>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME TO A "LATE SHOW"!
I'M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT.
LET ME JUST KEY UP HERE.
MMM!
OOOH, TEPID!
I THOUGHT THAT WAS GOING TO BE HOTTER THAN IT WAS.
HELLO.
SO NICE TO SEE YOU.
SPEAKING OF HOT -- HAVE YOU LOST WEIGHT?
YOU LOOK AMAZING.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN TOGETHER FOR A WEEK, AND I'VE MISSED SO MUCH
HAS HAPPENED.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED TODAY.
SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED IN THE LAST FEW HOURS.
HONEST TO GOD, YOU GUYS BACK ME UP, I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO READ EVEN THOUGH WE'VE READ ALL OF IT BECAUSE WE
HAD TO CHANGE THE ORDER OF EVERYTHING MINUTES AGO.
THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION IS ONLY 15 DAYS AWAY.
I CAN'T WAIT FOR THIS TO JUST BE OVER.
IT'S LIKE AN UPCOMING SURGERY, IN THAT I'M PLANNING ON BEING
ANESTHETIZED FOR THE EVENT.
YOU KNOW WHO COULD USE SOME PAINKILLERS?
DONALD TRUMP.
BECAUSE HIS POLL NUMBERS ARE STARTING TO LOOK PRETTY BLEAK.
(KNOCKING) KNOCK ON WOOD.
SALT THE WOOD.
BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE, BEETLEJUICE.
SO, IN THE RUN-UP TO THE ELECTION, TRUMP IS PLANNING TO
HOLD "TWO TO THREE EVENTS PER DAY."
BRILLIANT.
BE ON TV EVERYDAY TO REMIND AMERICANS WHY THEY CAN'T STAND
LOOKING AT YOU.
AT A RALLY IN GEORGIA ON FRIDAY, TRUMP OPENLY MUSED ABOUT LOSING:
>> COULD YOU IMAGINE IF I LOSE?
MY WHOLE LIFE, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO?
I'M GOING TO SAY I LOST TO THE WORST CANDIDATE IN THE
HISTORY OF POLITICS.
I'M NOT GOING TO FEEL SO GOOD.
MAYBE I WILL HAVE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY.
>> STEPHEN: I'LL HELP YOU PACK.
I HEAR EQUATORIAL GUINEA HAS A BEAUTIFUL NO EXTRADITION TREATY
THIS TIME OF YEAR.
ONE OF TRUMP'S BIGGEST PROBLEMS IS THAT SUBURBAN WOMEN IN
BATTLEGROUND STATES CAN'T STAND HIM.
TO WHICH TRUMP RESPONDED, YOU CAN AND YOU WILL.
>> THE WOMEN WHO THEY SAY DON'T LIKE ME, THEY ACTUALLY DO LIKE
ME A LOT.
>> STEPHEN: NO SURPRISE.
TRUMP'S GOT A LONG HISTORY OF IGNORING WOMEN SAYING "I'M NOT
INTO YOU."
AND HE AIN'T TOO PROUD TO BEG, SWEET DARLIN'.
>> SUBURBAN WOMEN, PLEASE VOTE FOR ME.
SUBURBAN WOMEN, WILL YOU PLEASE LIKE ME?
>> STEPHEN: AS PATHETIC AS THAT WAS, AFTER THE RALLY, TRUMP WENT
DOOR TO DOOR.
TRUMP IS SO DESPERATE TO ATTRACT THE LADIES, HE BROKE OUT HIS
IRRESISTIBLE DANCE MOVE: ♪
♪ ♪
♪ MOVE YOUR FEET!
AT ALL!
JIMMY, PUT HIM BACK UP THERE!
HE MAKES THE INFLATABLE TUBE-MAN LOOK LIKE FRED ASTAIRE.
I'VE SEEN MORE RHYTHMIC MOVEMENT FROM A POTATO ROLLING AROUND IN
THE TRUNK OF MY CAR.
HOW DO YOU MESS UP DANCING TO "Y.M.C.A.?"
IT COMES WITH INSTRUCTIONS!
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BEAT A DEAD HORSE, BUT I'VE SEEN A DEAD
HORSE WITH BETTER MOVES.
THEY SAY HOW YOU DANCE INDICATES HOW YOU MAKE LOVE.
APPARENTLY, HE DOES NOT MAKE LOVE FROM THE WAIST DOWN.
FOR HIM, IT'S JUST A LOT OF FIST-PUMPING AND POINTING.
TRUMP IS ALSO BEING HURT BY HIS TOTAL SHANKING OF THE PANDEMIC,
AND THINGS ARE GETTING WORSE.
ON FRIDAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE JULY, THE COUNTRY REPORTED
OVER 70,000 CORONAVIRUS CASES AND ONE EXPERT PREDICTS THAT THE
NEXT 6-12 WEEKS ARE GOING TO BE THE DARKEST OF THE ENTIRE
PANDEMIC.
IN OTHER WORDS: >> THE--
>> WORST.
>> IS YET!
TO COME!
>> STEPHEN: TODAY, TRUMP STOPPED BY ARIZONA FOR ANOTHER
SUPER-SPREADER RALLY.
AND HE INSISTED THAT THIS WHOLE PANDEMIC THING IS JUST A PASSING
FAD.
>> YOUR STATE IS DOING GREAT WITH THE PANDEMIC.
PANDEMIC.
THEY ARE GETTING TIRED OF THE PANDEMIC, AREN'T THEY?
YOU TURN ON CNN.
THAT'S ALL THEY COVER.
COVID, COVID, PANDEMIC, COVID COVID, COVID
UGH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
THEY ARE TRYING TO TALK EVERYBODY OUT OF VOTING.
PEOPLE AREN'T BUYING IT, CNN, YOU DUMB BASTARDS.
THEY'RE NOT BUYING IT.
( CHEERING ) >> Stephen: DUMB BASTARDS.
LEAVE ERIC AND DON, JR. OUT OF THIS.
TRUMP SPOKE ABOUT HIS COVID RECOVERY.
>> IT'S GREAT.
IT'S GREAT.
BUT I TOOK IT AND IT WAS INCREDIBLE.
INCREDIBLE.
I FELT LIKE SUPERMAN THE NEXT MORNING.
I WOKE UP, AND I WAS LIKE AAARGHH, LET ME AT EM!
>> STEPHEN: AH, YES.
EXACTLY LIKE SUPERMAN.
IT'S A BIRD!
IT'S A PLANE!
IT'S A CRAZY GUY JACKED UP ON STEROIDS!
"TRUTH, JUSTICE AND THE AMERICAN BLAARGH!"
"LET ME AT 'EM!
NOW IT'S TEPID AND SALTY.
( LAUGHTER ) TRUMP KEEPS INSISTING COVID IS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT: >> IT'S ENDING ANYWAY.
I MEAN, THEY GO CRAZY WHEN I SAY IT.
IT'S GOING TO PETER OUT, AND IT'S
GOING TO END.
WE'RE ROUNDING THE TURN.
WE'RE ROUNDING THE CORNER.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NEAR.
>> STEPHEN: NOTHING SAYS YOU'RE OUT OF DANGER LIKE, "GO TOWARD
THE LIGHT."
(AS TRUMP) "WE'RE GOING TO PUT ALL THE
COVID INTO A BUCKET AND THEN WE'RE GOING TO KICK THE BUCKET.
ALL THE WAY TO THAT FARM UPSTATE, WHERE WE'RE ALL GOING
TO LIVE, WE'RE GONNA BE ALIVE AS DOORNAILS."
TRUMP SAID WHETHER YOU'RE NAUGHTY OR NICE, BIDEN'S COMING
FOR YOUR STOCKING WITH CARE.
>> IF HE GETS IN CARSON CITY WILL BE A GHOST TOWN.
AND THE CHRISTMAS SEASON WILL BE CANCELLED.
>> STEPHEN: YES, IF JOE IS ELECTED, THERE WILL BE NO
CHRISTMAS ON JANUARY 20.
AND FORGET ABOUT FOURTH OF JULY IN FEBRUARY!
THEN HE CAME UP WITH THIS WEIRD ATTACK.
>> YOU KNOW, BIDEN WANTS TO LOCK IT DOWN.
HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO DR. FAUCI.
>> Stephen: DR. FAUCI IS THE MOST
TRUSTED PERSON ON CORONAVIRUS IN THE UNITED STATES.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S THE ATTACK YOU THINK IT IS.
AND I'M BEING TOLD THERE'S ALREADY A NEW AD:
>> YOU KNOW, BIDEN WANTS TO LOCK IT DOWN.
HE WANTS TO LISTEN TO DR. FAUCI.
>> I'M JOE BIDEN AND I APPROVE THIS MESSAGE.
>> Stephen: LAST NIGHT, THE SAME DR. FAUCI WAS ON
"60 MINUTES," AND HE WAS FRANK ABOUT TRUMP'S
EFFORTS TO KEEP HIM FROM SPEAKING TO THE PUBLIC.
>> DURING THIS PANDEMIC, HAS THE WHITE HOUSE BEEN CONTROLLING
WHEN YOU CAN SPEAK WITH THE MEDIA?
>> YOU KNOW, I THINK YOU'D HAVE TO BE HONEST AND SAY YES.
I CERTAINLY HAVE NOT BEEN ALLOWED TO GO ON MANY, MANY,
MANY SHOWS THAT HAVE ASKED FOR ME.
>> STEPHEN: THAT'S RIGHT-- MANY, MANY SHOWS.
THANKS TO TRUMP, WE NEVER GOT TO SEE FAUCI ON "FLOOR IS LAVA."
FAUCI WAS ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT THE PRESIDENT PERSONALLY.
>> WERE YOU SURPRISED WHEN PRESIDENT TRUMP GOT SICK?
>> ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I WAS WORRIED THAT HE WAS GOING TO GET SICK WHEN I SAW HIM IN A
COMPLETELY PRECARIOUS SITUATION OF CROWDED, NO SEPARATION
BETWEEN PEOPLE, AND ALMOST NOBODY WEARING A MASK.
WHEN I SAW THAT ON TV, I SAID, "OH, MY GOODNESS.
NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OUT OF THAT, THAT'S GOT TO BE A
PROBLEM."
>> STEPHEN: SO, FAUCI INFLUENCES TRUMP'S COVID POLICY THE SAME
WAY WE DO: BY STARING IN HORROR AT THE TV AND SAYING, "THAT'S
GOT TO BE A PROBLEM."
TODAY, WITH INFECTIONS SPIKING ACROSS THE COUNTRY, TRUMP HIT
BACK AT FAUCI ON A CAMPAIGN STAFF PHONE CALL WITH REPORTERS
SAYING, "PEOPLE ARE TIRED OF HEARING FAUCI AND THESE IDIOTS,
ALL THESE IDIOTS WHO GOT IT WRONG."
YEAH, REMEMBER THE GUY WHO SAID IT WOULD GO AWAY IN APRIL?
ACCORDING TO POLLS, PEOPLE ARE REALLY TIRED OF THAT IDIOT.
TRUMP WASN'T THE ONLY REPUBLICAN ACTING LIKE AN IDIOT AT A RALLY
THIS WEEKEND.
THERE WAS ALSO, GEORGIA SENATOR DAVID PERDUE, SEEN HERE
EXPLAINING HOW HE LIKES HIS PUMPKINS TO HAVE SOME JUNK IN
THE TRUNK.
SENATOR PERDUE WAS THE OPENING ACT FOR TRUMP'S RALLY IN MACON,
GEORGIA, ON FRIDAY.
AND HE HAD THIS TO SAY ABOUT DEMOCRATIC VICE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE KAMALA HARRIS.
>> KAMAL-- OR KAMALA OR KAMALA, OR KAMALA-MALA-MALA,
I DON'T KNOW.
WHATEVER!
>> STEPHEN: OKAY, NOT A HARD NAME TO PRONOUNCE.
IT'S KAMALA HARRIS.
GET IT RIGHT NEXT TIME, SENATOR DAVID PUBE-DEW.
I MEAN, PUKE-DUDE.
I MEAN, PURE-DOO-DOO?
SENATOR PERV-DOOKIE IMMEDIATELY CAME UNDER FIRE FOR BEING
RACIST, BECAUSE YEAH.
SO HIS CAMPAIGN RELEASED A STATEMENT TRYING TO BACKTRACK,
SAYING HE "SIMPLY MISPRONOUNCED SENATOR HARRIS' NAME, AND DIDN'T
MEAN ANYTHING BY IT."
WHICH IS PRETTY HARD TO BELIEVE, SINCE HE'S WORKED WITH HARRIS IN
THE SENATE SINCE 2017.
IN HIS DEFENSE, HE NEVER ACTUALLY HEARD HER NAME
PRONOUNCED BECAUSE HE'S SPENT THE PAST FOUR YEARS WITH HIS
HEAD FIRMLY LODGED IN THE PRESIDENT'S KEISTER.
BIDEN'S ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL, BUT INSTEAD OF TALKING TO
PEOPLE IN A TRUMP-STYLE SUPER SPREADER MOSH-PIT, HE'S HOSTING
DRIVE IN RALLIES WHERE PEOPLE JUST COME TO THE RALLY IN THEIR
CARS.
WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF ONE COUPLE WHO REALLY ENJOYED BIDEN'S
SPEECH: OOH, LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY VOTED
EARLY.
>> FOLKS, AS MY COLLEGE USED TO SAY IN COLLEGE, IT'S GO TIME!
THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION IN OUR LIFETIME!
(CARS HONKING) GOING TO MAKE ALL THE
DIFFERENCE!
>> Stephen: LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY VOTED EARLY.
WHEN HE ANSWERED, BIDEN GOT A WARM WELCOME
( HONKING ) >> HELLO, NORTH CAROLINA!
THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!
I TELL YOU WHAT, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW, UH -- >> STEPHEN: (AS BIDEN)
"WHOA, JACK, THAT'S SOME LOUD HONKIN'!
BETTER PUT ON MY SUNGLASSES.
NOPE, THESE ARE FOR THE EYES.
I NEED THE ONE FOR THE EARS.
COME ON!
SOMEBODY INVENT EARVIATORS!" COME ON, JACK.
BIDEN ISN'T JUST RELYING SOLELY ON IN-PERSON APPEARANCES,
BECAUSE THIS WEEKEND, THE CAMPAIGN ANNOUNCED THAT JOE
BIDEN HAS HIS OWN ISLAND ON THE VIDEO GAME "ANIMAL CROSSING"
WHERE YOU CAN LEARN ABOUT HIS CAMPAIGN.
AWESOME, BECAUSE THAT'S WHY PEOPLE PLAY VIDEO GAMES: TO NOT
ESCAPE FROM REALITY.
THAT'S WHY THE MOST POPULAR VIDEO GAME RIGHT NOW IS "CALL OF
CIVIC DUTY."
THIS IS PERFECT.
I CAN'T REMEMBER A TIME WHERE PANDERING TO VOTERS USING A
POPULAR VIDEO GAME DIDN'T WORK!
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO CREATED "POKEMON GO," BUT I'D TRY TO
FIGURE OUT HOW WE GET THEM TO HAVE POKEMON GO TO THE POLLS!
>> Stephen: STILL HURTS FOUR YEARS LATER.
ACCORDING TO CAMPAIGN OFFICIALS, TRUMP HAS NO PLANS TO LAUNCH A
SIMILAR EFFORT ON "ANIMAL CROSSING."
CLEARLY, IF TRUMP WERE TO INSERT HIMSELF TO A VIDEO GAME,
IT WOULD OBVIOUSLY BE "JUST DANCE."
THINGS LOOK SO BAD FOR TRUMP THAT SOME REPUBLICANS ARE
BEGINNING TO EDGE AWAY.
ONE REPUBLICAN BEGINNING TO SPROUT A TINY SET OF TESTICLES
IS TEXAS SENATOR AND UNDERSTUDY FOR THE BLUE MAN GROUP, JOHN
CORNYN.
CORNYN GAVE AN INTERVIEW WHERE HE ASSURED VOTERS THAT AT TIMES
HE HAS DISAGREED WITH PRESIDENT TRUMP ON ISSUES SUCH AS BUDGET
DEFICITS AND BORDER SECURITY BUT KEPT HIS OPPOSITION PRIVATE.
SURE, JUST LIKE HOW THERE ARE TIMES I
DON'T SAY THAT JOHN CORNYN IS A LYING COWARD, BUT I KEEP IT
PRIVATE.
AND CORNYN KEPT HIS OPPOSITION TO TRUMP REALLY PRIVATE, BECAUSE
HE HAS VOTED WITH THE PRESIDENT 95.1% OF THE TIME.
YOU CAN READ ABOUT IT IN HIS NEW BOOK, "PROFILES IN 4.9%
COURAGE."
IT'S NOT JUST REPUBLICANS WHO MIGHT BE SECRETLY RELIEVED IF
TRUMP GOES DOWN, IT'S ALSO HIS OWN INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY.
TODAY, WE HEARD A STORY DATING BACK TO 2017, WHEN HE WAS AT HIS
NEW JERSEY GOLF CLUB RECEIVING A HIGHLY CLASSIFIED BRIEFING ON
AFGHANISTAN, AND SUDDENLY CRAVED A MALTED MILKSHAKE.
"DOES ANYONE WANT A MALT?" HE ASKED THE SENIOR DEFENSE AND
INTELLIGENCE OFFICIALS, AS HE BECKONED A WAITER INTO THE ROOM
WHERE CODE-WORD CLASSIFIED INTELLIGENCE WAS BEING
DISCUSSED.
(AS TRUMP) "DON'T WORRY, THIS GUY WILL HAVE
NO IDEA WHAT WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
I'LL HAVE THE TALI-BANANA SHAKE, AND MIX IN SOME SEAL TEAM
SNICKERS."
APPARENTLY, THE MALT EPISODE BECAME LEGENDARY INSIDE THE
C.I.A. DIDN'T HELP WHEN HE ORDERED GITMO TO START HOT
FUDGE-BOARDING.
TRUMP HAS BEEN HOSTILE TO THE U.S. INTELLIGENCE COMMUNITY FROM
DAY ONE.
HE RARELY READS HIS PRESIDENTIAL DAILY BRIEFING, WHILE BIDEN WAS
RARELY SEEN WITHOUT A COPY OF THE BRIEFING UNDER HIS ARM.
THAT'S WHY ONE D.H.S. OFFICIAL WHO WORKED UNDER TRUMP TOLD
REPORTERS, "BIDEN'S DEMEANOR IN AND OF ITSELF IS LIKE THE
HEALING BALM WE ALL NEED."
(AS BIDEN) "IT'S NOT JUST BALM, JACK.
I GOT SALVES, CREAMS, OINTMENTS, LINIMENTS, UNGUENTS, POULTICES!
YOU GOT A CRICK IN YOUR KNEE?
DOCTOR JOE WILL HOOK YOU RIGHT UP!
I'M ICY AND I'M HOT!
COME ON!" TYTIGER BALM!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE JOY REID AND YAHYA YAHYA ABDUL-MATEEN, II.