All right, here's the ballot for 2020,
the next president will be, dot, dot, dot.
Kanye West,
Akon, Oprah, The Rock,
Kevin Hart, Chris Rock,
Ron Perlman.
Thoughts? Question mark.
See,
this is why democracy scares me, okay?
Someone just basically put the suggested page on Instagram
and was like, "These people should be president."
This is terrifying.
This is fucking terrifying.
What is your most humbling experience traveling the world and doing comedy?
Okay, this actually wasn't even in the world,
this was domestic.
This happened in America, so 2009,
I used to do this thing called NATCA,
which is like you perform in colleges, right?
So I did this thing, they would make you do these things called, "Nooners",
where you perform at a college in the afternoon.
And it's usually like a small college,
and you perform sometimes in the cafeteria.
And there's nothing worse than performing in front of food.
Like when people are hungry, you blocking the food,
the last thing they wanna hear,
like your jokes are blocking them from pizza and tater tots.
So they're just like, "I wanna kill you."
So I email, like, the producer of the show the night before.
I'm like, "Hey, like, Baltimore Community College
is kind of in the middle of nowhere, like,
I looked at the Facebook page, no one has clicked, "Attending".
Are we still gonna do the show?"
And she's like, "Trust me.
Your face is everywhere, it's all over campus.
You have to come to the show."
And I'm like, "All right."
So 11:50, I like pull up, I'm ten minutes early.
I get to the cafeteria, it's empty.
And there's like, photos of me everywhere.
It's like my mom's house in Sacramento,
there's just all--
It's like all Hasan everywhere.
Every single round table in the cafeteria had my face on it.
You know how, when they're like,
"Hey, Facebook.com, do Geo-tagged ads,
you'll have a 25% hit rate."
It was the first time I counted all the tables, there was 143 tables.
And the popularity of my face was 0%.
No one showed! It was empty.
and so...
the, um...
the promoter was just like,
"Hey, you know, you don't have to do the show."
And I'm like, "No, I'm doing the show."
And like 20 minutes into it...
the janitor came in and saw and was like,
"Oh, oh, I'm sorry."
Like, the janitor thought I was like auditioning for like a theater program.
Because I'm like...
"If you were stranded on an island
what is one thing you couldn't live without?"
A lota, no duh.
C'mon man.
"What's your take on LeBron James joining the Lakers,
and how much would they beat the Kings by?"
I don't-- No, you know what?
No, no, no.
You know what I do to this card, Ted?
All right?
I'm going to camera one right now, 916530 till I die,
Sacramento Kings, #ForeverPurple.
This is what I say to that question.
How bad would the Lakers beat the Kings?
I say this to that question, all right?
We got a squad, baby.
We got a squad this year, all right?
Yeah, good luck playing with Rondo, LeBron. That's a great decision.
You guys write crazy questions.
"If you could invite any two people to your house for a dinner party,
who would they be?"
Who wrote this one?
-Over here! -Over here?
Okay.
Honestly, I just want two very different styles of people.
So I would say Elon Musk
and then Dennis Rodman.
I just think-- You know what I mean?
You need the Yin and Yang.
I want Pusha T and Drake.
And just be like, "Boys, what's happening?"
What?
I would turn-- I wouldn't even turn to Elon.
I'd be like, "First and foremost,
I wanna talk to one of the smartest people in the room.
Dennis,
what's your take on A.I.?"