- Nobody likes to admit their mistakes, man, nobody.
Then we find all these, all these Enron guys
all these, these CEOs robbing everybody blind man.
I tell you, you know that's stock market boy.
That's what I got out.
I got out the market, I called my broker,
I was like, hey, put all my money in weed.
(crowd applauds)
Price of weed never goes down.
That's a real blue chip right there.
(upbeat music)
They want grandkids from us.
They women want grandkids.
No, everyone, you know, we've been married six years,
so people are like trying to force us to have kids.
You got act like they like we're cheating
or something, you know?
Hey, hey, hey look, you gotta have some kids, all right?
Y'all playing around too.
You gotta have some kids.
Lemme tell you now. They all say the same thing.
Kids, they a lot of work but they're worth it, all right?
They a lot of work, but they're worth it.
But I noticed something.
They never look in the eye when they say that,
you know it's always, hey kids,
they a lot of work but they're worth it, you know,
got to get a kid.
And I try to get my friends to hang out.
The ones who have kids, they never wanna hang out with us.
They like, come on, y'all go hang out.
Nah, no, you know we can't hang out.
You know we gonna stay here with the kids tonight.
Yeah, yeah.
You know they a lot of work, but they're worth it.
We going stay here with the kids.
Maybe next week we can go hang out or something.
What?
Oh, oh you going on vacation next week?
Well isn't that nice?
That's just nice.
Where you going?
Jamaica.
Woo, yeah, that's beautiful.
Yeah, you know we starting to go last year,
but Bobby needed braces.
Yeah, Bobby smile and show them Jamaica baby.
Go ahead.
See we right on the beach.
Look at that.
(crowd applauds)
You know they a lot of work but they're worth it, yeah.
(crowd giggling)
I have nephews.
They love spending time with us.
They love it 'cause we let 'em do whatever they wanna do.
They're not our kids, we don't care.
Only thing I have to do is keep you alive.
That's it.
They come visit us, man.
Oh what?
No dinner?
All right, hey ice cream all day.
How about that?
I don't have to cook a damn thing.
Just scoop it out.
There you go.
Eat up.
I don't pay your dental bills.
I don't care.
I remember the first time they stayed with us.
My sister-in-law, she calls me, it was like after midnight.
She's like, did you have a hard time,
getting the boys to sleep?
I'm like, sleep girl.
We sitting drinking liquor playing Nintendo.
(crowd laughs)
They not my kids.
(crowd applauds)
I flew in here from LA, right?
So yeah.
And that random screening that they say they do,
at the airport, there is nothing random,
about the random screening at all.
I know every time I fly I get checked twice.
They stop me at security
and then they get me again at the gate.
The last time was so bad they actually made me,
go through the machine with the luggage.
I'm like man what in the.
This is ridiculous.
This cannot be healthy being all irradiated.
What the hell is this?
(crowd giggles)
That is nothing random about it.
And then you get to the gate and they standing there,
with a Sherwin Williams paint chart.
If your is darker than khaki, you getting searched.
(crowd applauds)
Shoot, I've been searched so much.
I said the hell with luggage,
now I just put all my stuff on a hanger.
This is all I got y'all.
That's it.
Y'all see two, three pair draws.
That's it.
(crowd laughing)
Now the thing is,
when you get married and you stand there
and you say till death do your part.
That's what you say in the marriage vows,
make that vow stay together forever.
The divorce rate is sky high.
So everybody just lie their asses on.
Why don't we come clean.
Let's be honest.
You know, instead of standing there saying,
until death do your part.
Let's just go.
I'll give it a shot.
(crowd giggling)
They say marriage is a contract.
That's what they say.
Marriage is a contract.
No it's not.
Contracts come with warranties.
Right? When something goes wrong, you know,
you can take it back to the manufacturer.
Your husband starts acting up.
You can't take him back to his mama's house.
(crowd laughing)
He's broke.
(crowd applauds)
I dunno.
He just stopped working,
just laying around making a funny noise.
(crowd giggles)
Can't do that.
Until death do your part man.
See that's biblical times.
That's Moses wrote that.
That's in the Old Testament, you know?
That's way back then.
Well see, they had no problem,
saying until death do your park back then,
because they didn't live that long.
They had good plagues, you know?
Soon as that guy got on your nerves,
here come some locus will just come in
and eat his ass up for you.
(crowd applauds)
So I've been been out in LA a lot, you know,
LA's nothing but a bunch of driving
and I hate all that driving,
'cause it interferes with my drinking.
(crowd applauds)
Yeah.
That's why I love me some New York boy.
(crowd cheers)
Right.
(crowd cheering)
We get tow up in New York.
Now, New York, we have all those beautiful,
lovely cabs and stuff.
Oh I love that man.
Tell you $5 in your pocket, pin your address to your collar.
Woo, you get home.
(crowd giggles)
You could just, all you do is to get that cab man.
I know here in New York, I'm at the bar,
drinking bartender comes over.
Can I get you another one?
Oh, hold on, let me see.
(crowd laughing)
Oh yeah, I could have about two more.
(crowd applauds)
'Cause in New York, that's all you have to be able to do.
Just wander your ass to that curve and.
(crowd applauds)
(crowd laughing)
You're home man.
(crowd giggling)
You know, but when you, when you out drinking
and you know you gotta drive,
you try to be responsible, right?
You do, you have good intentions.
You tell yourself, you say, okay, I'm driving at night,
I'm gonna have two drinks, that's it.
That's what you say.
But when you get with your friends,
that goes right out the window, right?
'Cause your friends,
they want you to act their ass too.
Right, you want everybody drunk, right?
You don't want somebody sober,
recalling the events the next day.
You don't wanna hear that.
You know, girl, you peed on yourself.
What?
I did not.
(crowd applauds)
Make me sick.
I hate hanging out with your sober ass.
You want everybody drunk.
That's why don't matter what you do.
If you go, no, no two drinks man, I'm done.
You always get to one friend and go,
no, no, no, come on man, have another drink,
(crowd applauds)
you be all right.
(crowd laughing)
I'll follow you home.
(crowd giggling) I don't go out with my single friends.
Not at all.
Never go out with, 'cause I never have a good time.
Never have fun.
Let me go to a club.
You know guy come over, hey, can I buy you a drink?
They're like, oh, no, no, she's married.
I'm like, yeah, I'm married but I'm thirsty.
Why don't you shut the hell up?
Let me have a free drink.
Because women love free drinks.
We do, right?
But I notice something.
Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to.
They don't, right?
Seeing here, remember the good old days?
Remember that?
Remember the good old days?
You go to your local bar
and the bartender will come over and say,
excuse me ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner,
he would like to buy you a drink.
You would say, okay thank you beautiful.
And you'll get your drink.
And that greatest thing of all,
he would keep his ass way over there in a corner
and leave you the hell alone.
And let you enjoy your peace and private.
All you had to do was shake it at him.
Thank you, thank you.
(crowd giggles)
No, stay over there.
(crowd laughing)
Now guys don't do that now.
No hell no.
Guy buys your drink now,
he thinks that gives him the right to stalk you,
for the rest of the night.
He's in your face before the drink gets there.
You know that guy.
(Wanda giggles)
How you doing girl?
How you doing?
Yeah, you can call me drink man.
Oh, what's your name?
What's your name?
Wanda, Wanny Wan.
Wanda, Wanda.
I'm wondering how you going to pay me back,
for that drink later on?
(crowd applauds)
You go to the ladies' room,
you come out, he's leaning against the sink.
Well, well, well we meet again.
Drink man.
Girl, you keep this up.
I'm gonna think you following me.
(crowd giggling)
You on the dance floor.
Just having a good time later.
Woo, yeah, you turn around, ah, ah.
Remember me?
Drink man.
(crowd giggles)
Ah, yeah, come on girl.
I paid for that drink.
You owe me.
You like look, you gave me a drink, not a kid.
You want to get the hell away from me.
It ain't guys wonder why we fake it.
It's called time management.
(crowd laughing)
Ain't no need to be up all night working on something.
I know there's been a derailment down the road.
(crowd applauds)
Ain't need to be up all night working on something,
I know ain't gonna happen.
You just cutting into my sleep time now.
Shoot, I'm trying to do what's both a favor.
Every woman has been in that situation.
You know he's working hard trying to make it happen.
You already know it ain't gonna happen.
And you glance over at the clock, you like, shoot
it's 1:30 in the morning
and I gotta get up at 6, 1:30, 2:30, 3:30,
4:30, 5:30, 6:30, of to hell with this.
Oh yes, woo, oh yes baby, woo, oh,
(crowd screams)
Hercules, Hercules, Hercules, Hercules.
(crowd applauds)
(upbeat music)