Hey Steve, it's Thursday and that means that I have been wondering why I struggle as a
Christian, even though that is my name.
So, let's get down to brass tacks and start answering some questions.
Well, I'll be answering the questions.
I guess you'll just watch.
Question one, how am I resisting the call to give?
This is actually a great question because I don't think that resistance always looks
like outright refusal.
For me, I think that resistance can actually look something more like what I think of as
wise self-protection.
Lately, I feel like I've been feeling a little tired of putting myself out there, especially
if I don't feel like I get the appreciation that I think that I deserve or something like
that.
So when I get the sense that maybe people don't value me as much as I think that they
should I pull back.
It's not that I stop offering stuff, it's more that I stop offering myself.
Usually happens when I feel sorry for myself or I feel like I'm failing at something and
so I can shut down and go inward.
And so instead of putting myself out there and simply risking that I might fail or be
rejected, I hold back altogether.
It may keep me safe for the time being, but it certainly keeps me from giving.
I think another element to this self protection is that I also feel selfish about my own time
and energy.
I so frequently feel stretched thin, so at the end of my rope, that I can't even think
about what it would be like to add something else to the equation of my life.
And when I get to this point, I just want to pull back even more.
I start worrying that if I were to add one more ball to the already twenty-four that
I feel like I'm juggling at any point in time, then well, I just might fall apart.
And so I think there is this element to this self-protection as well, that I don't want
to just fall apart, that I need enough energy so that I won't run myself ragged.
Question two, what can I do to answer the call to give right now?
I think it's the exact opposite of what I tend to do rather than going inward, I need
to look outward.
Rather than feeling the need to protect myself from failing or being rejected, or burning
out, or whatever it might be, I think I just need to start reaching out.
There are so many people at coffee hour, for example, that I just don't know.
But reaching out feels risky and uncertain, but I guess it could just start with me learning
some names.
Or, perhaps more saliently, there's actually a ton of friends in my life that I simply
let fall by the wayside.
So it's probably time for me to pick up my phone and check in.
Because this resistance is one that's borne out of self-protection, and so the antidote
is self-giving.
It's not necessarily something that I want to do, but it's something that my soul needs
to do.
There are a bunch of people in my life that I definitely feel like I've neglected.
I mean, I'm sure my friends feel my absence, but I also have no doubt that my family does
as well.
I actually keep thinking that one of the things I really need to do is be more intentional
about how much attention I give to my daughters.
I've said it before, that it's so easy to get caught up in rushing to get the girls
to bed that I don't actually take time to connect with them.
I mean, I don't feel like I have to be the kind of parent who gives my kid things, but
I should be the kind of parent who gives my kids myself.
I need to take the time to look them in the eyes, to tell them that they're mine, and
that I love them immeasurably.
But when I get stuck in a rut of needing downtime at night, especially at the end of a long
day, it is so easy to overlook my beautiful children.
All in favor of what?
Another half hour of television?
And finally question three, how can I give this struggle to God?
Honestly, this is probably the hardest part for me to admit.
But sadly, I think I kind of like this struggle because it makes me feel important.
It makes me feel like I have all this stuff that people want from me and that I'm the
one that get to decide how I'll dole out my time and energy, but that's really messed
up.
The obvious thing is that I do need to take this to God in prayer even more fundamental
is my need to confess my faults.
I need to confess my self-reliance, my fear of failure, my own inattentiveness to my children,
it's time for me to own my sins.
I spend so much time planning and replanning how I, by my own will and strength, am going
to restructure my life, so that I finally get it right, that I can't even take the time
to admit that I'm currently doing it wrong.
But before I can get back on the right path, I need to admit that I've deviated from it.
I need to take responsibility for the fact that I've neglected my neighbor, both family
and friend, in favor of myself.
And hopefully this will help me find myself on that map to repentance as I learn to offer
myself to others by first offering myself, my true self, to God in confession.
Alright Steve, that's all I got, and I'll see you on Monday.