Imagine if you will that on your next vacation you go to a fancy hotel but you can't leave because
we surrounded it with a moat while you're inside with roughly 3 000 other people we
move the entire building at great expense all while you mill around a hundred square foot
room then with you still inside we move it right back you might wonder why would anyone do such
a thing well wonder no longer just experience it with Royal Horton Cruise Line I'm Roger and
I invite you to spend a week or two aboard one of my floating megastructures doing a bunch of stuff
that you could do just about anywhere else but we want you doing it more expensively and with
more difficulty on a big boat well everything's more fun on a boat because it's a boat oh sure
it is a boat in that it might catch fire and sink but you aren't really going boating this thing is
so big you can't even feel that you're on a ship you're surrounded by an ocean you can't touch
though if you like swimming you're welcome to hop in the pool to inhale a little communal pee
hey no splashing there really isn't room for splashing
I heard there are tons of activities to do on cruises oh
sure there are eat seven times a day inflating yourself with room temperature shellfish till
food poisoning plops you on the toilet for the rest of your voyage ignore your children for an
entire week and let them go all Lord of the Flies in the Kid Zone head to the casino to
steadily bleed more money on top of what you already paid till you don't remember where you
are or even what your name is but there are shows right music comedy magic you know where else has
shows literally any city on earth only elsewhere when a performer's awful you don't have to worry
about bumping into them again tomorrow and the next day thank you ladies and gentlemen I hope
you enjoyed my lukewarm political takes and my Cartman impression I'll be here all week and
so will you uh I was hoping for a luxurious vacation like the Titanic luxurious we market cruises as
a luxury to people for whom any vacation is a luxury which is to be fair a whole lot of
people but no actual rich people waste their time in these disease incubating floating dormitories
I got a new strain from a passenger last week they're calling it Hepatitis Ampersand but
but but Titanic yeah Titanic over a hundred years ago you know why people took cruises then because
a ship was the only route from one coast to another but if they could just fly across the
ocean in a few hours and then spend to save time on some other cooler rich person stuff they would
they didn't have cruises back then that left New York and came back to New York one week later
because that would be stupid but what about the cruises that do go places like the ones that go
from island to island oh those are better sure it's the least immersive and most superficial way of
visiting a place just don't think too hard about how much the people there hate you see tourists
annoy people everywhere but locals put up with it because tourists drop bags of money on hotels
and restaurants cruise passengers they crowd the streets during the day window shopping in their
hideous novelty tees but get their beds and booze from us so the town is lucky if the cruise folks
even buy a postcard a ship comes and locals see a terrifying sea scraper ready to pound their shores
and stretch out their canals like something out of a disaster movie like Titanic like some other
disaster movie ships are nasty in the open water too belching out a continent's worth of poison
gases spewing sewage more concentrated and deadly than a million sharks could poop out did you know
Royal Horton was fined tens of millions of dollars for dumping oily waste and we're not
even a factory we're just a floating hotel with really small rooms I still where's hey where's my
I wasn't alone was I like gee looks like we lost someone that happens sometimes a lot of incidents
happen on cruises actually if you have any crime to report just tell it to the nearest uniformed
authority figure but just to be clear they're not cops they work for us when we're at sea there are
no laws that can't possibly be true oh it's truer than you think Royal Horton is Incorporated in
Liberia so we don't have to pay minimum wage that room attendant cleaning your luxurious cabin we
pay them 500 dollars a month wait what listen I just like the idea of a cruise okay I just want to
go someplace where I can relax someplace that'll take care of my every single need well then please
book a room with Royal Horton and when you get back make sure to visit Horton's Health Urgent
Care where you'll get the best care for that bug you caught on board oh I don't feel so good
I've been Captain Roger and the rumors are true I control the whales and the tides