'Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!'
Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this sick world
'Darling how nice of you to come'
We're reviewing The Apple, set in a distant future where music rules the world.
'Use your imagination, this is 1994'
where prams are designed by the Jetsons ,
and where drinking glasses are wildly impractical.
'How about a drink with our BIM glasses.'
This is a Canon film
'You never learn do you?'
Which is another way of saying it's very ambitious...
'I'm going to make you the biggest stars of our decade'
those ambitions are thwarted due to irreconcilable differences between director, Menahem Golan & reality.
'They're just not into that kind of crap any more'
The story has been told many times; small town musical duo, Alfie and Bibi come to the big city.
'La, la, la'
'La, la, laaa'
where Bibi is seduced by music agent Mr Boogalow.
'He'll destroy us'
'Or make us'
Falling into a life of fame...
'A girl from nowhere about to become the new BIM star'
drugs...
'I've never been so high in my life'
and choreographed sex.
While Alfie feels up Miriam Margolye.
It's Faust with a hint of Genesis and we know how this goes,
'Bring the Master's special hors d'oeuvre, the apple.'
but the movie still needs to make sure we're getting it
'Take a bite!'
Songs in musicals are seldom subtle,
they give voice to an internal monologue that would be absurdly over-explanatory if spoken
'lie, cheat, steal - betray and double deal.'
But even with that in mind, the unsubtly of the songs in the Apple is like being hit repeatedly over the head with a synthesiser.
'Life is nothing but show business, the world's our cabaret'
Every element has to be underlined with on the nose lyrics.
'I'm under your spell, it's too late to run'
Written by someone whose rhyming dictionary must be missing a few pages...
'It's a natural natural natural desire,'
'Meet an actual actual actual vampire!'
Then there is the world itself,
'It is is now 4 o'clock, time for national BIM hour.'
which is basically what would happen if Disco Stu from the Simpsons became President and turned to evil.
'Hey hey hey BIMs on the way'
But it's not consistent; at the start Mr Boogalow rigs a music competition so his BIM music...
'Do the Bim'
is victorious.
'Boss, we have just scored 150 heartbeats'
No idea how that works, do the audience die if the music is bad?
'Hey Bob, what's going on?'
Point is; Mr. Boogalow is a powerful producer but that's it.
'He's just an agent, he doesn't own us.'
Later in the film you can be fined for not wearing a BIM sticker.
'Your BIM mark, you're not wearing one.'
State police are sponsored by BIM.
He won a music competition - now he rules the world.
And there's no suggestion of mind control, people just like the music.
'Well, why not'
Which is another problem, because the message seems to be;
a person's worth is determined by their acceptance or rejection of popular culture.
'These people don't like Television'
Of course only one group can save the world from disco.
'These are refugees from the 60s, commonly known as Hippies'
Now, I haven't mentioned the plot much.
The fact is you get so caught up in the gaudy, day-glo horror that's being inflicted on you...
Hey hey hey BIMs on the way.'
'It's easy to forget that it's not just the music being tortured into more hideous shapes than a cat going through a mangle.
'Like a puppet on a string.'
It's the story as well.
So far it's been simple but predictable and we're waiting for Alfie to save Bibi from her life of comfort,
success and songs about amphetamines.
'Popping power by the hour, Speeeeeeed'
But when he goes to look for her he sleeps with someone else.
'Feel me coming, coming for you'
Another example of the lyrics underlining something that was probably pretty clear.
Alfie then hooks up with the hippies.
'Go find Alfie'
and Bibi follows him.
'If you know my name, you must know Alfie'
Yeah, that's the only way he could know your name.
So Alfie does nothing to save Bibi, and Bibi experiences no epiphany, she just decides to go.
There's no arc.
'Are you speaking English?'
But there's still a twist when Mr Boogalow comes for Bibi
'She's been living here for over a year now'
A year? At what age was that kid born?
And what will heroes and hippies do now?
'Who's Mr Topps'
He's a character we've never mentioned before, who's about to become a very literal Deus ex Machina
'They call me Mr Topps'
Just in case the religious allegory had somehow slipped you by
God turns up to defeat disco.
That's a sentence I never expected to say.
'Comeon Bibi, lets get out of here before it's too late.'
Thanks for watching and thanks to David Alder for selecting this film as one of our patreon shadows.
We reviewed a few cult musicals
but are there any others that you like you think should be given the dark corners treatment.
Let us know in the comments below
'Oh get out.'