
because I think a lot of people don't understand the new rules.
[ Laughter ]
People -- America hasn't felt this confused
since Dunkin' Donuts started selling avocado toast.
[ Laughter ]
I don't know what we do.
-Where am I?
-I get it -- it's a confusing time
when Best Buy has tougher health rules than the CDC.
You know? [ Laughter ]
That's right -- somehow CDC guidelines
have become more confusing
than a parking sign in New York City.
It's like... [ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
"Can I stand here?"
"No. You can stand here on Tuesday."
"Oh." [ Laughter ]
That's right -- the director said that,
for the new guidelines to work,
the CDC is asking Americans
to be honest about their vaccination status.
[ Laughter ]
Really?
People can't even tell the truth on their Tinder profiles.
You're gonna say -- Really? [ Laughter ]
Come on. [ Applause ]
It was a picture of me. -Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
-Meanwhile, today, even President Biden
tried to add clarity to the COVID situation.
I don't think he helped anybody
dressed as The Phantom of the Opera.
I thought that was interesting. It was like...
[ Laughter ] -Wow.
-Now we're doing half-masks. -Half-masks.
-We're doing half-masks now.
♪ Slowly... ♪
-♪ Of the night ♪
♪♪
-But Biden announced some good news --
for the first time since the pandemic began,
cases are down in all 50 states.
So that's... [ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
That's great news.
That's right -- COVID numbers are down
and Instagram posts of people's brunches are way up.
-Aww. [ Applause ]
-Look at those eggs. Wow.
Like!
Biden also announced plans
to send 20 million more vaccine doses abroad
by the end of June.
You know that -- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]
That's good.
[ Applause ]
You now that when the vaccines come back home, they'll be like,
"It's actually pronounced 'Pfither.'"
[ Laughter ]
-[ Laughs ]
-I went to "Barth-- Barthel--" Okay. Alright.
Alright. Okay. I know. -How long --
-What's up? -How long were you there?
-Two "dayth."
[ Laughter ]
Two dayth.
Speaking of Biden, this weekend,
a "New York Times" report revealed
what the President is like,
according to people who work closely with him.
They say Biden's obsessed with details,
asks many questions, and displays unexpected warmth.
It's all part of their plan to release
the most boring tell-all book of all time.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, wow. He flosses, too. Oh.
[ Laughter ]
The report also says that Biden's drink of choice
is Orange Gatorade.
-Oh. -Whoo!
-Is it?
[ Laughter ]
Or is it just water with Metamucil?
[ Laughter ] Okay, sure, Gatorade.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gatorade. Yeah.
Apparently, Biden also doesn't like to be served leafy greens
'cause he's afraid of being photographed
with something in his teeth.
The White House kitchen is like,
"We're now on Year 5 of not serving salad."
[ Laughter ]
Let's change gears here.
Well, people were talking about this.
Last night, "60 Minutes"
had a piece on the existence of UFOs.
And this is what a former top Pentagon official had to say.
-So what you're telling me is that UFOs are real?
-Bill, I think we're beyond that already.
-It sounds nutty, wacky.
-I'm not telling you that -- that it doesn't sound wacky.
What I'm telling you -- it's real.
The question is, what is it?
What are its intentions?
What are its capabilities?
-And, of course, he's talking about his goatee.
[ Laughter ]
"What are its intentions?
Yes, it's wacky. Yes, it's nutty."
[ Laughter ]
"I think it's kind of edgy, and I'm also in a swing band."
[ Light laughter ]
I had no idea the top Pentagon official
was also in charge of all the elves in the North Pole.
-Wow.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-"Hermey doesn't like to make toys!"
[ Laughter ]
All I know is, if aliens are real,
it means we're a year away from seeing this.
-I'm Lesley Stahl. -I'm Bill Whitaker.
-I'm Anderson Cooper.
-And I am Gorgalack 368.
-Okay. Yeah. [ Laughter ]
Guys, today is May 17th, and you know what that means --
it is Tax Day.
[ Audience groans lightly ] Yeah.
[ Crowd boos ]
[ Laughter ]
-What was that?
-I don't know. Yeah, I get it.
The most popular Google search today was,
"Can I write off my home if it's also my office?"
and, "Can I write off my bed if it's also my desk?"
[ Laughter ]
Since it's Tax Day, can we see
what the head of the IRS looks like?
Yeah, don't worry if you forgot to file your taxes.
He looks pretty understanding.
[ Laughter ]
Can I see him again? Can we bring it --
[ Laughter ]
He looks like his son just told him,
"I need 10 grand for deejay school."
[ Laughter and applause ]
Some business news --
I saw that Pabst Blue Ribbon and Entenmann's are teaming up
to release a new paring of hard coffee and doughnuts.
Take a look at this.
[ Cheers and applause ]
[ Laughs ] -What?
-What?!
-And to make it a truly balanced breakfast,
just throw in half a pack of Newport Lights.
There you go -- that's -- -Wow, nice.
-Speaking of new products,
I heard that Mountain Dew is launching
a birthday cake-flavored drink called
"Mountain Dew Cake Smash."
Take a look at this thing.
Yep. [ Audience ohhs ]
On the can, the nutrition facts just say, "Come on."
-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
-And finally, a woman in California says
she accidentally destroyed a $26 million lottery ticket
in the washing machine. [ Audience groans ]
When she told lottery officials
that she lost a $26 million lottery ticket,
the guy behind her in line was like,
"Yes, I also lost a $26 million lottery ticket."
Did you guys hear about Biden's Venmo?
-Yeah. -Yes.
-Did you know that you can do that?
You can go on anyone's Venmo -- you see where --
like, what they spent their money on.
-Yeah, it's crazy. -I didn't know that --
That seems wrong, doesn't it? -Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
-Well, I guess "The New York Times" reported
that Biden likes to send his grandkids money on Venmo.
-Aww. [ Audience awws ]
-Yeah, again, this is in that boring book
coming out next week. [ Laughter ]
Well, within about 10 minutes,
I guess reporters from BuzzFeed were able to find his account.
Yeah.
What?
[ Laughter ] Yeah.
[ Laughter ]
What? -What?
What? -Yeah.
-Yeah-ah. -Yeah-ah.
-What?
[ Laughter ]
He's not alone -- a lot of people in Washington use Venmo.
And you can see exactly what they're doing.
-Really? -Yeah, for instance,
let me show you -- Senator John Hoeven
sent Senator Angus King $50 for...
-Wow. [ Cheers and applause ]
He's paying back an old debt. -He's paying back an old debt.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
-By using a modern... -And then, next up,
Senator Mark Kelly... -What? Yeah.
-...sent Senator Rand Paul $15 for...
[ Slide whistle plays notes ] -Oh.
[ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Imitates slide whistle ]
Next up, Senator James Lankford
sent Senator Ron Wyden $60 for...
-Oh. [ Laughter ]
-Wow. -Here's another one here,
Senator Gary Peters sent Congressman Don Young $3 for...
[ Laughter ]
Isn't that unbelievable? -Wow.
[ Laughter ]
-And then... [ Laughter ]
Can you imagine that?
-No, it's crazy. -Ah!
Next up, Senator Joe --
[ Laughter ] -Charged him $3 for that.
-He charged him $3... -Yeah.
-...just to see if he could do it.
-"Hey, you can do it?" -"Hey, can you unlock..."
-Yeah. You think it was, "I'll bet you $3
I can unlock your iPhone with my face"?
-No, he gives it to him, and he goes --
-No, he goes, "Hey, $3 if you can open this for me."
-Unlocked it. -Yeah. "I'm wearing a mask."
-Next up, Senator Joe Manchin
sent Senator Bill Cassidy $75 for...
-Oh.
[ Laughter ]
Wow, that's a club they're starting?
-I have no idea. This is, like, all coming up.
BuzzFeed's finding out all of this.
-Yeah. -Up next,
Congressman Thomas Massie sent Senator Jim Inhofe $100 for...
[ Laughter ]
And, finally, Congressman Brad Sherman
sent Congressman Paul Tonko $100 for...
[ Laughter and applause ] There you go.
It's worth the money.