I was in quarantine with my two
teenage daughters.
(audience laughing)
Yeah, I want to die.
(audience laughing)
You can only be called boomer
so many times in your own house.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
And they think they're so funny,
you know?
"You know what boomer means, dad?"
I'm like, does it mean, guy who pays
all the bills?
(audience laughing)
My oldest moved in with me
a long time, about a year
and a half of two years ago.
Two years ago, she moved.
She goes to college out in LA.
She moved in with me.
And she's been there for a while.
And this is back when the world was
normal and I was traveling all
the time.
And my friends were like, "aren't you
"worried about traveling all
"the time?"
You know, your daughter is home.
She's like 18, 19 years old.
I'm like, no, I am not.
I'm not.
She's the most well-behaved daughter
I have.
She tells on herself.
(audience laughing)
You know what I mean?
But can you like-- you know what?
12 years of Catholic school, that's
what she did it.
She's guilty constantly.
(audience laughing)
She'll call me on the phone
when she messes up.
She's like, "dad, I just want you
"to know I was out five minutes
"past curfew."
But I would have never known.
She didn't even have a curfew.
(audience laughing)
She's uptight.
Here's how uptight she is.
I bought her tickets eight years ago
for the Miley Cyrus Wrecking Ball
Tour.
And I gave them to her.
And she looks at me and goes,
"we are not going to the show."
(audience laughing)
And I'm like, why?
She goes, this is a completely
inappropriate show.
(audience laughing)
Right?
Which is why I wanted it to go,
seriously.
(audience laughing)
So I took my neighbor kids.
I don't need that.
Those tickets cost a lot,
350 a pop.
It's nuts that she's uptight.
She's strict, too.
The roles were reversed in my house.
It's all messed up.
I can't handle it, you know?
She's almost too good.
She doesn't drink, doesn't stay out
late, doesn't do anything.
She's hard.
I came home the other night
three o'clock in the morning.
I walk in the door, right?
Lights are out, I walk in,
close the door, lights could get on.
"Where have you been?"
(audience laughing)
Out!
I'm 56.
I can do whatever I want.
She's like, "is that liquor I smell?"
I go, yes, it is liquor you smell.
Daddy drinks grown-up juice.
She's like, "well, not in my house."
Wait, wait, wait, what?
(audience laughing)
Now I have a curfew.
(audience laughing)
They don't even know I'm here.
I left.
I snuck out.
(audience laughing)
There's a watermelon in my bag
with two masks on right now.
(audience applauding)
I don't know what happened.
They were so cute when they were
little.
Both my daughters were adorable.
They were great kids.
They are cute when they're little.
If you have daughters, man,
they're-- the little running around
the house, princess dresses,
so cute.
I would give them everything.
I was the worst.
They'd give me a Christmas list
written in crayon,
you know what I mean?
Little backwards k used to give me
every time.
I get them everything on the list,
everything.
And it's easy when you're three
and four.
You know, what do you ask
for at three and four?
It's all Sesame Street and Dora
and stuff like that.
But when you're a teenager, suddenly
it's iPads and iPhones.
And I can't afford thems.
(audience laughing)
So when my daughter got older,
I looked at her and said, look,
we need to rearrange this whole gift
situation.
First of all, no more lists.
That's never happening ever again.
You just pick one thing you want,
and I'll get it for you.
And she was like, "just one thing?"
I go, yes.
She goes, "you'll get it for me?"
I go, yes.
"You promise?"
Yes.
She's like, "I have to have a PS5."
I go, no!
No, you don't get better stuff
than me.
That's not how I roll.
Now, go back to your room
and play with your Atari.
That's what I told her.
(audience laughing)
Atari's a game system in the '70s.
You're pretty young.
I don't think you know.
(audience laughing)
It was a long time ago.
(audience applauding)
Just trying to help the kids out.