-A Republican senator said
he was suspicious of the push
to vaccinate people against COVID-19,
the House GOP leader is stonewalling the commission
to investigate the January 6 insurrection at the Capitol,
and conservatives have come up
with an insane new lie about Joe Biden --
he wants to ban meat.
For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."
♪♪
Perhaps the central theme of our politics, at the moment,
is that one of our two major political coalitions
is growing more extreme, more authoritarian,
more paranoid, and more detached from reality by the day.
Republicans seem to think Joe Biden's army
of antifa super soldiers is going to come to your house
and take your Dr. Seuss books and your hamburgers
and I'm only slightly exaggerating.
-Say goodbye to your burgers,
if you want to sign up for the Biden climate agenda.
Researchers say you'd have to cut about 90%
of red meat from your diet.
For Americans, that means a limit
of four pounds of red meat per year.
-Americans would have to cut red meat consumption
by a whopping 90%.
That means only one burger a month.
-Part of his climate, or green, targets are
to cut our red meat.
He wants to cut out 90% of the red meat
that you all eat -- that's four pounds a year.
-Listen, four pounds a year?
That's my weekly consumption of red meat, at minimum.
-No burgers on July 4th.
No steaks on the barbie.
I'm sure Middle America is just going to love that.
Can you grill those Brussels sprouts?
So get ready.
You can throw back a plant-based beer
with your grilled Brussels sprouts
and wave your American flag.
-That's right, in Biden's America,
you'll have to celebrate July 4th
by drinking a plant-based beer,
as opposed to, you know, all those meat-based beers.
Does he think PBR stands for pork and beef ribs?
Does he think Hamm's is made with real ham?
I mean, what the hell am I supposed
to put in my Corona now, a lime wedge?
What's that?
It's always been a lime wedge?
Well, in my America, we drink our Corona
with a pig in a blanket jammed in the neck.
So, Larry Kudlow is a dumb person,
but, hey, at least he's harmless, right?
I mean, what job did he have in the Trump administration?
Director of the National Economic Council?
[Bleep] That's not good.
Also, it will not surprise you to learn
this dumb, right-wing conspiracy theory
is made up entirely out of thin air,
after the Daily Mail wrote an article
about a University of Michigan study that had nothing to do
with Biden's plan or the Green New Deal.
Nowhere in Biden's plan does it say anything
about reducing red meat consumption
and Biden has never uttered such a thing
and, yet, on cue, Republicans have run wild
with this dumb and completely baseless lie.
For example, there was
Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert,
whose last name, incidentally, sounds like a Dilbert character
who wears a "Don't Tread on Me T-shirt.
[ Laughter ]
That was way better than I thought it would be.
[ Laughter ] One more time.
Oh, yeah, that's good.
Boebert tweeted...
And Donald Trump Jr. tweeted...
Four pounds?
It's going to be a hard something from you.
[ Laughter ] Try to get some fiber in there, DJ.
Jesus!
No wonder this weirdo always has the sweaty,
bloated vibe of Joey Chestnut
at the end of a hot dog eating contest.
Also, back to Boebert's comments.
Don't think you're the first person who told Joe Biden
to stay out of their kitchen.
Definitely strikes me as the kind of grandpa
who's always sneaking in and sticking his finger
in the cake batter before it goes in the oven.
"Joe, I told you to stay out of my kitchen."
[ As Biden ] My hands are clean.
"That's only one hand, Joe."
[ As Biden ] I'm going to show you the other one.
But you need to know there's chocolate on it
from earlier today.
Anyway, the point is, this is what they're focused on,
dumb lies with no basis in reality.
Over the weekend, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich
claimed Biden was attacking Americans
with so-called traditional values
by repealing a policy imposed
by former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo
that banned diplomats from flying gay pride flags
outside U.S. embassies.
-If you listed every idiotic thing
that the Obama administration has done
in the first 100 days,
you begin to realize whether it's threatening everybody
who believes in the Second Amendment
or it's attacking everybody who believes in right to life
or it is attacking people of traditional values
who are appalled that this administration would fly
the gay flag at American embassies all over the world.
I mean, you just go down, item by item,
and it's almost like they have a checklist
of, "What can we do that will really,
truly infuriate traditional Americans?"
-Yeah, totally, the same so-called traditional Americans
who supported the thrice-married adulterer
who had an affair with a porn star
and thought the Bible was
about two dudes named Corinthian.
Also, you know, maybe the dude who had multiple affairs,
including one that led to his resignation
as speaker of the House, should hold his tongue,
when it comes to so-called traditional values.
And why are the gross, adulterous creeps
always the ones lamenting
the decline of traditional values, anyway?
Is it because, when they say traditional,
what they actually mean are
the days when you'd go to your office,
call all the women sweetheart,
drink a half gallon of gin with your two-hour lunch,
then leave at 4:00 and your wife would have dinner ready for you,
you'd put on your sweater
and sit by the fire reading the newspaper,
while the kids whose birthdays you don't know did the chores,
and then, you'd head back out
to get spanked on the ass with a Forbes magazine
in a hotel by a porn star?
[ Laughing ] Remember that story?
Talk about red meat.
Yowza!
[ Laughter ] Also, I wish
the Biden administration had a checklist like that.
If you're some ass[bleep] who's genuinely mad
that an American embassy somewhere
is flying a gay pride flag,
then you deserve to be infuriated.
[ As Gingrich ] Honey, bad news.
We got to cancel the trip to Iceland.
They're flying the gay pride flag at the embassy in Reykjavik
and they won't let me take my gun on the glacier tour,
which is all well and good,
until we encounter a threatening gnome.
[ Irish accent ] Give me your wallet and all your fermented whale meat.
That's right, I'm from Ireland.
[ Laughter ]
A lot of us are.
[ Laughter ]
I'm here on a visa.
[ Laughter ]
These people are so deeply detached from reality,
they think the biggest problems facing America right now,
amid a once-in-a-century pandemic,
economic crash, rising poverty, and child hunger
are embassies flying gay pride flags
and totally fictional meat bans.
What's next, is antifa going to force you
to take the COVID vaccine
so Bill Gates can inject you with a chip
that tracks how many hamburgers you eat?
Again, I'm only barely exaggerating
because, last week, Wisconsin Senator Ron Johnson
went on an insane and dangerous rant
where he suggested there was some sort of vague conspiracy
going on with all the emphasis on vaccines.
Those are pretty suspicious things
you made up inside your weird head.
But, yeah, if you have your COVID shot,
why do you care if your neighbor gets it?
And another thing, if you have your rabies shot,
why do you care if I fill your bathtub with daytime raccoons?
But, despite furious pushback from sane people,
Ron John doubled down in a statement, saying...
But that's not what you're doing.
Instead, you're one of these cynical
"Just asking questions" guys.
The guys who merely insinuate deranged lies,
in order to feed rabid conspiracy theories
to your paranoid base and score political points,
but do it in the most cowardly way,
by "just asking questions."
It's called the Tucker Carlson maneuver.
Soon, you'll start squinting like you're trying to solve
the jumble on the back of a cereal box
and laughing uncontrollably at inappropriate moments,
like you just got released from Arkham Asylum.
-I'm kind of more worried about the rest of the country,
which, thanks to police inaction,
in case you haven't noticed, is like boarded up.
[ Laughs ] So, that's more my concern.
In other words, you're being replaced
and there's nothing you can do about it, so shut up!
[ Laughs ]
-I'm not going to even make fun of that laugh
because I'm worried, if I do, the next time I hear it will be
through a muffled pillow being pressed down on my face.
Anyway, the point is, if you were genuinely trying
to inform people, you'd tell them
about the detailed safety and efficacy data
from both the trials and the real-world studies,
which show that the vaccines work incredibly well
and are incredibly safe.
We also keep getting new data, telling us
that the new vaccines cut down on transmission, too.
So, yes, your neighbors should get it,
both for their own health
and so they don't spread it to someone else.
Also, young and healthy people are getting sicker
and going to hospitals in higher numbers,
especially in states with high case numbers, like Michigan.
And, lastly, we want as many people as possible
to get vaccinated, so the virus isn't constantly circulating
at high levels and we can get back
to some semblance of normal, without having to worry
about cases, hospitalizations, and deaths going back up.
I shouldn't have to explain all this to you.
I'm just a late night talk show host.
What little science I know,
I have cobbled together from "Jurassic Park" movies,
Snapple caps, and previous "Closer Looks."
You know how little attention I paid in science class?
I thought the periodic table is something you bought
at Pottery Barn.
[ Rimshot ]
Yes. Thank you, Fred.
Finally, a perfectly timed rimshot.
[ Rimshot ]
Yep, we just --
We just only need the one, buddy.
[ Rimshot ]
Fred, seriously, just no more room shots.
I mean, what am I,
a proctologist?
Okay, well, that --
We definitely need one there.
[ Rimshot ] Just --
[ Laughter ]
[ Exhales ]
Anyway, Ron Johnson is the same guy who suggested
it was actually fake Trump supporters
who stormed the Capitol on January 6th,
a lie that has ricocheted around right-wing media.
In fact, on Sunday,
House GOP leader Kevin McCarthy said
he wants any commission investigating the insurrection
to also look at antifa and Black Lives Matter.
-For the last year, we've had political violence
across this country and in this city.
I think we should look at all of that.
-Why not confine this committee --
it's a big deal -- to what happened on January 6,
when you had this insurrection at the Capitol?
-You had an insurrection in the Capitol.
You've had political violence
for the last year, in this building.
You had, a Good Friday, an officer killed
for political belief, right on that Capitol as well.
If you're now going to put a commission together,
why wouldn't you look at all the problems to solve --
-Oh, you want a commission to look at all the problems?
Then, while we're at it,
can we have the commission investigate this?
-I want you to watch Nancy Pelosi
hand me that gavel.
[ Cheering, whistling, and applause ]
And I promise you this --
I won't bang her with it,
but I'll bang the end to the socialism, and yes to America.
-That is one of the weirdest sentences I've ever heard,
and I work near Times Square.
Do you know how often
I've had German tourists come up to me and ask...?
[ German accent ] Can you tell where's the headquarters
of ze little chocolate candy man?
"Sorry, you mean the M&M's store?"
[ German accent ] Ja. We want to meet the sexy one.
[ Laughter ]
[ Irish accent ] I wouldn't mind, either. I'm from Iceland.
[ Laughter ]
Do you mind giving me a w-w-wee bit of directions?
[ Laughter ]
You can't just take a commission about an insurrection,
a very specific and horrifying event
in the history of this country, and make it
about whatever you want,
just to score dumb political points with your base.
When Republicans spent a year investigating Benghazi,
Democrats weren't like, "Hey, while we're at it,
could we also investigate what Harrison Ford's been smoking?"
Whatever that strain is, let's legalize that [bleep] now.
It's like my man went to Union Station
to catch a train and only then found out
they were hosting the Oscars.
"Hey, since you're here,
you want to give one out for editing?"
[ As Ford ] Sure, I do carry around these
"Blade Runner" editing notes.
[ Laughter ] And there's a lot more we need to find out
about what, exactly, happened on that day,
which is why we need a commission
singularly focused on the insurrection.
For example, one of the few Republican members of Congress
who voted to impeach Trump has said that McCarthy told her
about a conversation he had with Trump
in the middle of the riot,
in which Trump seemed to justify the insurrection.
-This is actually part of the
impeachment record, the second impeachment.
This was read into the record there...
-I mean, I suppose that's true, but it's a little like saying,
"Well, I guess these zombies
enjoy eating brains more than you do."
So, clearly, Trump supported the attack,
as if we needed any more evidence.
He would've been perfectly happy,
if the mob had successfully taken over the Capitol,
stopped the counting of electoral votes,
and allowed him to overturn the results.
Saying Trump didn't know anything about it
is like saying Glenn Close
doesn't know how to do Da Butt.
Second Oscars joke.
Look, we follow the buzz, okay?
That's what people are talking about,
so that's what we write jokes about.
No more "M-A-S-H" references.
No more jokes about Vince Vaughn-Owen Wilson
buddy comedies from 20 years ago.
From now on, it is all fresh,
topical, pop culture references here at "Late Night."
Anyway, McCarthy was asked if that account
of his conversation with Trump was accurate
and McCarthy refused to say.
-Is that what President Trump said to you?
-When I talked to President Trump about it,
I was the first person to contact him
when the riot was going on. He didn't see it.
What he ended the call was saying, telling me,
he'll put something out to make sure to stop this.
And that's what he did, he put a video out later.
-Quite a lot later.
And it was a pretty weak video.
But I'm asking you specifically, did he say to you,
"I guess some people are more concerned
about the election than you are?"
-No, listen, my conversations with the president
are my conversations with the president.
-Wow, he avoided that question
like he was Vince Vaughn in "Dodgeball."
[ As Vaughn ] Buddy, buddy, buddy, you're killing me, here.
I would never divulge a private conversation.
I'm a discreet guy.
You know that about me.
Do I gossip occasionally? Sure.
Would I let a secret slip, here and there,
in return for a favor? Who wouldn't?
But I tell you, I would never
tell someone else what you told me in confidence.
Not now, not ever.
[ As Wilson ] Alright. Wow, man. Right on.
[ Laughter ] Owen Wilson wasn't in "Dodgeball,"
but, I mean, he should've been, right?
So I lied, when I said
[ Laughter ] our references, from now on, would be fresh.
Much like Kevin McCarthy lied in that answer.
Segue!
Because, first of all, [ Laughter ]
there's no way Trump didn't know what was going on
until McCarthy called him.
We have contemporaneous accounts telling us
Trump was watching it all unfold on TV
and gleefully egging it on and, even if we didn't
have those accounts, we'd still know
that Trump was aware of the insurrection as it was happening
because he's always watching TV.
Honestly, I'm not sure why it never occurred to us,
but we could've avoided his presidency
by just planting him in front of the wall of TVs
at Circuit City for four years.
[ As Trump ] Circuit City, folks. They love us there.
Won it in a landslide.
Sadly, it wasn't enough
to overcome all the fraudulent votes
from The Wiz.
That's why nobody beats them, folks.
[ Laughter ] It's all a fraud.
But what a slogan. What a slogan.
We used to have the best slogans, didn't we, folks?
What happened to all our beautiful slogans?
Got to go to Mos, Mos Def, Def Comedy Jam.
[ Laughter ] Jam!
We love jam, don't we, folks?
Smucker's [ Laughter ]
sounds dirty. Not. Not dirty.
"With a name like Smucker's, it's got to be good."
[ Laughter ]
That's what they say. It's true.
But you can't buy it anymore. That's what I hear.
They canceled Smucker's.
[ Laughter ] I haven't been to a store in years.
I don't know if that's true, but.
[ Laughter ]
Also, Trump didn't put a video out to stop anything.
He told the rioters, "We love you.
You're very special."
One of those weird,
outdoor videos of his on the White House lawn,
where he looks like he's filming a YouTube tutorial
on how to properly trim your hedges.
This is one of the central themes
of our politics, at the moment. The Republican Party
is an increasingly paranoid, authoritarian movement,
defending a president who incited an insurrection
and spreading unhinged lies about everything
from life-saving vaccines to imaginary bans on red meat.
I mean, it's almost like all these guys are drunk on...
-Plant-based beer.
-This has been "A Closer Look."
♪♪
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