Welcome to CP Time,
the only show that's for the culture.
Today, we're going to discuss the Magical Negro,
which, ironically, was my stage name
when I was a magician back in the day.
You see, instead of pulling rabbits out of hats,
I pulled mine out of Tupperware.
Dead every time.
The term "Magical Negro" is actually used to describe
supporting black characters in movies
whose only purpose in the film is to help the white hero.
We've seen it many times in movies
like Fix My Golf Game,
Fix My Penis,
Fix My Dumbass Kids,
and-- my favorite--
Fix My Daddy Issues.
Intellectuals have debated this for many years,
but I think we all can conclude that Yoda was black.
He lived in the raggediest part of the galaxy,
he had a pimp cane,
and his car was broke down in the front yard on blocks.
The term "Magical Negro" was popularized in 2001
by Spike Lee.
But many scholars suggest
that the Magical Negro first appeared
in Song of the South,
a film where a black man nurses a little white boy
back to health with bedtime stories.
Which is nonsense.
Stories do not have magical healing powers.
If they did,
I'd be reading Cat in the Hat to my hemorrhoids.
Now, if you're a Caucasian, you may be asking,
"Why is the Magical Negro character problematic?"
I'll tell you why.
The Magical Negro reinforces the idea
that black people's only purpose is to help white people.
Because, think about it,
don't you find it just a little odd
that the Magical Negroes never use their expertise
to help themselves?
If Michael Clarke Duncan was so magical,
why didn't he just rub himself out of prison?
Or if Will Smith was so good at golf,
why didn't he just win the golf tournament himself?
He could've told Matt Damon,
"How 'bout you go Good Will Hunting
for another sport, bitch?"
But, despite this criticism,
movies continue to use the Magical Negro stereotype
and even get rewarded for them.
Just last week,
the Academy gave the Best Picture Oscar
to the Green Book,
a movie where a black man uses his magical piano powers
to teach his Uber driver to not be racist.
But the good news is,
recent movies are now challenging
the Magical Negro stereotype.
And, in fact,
some are even using white Magical Negroes.
For example, the movie Black Panther
featured a magical white hobbit.
And then there's, of course, the 2015 film Creed.
Sylvester Stallone in this film
used his magical powers
to give Michael B. Jordan the proper skills and training
so that he, too, could get his ass whupped in the big match.
(grunts)
(quietly): Like a bitch.
And it's not just limited to movies.
There are now white people in real life
who are using their magical white powers
to support the black man's mission,
which is why, today, CP Time would like to honor
one of those Magical White Negroes.
It's with much pleasure that I award
this year's CP Time Lifetime Achievement Award
-to Vice President Joe Biden -(cheering and applause)
for being Barack Obama's Magical White Negro.
He gave Obama good advice,
he was the administration's comic relief,
and he always had his finger guns loaded and ready.
Joe Biden has the soul of a black man and the gestures
of someone that just had relations for the first time.
So we say, "Thank you, Joe Biden."
Now, of course, Joe Biden is not here to accept this award
because he was not aware he was getting it,
but I made several copies and left them in places
where I think he will find them, such as a Men's Wearhouse,
or the dining car of an Amtrak train.
Also, I left one at a Walgreens behind the Bengay.
(laughter)
That's all the time we have for today.
I'm Roy Wood, Jr., and this has been "CP Time."
And remember, we're for the culture.
I'm gonna need to get this back from Joe.
I printed this on the back of my car title.
♪ ♪