Mat Boggs: Hey, this is Mat Boggs and today I have a very special Father's Day edition
video for you.
I have the blessing of having my dad with us this day.
He came all the way from Houston, Texas, 2,000 miles away from beautiful Huntington Beach
to celebrate the birth of my daughter, Safina.
He came and has been here for a week supporting and celebrating.
My dad just happens to be a licensed marriage and family therapist for over 25 years, have
been counseling individuals, helping them in their relationships, and helping them in
their lives.
So I thought, "What a cool thing.
Let's do a video bringing some of your wisdom to my community," because you're always researching,
you're always learning, you're always on the cutting edge.
He was telling me about some research of the four needs of men and the four needs of women
that we all have, and I thought, "That would be really interesting to bring to my community."
Harold Boggs: Well, I love my work, I love helping relationships develop and to heal
and to reunite.
I just love it.
What I discovered was that Jimmy Evans teamed up with the Gallup research company to apply
some wonderful strengths research to couples.
The title of the book is Strengths Based Marriage.
Mat Boggs: This is cool.
You were telling me that some research that they've done, often times maybe you were brought
up this way, when we were in schools, we were taught to focus on our weakness.
If you were really good at reading but you sucked at science, then they really focused
on science and trying to bring that up.
Or if you were really good at science but didn't do well in math, then you focused on
math.
They found that in today's world, the most effective approach for being successful in
life is not focusing on your weakness, but actually focusing on your strength.
What was the research ... you gave me a great research study that they did on this.
Harold Boggs: The book includes a project where they were working on elementary school
kids learning to read better.
They tested the kids, most of the kids read at about 80 words a minute, some of the kids
read about 250 words a minute.
They prepared to give them eight weeks of reading study and speed reading, and so they
had various theories.
Some of the scientists thought that the classes might actually slow down the fast readers
as they sped up the slow readers so they were very excited about the results because at
the end of the eight weeks, they found that the kids that read about 80 words a minute
were reading 250 words a minute.
But the kids that started at 250 words a minute were reading 2,900 words a minute.
Mat Boggs: Insane.
Harold Boggs: We completely changed learning theory and changed the focus and so now we
have ... it's very popular in business and Jimmy Evans has helped them apply that to
couples.
You can really learn to understand your partner and their strengths, they can understand your
strengths, and then you can really value the differences and that's a whole another layer
of strength.
It's fantastic.
Mat Boggs: Take us into, first, before we reveal the four needs that men have, the four
needs that women have, because any time as you were sharing this with me, part of my
mind wanted to go to the exceptions to the rule.
I think that's just human nature, is that when we hear about generalities, "All men
feel this way," or, "All women like this," we can instantly think of the one or two exceptions
to the rule.
As we're hearing this information I think it's important to look for how it can apply
instead of the exception to the rule.
Where does the value lie in these four needs that all men have and four needs that women
have?
Let's start with the needs that men have.
Harold Boggs: All right.
The number one need of most men is respect.
If they sense disrespect in what you're saying, they filter that out automatically.
A man will automatically seek people and places where they receive the most respect.
Mat Boggs: I fully agree with that, and you've heard me say this a million times, that one
of man's deepest psychological desires is to have his thoughts respected, to feel respected,
and he'll gravitate towards friendships, social circles, relationships where he's receiving
the respect that he craves.
Harold Boggs: The number two need is of course sex.
Men need that connection also.
Mat Boggs: Number three is sex, and number four is sex.
No, I'm kidding.
Number two is sex, but what's interesting here is why sex isn't number one.
What's fascinating is that respect is number one versus sex because if a man isn't respected
and if a man is emasculated, then there comes a point where he can't even have sex with
you, because he'll be impotent.
He won't even be able to have an erection to have sex if he doesn't feel his manhood
in the relationship.
Number one respect, number two is sex, and it's a big number two.
Harold Boggs: It's true.
Men are pretty tender, their egos are pretty tender.
They're big and strong on the outside but they're pretty tender on the inside, and that
leads us to number three which is friendship.
Men want their partners to be friends with them, and when they are friends, then the
men can open their hearts and that's the number two need of women, is to have her man open
his heart to her, share their lives on a deep emotional level, not just a surface level.
Mat Boggs: Yeah.
Friendship is huge and you often find that men we have our bro packs, the rat packs,
because we crave that friendship.
We crave having fun with each other, but another big piece of this that comes with friendship
is loyalty, that you know that your friends are going to have your back.
Your friends are going to stick by your side when times are tough, your friends are the
ones that you can rely on.
Harold Boggs: That's right.
Mat Boggs: Give us an example of what does friendship look like in the counseling that
you've done, really healthy relationships that you're witnessing.
What does a great friendship really look like?
Harold Boggs: Well, the fuels that friendship runs on is trust, and we develop trust in
four main ways: listening and responding to each other, it's a great compliment to get
a response to something you've said or done.
Number two is openness and honesty.
It's a new type of honesty, I call it rigorous honesty, it's growing every day.
We're more honest today than we were yesterday and it's speaking the truth with love.
Number three is keeping agreements.
That's very important, very important, to be a person of your word and that fuels friendship.
If you think back about your friends, they show up when they say they will.
Mat Boggs: Absolutely.
Harold Boggs: Number four is being super positive, having each other's backs.
That brings in the loyalty.
I also add that sharing the spiritual dimension is one of the most positive and powerful ways
to really deepen your friendship, is to pray together.
Mat Boggs: Having that trust that fuels that friendship, having each other's backs, having
fun together.
The number one need is respect.
The number two need, sex.
The number three need is friendship.
What's the number four need that men have?
Harold Boggs: Men love to see a woman who can turn a house into a home.
Now this is based on research, I didn't make this up, but it holds true.
Now, sometimes-
Mat Boggs: What does that mean?
I can hear half of the people watching this right now saying, "We should be equal and
what does that mean, house into the home?" and just the push back already happen, but
what does that look like, a woman who can turn a house into a home?
Harold Boggs: Well, men, I want to tell you, when you arrive home you need to do your fair
share of the housework.
There just seems to be a talent that women have of nesting, of making the home really
beautiful.
Mat Boggs: Let me just say, and I could tell you, and I'm sure you've seen this as well,
you go to a bachelor's apartment or a bachelor's home, now again, there's always exceptions
to the rule.
There's the dude who knows exactly how to decorate and everything's beautiful, but by
and large, especially if you look at all of my friends, colleagues that I've had, you
go to their house and they're not married, they don't have a girlfriend or someone who's
living with them, you go to the fridge and it's like one beer can and a bottle of ketchup.
That's all they have in the fridge.
You look around there's no pictures on the wall, there's no candles, there's no plants,
it's stark.
I can tell you that my experience, one of the things that I really value about ... it's
that woman's touch in the home.
The plant is not dying it actually has green leaves on it because it's being watered and
it's being loved.
There're candles burning and there's the nice ... there's actually curtains in the house.
Men, we don't put up curtains.
Often women will put up the curtains but we'll-
Harold Boggs: They know how to put the pictures up and how they look nice in a cluster.
I have no idea.
Mat Boggs: Yeah.
Whatever that means to you, in your way of nesting, your way of turning the house into
a home, I know that I extremely value my wife's ability and the contribution that she makes
to our home that way.
We're transitioning now.
Those are the four needs that men have, and again, always exceptions.
Harold Boggs: Before we transition.
Mat Boggs: Okay.
Harold Boggs: Let me mention what men love to hear.
Mat Boggs: Yes.
Harold Boggs: It's something like this, "Baby, you're my guy.
You're a great man, you have what it takes.
I'm on your team, I'm your biggest cheerleader, I believe in you."
That's what men want to hear.
Mat Boggs: That's exactly what we want to hear.
As we unpack that, "I'm your biggest cheerleader, I'm your number one fan, I'm supporting you,
I'm on your side, I'm on your team," all of that is friendship, it's loyalty, it's being
on the same team, what we highly value.
It's respecting us, it's respecting our abilities as a man.
Strikes right to the center of our love zone if you will.
Are we transitioning now?
Harold Boggs: Yes.
Mat Boggs: All right.
Let's transition over to women's biggest needs.
Harold Boggs: Here are the women's four major needs and this isn't just made-up.
This is the Gallup survey, 12 million people have participated so far.
There are surveys in their surveys, and this is the real deal.
Women's number one need according to the survey is safety.
She needs to know that she's a priority, that she's number one in your life, that you're
dedicated to her and meeting her needs and keeping her safe.
Mat Boggs: The first need is safety.
What's need number two?
Harold Boggs: Need number two is complete communication.
Our ladies need us to open our hearts to them, not just the headlines but to communicate
all about what we're going through and what we're feeling.
Guys need a little practice with that.
We're not that good at putting our feelings into words.
It's a two-step process actually.
First we have to figure out what we're feeling and then we have to find words to put it into.
Mat Boggs: It's true.
Oftentimes it's not that we don't want to share what it is that we're going through,
is we're trying to figure out, we're trying to identify and put words to it and understand
it ourselves first.
Now, there's always-
Harold Boggs: It takes some practice.
Mat Boggs: It does take practice, and there's always the guys who are reticent, they're
not willing to come forward and share, and that can be a muscle that they grow as well.
What I'm curious to hear about as you're watching this is we're giving you four major needs,
do these resonate with you?
Are these your needs?
Now again, this is just from the Gallup polls, but if these needs resonate with you, post
in the comment section below which of the needs you feel are really your major needs,
or if you have needs that aren't in these four that we're going to give you, what those
needs are that you have that aren't being listed here.
Number one safety, two is communication from their man.
What's number three?
Harold Boggs: Number three is non-sexual touch.
We need to be able to touch each other, share our lives, and not everything is about the
bedroom.
Mat Boggs: In other words, show affection, touch your woman affectionately without trying
to get some action.
Harold Boggs: That's right.
Hold her hand, put your arm around her.
Mat Boggs: That touch isn't just about ... because oftentimes if the, what I'm gathering from
what you're saying is, if the touch is about trying to get into bed, then it's more of
selfish touch than it is about actually just caring for your woman.
Harold Boggs: Yeah.
Let her know she's number one in your life.
Mat Boggs: Now, I can hear some women right now saying, "Hey look, I want some sexual
touch.
I want plenty of that sexual touch as well."
That may be you, but these were the Gallup polls: safety, communication, non-sexual touch.
Harold Boggs: That's right.
Mat Boggs: What's number four?
Harold Boggs: Number four is leadership.
Our ladies like us to be leaders in four main areas: in the area of children, in the area
of finance, the spiritual area, and also romance.
She wants a man who will say, "Baby, reserve every Friday night for me.
I'll be here at 6 p.m. and we'll go have something special.
We'll have some fun."
Mat Boggs: You were telling me before what they don't want to hear, and this is the mistake
that I made on one of my first dates with my wife, was showing up on their doorstep
and saying, "Hey, so, what do you want to do tonight?"
It's just like no plan, right?
Women want, and I'm sure you can resonate with this, you want a plan, you want your
man to have the plan.
Harold Boggs: Yes, a man with a plan.
Mat Boggs: There you have it.
The four needs that men have, the four needs that women have, and I want to hear from you.
Go ahead and post in the comment section below, do these needs resonate with you?
Safety, communication, non-physical touch, and leadership.
Harold Boggs: Non-sexual touch.
Mat Boggs: I'm sorry, yeah.
What would non-physical touch mean?
No, no.
Non-sexual touch.
Okay.
Thank you.
Harold Boggs: Did I explain the sentence that the women want to hear?
Mat Boggs: That women want to hear, tell us the sentence women want to hear.
Harold Boggs: Right.
Guys, what your lady wants to hear is, "Baby, you are number one in my life.
I'm going to do anything I need to do, sacrifice anything I need to sacrifice, to meet your
needs.
Even if I don't get what I want, you're going to get what you want because I'm going to
see to it."
Mat Boggs: I have a little bit of a surprise, this being a Father's Day video and this being
my dad who came to share this moment with you and me, I have a Father's Day card here
for you.
I wanted to give you a little Father's Day love.
Harold Boggs: That's great.
Mat Boggs: Go ahead and open that and we'll do this right here.
Harold Boggs: Can I open it?
Mat Boggs: On camera, with our community.
Harold Boggs: All right.
Mat Boggs: I thought maybe for the community I'll read this to you so that they can hear
what's in the card as well.
Harold Boggs: That's great, would you?
Mat Boggs: Absolutely.
I was going through and I felt like this card really captured how I feel.
It says, "Dad, have I told you lately?
Have I told you just how important you are to me?
Do I let you know how much I appreciate everything you've done and still do for me?
Did I mention how often your words stick with me, even when you're not around?
Is there any way to thank you for loving me?
For making my childhood a happy one?
Have I told you lately that you're always in my heart, because Dad you are, and you
always will be.
Happy Father's Day dad.
I love you.
Thank you for your guidance.
Thank you for your love.
Thank you for helping me become the man I am today."
Harold Boggs: I love you.
Love you.
Thanks.
Mat Boggs: I hope you've enjoyed this special Father's Day edition video that we brought
you, and I would love to hear from you.
Do the four needs that we mentioned that women have from this specific research, do they
resonate with you, do they connect with you, or do you have needs that weren't mentioned
in the four that we talked about?
Go ahead and post a comment in the comment section below.
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I'm going to link it up here in the video.
Go ahead and click that.
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Thanks so much for watching, I'll see you soon.