- Times Square, the butt hole of America.
(upbeat music)
If you're from New York,
you avoid this place like Elon Musk avoids his children.
This is arguably my least favorite place on the planet.
Yet, for some reason, each day,
over 300,000 people come here to Times Square
to visit this place.
What are they seein' that I'm not seein'?
So today,
I'm gonna be spending 12 hours here in Times Square.
I know the title says 24 hours.
I did lie to you.
If that's a deal breaker, I get it.
I'll give you this opportunity to,
you know, find another video.
Okay, let's do it.
(upbeat music ends)
(intense rhythmic music)
New York City, The Big Apple.
At the heart of the city is Times Square.
A place I've frankly never understood.
There's so much that New York has to offer,
and Times Square, to me, isn't one of them.
But other people love it.
Tourists seem to think this is like a must.
Why Times Square?
- The New York experience.
- It's where it's lit!
- We got tickets to see "Chicago" tonight, and I'm pumped.
- It's exciting, but I wouldn't wanna live here.
- [Zach] When you think Times Square,
perhaps your mind goes to the characters that populate it.
Like the street performers buskin' for tips.
The infamous Naked Cowboy, or this lady.
(street performer roaring)
Woo!
She was actually really nice.
I liked her a lot.
She's cool.
(upbeat jazz music)
♪ I'm the Naked Cowboy in Times Square ♪
♪ Hangin' out with Zach ♪
Wow.
♪ He's the best photo journalist in the world ♪
♪ He's so hack ♪
But I've found that it's the regular people in Times Square
who are the most interesting.
People who have traveled from all over the world
to marvel at bright billboards.
Like this guy.
You're Navy?
- Yes, sir.
- What are you doin' here?
- Oh, it's our 247th birthday today
and we were just celebrating a little.
- Ah, you don't look a day over 30.
- Yeah.
- Wow, you've aged beautifully.
- Wow. My God.
- Now I can call the Navy anytime I want.
- [Zach] Or this person,
who was excited to wave at a building,
I think.
Waving at windows.
That's cool.
And this guy who, okay,
he wasn't actually in Times Square,
but he was too beautiful to not include.
- They're as loyal and playful like a dog
and self maintain like a cat.
- [Zach] Yeah? How long have you had him?
- [Rats] Since he was 35 days old.
- [Zach] And how old is he now?
- Five.
- [Zach] What's your name?
- They call me Rats.
- [Zach] Rats.
I wonder why.
(Zach laughs)
Look around and you might even find this guy,
who's straight killin' this photo shoot.
God damn. Wow.
Killin' it, bro.
Honestly, these photos are really good.
I'm not gonna lie.
I'm kinda jealous.
- [Photographer] Pose up just like that.
- Well, I guess I gotta get a photo.
(upbeat funky music)
(camera shutter whirring)
- [Photographer] Great. Great.
Great! Great! Really Great!
Stunning. Great!
- [Zach] Why is Times Square special?
- Special?
I'm here always, like a long time, so I love it.
I love this place too much.
- [Zach] You're awesome.
Very talented.
- Thank you.
- [Zach] Thank you.
(upbeat jazz music)
The first thing you probably noticed in Times Square
is all the, the lights.
Every square inch is advertising something to you.
Conglomerates, and fashion, and sodas,
and junk food, and really good movies from The Rock
that definitely won't bomb by the time this video comes out.
Even the subway station has its own marquee.
Times Square is sorta like a dystopian vision
of capitalism run amok,
and much like the fam gathering 'round
to watch Super Bowl commercials,
we eat it up.
(@BandaRimBarmBum performing big band music)
(big band music continues)
(audience claps)
With over 300,000 people a day visiting,
surely Times Square has some
of the best food America has to offer.
I mean, can I get a, can I get a, oh wow.
- It's just a really ridiculously slogan.
- [Zach] The fruit of the sea.
- [Keith] It's a bug.
- [Zach] And also, shrimp shrimp'n and sip'n, baby.
More like simp'n.
- I wish it was simpin'.
- [Zach] Ah!
When in Times Square, you gotta eat at Bubba Gump,
a "Forrest Gump" themed restaurant,
because nothing says New York like "Forrest Gump."
I think part of the appeal of eating here
is you get the most beautiful view of the city.
- So many screens over there.
You can check all the stocks!
- [Zach] Once seated inside,
you are treated to a round of "Forrest Gump" trivia.
(upbeat music)
- Where was Forrest Gump born?
- [Keith] Where was Forrest Bump born?
- Greenbow, Alabama.
- [Quizzer] Greenbow, Alabama.
- [Keith] Wow.
- [Zach] How did you know that?
- Right here.
- [Hughie] The answers are all around us.
- Second question.
What three sports did Forrest Gump play during the movie?
- Track!
- Ping pong!
- [Keith] Football!
- What field?
- [Keith] Gatlinburg. Yes!
- His girlfriend in the movie,
what was his girlfriend's name?
- Jenny!
- [Keith] Jenny. - Jenny.
- [Becky] Jenny.
- Jenny and Forrest go together like two vegetables.
What two vegetables?
- Peas in a pod.
- Peas and carrots.
- [Keith] Peas and carrots.
- He had a favorite soda in the movie.
What was his favorite soda?
- [Hughie and Alex] Coca-Cola!
- [Zach] Dr. Pepper.
- Dr. Pepper.
Stupid is as?
- [Group] Stupid does!
- And, "Mama says life is like?"
- [Group] A box of chocolates!
- Why is that?
- You never know what you're gonna get.
- You gotta get, (indistinct)-
- You guys were the best.
Thanks for playing.
- This is the best day of my life!
- Have a good night, guys.
- Thank you!
- Look at these fabulous prizes!
- [Zach] I didn't win trivia,
so I shrimped and simped on the fruit of the sea.
With my belly nourished and my ego bruised,
it was time to get back out there.
So we're about to see what is my favorite part
of Times Square, the mascots.
But unlike other parts of the country,
these mascots don't mind breakin' the illusion.
Yeah.
(intense horror music)
Unlicensed mascots roam the streets,
goading you into photos and then hounding you
for all the cash you've got.
- Take a photo.
- Yeah, we're all good.
Thank you, though.
- Hi.
Times Square!
Do you think the kids ever get
concerned about the amount of Elmos?
- [Zach] It's like going to a Bizarro world Disney,
where no one gives (beep).
If you stay in Times Square long enough,
you might find that you become an attraction too.
(cheerful music)
Nice to meet you.
- Thanks so much.
- Of course, take care.
(cheerful music)
- You're gonna make me a superstar with my kids.
- I hope so.
- All right, come on team.
- Woo!
- What if you just pulled out a little card that said tips?
(Keith laughs)
(Becky laughs)
Tips.
- Tips. Tips.
- [Zach] If you visit New York,
you're probably gonna want a souvenir to prove
to all your friends that you've been here.
- Wow.
You gotta at least wear a I love New York shirt
at some point.
- [Zach] I guess you're right.
Show people how much you love Wall Street.
- [Keith] Hey, why wouldn't you wanna rep Wall Street?
- You need it.
- [Keith] It is a really great shirt.
It doesn't make it any sense.
- FBI New York.
Kitty bad.
- [Becky] Oh my God, it is so cute.
- Come on.
- Look at the little face.
- I got it.
For some reason,
the most common merchandise doesn't have
to do with New York,
but with their police department.
They've got NYPD shirts, NYPD booty shorts,
NYPD mugs, NYPD shot glasses,
and even your very own NYPD rubber duck.
- What's all the pro cop merch?
It's a weird merchandise.
(siren blares)
- [Zach] I sure did see a lot of cops in Times Square,
and for the life of me,
I couldn't really figure out what they were doing.
The NYPD seems to serve as more
of an attraction than anything,
and visitors sure seemed excited
to get their pictures taken with them.
These cops jumped into my photo without me even asking.
All cops are bastards,
but the ones in Times Square sure know how to strike a pose.
There's so many performers in Times Square,
all here for their own different reasons.
How often do you come perform here?
- Every day this week.
I'm actually a pastor, so I usually just preach the word.
I sing a little bit.
But I felt God tell me to start
with a guitar 'cause it's mobile and everything,
and then the Lord told me to come outside
and then just pour his love and his light in this city,
just playing any type of music,
and they'll feel it in their heart.
- That feeling I feel right now is Jesus.
- That's Jesus because he's in me and he's using me.
- Whoa.
And why? Why here?
- Because this is the heart, this city,
and God wants to reach every single person out here.
- [Zach] Even, even Spider-Man?
- Even Spider-Man.
- [Zach] I decided that if Jesus was inside of me,
I might as well balance out the scales a little bit.
(speaking in Hebrew) (Zach repeating in Hebrew)
(speaking in a Hebrew) (Zach repeating Hebrew)
(speaking in Hebrew) (Zach repeating in Hebrew)
(speaking Hebrew) (Zach repeating in Hebrew)
(speaking in Hebrew)
- No.
I dropped outta Hebrew school,
but there's still somethin' comforting in knowin'
where my Jews at.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
- Thank you very much.
- [Zach] If you're a major brand,
you've gotta have a presence in Times Square.
Stores aren't just shopping in Times Square,
they're an experience.
- [Becky] Look at her.
- [Keith] M&M'S store.
- Also Keith, this is M&M World.
- Oh, my bad.
- [Zach] Get it right or don't get it at all.
- Get it right or pay the price.
- [Zach] M&M'S World.
Tucker Carlson's nightmare is not just a store,
it's like an amusement park dedicated to chocolate,
where you can find exclusive flavors.
- The fudge brownie.
It tastes like an M&M with a brownie piece inside.
- And some hot M&M'S merch you won't
find anywhere else.
When I think M&M's, I think I'm sorry I'm late,
I didn't want to come.
You may call me Queen Bee.
Please don't make me do stuff.
My brain has too many tabs open.
- Wouldn't it be cool
if it turned your penny into a piece of candy?
- [Zach] No penny, no problem.
Pay a dollar.
- Do I want one?
Oh, here it is.
The sexy one.
I want it.
- [Keith] Yeah, a sexy one.
Six to eight times?
- [Becky] This is all so hard.
- Yeah, 'cause you gotta flatten the penny right now.
Wow.
That was a product reveal if I've ever seen one.
- Thank you.
- [Keith] Wow. That was incredible.
- My color mood?
Orange!
I'm nervous.
(Zach laughs)
All right, yeah.
That's accurate.
At night is when Times Square truly comes live.
(musician drumming)
Yeah!
♪ Gotta grab hold of light ♪
♪ With all of my might ♪
♪ Like each moment just might be my last ♪
There's this magical hour of quiet in Times Square,
relatively speaking,
when all the theaters are filled
and the streets empty out a little bit.
It's here where you'll find these pockets
of stillness and strange beauty.
Sure.
Look, Times Square is a tourist trap.
It is designed for the sole purpose
of suckin' money out of you.
But it also attracts the most eclectic group
of people you'll find anywhere on the planet.
Visitors from all over the world.
People trying to make a buck.
People grinding through the oppression of capitalism.
People trying to make their art.
And some people just trying to inspire those passin' by.
You're able to pull up just with the towel?
- Yeah.
- Seems hard as hell, man.
- You know what I'm sayin'?
I've been doing it long enough, man.
That's why it looks so easy.
It's all about the grip.
You wrap it.
Time to eat!
- [Zach] Time to eat!
(beep)
- I choose this area specifically.
You have a big impact on the world.
I do this because you have to set an example in life.
You know what I'm saying?
- [Zach] And that's why you go here in Times Square,
'cause you got everybody.
You got the world stage.
- Absolutely, and I never know I was a big impact
until I started doing this.
- [Zach] You mind if I give it a try?
- Give it a try.
- Wrap it.
Yeah?
Look, if I were visiting New York for the first time,
I'd maybe go anywhere else,
but forcing myself to spend time here,
I couldn't help but find the beauty.
What's your name?
- Skip.
- Skip, I'm Zach.
Pleasure.
- I was gonna say,
I was gonna give you my Instagram, by the way.
- [Zach] Yeah, please.
Mr. Action Figure.
♪ Only in New York ♪
There is a beauty everywhere.
Even in the places you swore
were your least favorite on the planet.
I think the reason people come here is,
yeah, the lights and the excitement.
But there's an energy,
and it's not my favorite part of New York,
but there's stuff here.
You know, you make new friends.
Like the guy behind the camera.
This has been Terrible Tourist.
Join me next time when I take mushrooms
and go to Super Mario World.
That's a joke,
but I actually think that'd be a really good video.
I don't know if I'm allowed to do that.
Like, would our audience be cool with that?
I think it'd be funny.
Okay, bye.
♪ The subway crawls from the street with walls ♪
- Ah!
- Look at him out here on the job.
Get it done, Zach.
- [Zach] Thanks, man.
♪ I'm the Naked Cowboy ♪
♪ You gotta do what you gotta do. ♪
Don't go out early.