They did they met at a Burger King.
My mom was high.
My dad was drunk and then nine
months later.
Yeah.
Welcome to my conception.
There were french fries involved.
That wasn't applause-worthy sir.
You all were right.
Wrong.
But yeah, it was weird.
And I asked my dad.
I go, all right what happened?
He goes, "well I got a chicken
"sandwich."
I go, yeah.
And he goes, "and your mom got
"pregnant."
(audience laughing)
It's funny because due to that,
I'm an accident.
I'm considered an accident.
I don't care.
It doesn't offend me to say that.
But my mom gets mad at me
all the time.
She's like, "you are not an accident.
"Stop it."
And I go, mom, I am.
It's not a big deal.
Let it go.
She goes, "you're not an accident,
"stop it."
I go, I am.
She goes, "no."
I go, was I planned?
She's like, "so I was talking
"to your aunt Kristin the other day."
I'm like, yeah just--
you're changing the subject.
Just let it go. accept it.
It's not a big deal.
But she gets mad at me.
And I told this to a friend.
And she goes, "you know what,
"your mom's right.
"You are not an accident."
I go, no?
She goes, "no.
"You're a surprise."
Nah, They knew for about nine
months.
Wasn't that much of a surprise.
They were shocked.
Absolutely none.
So I was like, you know what, I see
what you're saying but I disagree.
Because accident and surprise
don't always mean the same thing.
But like for instance, you've never
been in a fender bender,
jumped out, and then like, surprise!
Gotcha.
No.
That's an accident.
No one here has ever been
to an accident party.
Exactly.
You've been to surprise parties.
Never been to an accident party.
You can't switch those words out
like that.
And I go, and also, I have been
to an accident party.
But we called it my baby showers so.
(audience laughing)
People always pull back on that.
I'm like, why?
It's about me.
It's fine, I don't care.
And so it's true.
I'm an accident.
My mom gets mad at me.
She's like, "hey, stop going
"across the country telling people
"you're an accident.
"Makes me sound like a bad mom."
And I was like, well, why
do you think I'm telling them?
(audience laughing)
Don't.
I'm joking, ma'am.
I'm joking.
She's a fantastic mother.
Horrible person.
(audience laughing)
I told this to my mom.
I said, come out to a show.
And she goes.
And you'll get that she was like,
"I don't want to get made fun of for
"15 minutes."
And I was like, mom, if that's
the case, you can't come to any more
family functions.
(audience laughing)
Tell me if I'm wrong.
Like, we all go to family functions.
It's never like, hey, let's talk
about the time that Stephanie got
straight A's.
It's like, no, let's talk
about the time that Shelby fell down
the stairs and hit the wall.
The moment we told my uncle that I
had a heart condition.
He immediately started calling me,
heart attack.
Immediately.
It's just my uncle.
And I was like, actually that's kind
of rude we prefer cardiac American.
Just saying.
(audience laughing)
And I'm just like, whatever, mom.
Just come out to a show.
She's like, "well you know what?
"We work during the week.
"Your sister's softball games
"are on the weekend.
"Try and find a good time for us
"to come out."
So all right, cool.
So it can't be during the week?
She goes, "no."
I go All right.
And it can't be on the weekend?
She goes, "exactly."
Those are all the days we have.
(audience laughing)
Did the president add a new one
that I'm unaware of here?
Like, what's going on?
I was like February 29th is cleared
up in four years
if you want a pencil that one in.
I was like, just come out to a show
lady.
So figured out what I'm going to do
is I'm going to get my mom's
favorite car.
It's '67 Shelby gt500 Mustang it's
Eleanor from gone in 60 seconds,
if you know.
And by the way, my sister is named
Shelby for a different reason.
You named her after a car lady.
Just get over it, it's fine.
But I'm going to put it
under a shipping container I'm going
to pull back.
I'm going to be with my mom.
I'm going give her some binoculars.
I'm like, you ready?
"Yeah."
I hit a button.
It's going to lift up.
She'll be, and I'm like,
I know, right? she's like, "what in--"
I'm like, that's yours.
She's like, "no."
Like, yeah.
She's like, "Thank you.
"You're the best son."
I'm like, I know, right?
She's like, "yes."
I'm going to hit another button
and I'm going to blow it up.
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
She didn't support me when I was
in comedy early.
So this is her payback.
And I told that to a friend of mine.
And he had the exact same reaction
most of y'all had.
Which is, you should see
a therapist.
(audience laughing)
You've got some demons fighting on
the inside there friend.
I was like, all right, all right.
So i figured out what I'm actually
going to do is, I'm going to pull up
I'm going to give my mom the keys.
Say, mom, this is yours.
If it wasn't for you
I couldn't be here.
For better or worse.
On purpose, on accident.
Without you I wouldn't be following
my dreams, therefore leading me
to get you this car.
So thank you.
You weren't always at the shows.
But when you were.
You always tried.
And that's all I could ever ask for.
So here you go.
Here's the keys.
There's a couple of stipulations
though.
Can't drive it during the week.
(audience laughing)
Can't drive it on the weekend.
(audience laughing)