♪ Zack Morris is trash ♪ ♪ (bell ringing)
- [Narrator] It's the annual Bayside Girl's Choice Dance.
Zack knows a ton of girls will choose him,
so he's wearing his third most racist disguise
to keep his options open.
Zack tells Kelly he's waiting for her invite.
Slater says she should pick a real man.
Zack scolds Slater for reminding Kelly about free will.
Rhonda wants to invite Zack,
but instead of politely saying no,
he makes her chase him all over school,
then catches his breath to say she's nasty.
Zack's bribing Lisa with magazines for info on Kelly.
Zack has a 50% chance.
Not bad, but his impatient, insecure ass wants answers now.
He ups the bribery to Bon Jovi tickets
that he carries around everywhere for some reason.
Fuckin' loser.
Then takes the tickets back when Lisa's information
predictably hasn't changed in the last 10 seconds.
Zack's lying about how many girls he's turned down today.
Lisa is excited about Jessie's sleepover.
Zack hears a room full of girls telling secrets and trusts,
trusts they can violate with no incentive
by telling Zack everything.
Jessie explains that's an invasion of privacy.
Zack's glad she's on the same page.
Harry Hou-diner delivers Zack a romantic gift from Rhonda.
Zack runs away like a rude, blonde chicken.
Zack and Screech break into Jessie's house
to wiretap her slumber party.
Screech has second thoughts, but Zack tantalizes him
with knowledge of his crush, Lisa,
who he knows full well would never date Screech.
Zack tells Screech to do all the work
while he plays with a giant doll.
Then, when he hears Jessie coming,
pushes him out a second-story window to save himself.
The gals are talking gal stuff
in what they assume to be a secure location.
Who will Kelly take to the dance, Zack or Slater?
- If I had to make my decision right now, I'd pick Zack.
- [Narrator] Zack blows his cover,
screaming like the goober he is,
putting the gals on high alert
with his blaring, next-door dumb-assery.
Jessie uncovers Zack's illegal bugging
of her teenage gathering.
Zack, not a smart man, hits Screech
and tells him to fix his broken machine.
Jessie can't believe Zack's latest crime spree.
Kelly suggests teaching him a lesson
to curtail what will otherwise become a lifetime
of home invasions, unlawful surveillance,
and other assorted felonies.
It's time to play the juicy secrets game.
Zack sees nothing suspicious about this clear set up
that's louder into the microphone
than anything else all night.
When Kelly likes a guy, she hurts him physically.
It starts with a headache.
- I black out, then wake up.
The police are there, and that poor boy.
(beeping) - Zack needs to hear the rest.
Any pre-murder hand action?
Partial titty?
Screech says Kelly's dangerous.
- Aw, come on, Screech.
She's a girl.
- [Narrator] Screech informs Zack that girls are humans
and capable of doing human things, including violence.
Now Jessie is using time she should be spending on academics
to say ominous words about Kelly
and Slater is neglecting wrestling practice
to wear a fake cast and tell Zack
it was Kelly who put him in this wheelchair last night.
Zack breaks into Belding's office to read Kelly's file.
More crime.
It says she did six months in a mental institute
on this very official-looking document
that definitely didn't come from the library printer.
Kelly ignores class to pass Zack a not-so-subtle note.
- [Kelly] My dearest Zack, you can run, but you can't hide.
- [Narrator] Then, after everyone leaves,
Kelly intimidates Zack around the room with a bat.
Oh no!
She's got a murder migraine!
Zack, in prime position to confess his snooping
and offer to help Kelly, does none of that
and instead determines the only way out
is to say she should stop liking him
because he already has a date to the dance,
letting her murderous tendencies be someone else's problem.
Zack is pouting through his date with Rhonda like a jerk.
Kelly returns his microphone because he never thought
to retrieve it this whole time.
Jessie reveals she planted Kelly's file
because she knows how Zack's simple, predictable mind works
and since Zack is slower than a broken escalator,
Slater explains he was also in on it.
Zack bullies Kelly while she's on a date
and so is he to say she would have taken Zack,
you know, if he hadn't illegally recorded her and all.
Let's review.
Zack Morris tried to make up Kelly's mind for her,
for a girl's choice dance.
Unwilling to wait for her decision
and unable to coerce her friends to stab her in the back,
broke into his neighbor's house
to run slumber party surveillance,
almost killing Screech in the process,
and when he exposed himself by yelling like a total spaz,
fell into a glaringly obvious trap
that consumed tons of time these concerned friends
should have been spending on school
to teach Zack a lesson about honesty that he did not learn,
as he lied up until the last possible moment to save his ass
and was fine with letting someone else get killed,
and he learned nothing about crime, which he is very bad at,
or how to treat a woman and respect her right
to make a decision.
Zach Morris is trash.
♪ Zach Morris is trash ♪
(bell ringing)