>> THE KENTUCKY DERBY HAS OFFICIALLY BEEN POSTPONED DUE TO
THE VIRUS.
CHURCHILL DOWN PUSHED THE DERBY BACK FOUR MONTHS FROM MAY 2 TO
SEPTEMBER 5.
THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME IT WON'T BE RUN ON THE FIRST
SATURDAY IN MAY.
>> WELCOME, RACE FANS, TO CHURCHILL DOWNS.
THIS IS CURT CANTER COMING TO YOU QUARANTINED FROM THE
ANNOUNCER BOOTH, DRUNK ON MINT JULEPS AND LOOKING AT AN EMPTY
RACE TRACK.
THAT'S RIGHT-- I'M ALL ALONE WITH ONLY MY THOUGHTS AND
FEELINGS TO KEEP MY COMPANY, AND MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ARE
LINING UP AT THE GATE.
LET'S GO DOWN TO MY MIND TRACK.
♪ ♪ ♪ AND THEY'RE OFF!
GENERALIZED ANXIETY IS QUICK OUT OF THE GATE.
FOLLOWED BY FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN.
AND PRONE TO PANIC IN THIRD.
AND HERE COMES DOES THIS COUGH MEAN ANYTHING?
DOES THIS COUGH MEAN ANYTHING ON THE OUTSIDE TRACK.
AND WHAT'S THIS?
CHARGING FROM THE BACK OF THE PACK, MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST
BLOW OVER COMING ON STRONG.
MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST BLOW OVER CHALLENGING FOR THE LEAD.
OH, MAYBE THIS WILL ALL JUST BLOW OVER HAS BUCKED ITS RIDER
AND IS RUNNING THE OTHER WAY.
AND IT'S GENERALIZED ANXIETY BY THREE LENGTHS.
GENERALIZED ANXIETY TAKES THE ROSES.
THOUGH IT'S PROBABLY ALLERGIC.
FROM ALL OF ME AT CHURCHILL DOWNS, I'M GOING TO NEED ANOTHER
MINT JULEP.
>> IT'S A LATE SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLBERT.
TONIGHT, CANCEL CULTURE!
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE AND MUSICAL GUEST NATHANIEL
WITH JON BATISTE AND STAY HOMIN'.
AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM A SAFE DISTANCE, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!
>> Stephen: OH, HI.
WELCOME TO MY PERCH UP IN THE BREEZE.
ON MONDAY, IT WAS WATER.
YESTERDAY, IT WAS FIRE.
SO TODAY, IT'S "THE LIGHT SHOW WITH STEPHEN COLB-AIR."
I'M ALSO UP HERE AMONG THE TREES, BECAUSE I READ ON
FACEBOOK THAT VIRUSES ARE AFRAID OF STAIRS.
THEY'RE LIKE COWS OR DONALD TRUMP.
WE HAVE A NEW MONOLOGUE FOR YOU TONIGHT.
THE REST OF TONIGHT'S EPISODE WAS PREVIOUSLY RECORDED IN THE
BEFORE-TIMES.
THE CORONAVIRUS CRISIS CONTINUES TO BE EVERYWHERE.
AFTER TRUMP MADE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT NOT BEING IN WEST
VIRGINIA, LAST NIGHT WE FOUND OUT THAT WEST VIRGINIA IS THE
50th STATE TO REPORT A CORONAVIRUS CASE.
SO NOW WE'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.
NO RED STATES OR BLUE STATES-- JUST 50 ANXIOUS PALE STATES.
THIS IS A CRISIS THAT WE HAVE TO FACE TOGETHER...
BY STAYING AS FAR APART AS POSSIBLE.
LOCAL GOVERNMENTS ALL OVER AMERICA ARE PLACING RESTRICTIONS
THEIR CITIZENS' MOVEMENTS.
YESTERDAY, FLORIDA'S GOVERNOR ANNOUNCED THAT BEACH PARTIES
SHOULD BE LIMITED TO GROUPS OF 10 PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW IT'S SERIOUS WHEN FLORIDA STARTS ENFORCING RULES.
REMEMBER, THEIR STATE MOTTO IS "CAN YOU HUFF THIS?"
ONE OF THE HOT ZONES IS NEW YORK CITY, AND YESTERDAY, MAYOR
BILL de BLASIO TOLD NEW YORKERS TO GET READY FOR THE WORST.
>> I THINK THE RIGHT GUIDANCE TO GIVE ALL NEW YORKERS IS
EVEN THOUGH A DECISION HAS NOT BEEN MADE BY THE CITY OR BY THE
STATE, I THINK NEW YORKERS SHOULD BE PREPARED RIGHT NOW FOR
THE POSSIBILITY OF A SHELTER-IN-PLACE ORDER.
>> Stephen: "SHELTER IN PLACE" MEANS THAT NO ONE IS ALLOWED OUT
OF THEIR RESIDENCE, EXCEPT FOR ESSENTIAL TRIPS TO GROCERY
STORES AND PHARMACIES.
OR AS ONE NEW YORKER PUT IT: >> "I CAN'T BE WALKIN' HERE!"
I CAN'T BE WALKING HERE.
YOU SON OF A BENEFICIARY ITCH.
UP YOURS.
>> Stephen: SHORTLY AFTER THAT, GOVERNOR CUOMO'S OFFICE
RESPONDED WITH THIS STATEMENT: "ANY BLANKET QUARANTINE OR
SHELTER-IN-PLACE POLICY WOULD REQUIRE STATE ACTION, AND AS THE
GOVERNOR HAS SAID, THERE IS NO CONSIDERATION OF THAT FOR ANY
LOCALITY AT THIS TIME."
MAYOR de BLASIO, GOVERNOR CUOMO, THE NATION IS IN CRISIS.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR A PISSING MATCH.
YOU SHOULD BE SAVING YOUR URINE IN JARS, JUST LIKE THE REST OF
US.
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO DO THAT, RIGHT?
I READ IT ON FACEBOOK.
BUT THERE ARE SOME OFFICIALS WHO AGREE WITH EACH OTHER, LIKE
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR GAVIN NEWSOM, WHO SAID YESTERDAY,
"I DON'T THINK THE SCHOOLS ARE GOING TO OPEN AGAIN."
AND THAT WAS CONFIRMED BY SECRETARY OF EDUCATION ALICE
COOPER IN HIS STATEMENT: ♪ SCHOOL'S OUT FOR SUMMER
SCHOOL'S OUT FOREVER ♪ ♪ NO MORE TEACHERS, NO MORE--
OH, WE'RE BACK.
DESPITE THE CORONAVIRUS, YESTERDAY, THERE WERE THREE
DEMOCRATIC PRIMARIES IN ARIZONA, ILLINOIS, AND FLORIDA, AND JOE
BIDEN WON ALL THREE.
STRANGELY, NOT THAT BIG A STORY TODAY.
IT'S LIKE THE EQUIVALENT OF TWO OLD MEN PLAYING "MONOPOLY" WHILE
THEIR HOUSE BURNS DOWN.
TECHNICALLY, SOMEBODY WON, BUT THAT'S NOT REALLY WHAT WE'RE
TALKING ABOUT THE NEXT DAY.
IT WAS A GOOD OLD-FASHIONED BUTT KICKING.
BIDEN WON FLORIDA BY ALMOST 40 POINTS.
HE DOMINATED IN EVERY MAJOR FLORIDA DEMOGRAPHIC: SENIORS,
SNAKE OWNERS, METH ADDICTS, SENIOR METH ADDICTS.
SNAKES.
IN ALL, BIDEN HAS NOW WON 19 OF THE LAST 24 STATE PRIMARIES.
BUT SINCE WE'VE ALL BEEN BUSY PAYING ATTENTION TO MORE URGENT
MATTERS, YOU MAY HAVE MISSED ALL THE OTHER THINGS BIDEN HAS
WON RECENTLY, LIKE "THE BACHELOR," THE NEW PALTZ COUNTY
FAIR PIE-EATING CONTEST, BEST SALSA ALBUM AT THE LATIN
GRAMMYS, THE WESTMINSTER DOG SHOW, AND HE SUCCESSFULLY
GUESSED WHICH STATION PLAYS THE MOST HITS...
KXCO, WITH "T-BONE AND MANGOAT IN THE MORNING."
I'M REALLY WORRIED ABOUT MANGOAT.
I READ ON FACEBOOK THAT THERE'S A MAN-TO-GOAT TRANSMISSION.
NOW, THERE'S BEEN A LOT OF SPECULATION THAT BERNIE
SANDERS IS GOING TO DROP OUT NOW, AND TRUMP WEIGHED IN THIS
MORNING, TRYING TO ENRAGE THE BERNIE BUNCH:
"THE D.N.C. WILL HAVE GOTTEN THEIR FONDEST WISH AND DEFEATED
BERNIE SANDERS, FAT AHEAD OF SCHEDULE."
YES, "FAT AHEAD OF EQUAL."
ANOTHER MISTYPING BY A MAN WITH VERY FAR FINGERS.
HE'S NOT THE FIRST TO MAKE THIS TYPING ERROR.
I MEAN, I'M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER THAT THE ORIGINAL
OPENING OF STAR WARS WAS "A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY
FAT, FAT AWAY."
WE'VE ALL BEEN READING A LOT OF SCARY RUMORS ONLINE YESTERDAY
BUT THERE WAS ONE POSITIVE ONE YESTERDAY.
>> FIRST I DID NOT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANT, BECAUSE WATCHING THE
FILM ITSELF FELT LIKE GETTING YOUR BUTTHOLE CUT.
TURNS OUT, A TWITTER USER POSTED THAT HE HAD A CLOSE FRIEND WHO
WORKED ON "CATS," AND "HIS ENTIRE JOB WAS TO REMOVE C.G.I.
BUTTHOLES THAT HAD BEEN INSERTED A FEW MONTHS BEFORE."
WHICH MEANS THAT SOMEWHERE OUT THERE, THERE EXISTS A BUTTHOLE
CUT OF "CATS" STARRING JAMES CORNHOLE,
DAME JUDI STENCH, SIR IAN McSMELLIN',
AND, OF COURSE, ANUS ELBA.
GET WELL SOON, ANUS.
OF COURSE, THIS STORY SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE, AND FANS STARTED
DEMANDING THE "CATS SPHINCTER EDITION," WITH THE HASHTAG
"RELEASE THE BUTTHOLE CUT."
EVERYONE JOINED IN WITH THIS DEMAND: CELEBRITIES, FAMOUS
DIRECTORS, EVEN LIAM NEESON: >> RELEASE THE BUTT HOLE!
>> Stephen: BUT THIS DEMAND COULD APPLY TO ANY MOVIE.
I WANT THE BUTTHOLE CUT OF "AVENGERS"!
THAT'S THE REAL ENDGAME!
CORONAVIRUS HAS BEEN THE ONLY THING ON ANYONE'S MIND FOR DAYS
NOW.
BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST FINDING OUT ABOUT IT, LIKE JARED LETO,
AND THIS IS TRUE-- WHO ONLY YESTERDAY BECAME AWARE
OF CORONAVIRUS AFTER RETURNING FROM A 12-DAY ISOLATED
MEDITATION TRIP.
MAN, IT MUST SUCK TO RETURN FROM ISOLATION ONLY TO HAVE TO FIND
OUT YOU HAVE TO GO BACK INTO ISOLATION, ESPECIALLY SINCE
LETO'S LAST ENTRY IN HIS VISION JOURNAL SAID, "DAY 12 OF
ISOLATION.
CAN'T WAIT TO GET BACK AND SPEND TIME WITH GROUPS OF TEN OR MORE
PEOPLE WHILE WE KISS ON THE MOUTH.
BUT FIRST STOP IS THE STORE.
I'M ALL OUT OF TOILET PAPER!" I'M SURE THERE ARE OTHERS OUT
THERE CUT OFF FROM THE NEWS, AND IF YOU'RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE,
LET ME CATCH YOU UP ON THE MOST IMPORTANT STORIES OF OUR
LIFETIMES.
THERE MIGHT BE A BUTT HOLE EDITION OF CATS.
FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE IN MANHATTAN,
PULLING TOGETHER THE BIGGEST STORIES OF THE DAY, BROADCAST-
QUALITY CAMERAS, AND A PROFESSIONALLY LIT THEATER TO
BRING YOU THE MONOLOGUE THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE.
BUT SOMETIMES, I LIKE TO SELF-QUARANTINE, PUT MY iPAD ON
TOP OF A PLANT STAND, SIT ON MY BACKPORCH, AND
DELIVER THE SLAPDASH, WEB-STREAMING LO RES MANIFESTO
OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: >> MEANWHILE!
MEANWHILE IS GOING TO SOLVE EVERYTHING.
HERE WE GO.
OF COURSE, NOW THAT WE'RE ALL SELF-SEQUESTERING, ALL OF
"MEANWHILE" IS NOW MY MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT
"QUARANTINE-WHILE."
AN OREGON POLICE DEPARTMENT IS ASKING RESIDENTS TO STOP CALLING
911 BECAUSE THEY'VE RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER.
YES, IF YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TOILET PAPER, DON'T DIAL 911.
THE NUMBER FOR THAT IS 922.
POLICE SUGGESTED THAT IF YOU DO RUN OUT OF TOILET PAPER-- AND
THIS IS TRUE-- YOU COULD USE RECEIPT PAPERS, NEWSPAPERS, OR
CLOTH RAGS.
YES, NEWSPAPERS.
AND THEY SAID PRINT IS DEAD.
ALTHOUGH, I GET MOST OF MY NEWS ONLINE, SO I HAVE SOME TERRIBLE
NEWS FOR MY iPAD.
THE POLICE DEPARTMENT EVEN EXPLAINED THAT "SEAMEN USED OLD
ROPE AND ANCHOR LINES SOAKED IN SALT WATER."
AND WHEN YOU WIND UP WITH SALTY TWINE SPLINTERS WHERE THE SUN
DON'T SHINE, THEN YOU CALL 911.
THOUGH I'VE GOT TO SAY, THEY'RE OVERLOOKING THE CLEAREST
SOLUTION TO THIS TOILET PAPER SHORTAGE: JUST HAVE THE EDITORS
OF "CATS" DIGITALLY REMOVE YOUR BUTTHOLE.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, IT'S IMPORTANT IN THESE DARK TIMES TO TAKE IT
EASY ON OURSELVES AND RECOGNIZE THIS IS NEW FOR EVERYONE, AND
WE'RE ALL GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES, LIKE THIS WOMAN WHO
REALIZED SHE'S BEEN WASHING HER HANDS WITH A BLOCK OF CHEESE.
HEY, DON'T JUDGE HER UNTIL YOU'VE TRIED HER MAC N' IRISH
SPRING.
IT WAS AN EASY MISTAKE.
SHE EXPLAINED "THE CHEESE HAD BEEN LEFT OUT ON THE COUNTER
AND HAD DRIED OUT," ADDING, "I AM HOUSESITTING AND HIGH AS
HELL."
DO NOT LET THIS WOMAN BABYSIT.
( AS IF STONED )
WELCOME HOME!
THE CHEESE IS ASLEEP, THE KIDS ARE ON CRACKERS, AND I ATE
ALL YOUR SOAP.
I AM HIGH AS HELL!" QUARANTINE-WHILE, BROOKLYN NETS
PLAYER KEVIN DURANT HAS TESTED POSITIVE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS,
AND NOW AT LEAST SEVEN N.B.A.
PLAYERS ARE KNOWN TO HAVE TESTED POSITIVE.
I GOTTA SAY, THAT'S A SUSPICIOUS ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
AS ONE REPORTER TWEETED, "DEAR BROOKLYN NETS, HOW DID AN
ENTIRE BASKETBALL TEAM OF ASYMPTOMATIC PEOPLE GET TESTS IN
NEW YORK, A PLACE WHERE TESTING IS IN SUCH SHORT SUPPLY?"
THAT'S ACTUALLY THE C.D.S.'S FAULT.
THEY ACTUALLY PUT ALL THE CORONAVIRUS TESTS ON A VERY HIGH
SHELF.
MEANWHILE, THE SEX INDUSTRY IS BEING AFFECTED BY THE PANDEMIC.
"MANY PORN ACTORS ARE AVOIDING CONTACT WITH OTHER PERFORMERS
AND SUFFERING FINANCIALLY IN THE PROCESS."
UNFORTUNATELY, PEOPLE AREN'T FLOCKING TO THE NO-CONTACT ADULT
FILMS LIKE: "DEBBIE DOES DISTANCING," AND
"DEEP SWAB."
ONE ADULT DANCER IN A HIGH-END STRIP CLUB SAID, "IF YOU'RE IN A
PRIVATE ROOM AND SOMEONE IS CARRYING CORONAVIRUS, YOU WILL
INVARIABLY GET SICK.
I GUESS YOU COULD TRY TO DANCE STRATEGICALLY, BUT MAYBE YOU CAN
GET IT IF SOMEONE COUGHS ON YOUR BUTTHOLE."
NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING, I THINK WE ALL JUST WANT
TO GO BACK TO A TIME WHEN YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WORRY EVERY TIME
EVERY TIME SOMEONE COUGHED ON YOUR BUTTHOLE.
THAT'S WHY ANUS ELBA HAD HIS REMOVED. REMOVED.
QUARANTINE-WHILE, ACTOR, GOVERNOR, AND ROBOT ASSASSIN
FROM THE FUTURE, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER POSTED A VIDEO TO
TWITTER OF HIS SELF-ISOLATION WITH A DONKEY AND A MINI
HORSE.
>> WE DON'T GO OUT.
WE DON'T GO TO RESTAURANTS OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT ANYMORE HERE.
WE JUST EAT WITH WHISKEY AND WITH LULU.
WE HAVE A GOOD TIME."
>> Stephen: WAIT, HE WAS TAKING THEM TO RESTAURANTS BEFORE?
( AS ARNOLD )
DO YOU HAVE A HORSE MENU?
NO?
DO YOU HAVE HAY?
NO?
THEN THEY WILL JUST HAVE THE CHICKEN NUGGETS AND I WILL LAUGH
BECAUSE THEY'RE ANIMALS EATING ANIMALS."
AND THAT WAS MEANWHILE.
THERE'S A LOT MORE SHOW COMING UP BUT ME AND THE STAFF ARE
GOING ON A PREVIOUSLY SCHEDULED BREAK FOR A WEEK OR SO.
I'M SURE ALL OF YOU OUT THERE ARE GOING THROUGH OTHER THINGS
YOU DIDN'T PLAN TO DO.
BUT IF THERE'S ONE GOOD THEY THINK MIGHT COME OUT OF THIS
CRISIS, IT'S THAT IN THIS SEEMINGLY DIVIDED NATION PEOPLE
ARE DOING THEIR BEST TO PROTECT THE COUNTRY'S COLLECTIVE
WELL-BEING.
EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK PEOPLE ARE LOOKING AFTER EACH OTHER,
REGARDLESS OF WHAT THAT NEIGHBOR'S POLITICS ARE--
DEMOCRATS REPUBLICAN, SOCIALIST.
IT DOESN'T MATTER RIGHT NOW.
WE CAN STILL DISAGREE ABOUT MANY THINGS BUT THIS CRISIS HAS
DRIVEN HOME-- LITERALLY HOME-- THE TRUTH THAT THIS IS ONE GREAT
NATION UNITED BY OUR BELIEF IN AND OUR NEED FOR EACH OTHER AND
REINFORCED MY BELIEF THAT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE, LIKE ALL
PEOPLE, ARE ESSENTIALLY GOOD AND ALSO WANT TO KNOW HOW TO DO THE
RIGHT THING.
AND I FOR ONE WANT TO THANK YOU ALL FOR TUNING IN DURING THESE
LAST FEW VERY STRANGE EPISODES, WHICH THEMSELVES FEEL LIKE A
NATURAL EXTENSION OF THESE LAST FEW VERY STRANGE YEARS.
YOU MAY NOT KNOW THIS BUT I RELY ON YOU SO MUCH.
IF YOU'VE EVER COME TO A LIVE TAPING OF MY SHOW, EVERY NIGHT I
THANK THE AUDIENCE FOR BEING THERE AND LET THEM KNOW HOW
IMPORTANT THEY ARE.
I ALWAYS SAY, "OBVIOUSLY, WE DO THE SHOW FOR YOU, BUT THE SECRET
IS WE ALWAYS DO THE SHOW WITH YOU."
AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.
WHATEVER COMES AFTER THIS, WHATEVER IS NEXT, WE'LL BE BACK
SOON TO GO THROUGH ALL OF IT WITH YOU.
THANKS.
AND STICK AROUND.
THERE'S MORE SHOW.
AND RIGHT NOW, I'D LIKE TO HAND IT OVER TO MY FRIEND JON
BATISTE.
JON.
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪