What's up, Chicago?
Oh, man.
Damn.
I am so happy to be here.
(cheering and applause)
I'm thrilled. Thank you.
(cheering and applause)
I am so happy to be here
during your one week of autumn.
It is incredible.
It really seemed like perfect timing, and then I saw this:
The crisis with North Korea reached an unsettling
new level today with news of a possible major breakthrough
in Kim Jong-un's nuclear weapons capability.
TV REPORTER: The speed of the regime's
nuclear progress is stunning.
North Korea launched a missile test
that could reach all the way to Chicago.
Okay, nobody panic.
The bomb isn't gonna hit Chicago.
It's just going to have a five-hour layover at O'Hare
and then it'll fly to New York, all right?
But here's the good news, Chi-Town--
you guys have the solution to all of this,
because Kim Jong-un is obsessed
with the Chicago Bulls. This is true.
(cheering, applause)
When Kim was a boy, his passion was basketball,
especially Michael Jordan and the Chicago Bulls.
He would fall asleep with a basketball in his bed.
Little dude spent hours doing meticulous pencil drawings
of Bulls superstars.
Creepy, okay?
So everybody's, like,
"Oh, is he insane? Is he a genius?"
No.
Kim Jong-un is basically me when I was in middle school--
short, awkward, obsessed with basketball,
weird haircut. That's 13-year-old Hasan.
Look at that photo.
That's Kim Jong-minaj.
Mushroom cut and all, all right?
We've lived the same life.
When you look at K-Kim Jong-un, you may see an evil dictator,
but I see every Asian kid
who couldn't make the basketball team.
He doesn't want to launch rockets,
he wants to launch threes, all right?
You see that, Asian parents? You see that, all right?
This is what happens when you force your kids
into a career they hate, okay?
They threaten to blow up the world.
I know...
I know Kim Jong-un is basically 13-year-old Hasan,
because the best day of his life
was when we got to meet Chicago Bulls power forward
Dennis Rodman.
Look at that.
Look at how adorable they are.
It's like a t...
It's like when a tiger becomes friends with a duck.
Like, "Oh, shouldn't they be eating each other?"
But somehow it just works.
Now, notice the entire time
Rodman was hanging out with Kim Jong-un,
Kim didn't have his finger on the red button.
But as soon as Rodman left,
North Korean Draco Malfoy went back to playing with explosives.
Now, that was just Rodman.
Imagine what we could do
if we got the whole 72 and 10 Bulls on board.
(cheering, applause)
We'd have a European ally, Toni Kukoc,
a versatile assassin, Scottie Pippen,
a man down under, Luc Longley.
Okay, nobody wants Luc Longley,
but you know who we really need, right?
Let's be real, Chicago.
We know who could seal the deal-- the greatest of all time.
At guard...
six foot six,
from North Carolina,
Michael...
Jordan!
I'm kidding, I'm k... I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
I didn't get Michael. Are you kidding?
But we've seen this before, right?
Michael Jordan plays basketball
against evil foreigners to save the world?
That's not a peace summit, that's Space Jam 2.
M.J. could solve this whole thing
in a day.
Listen, Mike, if you're watching,
for the sake of humanity,
all you got to do is go to North Korea,
befriend Kim Jong-un
and let that little Make-A-Wish dictator dunk on you.
I know you hate losing, but this one time
you got to take one for the team, M.J.
Hasan Minhaj, everybody.